Chapter Text
Chapter One.
(This takes place right after the Tiger General guy dies in the kapow episode, so go watch that first incase you haven't yet!!)
"Groan...." He picked himself up, dusting off the debris from his uniform and sighing. His tummy was cut open like a piece of food, and half of his teeth were missing from that stupid pizza delivery boy, he dubbed that green bear, as he never learned his name. He shoved his intestines back into his stomach, shuddering at the odd and rather disgusting sensation of touching his own organ. He already knew he was dead, he at the pearly gates, he could see the millions upon billions of other souls waiting in line as well. He scanned the line ahead of him, since he died pretty early in the morning, it wasn't that long. But not short enough either. This was gonna take a loooong time....
After what seemed like potentially months, it was finally his turn to be judged and have his afterlife decided for. He limped towards the angel who was in charge of guarding the gates, avoiding eye contact with its several ever judging eyes. Or at least what he hoped were eyes. Despite having been behind several souls ahead who also had to go through the same process, he didn't pay attention to them, he had little clue what he was getting himself into....
"Hello, Cain ■■■■■■■ (Idk what his name is and what to put as his last name either). I am §œ×ðøæŧxl·l, here to go over every single sin, virtue and action you have committed throughout your life." What!! like, everything everything? No wonder it took so damn long to even see the end of the line.... oh well, it can't be that bad. Hopefully. "We'll start off with your first ever sin: You bit your mother's breast when she fed you an hour after you were born. Next, you spat on blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.....”
Another long ass time later, the guard woke him up because he fell asleep after the first item on the lecture. "Wake up. It's time to review everything, especially your ratio of sins and virtues. It's the most important part." He jolted awake, rubbing his only eye tiredly. "Hmm?? Oh, yeah, sure. Whatever this thing is." Because he lost 18 of his teeth, most being his front teeth, his voice had an obvious whistle to it. The angel cleared its voice and announced his score. "Your total of sins is 72,318,849,304,293,299,281. Your total of virtues are 30,493,591,895 and a half. Everything else or miscellaneous, which doesn't matter, is 23,103,937,493,561,209,484,847. Here is the list of all the major sins your universe defines as such, attempted or not, that you have committed towards others: Murder-93,742. Cannibalism-42. Arson-93. Coercion-942851. Manipulation-1,364,925,425. Terrorism-21,870. Tax fraud-21. Tax envision-82. Compliance with murder and/or hiding of murder-93. Assault, all kinds-92,820. And littering-13.
Honestly, very impressive. Your ratio of sins to virtues is nearly 700,000 : 1! (Idk if that's mathematically correct or not, but I'm not calculating that). One of our new records! Of course, obviously, it means you're going to hell."
Hell! HELL! No way was he going there, that's been one of his biggest fears since forever! "NOO!!!!!!!!" He could feel himself start hyperventilating like how he usually does whenever his 'birth giver', as he calls her, is mentioned. "MY BITCHASS MOM IS GONNA BE THERE!!!!! YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME. IF I SO MUCH AS SEE HER GODDAMN FACE, IT WILL NOT END WELL." (Btw I don't hate my mom, this is just for the plot n stuff. Mom, if ur reading this, which I hope ur not, I love you and ur the best) "A- Are you completely sure there's nothing else you can do!? I- I'll even take an even worse punishment if it means that- That woman isn't there! Please!!!!! Anything!!!!! Just please don't make me spend the rest of eternity there with her in there!"
The guard angel creature thing looked surprised, but used to his reaction. "Alright.... Normally, we would have to send you straight to, you know where, but because your ratio is totally wonkers, I suppose you have a choice. You can go to where they call.... 'The Therapism.' It's this dimension designed for rehabilitation, and-" Before it could finish, he immediately agreed. "I'll take it." "Are you sure-" "Just take me already!" He snapped. The guard closed its hopefully-eye-looking-eyes and he was sent there.
The Therapism was.... Very odd. Time seemed to stop, but it didn't feel like it. He had to go through a 78-step process, but other than that, it was pretty straight forward. At least he got his missing teeth filled in during so, all 18 he lost. Unfortunately, the same couldn't be said about his stomach situation. Guess he'll have to spend the rest of eternity with an open wound right in his torso. The guards gave him the most hideous bright orange prison jumpsuit, which he had no choice but to wear. The jumpsuit had a name tag with his name on it, in big black letters and all uppercase. "Damn, I can't believe I'm going to have to spend the rest of my ‘technically’ afterlife here, and wearing this damn jumpsuit!” He thought to himself as he got changed, handing over his clothes and what belongings he still had to the guards. They then brought him over to his cell/rehabilitation room. It was a white brick wall room, 12 feet by 15 feet, with one bed, a metal sink, and a plastic white table with a chair that was too short for him. The bed was a flat mattress on a bedframe of metal, white bedsheets, a single pillow and no blanket.
He sat on the edge of bed and sighed, rubbing his temples and feeling the silver tooth implants with his tongue. He lay down on the bed, which he barely fit as he was the average height for his age, gender and species, 8 foot and 6 inches tall, and looked up at the ceiling, rethinking about his life and what he had achieved with it.
Maybe he really did deserve to be here.
Oh well. It's far too late now.