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Having once lost everything, protecting that which he had gained since then was of the highest priority in Illuga’s life.
Friends, squadmates, civilians, Nod-Krai… Loss made everything feel so much more precious and simultaneously all the more fleeting. Just as much as it influenced his growth as a fighter and leader, loss controlled his actions. Every expedition, every fight… scenarios pervaded his mind and left his heart racing as he contemplated which of the possible outcomes that had kept him up for nights before should occur this time.
With every loss came a newfound appreciation for what he had. Another dinner with his squadmates, another night of sleep, another chance to wake up. Another chance to further the Lightkeepers’ battle against the wild hunt so that maybe one day, loss would merely be a thing of his past.
As a captain, Illuga was well-accustomed to keeping a strong front around the other lightkeepers, especially within the squad he led, the Nightmare Orioles. He knew they held a deep respect for him and looked to him in times of crisis despite his status as the youngest squad leader. As such, Illuga himself was the only one privy to his uncertainty, fears, and anxieties.
While he cared deeply for his fellow lightkeepers, Illuga also subconsciously tended to maintain a certain distance from them. Sure, he would take care of them, play Tabletop Troupe with them, engage in friendly banter with them– hell, he’d sacrifice himself for them if need be– but he would seldom open up to them. Acknowledging his fears made them realer, and it was easier to keep them in a corner of his mind where they threatened to spill out when he got anxious.
Illuga truly valued the connections and relationships he had with his squad and other lightkeepers, but simultaneously he was terrified by the notion of intertwining his and their lives more than they already had. After all, the more he had, the more he had to lose. And he would do anything to avoid that same outcome again, that sheer loss of everything he cherished.
So, naturally, a willingness to love did not come easy to Illuga, no matter how good he was at loving. Love was ingrained in every single action he took, it was in the food he’d cook for squadmates, it was in the laughs that erupted from his chest as he joked with the others, it was in the way he’d lead investigations with him in the front so that he’d be the first to face imminent danger. More than the notion of being alone or lacking close relationships, he feared grief.
It was no surprise that things didn’t work out as you’d hoped.
Almost a year prior, you had assisted the Lightkeepers as temporary support against an exceptionally difficult ongoing battle with the Wild Hunt. Having faced many formidable opponents in the past, even fearlessly going toe-to-toe with gods and the Abyss, you were eager to assist when you received a letter from Varka at your home in Mondstadt. Within days, you had arrived in Piramida, ready to take some of the burden off of the Lightkeepers’ shoulders.
You remembered your first day. Upon your arrival, you were greeted by the Starshyna, Nikita, and his son who he had trusted to show you around.
In the beginning, Illuga treated you with the same kindness that he extended to all. There was no noteworthy connection budding between you two– in hindsight, likely because he was actively fighting it. As time went on, however, he seemed to check up on you more, linger at the dining table a little longer while you finished your food, take on the same menial tasks around the base with you… He let down his guard, knowing that you weren’t leaving anytime soon. For a brief moment in time, however short, he let himself fall for you.
But for the same reason he let his guard down, he was soon met with a painful reminder of why he guarded his heart so firmly in the first place. About three months after you had joined the Lightkeepers, Nikita and the others had prepared a uniform for you as a surprise.
Returning to Piramida, even for just a few days, was welcome respite from the daily fighting and hardship you and the other Lightkeepers endured on the frontlines. A small banquet had been organized following a recent significant victory and would take place that night.
It was exciting, preparing for an event. After a few months of wearing and washing the same few outfits, dedicating time most nights to handsew tears and rips on your clothes from facing the Wild Hunt, you were eager to wear a more formal outfit that you had bought that day from a merchant on the streets of Piramida.
You wondered what Illuga would wear.
The banquet itself was filled with food, drinks, and laughter. It was gratifying to see many normally tense Lightkeepers letting loose for one night.
As the night began to wind down, Nikita gave a small speech expressing his appreciation of the Lightkeepers’ efforts as a whole, specifically mentioning you.
“...New developments have made this fight against the Wild Hunt last longer than expected, so we’ve prepared a uniform for you as a token of our thanks… You’re one of us, and I know I speak for everybody here when I say we sincerely hope you’ll continue to lend us your aid. Your help has been invaluable, and we cannot thank you enough.”
Cheers and some drunk hollers erupted from the Lightkeepers as you accepted the uniform. You turned to Illuga, who had a smile on his face.
“I guess now that I have a uniform, I have no choice but to stick around,” you beamed at him.
“I suppose so,” Illuga responded with a chuckle.
“You’ll have to deal with me for a little while longer,” you joked.
“I’d like it if you stayed,” He spoke quietly before looking down at his plate and pushing his smoked fish around with his fork.
The smile faded from your face as you mulled over what he said, feeling your face heating up ever so slightly. You turned away from him, picking up your drink and taking a huge swig.
Days after, you had all returned to the frontlines. You were wearing your newly gifted uniform and chatting with some members of the Nightmare Orioles before embarking on an expedition, smiling and giggling as they complimented how you looked as one of them.
It was at this moment that Illuga emerged from one of the tents. His heart dropped as soon as he saw you. He stood there as if frozen in place, expression falling as he stared at you. There you were, in the same uniform he had seen on so many bodies of Lightkeepers that fell victim to the Wild Hunt. You were there, you were real, you were exposed every single day to the same dangers that he was. Suddenly, it felt like Nod-Krai was closing in on him as he realized that losing you was a very real possibility.
It terrified Illuga to entertain the notion that you could very well meet the same fate as many old allies.
A million thoughts raced through his mind, admonishing himself for his developing feelings and selfishly expressing his desire for you to stay with him on the frontlines.
“... See, even the Captain can’t stop staring at you! It looks good!”
Illuga was used to his squad teasing him about his feelings for you that had become increasingly apparent as of late, but this time made him feel sick.
“Captain? You okay there?”
He took a short breath and refused to look at you, much less meet your inquisitive gaze.
“Yeah… It looks good.”
But like a blue Kuuhenki to a red one, it was hard for him to distance himself from you. While every supposedly logical thought in his head urged him to stop getting closer to you, it became clear that his head and his heart were not in agreement. Amidst teasing and encouragement from your squadmates along with the way the two of you would spend downtime together, chatting late into the night, you both realized that your feelings for each other were in fact, requited.
It was a constant battle between his head and his heart after Illuga came to this conclusion. It became harder to deny that he wanted more with you, but the closer he got, the more the idea of committing to a relationship like that scared him.
Intrusive thoughts of what could happen to you on the battlefield plagued his mind half of the time. The other half of the time was spent thinking about how wonderful it would be to love you– even just to love, without the constraints of potential loss dictating every decision he made. He knew how to deal with performance anxiety, hiding his concerns, presenting as a strong leader…he didn’t know how to deal with love.
Ignoring the obvious romantic tension between the two of you only grew more difficult as time went on. Life continued. You’d go on expeditions and come back without a scratch as Illuga protected you in particular. You’d be looking over some documents at the base when he would surprise you with a bowl of Nightwatch Soup. You’d feel a chill breeze and he would place his thick coat over your shoulders without a word. The remnants of his body heat on the interior of the coat would warm you up.
About seven months after your initial arrival in Nod-Krai, you were back in Piramida with Illuga and a few other Lightkeepers, retrieving more supplies. This time, you would stay at Illuga’s house.
It was almost midnight, and you were laying on your side in Illuga’s bed, in accordance with his insistence that you take the bed; he would be alright on the sofa. At that moment, however, you were chatting, so he had pulled a chair over and laid his head on his arms, which rested on the edge of the bed.
Illuga talked about menial, insignificant things, as a means to avoid having to acknowledge that he just wanted to spend more time with you. Despite fighting to stay awake, the time in between your replies to each other grew exponentially longer as your drowsiness gained the upper hand.
As he gazed at you, it seemed that all of the other facets of his life melted away. Loss, victory, life, death, the past and the future– none of it mattered. What was it that he had been so scared of this entire time? You were there, he was there, in the same moment– that was all that mattered. Suddenly, the present seemed like the most precious thing.
How many moments like this one had he let slip out of his grasp?
He opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out.
“Uh-” He let out a shaky breath, trying to calm his racing heart.
“I love you.”
He held his breath waiting for your response. Where was the knot in his stomach, his reservations, his fears?
“I know, Illuga,” you said quietly, pausing before your next words. “I love you, too.”
There they were. He felt sick.
–---
You had returned to Mondstadt shortly after, as the primary threat you were initially requested to help with was, for the most part, neutralized.
As per Illuga’s wishes, nothing had come of your mutual feelings.
He never explicitly said why, but he didn’t need a reason, so you left it at that. You anticipated awkward interactions with him, but on the contrary, Illuga was unexpectedly caring in your last few weeks with the Lightkeepers. He continued to make sure you were warm and well-taken care of. Every scratch or wound inflicted on you would be tended to by Illuga personally. He would cook you your favorite meals, then sit and eat with you over a deafening silence. Every time he looked at you, he did so with an expression resembling that of grief, his gentle eyes narrowing slightly, disheartened. He protected you fiercely on the battlefield to a worrying extent. Illuga’s usually sensible and cautious nature was nowhere to be found as he threw himself into battle for the sake of your safety.
It all felt like a grand romantic gesture, an earnest, silent plea to defy his wishes and be with him. Admittedly, you wanted to be with him, but who were you to disregard his request?
With a heavy heart and unresolved feelings, you left Nod-Krai.
In the months that followed, you kept consistent correspondence with Varka through letters. Since you were so heavily invested in the situation, you had asked Varka to keep you updated on the affairs of the Wild Hunt. He would give you a thorough summary of their progress and the wellbeing of your new Lightkeeper friends. Every letter ended with an update on Illuga. Some were worrisome, some were endearing, some made your heart ache.
“... Luckily, we returned to Piramida in time. It was a close one!
Varka
P.S. Can you send over 3 crates of Dandelion Wine? I ran out.
P.P.S. I’m sure you could sweet talk Diluc into throwing in a complimentary extra crate…just food for thought…
P.P.P.S. Illuga has been eating dinner alone lately and being very aggressive towards the Wild Hunt on the frontlines. I mean, he’s killing it out there, but he’s had an intense vibe ever since you left!”
“...In any case, things ended well, so I’m not too worried.
Varka
P.S. Thanks for the Dandelion Wine last time. They loved it! I kept a few bottles for myself though.
P.P.S. I saw Illuga laying on the grass last night looking up at the moon. He still eats alone most of the time, too. Someone misses you…”
“...Big victory. We celebrated in Piramida after, especially since everybody returned safely!
Varka
P.S. Can you send more Dandelion Wine?
P.P.S. You should pay us a visit soon, even if just to say hi. The Lightkeepers miss you.
P.P.P.S. I mostly mean Illuga.”
The latest letter was different. Varka typically sent you a letter each month, but this particular letter arrived only days after the last. It was shorter, and got straight to the point– that being, Illuga.
“Hey [name],
It’s only been a few days since my last letter, but I wanted this to reach you as soon as possible. Illuga got pretty badly injured on the battlefield yesterday, so he’s recovering back at his house in Piramida right now. A Wilderness Exile got into one of the camps at night and left a pretty nasty gash on his leg and one across his chest. He sprained his wrist during that fight as well. He insisted that he could recover at the camp and take care of cooking and documents but I ordered him to return home. Nikita backed me up.
Before we forced him to go back, though, he asked if I could send you a message in my next letter to you. I guess his bad injuries got him thinking about what he really wants in life. But he can’t write with his wrist injury, so he gave me a rundown of what he wanted me to write on his behalf.
I think you should go visit Illuga in Piramida and talk to him. Cook him soup and stuff, whatever he does when we get injured or sick. It’s definitely a conversation better had in person rather than paraphrased by me in a letter, and I’m sure the captain wouldn’t mind having you take care of him either.
If you do, it’d be great if you can stop by Cliffwatch Camp to say hi and pick up some of the clothes he left. Hope to see you soon.
Varka
P.S. Please bring Dandelion Wine.”
So, you were back at Cliffwatch Camp in the early morning, with one crate of Dandelion Wine in tow. How could you not return, knowing that Illuga had things to say, feelings to resolve? Granted, Varka hadn’t specified what Illuga wanted to say– for that would defeat the purpose of visiting him– but your conversations with the Lightkeepers at Cliffwatch Camp confirmed your suspicions.
When you first walked into the camp, you were greeted by Anleifr.
“Oh, hey, been a while! Varka said you might come by to pick up Illuga’s clothes.” He said, giving you a firm pat on the back. “Come with me, let’s go get them.”
You followed Anleifr towards the main building.
“Woah, it’s [name]! And more Dandelion Wine!” One of the Lightkeepers exclaimed, rushing over to take the crate off of your hands.
“Illuga’s stuff is over here… If that’s what you came for,” another said. You turned towards the source of the voice to see Egle. She pulled you in for a brief embrace before walking over to a crate and retrieving the items in question.
“A few clothes, his journal, some books… This should be everything,” Egle handed you Illuga’s belongings. “I’m glad things will finally be cleared up between you two.”
“Yeah, right? Our captain will finally start sleeping at night instead of brooding in the cold,” Anleif let out a slight chuckle.
“Sorry, what?” You asked, startled by their comments. How much did they know? “Uh, I mean, what’s been up with Illuga?”
Egle and Anleif shared an unamused look.
“Come on, [name]. If it wasn’t obvious that something was going on between you two before, it became super obvious once you left,” Egle said in a matter-of-fact tone. “Illuga’s been off ever since.”
“Oh, yeah. I remember during dinners, he would always rest his chin on his hand all daydream-like and stare at you with a little smile,” Anleifr chimed in. “And he would wake up early to style his hair before expeditions. Expeditions!”
“And don’t forget how he tried to transfer [name] to kitchen staff,” Egle groaned.
“...When did that happen?” You asked, dumbfounded.
“The time you twisted your ankle in Kipumaki. He got spooked and tried to convince Nikita the kitchen was so short staffed, we needed to make one of our strongest fighters a line cook,” Anleifr sighed.
This new knowledge made Illuga’s romantic feelings towards you so obvious in retrospect. Simultaneously, you became even more confused about why he had insisted the two of you shouldn’t be together.
“I didn’t know all this happened.”
“Well, yeah. He tried to keep a pretty strong front around you. We all thought you must have rejected him, with the way he was acting,” Egle shook her head. “But then he got drunk one night– which he never does in the first place– and started rambling about how he regrets, um… ” she paused, looking at Anleifr. “Maybe you should just hear it from Illuga himself.”
After some light banter with the two of them and others, you bade the Lightkeepers at Cliffwatch Camp goodbye, and made your way to Illuga’s house in Piramida.
As soon as you stepped foot into the settlement, a familiar nightingale illuminated in golden hues swooped down to perch on your shoulder.
“Hey Aedon,” you felt a smile creeping onto your face, knowing that Illuga was near. Aedon remained on your shoulder as you continued your walk.
Once you reached Illuga’s house, you stopped to look around. The last time you were here, he had told you he loved you. You had no idea what the near future held for the two of you, but closure was imminent.
His mailbox was, for once, not stuffed to the brim with unread content. A book lay open on the side table, with a bookmark delicately placed on the pages. Some of the clothes hanging on the clothesline had faint blood stains, presumably from his recent wounds.
Your thoughts were interrupted by the door swinging open.
“Aedon! Where are–”
Illuga’s eyes met your gaze as you took a good look at him for the first time in months. He had a wrist brace on– his dominant hand, you noticed. One of his pant legs was rolled up, exposing the innumerable bandages wrapped around his shin that were starting to be bled through. He wore a button-up shirt with the buttons mismatched and offset by one– you imagined he wasn’t expecting guests. It was unbuttoned towards the top, leaving his bandaged chest, collarbones, and scars from previous battles exposed.
You had never seen him in such a state, and the sight of him so disheveled and wounded left you unsure of what to say, mouth agape.
It seemed that Illuga was at a loss for words as well. Your eyes darted from his eyes to his multiple injuries until he finally spoke
“[Name]... What are you doing here?”
“Varka told me I should come see you…How are you doing?” You asked, heart racing and voice faltering.
“... Come inside,” he said, opening up the door for you. He looked exhausted up close.
Aedon flew from your shoulder towards Illuga’s lantern, which was gingerly placed on a shelf beside some dusty books. Once Illuga shut the door behind you two, the words started falling out of your mouth before you could think about them.
“So are you okay? Do you need help changing your bandages? You’re bleeding through a little, has it still not stopped? Oh! I have your clothes, your books, and–”
“I made a mistake when I said that we-” Illuga cut you off. “...when I said we shouldn’t be together.”
You were expecting to talk about how things ended, but certainly not straight away. He must have been holding onto that for a long time, judging by how readily he confessed his supposed mistake.
You blinked a few times, unsure how to respond.
“If you don’t feel the same anymore, that’s fine, I just…” he took a deep breath and maintained eye contact. “It doesn’t feel right to leave it at that. I want to tell you how I truly felt.”
Your silence urged him to proceed.
“It took you returning to Mondstadt for me to realize that you are,” Illuga took another breath and broke eye contact, looking at the metal-paneled floor. “Inextricably entwined into my heart. I tried not to love you– I just– I’ve lost so much, the thought of losing more… losing someone as special as you… it petrified me.”
“And…knowing that you feel– or felt– the same way made it so much harder.” His eyes met yours once more, as if they implored you for an answer– some semblance of requited feelings.
“I still feel the same way, Illuga,” you said, hoping it would encourage him to continue opening up.
He let out a big sigh this time, presumably one of relief, before continuing.
“So, I was too scared to pursue anything. But when you left, I felt as if a part of me had gone with you.”
Illuga’s normally composed demeanor cracked as he opened his heart to you.
“I waited to feel better, but I thought about you more every day, about what we could have been. I tried convincing myself that I was okay with loving you from afar, but I… knew that I wanted more.”
Even in his room all those months ago, you never could have imagined such vulnerable declarations coming from the ever-calm-and-collected Captain of the Nightmare Orioles. The Illuga you knew was certainly kind and caring, but equally guarded and repressed. While you were in Mondstadt, you had assumed that Varka’s anecdotes about Illuga were portraying a dramatized and embellished version of events. Now, as he poured his heart out to you, those anecdotes started to seem more and more authentic.
“And everyone started asking what happened between us, and I just… didn’t know what to say other than it being my fault.”
His breathing calmed, and he finally gestured for you to take a seat on the sofa as he led the two of you over. You sat across from him, words still stuck in your throat.
“So then… what do you want?” You asked quietly. In retrospect, it was a blunt question that you could have phrased with more decorum, but he seemed to pay your forthrightness no mind.
“...To be completely honest, part of me still wants to lie and pretend that I don’t know what I want,” Illuga said, leaning back into the sofa as he looked up at the ceiling. “I’m still scared, that much is still true. But I also know that what I feel for you is worth… braving the unknown for.”
And at long last, he said it– the words that had gone unrealized months ago in the very house you were sitting in. Confidence and a little more than just a hint of yearning were present in his eyes as he sat up to meet your gaze.
“I want to be with you.”
His confidence faltered as he rushed to clarify his statement, but a smile had already crept onto your lips nonetheless.
“G-given that you feel the same way, that is. And of course, you don’t have to give me an answer now, I’ll wait”
Months of trying to ascertain why Illuga did not initially want to be with you led you to have your own reservations, however. Although Illuga may have overvalued his fears of committing to a relationship with you, these fears had validity regardless. There were countless unknowns that could threaten your relationship.
At the same time, it was certain that you wanted to be with Illuga. Even the tests of time and distance had not diminished your feelings. It was just a matter of what you deemed worth your efforts, worth your vulnerability, worth even perhaps your pain.
“... I want to try together, Illuga.”
Illuga’s normally polite smile shifted to a joyous grin he failed to fight back against. He let out a shaky chuckle.
“That’s a relief.” He ran a bandaged hand through his hair before regaining his composure. “I won’t let you down. I truly want this to work out, and I’ll do everything in my power to ensure it does.”
“Relax, Illuga. We’re in this together,” you assured him.
“I know, I know. There’s just… a lot to figure out. Like the fact that you live in Mondstadt. I suppose the Wild Hunt hasn’t been as destructive as of late… I could spare a week or two to visit you soon, if you wish,” Illuga mused.
“I think you’re getting a little ahead of yourself. You should probably fully recover before you think about travelling… or the Wild Hunt,” you said, gesturing to his bandaged chest.
He nodded, looking away. “...Yeah. I just want to be able to see you while I can, in case things on the front lines get… worse.”
You understood now.
“Illuga, I’m not going anywhere until your injuries are healed,” you said, standing up to move over to his side of the sofa. “Besides, if things with the Wild Hunt got worse, I’d just come to Nod-Krai to help again.”
Illuga looked relieved. “You’re going to stay?”
“Of course. That’s what Varka told me to come here for, anyway. To take care of you.”
“I guess that’s another thing I need to figure out– how to let myself be taken care of. Wait, Mr. Varka told you to come here?”
“Uh… yeah, he told me you got hurt…among other things.”
The two of you talk about the few months you had spent in each other's absence as you help clean his wounds and change his bandages. Before long, the sun is beginning to set, and you are in Illuga’s kitchen, cooking him Radish Veggie Soup while he sits at the dining table. His head rests on his hand– the one not in a wrist brace– as he observes you, bearing a fond smile. You’re engrossed in your culinary craft when he interrupts you with a thought.
“I feel like a fool.”
You pause your stirring, turning towards him and prompting him to continue.
Illuga chuckles. “I just can’t believe it took me this long to figure out that I … need to be with you.”
Your heart flutters at his choice of words.
“I feel as if I’ve completed a puzzle I’ve been unable to solve for ages,” he sighs. “And there’s still a lot for us to figure out, but right now, I’m just happy to have gotten that off my chest.”
“From what I’ve heard, it was weighing on you a lot,” you teased lightly.
“About that, what exactly did Varka tell you?”
“...Don’t worry about it.”
Illuga had always operated under the pretense that loss was just around the corner. Prior to meeting you, he had always defined loss in terms of life and death. Only when you left Nod-Krai had he realized that loss was neither as binary nor absolute as he had liked to believe. Loss wasn’t solely defined by losing you, but also by losing the opportunities he yearned for with you.
Taking the risk of being with you would be the first step in Illuga’s journey of unlearning bad habits– avoiding close companionship, not relying on others, bottling up his emotions… but for the time being, Illuga was just happy to be sharing a warm bowl of soup with you in his kitchen. For the first time, Illuga felt like it was impossible to lose– and he would find a way to make sure that feeling stayed, starting with loving you the way he had always wanted to.