Work Text:
"What is this?"
His arms were crossed. You stared at the phone on the coffee table in front of you for a moment, then glanced back up at him.
"Well..." You drawled. "I think you figured that out yourself already."
Your tone was dismissive in a way you knew would get you scolded. Speaking like this to your older brother had never gone well for you in the past.
Caleb was silent for a long moment. Then he crouched down in front of the couch, pulling your chin so you were forced to look at him.
"I'm not going to play games with you right now, Meimei. I need you to be honest with me."
You scowled. Your face burned.
"What else is there to say?"
His grip on your chin tightened.
"Well first, I'd like to know why."
That was Caleb. His incessant need to know everything that related to you, even your most private thoughts. He wouldn't leave until you had opened up, you were sure of it.
Your head felt like it was full of cotton. You stared at him blankly, neck tilted at an awkward angle. You swallowed. Squeezed your eyes shut.
"You're smart, aren't you? Are you really going to make me humiliate myself in front of you?"
"Humiliate?" His eyebrows scrunched, voice hurt. "Since when did things like embarrassment matter between us? Since when did ..."
His eyes trailed your body with a searching gaze. He took a deep breath.
"I just want to understand. So I can help." His thumb traced the edge of your tired eyes. "When did my Meimei become so stubborn, hm? Where did my spoiled girl go?"
His hand slid down to your upper arm and he rubbed his fingers over the skin there.
You found yourself unsure of what to do.
To be honest, you had never intended on him finding out. It was always meant to be a personal way of relieving your stress... Even if it wasn't the healthiest method. But health be damned, sometimes you needed to feel something sharp to get your sharp feelings out; to dissolve them away into the air around you.
Not that Caleb would ever understand that.
...Or at least, that's what you had thought. You had believed that if he ever found out, he'd be preoccupied with the symptom itself; tie you down, lock up every sharp item in the house, baby proof your whole life. Remove your freedom to suffer, even at your own hand. A part of you still believed he might do that. But right then...
He looked up at you, searching your face with those eyes you struggled to look at sometimes. His eyebrows were knit with worry, apprehension. You rarely ever saw him look quite so tense before.
He... really cared about you, didn't he? The reminder had your chest hurting, eyes feeling tight with unshed tears.
You couldn't help it. You folded, both literally and figuratively, body collapsing forward into Caleb's embrace. His hands rubbed your back, rocking you back and forth. He felt warm.
You were both silent for a few minutes, before he spoke up again, his voice quiet against your ear.
"Are you ready to tell me?"
He was so persistent.
But you swallowed. Nodded. Fumbled with the back of his hoodie, feeling the warm fabric between the tips of your fingers.
"I just want... To hurt myself sometimes. It's that simple."
"Simple?" His head cocked. You swallowed, already regretting speaking. Your face burned.
"I don't do it for any complex reason, that's all." You muttered into his shoulder. "It's just the most efficient way to deal with things. Sometimes."
His hand paused for a moment. Then it resumed.
"What things are you talking about?"
You groaned. He nuzzled into you a little, nose tracing your shirt.
"It's... I don't know. When..." You grit your teeth.
"You feel something really intense, and you don't want to feel it. Like there's a big, heavy rock pressing down on your head, and it's only getting heavier. But like. when you hurt yourself, it's like... You pop that rock, like a balloon."
Your tongue ran a nervous line around your lips.
"And then, all the weight of it disappears. It's not there anymore."
He doesn't say anything for a long moment.
You could feel your heartbeat in your throat at this point. Being put in this situation... It was truly humiliating. Being forced to confess to this felt worse than any other interrogation of you he had done in the past. You wished you could just close your eyes, get it over with. Or even better, go back in time. Keep him from borrowing your phone and seeing the tab you had stupidly left open with the advice you were referencing.
But then he spoke.
"It's been difficult for you lately, hasn't it?" His breath was warm through your clothes.
"Your gege should've noticed sooner. I'm sorry, pipsqueak."
He pulled back a little, hand coming up to your chin again; softer, this time. He looked at you sweetly, his lips giving you a half smile.
"I know it's difficult. And it's not as 'efficient' as hurting yourself," he started. You swallowed.
"But the next time you feel this way... Could you come to me instead?"
His voice was soft, indulgent. You had been prepared for a lecture, to be scolded for daring to even think of hurting your body.
Being comforted instead was throwing you off. You felt your throat tighten again, and you looked down; the movement instinct at being cornered like this again, even in such a kind way. His thumb rubbed at your lower lip gently.
"Please? I swear, Gege will make the weight a little less heavy. That's what my evol's for, y'know?"
You rolled your eyes at his joke, and he cracked a smile. Stupid Caleb. Stupid Caleb making his stupid jokes at the stupidest times.
Your lip wobbled, and you pressed yourself into his neck, trying to hide deep inside him somehow.
"Okay. I'll try."