Archive of Our Own

 Maddie pulls up along the street in front of Buck’s house. There are already six vehicles polluting the street thanks to their friends and family, but she squeezes in between Buck’s truck and Ravi’s sedan.

 She parks, then takes a minute to yawn and blink her watery eyes. She’s so tired, but she ignores it. She turns to look at a sleeping baby Nash, and Jee-Yun, who realizes in real time where they are.

 “Uncle Buck’s house!” she squeals.

 “We’re here,” Maddie nods with a smile. She grabs her purse and the kids’ backpacks before she climbs out of the vehicle. She opens Jee’s door first and waits patiently while her mini-Chimney tries to undo her own seatbelt.

 It’s a whole ordeal. Tongue sticking out, rarely pressing the right button at all, her half-climbing out of the seatbelt to begin with to get a better angle. Eventually she concedes and sighs. “Mom, help,” she huffs, annoyed.

 Maddie purses her lips, amused. “You’re very close,” she tells her encouragingly. “Why don’t we try together?”

 Jee cranes her neck to watch how Maddie’s hand covers hers atop the buckle latch, and then she “helps” her by pressing the red plastic button, releasing the belt.

 “There we go, we did it!” Maddie beams excitedly.
“We did it, Mommy!” Jee enthusiastically leaps into Maddie’s arms and is carried around to the sidewalk-side of the vehicle. She’s let down and starts to run up the walkway to Buck’s door while Maddie unbuckles Nash’s carseat contraption and eases the sleepy baby into her arms.

 She locks the car with a beep and one-handledly sorts through her keys to find the spare to Buck’s house, and when Jee’s knocking doesn’t get an answer, she lets them all in. 

 “We don’t want to wake Uncle Buck, okay?” she murmurs quietly, taking Jee’s hand. “Just go find Daddy.”

 Jee takes off like a bat out of hell when the door opens and Maddie can’t help but snort at the unmistakable sound of her child’s laughter. “Daddy, daddy!” Jee yells from the living room.

 “Oh!” she hears Chimney wince loudly. She knows Jee just hurled herself on top of her dad’s sleeping body, knocking the wind out of him. “Good morning, baby Jee,” he laughs. Maddie rounds the corner to the living room and sees most of them still sound asleep, but Chimney sits up, resting his back against the couch Hen is conked out on.

 “Good morning,” he beams at Maddie when they see each other. Jee is sitting in his lap happily, looking around at the people on the ground.

 Maddie navigates the snoozing firefighters by taking a path along the perimeter. She leans down to peck Chimney tenderly and he also takes the opportunity to kiss the top of baby Nash’s head. 

 “How’d you sleep?” she whispers. 

 “Not as bad as you’d think,” he levels with a grin. “The Pile is surprisingly cozy.”

 She laughs. “That’s good. Where’s Eddie?” she wonders, looking around.

 His eyes fall on the empty sleeping bag. “Oh,” he says. “I don’t know. Maybe the bathroom?”

 She nods. “Okay. You take Nash.” She hands their sleeping little guy to Chim, then pries Jee from his lap while she giggles. “I’m gonna get Miss Thing some breakfast. Do you want to take her to school or do you want me to?”

 He nods. “I’ll take her,” he tells her softly. “Maybe I’ll run home and shower, too.”

 Maddie nods. “Okay.” Then, “c’mon, Jee.” She takes her daughter’s hand and takes the same path out of the room while Chimney rocks his son in his arms happily.

 She gets Jee set up at the dining table with some coloring pages while she prepares a quick spread for her. She makes peanut butter and grape jelly on toast and cuts the slices into squares. She slices a banana into bite-sized pieces, too, and pats dry a handful of freshly washed blueberries. 

 She pours half a cup of apple juice before diluting it with filtered water from Buck’s fridge and opens up a little yogurt cup for her, too. When she presents the meal to Jee, she kisses the top of her head and wanders down the hall to check on Buck.

 The door is ajar, so she carefully pushes it open, wincing as the door creaks. 

 She almost doesn’t notice Eddie until he stirs. “Mmnf,” he mumbles incoherently after he sits straight up in the chair.

 “I’m sorry,” she whispers kindly. “I didn’t know you were in here.”

 “Mm,” he grunts sleepily, rubbing his face. “I didn’t mean to fall asleep here.”

 “Is he okay?” she nods toward Buck. “I saw your fingers on his pulse.”

 “Oh,” Eddie’s eyes fall on Buck, who is snoring softly. “Yeah. He’s fine. It’s just… habit, I guess. Ever since the lightning.”

 “Habit?” she echoes, leaning against the door frame.

 “Yeah,” he nods solemnly. He doesn’t elaborate.

 He stands up carefully, stretching once he’s clear of the bed, and tiptoes to the door, squeezing past Maddie into the hallway. “Come,” she says. “Jee’s having breakfast.”

 She’s surprised to hear him actually follow her, but she’s glad.

 “Hi, Uncle Eddie,” Jee grins around a piece of toast. Maddie can see it’s her first piece and already her face is covered in peanut butter and jam. 

 “Good morning, Jee,” he greets her warmly. He must notice the mess on her face too, because he beelines for the paper towel in Buck’s kitchen, runs a corner of a sheet under warm water, and sits next to Jee, wiping her cheeks for her.

 Maddie could cry at the tenderness he shows.

 Jee pointedly wipes the dampness off her face with the sleeve of her shirt and goes right back to it, Eddie just chuckling.

 Maddie hears the coffee machine stop dripping, so she returns her attention to the kitchen and pours two mugs’ worth of coffee for her and Eddie. She retrieves the milk and cream from the fridge, the sugar from the cabinet, and a sugar-free hazelnut coffee syrup from a cupboard. She puts everything down in the middle of the table before getting a tea towel from a drawer and folding it in half to rest the glass pot on. She grabs two spoons and sits adjacent to Eddie, who is quiet but watching Jee color contentedly.

 She opens the sugar and drops in two sugar cubes with the tongs inside her mug, then slides the container over to Eddie, who waves his hand. “No, thanks,” he says. He takes the milk and puts a splash in his mug before he sits back in his seat, deflated. 

 She studies him for a minute before breaking the silence. “You okay?”

 He looks up from his coffee in surprise. “Yeah. I guess. I mean, I’m not the one going through all of that,” he says of Buck’s withdrawal.

 She frowns. “You’re still going through it, Eddie. You’re just on this side of it. You still have to watch someone you love suffer. It sucks,” she offers softly. 

 He shrugs. “I just wish he’d come to me about it. But he went to Chim.”

 “It wasn’t about me,” Chimney appears suddenly, bouncing baby Nash in his arms lightly. “He didn’t come to me because he trusted me more than you or Maddie, Eddie.” He sits down next to her at the table and kisses her sweetly. “He came to me because he wanted me to fire him. That’s not the same thing.”

 Eddie frowns. “I know.”

 Maddie adds, “I was upset too. He’s my little brother. I would have done whatever I could for him.”

 “It’s a testament to how far he’s come, that he told anyone at all,” Chimney continues. “The Buck that I met a decade ago wouldn’t have. He’s grown a lot.”

 Eddie nods, sipping his coffee. “I know that you’re right, okay?” he starts nervously. “It’s just that he’s my best friend. He knows he can tell me anything.”

 “Would you have told him if you were in his shoes?”

 Eddie thinks about it seriously but shrugs. “I’d like to think I would.”

 “You wouldn’t have,” Chimney shakes his head. “It’s easy to say that we would but the truth is that sometimes it’s easier to ask for help from someone you’re not as close with. Hen’s my best friend and she didn’t tell me about her symptoms until she collapsed at work. We create these versions of ourselves that we present to other people and we do whatever we can to not tarnish ourselves in their image.”

 “I just feel like I failed him,” Eddie says sadly. “I feel like I’ve done nothing but fail him since New Mexico.”

 “Fail him?” Maddie stammers, aghast. “You have not failed him, Eddie. It’s because of you that he’s home at all. And maybe I didn’t thank you enough, but the truth is I can’t thank you enough. You escaped police custody in a hospital in the middle of nowhere and you were injured and hurting and you still brought him home.”

 “He was only in danger because of me,” Eddie explains. “I insisted on stopping for directions.”

 “No, okay? No.” Maddie leaves no room for an argument. “What that woman and her husband did to Buck—to both of you—is about her. About her son. About her own problems. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

 Eddie gets teary-eyed. “You know, I really thought we were hate-crimed,” he tells them. 

 Maddie’s breath hitches. “What?”

 “The guys I told you about, the ones I thought took Buck. The ones I thought drove us off the road… they’d said some stuff at the diner. I thought they tried to hurt Buck because of it.”

 “Because of what, Diaz?” Chimney asks apprehensively.

 “They implied that Buck and I were gay, and then tried to start something because of it. Called me some things. Called us, ‘your kind’. Sheriff told me I had to get my ‘wings’ checked out. It felt like a big homophobic conspiracy. And then it turned out it had nothing to do with it because she just wanted Buck to be her son.”

 Maddie blinks away the tears in her eyes and stands up, walking around the table to plant herself next to Eddie. “Stand up,” she says. He does so immediately, but she can see the confusion on his face. She engulfs him in a hug so tight and reassuring that she feels him return the sentiment and squeeze her, emotion bubbling in her chest. She feels him whimper against her and her own lip trembles. “Oh, Eddie.”

 “I’m sorry,” he croaks. 

 “Don’t,” she coos, her hand holding the back of his head comfortingly. “I can’t even imagine how scared you were.” She realizes then that he’s clinging to her, much like a small child clings to a parent.

 She stands there with him in silence, her eyes sadly falling on Chimney as he watches the two of them. He sighs quietly. She bites her lip.

 She waits until he’s ready to let go, and then she makes him sit down in front of her and takes his hands in hers. “Eddie, look at me.” She ducks to reach his gaze. “Look at me, okay?” He does, reluctantly. She can see the pain in his deep, brown eyes. “I promise you that Buck does not blame you for any of what has happened. I promise. He loves you so much, and as far as he’s concerned, you saved him. Because you did. Whatever happened before that is irrelevant now. What matters is what happens next. He gets through this. You get through this. Everything will be okay.”

 Jee gets up from her seat and runs around the table and taps lightly on Eddie’s arm, presenting him rather briskly with a picture she drew herself. “Uncle Eddie,” she beams as he takes it from her. “This is for you!”

 He smiles wholeheartedly through his tears, blinking them away. “Wow,” he smiles, assessing the art in his hands. “This is amazing, Jee-Yun,” he says earnestly. “Thank you, Princess.”

 She pulls his arm away and climbs into his lap, and Maddie giggles as he winces when her knees dig into his thighs. “Why are you crying?” Jee wonders, looking up at him.

 “I’m just a little sad,” he tells her softly. 

 “Don’t be sad, be happy!” she tells him simply, and he laughs. Sometimes, it really is that simple.

 “You’re so smart,” he tells her, kissing the top of her head as she blows kisses affectionately to her parents, who watch fondly.

 Maddie glances at Chimney, then sharing words in the silence that only they could understand, and he gets to his feet. “Well,” he yawns, walking around the table to ease Nash into Maddie’s arms. “I’m gonna get the Princess here to school, and then I’m gonna go home and shower and change and all that,” he explains. He leans down to plant a delicate kiss on his wife’s lips and she feels herself blush, so immeasurably in love with him. 

 “Okay,” she murmurs. Eddie helps Jee down and she settles into Maddie’s open arm for a side hug and a kiss. “You have a good day at school, sweet girl,” she tells her. “I’ll see you later.”

 “Bye, Mommy!” Jee beams, waving like the queen she is as Chim ushers her out of the dining room and toward the front door, her backpack already thrown over his shoulder.

 There’s a lull between Maddie, Eddie, and the quiet-as-long-as-he’s-being-held baby Nash. She drinks her coffee slowly and he stares ahead at the table, focusing on a tiny imperfection in the wood.

 She watches him curiously, taking in his body language. After several minutes, she gets to her feet. “Would you mind?” she wonders, offering him the baby. 

 He takes the docile child in his arms reflexively, not really having an opportunity to decline. “Oh,” he stammers.

 “I have to pee,” she explains lamely, taking off down the hallway. She leans on the door frame of Buck’s room again, watching her baby brother sleep, unburdened by the waking day’s problems. The dark circles under his eyes are lighter than they were yesterday, which is something. His lips are almost tilted in the slightest little smile, and he looks like the thirteen year-old boy she used to bring soup in bed when he was sick.

 Her baby.

 She does use the bathroom before returning to Eddie, who has a very awake baby Nash sitting on the table, his feet resting on the man’s abdomen while he holds his hands. He’s making equal babbling noises to her excitable son. She stops just behind Eddie’s shoulder and grins at Nash. “Hi, baby,” she grins. “Hi!”

 “He reminds me of Chris at that age,” Eddie says, suddenly frowning. “He was such a happy kid.”

 She sits down next to him and crosses her leg, elbows on the table. “He seems like he’s pretty happy,” she offers. “Any time we babysit him, he’s great with the kids. Always polite. Chim makes him laugh and laugh.”

 Eddie snorts fondly. “He loves you guys. And he can’t get enough of your kids. Or Hen’s. He and Denny have been friends for years, but Mara was a welcome addition, too.”

 Maddie purses her lips, grinning. “All of the kids are close, thankfully. Athena’s grew up, of course, but I remember when Harry was like, nine.”

 Eddie laughs, too, throwing his head back. “Hard to believe that the probie asleep in the cuddle pile is the same kid we rescued from being buried in that wall.”

 She stills. “Oh, God,” her eyes widen. “You’re right.” She deflates. “These poor kids have been through so much.”

 He nods slowly, as though it hurts to agree. “That’s why I miss Christopher being this little,” he continues, waving Nash’s arms around while he giggles exuberantly. “That kid was dealt a crappy hand at birth and it’s been nothing but pain and suffering since. I’ve failed that kid so many times.”

 She puts her hand firmly down on the table to get his attention. “Eddie. You haven’t failed him. Or Buck. Or Bobby, or your grandma. You show up every single day. You do your best for the people you care about. We all make mistakes. I ran away from my family for the better part of a year, Eddie. That was unforgivable. But somehow, they forgave me anyway.”
“That was a mental health crisis,” he counters pointedly, easing Nash up on his feet while he stands firmly on Eddie’s thighs, “exacerbated by a physical problem.”

 She settles back into her seat. “As far as my family was concerned, I ran away. I did the one thing I promised I’d never do again. We’re a family of runners,” she laments, stirring her now lukewarm coffee idly. 

 “You’re a family of survivors,” Eddie corrects her. “You survived your parents, you survived your abusive ex.”

 “And?” she prompts. “What about you? You survived your parents, too, the car crash, evident homophobia. Buck spraining your ankle that time,” she exhales with a grin.

 Eddie laughs. “Ah, yes, I survived Buck…”

 She gasps. “Wait, the shooting, too. You were literally shot, Eddie.”

 He shrugs. “Plus the well,” he adds half-heartedly. 

 “Right!” she exclaims. “The well rescue.” She thinks about it for a moment before continuing. “Does that really compare to being shot, though?”

 He juts out his bottom lip as he thinks about it, cocking his head. “Well…” he hums. “It scared me worse, I think. The next day I called the lawyer and put Buck in my will-”

 “You put Buck in your will?” she interrupts him, mouth agape.
“Oh,” he stutters. “Well… yeah. If something happens to me, I don’t want my parents interfering with Christopher’s life,” he explains. “So, I made Buck his legal guardian in the event I die.” She stares at him while he babbles with Nash. “Look at you,” he coos, his voice higher. “Big boy, big boy, big boy.” He tickles his stomach, earning a laugh and squeal combo from the baby. 

 Maddie shakes her head to herself, then erupts in snickers.

 He looks at her, startled. “What?”

 She sighs. “I like you, Eddie…” she starts.

 “But?” He cocks his head to the side, clearly sensing more to that comment.

 “But you’re more obtuse than I thought?”

 “Excuse me?” he deadpans, but she does catch the hint of a smile on his lips.

 She is exasperated. “Look… everyone should be allowed to… self actualize, maybe is what I’m looking for,” she begins with a sort of question, “on their own timeline. I mean, it took Buck until he was 33 to figure out what I’ve known for a decade.”

 Eddie looks more lost now than when the conversation began, but Maddie continues anyway. “But I have to wonder if your journey needs a little bit of a push.”

 “A push?” he echoes, eyeing her apprehensively.

 She hums for a moment while she considers her words, then takes a deep breath. “Are you… happy?”

 He’s taken aback by the question. “Uh…” he stammers, “what do you mean?”

 She laughs a sort of breathy exhale, nervous, but shrugs. “It’s not a trick question, Eddie,” she promises. “Are you happy?”

 “I mean…” he thinks about it for a second, then nods. “Yeah. Christopher is home, we’re in a good place. Work’s going well.”

 “Yeah…” she waits. But she’s left hanging, so she prompts him again. “But what about you?”

 “Me?”

 “Yeah, you,” she nods deliberately. “You and Christopher are good, work is going well. But how are you, Eddie? Are you happy?”

 “I feel like you must already have an answer to this, since you’re asking,” he comments, slightly annoyed.

 She shakes her head quickly. “No. No. I’m not…” she sighs, cutting herself off. “I’m asking. I want to know.”

 He looks into the eyes of this wiggly, happy baby in his lap and he seems to really think about it, because he doesn’t answer right away.

 She waits patiently, drinking her coffee.

 After what feels like an eternity, he clears his throat. “I am,” he says sincerely. “I am happy. I have everything I need.”

 “That’s good,” she smiles. “But, is there anything you want?”

 He doesn’t get to answer, or at least he doesn’t choose to, because the sound of the familiar steps of one sleepy Buck shuffle down the hall toward them and into the dining room.

 “Good morning,” she greets cheerily, staring up at her giant little brother.

 “Hi,” he murmurs groggily, a lopsided grin on his face. Eddie cranes his neck up and around to look at him as he walks in, and lifts Nash just a bit to see his uncle. “Oh, if it isn’t my favorite nephew,” he says, leaning down to kiss the top of the baby’s head.

 Eddie sits the boy back down in his lap and watches Buck softly as he sits in the seat parallel to Maddie. Eddie, at the head of the table, nods at his friend. “How’d you sleep?” he wonders.

 “I had this weird dream that I was being chased by Crash Bandicoot,” he offers lamely.

 “The video game character?” Maddie asks, bewildered.

 “Yeah,” Buck snorts.

 “Okay,” she blinks, standing from her chair. “Coffee?”

 “Yes, please.” His hands are in his lap as he watches Nash.

 “What happened in the dream?” Eddie dares to ask.

 Maddie doesn’t hear the answer as she disappears into the kitchen for a mug for Buck. She also grabs a muffin from the basket of them that Athena brought yesterday, and slices one down the middle and then into smaller, bite-sized pieces for Nash.

 As she returns, she internally thanks whatever deity that’s listening that she didn’t have to hear about Buck’s dream.

 She puts everything down in front of the men and wordlessly fills Buck’s mug with black coffee, leaving room for his fixins.

 “Thank you,” he says in a voice so unbearably small. She leans down to kiss his temple gingerly. She returns to her seat and watches fondly as Nash annihilates the blueberry muffin before him. She giggles as crumbs go everywhere; the table, him, Eddie’s lap. 

 She takes a small piece in front of him and eats it, causing him to grab a handful and stretch his arm toward her, offering her more. She could cry. She pretends to eat it from his fingers, making over dramatic chomping noises.

 Buck stirs his coffee after he dumps some sugar in it and then sips it, yawning. “I feel like I could have slept longer.”

 She’s about to tell him he could have, that he’s more than welcome to catch up on all of his missed sleep, but Eddie beats her to it.

 “Go back to bed,” he tells him tenderly. “There’s nothing that needs to be done today. We’re here.”

 Maddie has to fight back the tears that threaten to well in her eyes as she witnesses the way that Eddie loves Buck so surely. The man shakes his head lazily. “I don’t want to sleep all day,” he says simply. 

 “You’ve earned the right to rest, Buck,” Eddie adds, his voice so gentle. Then, after a moment, he continues. “How are you feeling?”

 Buck scratches his scruff absently, then pauses. “Like I need to shave,” he half-jokes. “Shower, too. Laundry.”

 “Laundry’s done,” Maddie chimes in, delighted to tell him. “I did it before I left last night.”

 Buck frowns appreciatively. “Mads, you didn’t have-”

 “Don’t even,” she interrupts him. “It’s nothing, Evan.”

 “Let us help you, Buck,” Eddie adds seriously. “We’re all here for you. Maddie, me, the cuddle pile. We got you,” he says, his hand reaching for Buck’s forearm.

 Maddie almost rolls her eyes at Eddie, but she doesn’t. How does he not see it?

 Buck ducks his head, the faintest blush spreading across his cheeks. “Okay, okay. I still need that shower, though. And uh, I can do that myself,” he jokes.

 Eddie shakes his head, chuckling. 

 Nash startles the whole table then by slamming his hands excitably on the wood, muffins crumbs flying everywhere.

 “Thanks for that,” Maddie complains flatly at her giggly son. She immediately dissolves into a smile with him, then looks at Buck. “You have a vacuum, right?”

 The cuddle pile wakes up and Maddie puts Nash down for a nap in the spare room. They all discuss ordering brunch as Chimney returns, but Buck decides that he wants to cook. They’re insistent–don’t push yourself. But so is Buck. He wants to do something that feels normal. Cooking for his family, bossing Ravi around while everyone sits at the table and laughs… that feels normal.

 Maddie has a hard time letting him be, but she makes sure her seat at the table has the best view into the kitchen just in case.

 Buck opts to employ Harry, too, which is funny to everyone else for reasons Maddie can’t ascertain, though she suspects it’s because of the Harry and Ravi dynamic entirely. 

 Mrs. Lee calls Maddie early in the afternoon and asks if she can take Jee out after school, so she calls the school and lets them know that the pick-up parent has changed, and then Hen and Chimney offer to run to the grocery store to get the things Chef Buck needs for his meal.

 Maddie doesn’t even know what he’s making. She sits with Eddie while there’s a flurry of activity in the kitchen, and when she hears Buck’s laughter, her heart swells. She feels like the small, almost imperceptible smile on Eddie’s face means the same.

 She stares at the water in her glass so she has something to fixate on. When she dares speak, she tries to be tactful. “Are you bringing Chrstopher by after school?”

 He’s also staring at something–maybe nothing in particular–when he answers. “No,” he says simply. “He has Robotics Club tonight and then my aunt is taking him to see a movie. Ever since my abuela died, she’s been really intense about spending time with her family. She took off back to El Paso last week just to yank my sister’s kids out of school for a day together.”

 Maddie laughs. “I’m sure your sister was thrilled,” she infers sardonically.

 Eddie levels, grinning. “Oh, yeah,” he agrees with a snort. “She got a call at work that her kids weren’t in class and she nearly had a heart attack. Pepa seemed to forget she has to actually sign them out in the office.”

 Maddie’s hands cover her mouth as she gasps. “Oh, no!”

 Eddie pinches the bridge of his nose as she shakes his head. “Oh, man,” he sighs. “When Sophia told me, I called Pepa and made it abundantly clear that she is to not ever do that with Christopher.”

 “Oh, my God,” wipes her eyes, doubled over in her chair. “I would kill Buck if he did that. I’d kill my parents. Oh, my goodness.”

 “Thankfully, any time Buck has yanked Chris out of school, I was aware of it beforehand and could remind him to sign out.”

 She cocks her head to the side, her eyes flickering to Buck, who is laughing with Ravi in the kitchen over what she assumes is a good old fashioned hazing of the probie.

 She returns her attention to Eddie. “How often has Buck taken Christoper out of school?”

 He purses his lips as he thinks about it. “I don’t know, probably a dozen or so times. Maybe more. He’s been in his life for over eight years, so.”

 She nods. “Buck loves him,” she tells him earnestly. 

 “He always has,” he agrees. He says it easily, like it’s obvious and inevitable.

 “Is that why you put him in your will?”

 Eddie leans back in his seat, stretching his legs out and crossing his ankles. Then, his arms. He nods, still looking ahead. “I knew Buck for like, a week, when the earthquake hit,” he starts. “I was… beside myself. I bring my son to L.A, and there’s a friggin’ 7.1 magnitude earthquake one of the first times I leave him alone. I should be focused on the problems in front of me–and there were a lot–but I kept checking my phone for an update from the school. I barely knew the people at this school. To tell you the truth, I barely knew the teachers at his school in El Paso. I wasn’t around much for his kindergarten year because I was doing my last tour. Shannon once told me that she got a gift basket from the school a few weeks into the year; they thought I’d died overseas, and they were offering their condolences. She was so embarrassed to explain that I just couldn’t come home. I put her through hell.” He’s quiet for a second, then takes a deep breath before he starts again. “Anyway. I couldn’t reach Christopher’s school during the earthquake. I called, I texted. I was the new guy and I was so distracted during the time I should have been hyper-focused on proving myself.” He cocks his head ever so slightly in the direction of the kitchen, where Buck is practically a one-man slow motion montage as he moves. “He was the only thing that kept me grounded. He was the only reason I made it through the shift unscathed. And then, he took me to pick him up after. Then, he introduced me to Carla. He volunteered to babysit on the rare times we worked opposite shifts. It didn’t happen a lot but, as the probie, you’re sort of expected to fill in for the other shifts when needed. The first time Buck watched Christopher overnight, I came home to the two of them passed out together on the couch.” He smiles as he recalls it. “Buck was upright–sort of–and Chris had his legs stretched across his stomach somehow.”

 “After the firetruck incident, Chris was the first person to make him laugh. He was down on himself and worried about his career, and we’d gone to his place with pizza and surprised him. No matter how he felt, he never let Christopher see him upset. So he put on a smile and let us in and even though I knew it was hard, I also knew he needed it.” Eddie’s lips curl into another smile. Maddie notes this seems to be a permanent setting when he talks about Buck. Many such cases. He continues. “I’d taken the last slice from the box. I was on my way back to the couch with my plate, and the pizza slipped right off the plate and onto the floor. But I couldn’t react fast enough. I stepped on it and slipped like I was a cartoon character slipping on a banana peel. Fell right on my ass. Christopher looked at me, unbothered. He was like, ‘and then what happened?’ Straight face. The comedic timing was genius. Buck laughed so hard he cried. He couldn’t breathe. Chris couldn’t figure out why it was so funny. I mean, it wasn’t that funny. But it was, you know? That was actually the night Buck gave me a key to his place.”

 “After the tsunami, I had been thinking about my will for a while. I mean, our jobs are already dangerous, but if something happened and I couldn’t be there for Christopher, it would have defaulted to my parents. Shannon was dead by then, and there was no chance in hell I was letting them raise my son. They barely raised me, and what they did do was a half-assed attempt at parenting. They were cold and harsh with me. I’m sure they wouldn’t have been that way with Chris. But I knew that Buck wouldn’t be. That certainty is what I wanted. And Chris loved Buck as much as Buck loved him. So I thought about it for a long time before doing anything. I talked about it with my attorney, I even went back and forth on the words I used in the will just in case any of what I said left it open to argue. It wasn’t until the well that I actually took the steps to finalize it. I didn’t ask him, and I should have. But then, I knew he would have done it. Because I knew he loved Chris. There were–and are–very few things I am sure of in this life. But Christopher being safe with Buck is number one.”

 Maddie takes a deep breath. “Do you love him?”

 Eddie looks at her, incredulous. “Buck?”

 “Yes.”

 “Of course I do.”

 “Are you in love with him?”

 He kind of just stares at her for a period of time before he finally speaks. “I’m straight.”

 “That’s not what I asked.”

 “Then, how can I-”

 She cuts him off. “If Buck were a woman, would you be in love with him?”

 Eddie truly thinks about for a while, but not as long as you’d think. “Maybe, yeah.”

 “Then forget about the fact that he’s a man, Eddie,” she tells him insistently. “Take the gender out of the equation. You have a kind, funny, person that’s great with kids, loves your son, and cooks. What’s missing?”

 Eddie doesn’t answer. He just stares at her, terror in his eyes in a way she hasn’t seen from him before.

 But she waits.

 He opens his mouth to speak, then decides against it. Then again, but doesn’t. He looks over his shoulder at Buck, who is laughing while she shows Harry the correct way to hold a knife when chopping. When he looks back at Maddie, he frowns. “I don’t know,” he admits.
“Can I tell you what I think?” she asks genuinely, her hands reaching to cover his own.

 He looks tempted to tell her no, but he just nods infinitesmally.

 She takes a deep breath before she begins. “I think you are in love with Buck,” she tells him simply, but quiet so as not to be heard by the aforementioned man in the kitchen. “I think you are in love with him, and you don’t know what to do with it. You’ve maybe never been in love with a man before, and that’s okay. But, I think you are in love with him now, and have been for a while. And it scares you. And I think that it’s the reason you were so angry in New Mexico. Because their homophobic comments weren’t just about Buck, but they were about you too, and they were awful people judging you for something you already judge yourself about.”

 He blinks away the tears that are suddenly in his eyes, but his gaze never leaves hers. She continues. “I think that you’re afraid to be in love with him because you have always tried to be whatever version of yourself that is perfect for everyone else–perfect son, perfect father. And in your mind, you can’t be in love with a man. That doesn’t fit in your image you’ve tried to maintain.”

 Her voice is so soft, but he shakes his head. “I’m not homophobic,” he tells her seriously.

 “I didn’t say you were homophobic. I know you’re not,” she promises.

 “Then what are you saying?” he practically demands, careful to keep his voice steady but the tremble of his bottom lip gives him away.

 “I think you’re scared of being yourself. I think you’re in love with Buck and you’re scared of whatever it means.”

 His voice is barely above a whisper. “My parents wouldn’t be able to look at me anymore.”

 “I think what’s more important is whether or not you can look at yourself, Eddie,” she soothes, rubbing her thumbs over his knuckles comfortingly. “For all the crap you’ve dealt with in your life, I think you should let yourself live authentically for whatever time you have left. You deserve to be happy.”

 “What about Christopher?” he almost whimpers. “If something bad happened between Buck and I, he’d never forgive me.”

 She almost laughs, but it’s without humor–only kindness. “You and I both know that Buck would never leave Christopher behind. Or you. No matter what.”

 “I know,” he agrees.

 He looks back at Buck and then wipes the tears from his face before clearing his throat. He repositions himself in his seat. “I’ve never said the words out loud before,” he admits.

 “Whether you say them or not won’t change the truth,” she points out, “but if you want to say them, go ahead. I won’t tell anyone.”

 He looks around carefully and drops his voice until it’s almost imperceptible. His hands grip the sides of the tabletop and he takes a deep breath. “I,” he starts slowly. “Am… in love… with Buck.”

 He winces as soon as he says it, squeezing his eyes shut as though prepared to be struck down, but nothing happens. Maddie’s smile spreads across her entire face, and her happy tears start to fall freely. She folds her hands under her chin while she watches him.

 He opens them again and looks in the kitchen, where Buck’s arms are crossed while he assesses Ravi and Harry’s skills. Eddie returns his focus to Maddie. She tilts her head, a maternal level of concern on her features. “How do you feel?” she asks.

 “Nauseous.”

 She giggles. “And?”

 He thinks about it, then: “Terrified.”

 “That’s okay,” she promises him.

 They’re interrupted by the sound of the front door opening as Hen and Chim return from shopping, and Eddie sprints to the bathroom to get rid of the evidence of his teary-eyed confession. Maddie just wipes her tears away with her sleeve. Crying for whatever reason is sort of her default setting, so no one would bat an eye at it anyway.

 Buck sends his minions to retrieve the paper bags from Hen and Chim, and they sit down at the table together while interesting and intoxicating smells start to come from the kitchen.

 Eddie returns, doing his best to look normal and not overwhelmed and smiles generously at their friends. Just as he sits down, Buck calls his name from the kitchen.

 “Yo, Eddie!” he yells. The man freezes, eyes flickering to Maddie’s in a panic. “Come see what Harry did,” he laughs.

 When Eddie disappears into the other room, Maddie refocuses her attention to her coffee. But Chimney, next to her at the table, leans in closely. “Is he okay?” he whispers curiously.

 She doesn’t look at him. “Yep,” she confirms cheerily.

 He squints, looking at Hen, who now is suspicious of her. “What happened when we were gone?” she asks, leaning over the table to hear better.

 “Nothing,” she lies, although even she knows it’s unconvincing.

 Chim recoils in surprise. “What are you hiding?” 

 “Nothing,” she repeats lamely.

 “Maddie,” Hen presses, concern and confusion coexisting on her face.

 Maddie rolls her eyes and sighs. “Fine.” Finally, after what might be an eternity, she looks at the kitchen to see Buck and Eddie in stitches together over whatever the hell it is Harry did, and she smiles just a little. She looks between Hen and Chimney licks her lip. “I did it.”

 They blink in unison, looking between her and each other. “Did what?” Hen asks.

 She stares at them while she waits for them to figure it out.

 The two of them start talking amongst themselves as they try to figure it out, but then Eddie walks back in the dining room long enough to grab his now-cold mug of coffee. As soon as he walks in, she kicks Chimney’s leg, triggering a yelp in pain, distracting the two of them long enough for Eddie to come in and leave again.

 As soon as Maddie returns to her normal, relatively-unbothered state, Hen and Chim look twice as confused and stare in the direction of Eddie and Buck in the room over.

 Hen is the first one to guess it.

 Her gasp is only stifled by her own forethought to cover her mouth. “Wait,” she shushes lowly, “like… it?”

 Maddie nods, grateful that she doesn’t have to explicitly state it.

 “Did what?” Chimney begs to know, more lost now than he began.

 The girls exchange a look, then laugh. She rests her hand on her husband’s shoulder and kisses his cheek. “I’ll explain later.”

 By the time the meal is made and served in a dozen dishes around the big dining table, May and Athena arrive with the sparkling juice and the champagne. Buck doesn’t know what the rules are during his detox–and ever again when it comes to drinking, but Maddie doesn’t worry about him when he accidentally sips Ravi’s alcohol instead of his own juice. He winces, sticks his tongue out in disgust, and finds the correct glass. 

 Buck sits at the head of the table so he can quickly get up if anyone needs anything, and for the first time in days, there’s some color back in his cheeks. For the first time in days, he eats almost his whole plate. For the first time in days, everything seems normal.

 Baby Nash wakes up and is passed around the table like a hot potato, but seems to settle into Athena’s arms while she cuts a breakfast sausage from her plate into tiny pieces to feed him.

 The village they’ve built could survive anything, she thinks.

 Buck tries to clear the dishes, but Maddie doesn’t let him. She takes them and borrows Chimney to help her with the dishes, and when people start to retire to the living room, the cuddle pile goes down for a nap. Athena leaves then–she does not sleep with people–and after the dishes are dried and put away, Maddie finds Nash conked out in Ravi’s arms and she takes a dozen pictures for later.

 What she notices is that neither Buck nor Eddie are in the cuddle pile. They’re outside, sitting at the firepit. It’s daytime, still. No need for a fire, yet, and she doesn’t see one. But they sit together, facing away from the windows.

 She hauls Chimney into Buck’s bedroom, planting the two of them at the window, with a perfect view of her brother and Eddie.

 “What are you doing?” he wonders, letting her maneuver him. She nods toward the guys outside as she carefully conceals them behind the curtains. “Are we spying?” he wonders then, excited.

 She snorts. “You asked earlier what I did,” she whispers.

 “Yeah…”

 “This is what I did,” she tells him simply.

 “I don’t get it,” he says, smacking on his gum. “They’re just sitting together.”

 “Just watch,” she shakes her head, a grin on her lips.

 So they do.

 They watch for a long time, actually, and it feels like an eon.

 Buck and Eddie laugh a lot. Bump shoulders on purpose. It would be normal to any outsider. But then Maddie can feel the nervousness radiating from Eddie through the window pane and she nudges Chim awake eagerly. “Huh?” he mutters groggily, sitting upright quickly.

 “Howie, look,” she urges.

 He follows her eyes and watches.

 And then, as if on cue, Eddie does the scary thing.

 He reaches an arm around Buck, his hand securely holding his head and pulling him in. Maddie smacks Chim’s arm excitably. “Oh my God,” she whispers.

 “Oh, my God,” he echoes, aghast.

 Eddie’s eyes flutter closed as his lips close against Buck’s, and she watches Buck instinctively reach with his own hand to cup Eddie’s cheeks. Their kiss lasts maybe ten seconds, and their second lasts only a few. They kiss several times in quick succession, each one as deep and passionate as the last.

 Maddie feels like she’s intruding but she can’t look away.

 She watches Eddie put both hands on the sides of Buck’s face and touch their foreheads together. “I’m in love with you,” she sees him say.

 She doesn’t see what Buck says back.

 But she sees them hug, and then a tear rolls down Eddie’s cheek and falls. 

 She watches her little brother fall in love. 

 “You did this?” Chimney asks, nudging her affectionately.

 She nods. “Sort of. They just needed a push,” she beams.

 Suddenly, Chimney groans dramatically, leaning over his own lap, exasperated. “Oh……” he complains.

 “What?” She throws her hands up in confusion.

 “This is gonna be a whole HR meeting,” he complains.

 And she feels for her husband. She does. But mostly, she doesn’t care, because Buck is doing better and Eddie is doing better and Buck is in love with Eddie and Eddie is in love with Buck and now the two of them know what the rest of them have known for years.

 Being a big sister isn’t for the faint of heart.