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Kyujin was struggling.
Not with choreography, or her eating habits, or with singing techniques. She was struggling with her feelings. And to her, that was the worst thing in the world.
She knew her role in the group from the moment they debuted. She’s the adorable maknae for everyone to coo over. The baby kitten everyone doted on. She loved it. She wanted more of it.
Which is why she isn’t sure when she started wanting it specifically from Sullyoon.
She still remembered the first time she laid eyes on Sullyoon, while they were both trainees. She’d heard rumors of an older girl joining the company as a vocalist and was curious to find out who it was. She finally ran into the mystery girl in the hallway leading to their vocal room and did a double take. The girl had a small, angelic face. Her eyes held such gentleness and she radiated warmth, even from a distance. At the time, Kyujin had been too awestruck to approach her, but wanted to learn more about her, wanted to see her dance and to hear her sing.
It’d been nearly four years since Kyujin debuted into the same group as the mystery girl she quietly admired. For years, she’d only allowed herself to view Sullyoon as a coworker, a friend, someone who she could rely on when things were tough and share a laugh with when things were easy. She never read too deeply into any affection she’d been shown by the older girl—it was part of an idol’s job to dish out fanservice with their group members. It wasn’t a huge secret that fans enjoyed ‘shipping’ idols together, and she knew Sullyoon was one of, if not the member who created the most buzz around ships. It was just a part of her appeal; it’s not anything to take seriously.
That’s how Kyujin used to think. But lately, she had a different point of view.
It started off as a joke. The group (if they weren’t too tired after schedules) would sometimes meet up in one of their shared dorm rooms and scroll through Twitter, TikTok, and Instagram together, seeing what fans were saying about them.
“Ahhhh~ people really think me and Haewonnie are dating, huh?” Lily giggled as they watched the umpteenth compilation of ‘Haewon Possessive Over Lily’ moments.
“Unnie, you don’t even try to hide it!!” Jiwoo teased, playfully smacking her blushing leader’s arm.
Haewon snatched the phone out of Lily’s hand, earning a whiny ‘Hey!’ from the eldest. She closed out of TikTok and went to Twitter, frantically searching up another member’s name. “Everytime we do this, it’s the same results. Me and, ahem, Lily-unnie, me and Yoona, Yoona and Bae-ah, Yoona and Jiwoo, Jiwoo and Bae-ah. Blah blah blah. Let’s see what they think of Kyujin-ah this time.”
The other members oooh’ed and looked at Kyujin, who was frantically shaking her head. “We don’t have to do that.”
“Why not?” Bae inquired, tilting her head curiously.
“Because NSWER knows we don’t see her that way!” Sullyoon chipped in, flashing Kyujin a teasing grin.
“You might be right for once.”
“Excuse me!?”
“Remember the dating show we did last year?” Haewon continued, ignoring Yoona’s indignant expression. “You and Kyujin were the only two that ended up matching together. At the time, I thought you’d end up way more popular. But people seemed to like us more instead? Maybe I acted too good, hah!”
Sullyoon raised her eyebrows in surprise. “There’s no way people were really into us being exes.”
As much as she also didn’t want to believe it, Kyujin knew this to be true. For nearly a month straight after that variety show aired, she’d stay up late into the night, scrolling through the comments under the videos and consuming all of the edits being made. There were a couple Lily and Haewon posts here and there, a bit more talking about how Jiwoo and Jinsol should’ve ended up together, but what really got under her skin was how everyone seemed to go crazy over the Haewon and Sullyoon storyline. She’d gone back to watch the series on her own and couldn’t believe it. While she was in the kitchen with only one goal on her mind—I need to use this as a way to impress Yoona-unnie—she and Haewon were outside having a confession scene straight out of a drama. Haewon was right; her acting that night was way too good. Kyujin herself almost fell for it. It pissed her off to no end. Looking back, she’d felt so giddy getting to talk to Sullyoon alone, giving her a faux confession in the form of a sandwich with a heart shaped tomato on top, even working up the nerve to exchange hand sizes with her. She was free to flirt as shamelessly as she wanted under the guise of it being a parody show; Yoona also seemed to be eating it up in the moment. They’d even ended up matching together.
So why did no one care about it afterwards?
Even worse, why didn’t she care about it?
“Do you not believe me? I’ll pull up our edits right now.” Haewon cleared the search bar of Kyujin’s name and instead began inputting herself with Sullyoon.
“Wait, unnie,” Jiwoo leaned over Haewon’s shoulder to peer into the phone, “what were the reactions to me and Bae-unnie during the dating show?”
“This dating show…did we even do something like that?” Kyujin asked in the most forced nonchalant tone.
“Huh? You totally remember!!” Lily objected. “You kept asking me if Sullyoon really liked younger wo—“
“That’s not true.”
“Isn’t it though?”
“It’s not.” Kyujin’s sudden iciness made all of the girls in the room look at her in surprise. Without another word, she rose to her feet and exited the room, heading to her dorm for the night.
That night, she laid in bed and stared blankly at the ceiling. Her mind was racing with thoughts that did nothing but sour her mood even more. One sentence that stuck with her kept replaying over and over like a broken record in her head.
‘NSWERS know we don’t see her that way.’
She knew Sullyoon was just joking around, but that’s what made it sting even more. Why did she have to be the one who doesn’t get to be ‘seen that way’? Is it because she’s the youngest member? Her and Jiwoo were only a year apart in age, so how was that fair? She felt ridiculous to even care about something as insignificant as this. It’s not as if it impacts her career in any way—people still praise Kyujin’s dance skills and refer to her as a maknace—but it mattered to her more than Kyujin liked to admit.
Because she mattered more than Kyujin liked to admit.
Her train of thought was broken by the sound of Lily stirring in her bed. Then came the whispers. “Kyujinieee~” Lily’s sing-songy hushed tone was a clear sign that she was hardly even conscious. “Are you still up?”
Kyujin dramatically groaned and decided to entertain her sleepy unnie. “I am. Why are you awake?”
“Mmmm, I should be asking you that,” Lily yawned and rolled onto her backside, rubbing her eyes as she propped herself up against her pillows. She blinked a few times and peered into the darkness over to Kyujin’s bed across the room. “Can we talk about earlier?”
“Is now really the time to talk about that?”
“Probably not, but it’s not like we get much alone time during the day.”
Kyujin sighed quietly before cautiously rising out of bed. She slowly made her way over to Lily, crawling into the elder girl’s bed as she usually did whenever her mind was troubled. Lily accepted her by making room for the other girl to comfortably lay down before laying back down herself.
“Talk to me. Did I upset you earlier?”
Kyujin shook her head, then realized Lily couldn’t see her. “No,” She spoke up. “I just didn’t want the others to know about that.”
“That’s fair enough. I’m sorry I brought it up without asking first.”
“It’s okay, unnie. I know you didn’t mean any harm.”
“Can I ask something?”
“Of course you can.”
Lily went silent for a second, before hesitantly whispering her question. “Do you…have feelings for Sullyoon?”
Kyujin’s heart dropped at the abruptness of the question. Her first instinct was to blatantly deny it, but she knew a reaction like that would raise even more suspicion. However, the true answer to that question was too intricate to put into words. The way she felt had slowly built into a mixture of love and resentment, longing and jealousy, passion and indifference, swirling inside of her body each time she was around Sullyoon—simply asking if she had feelings for the other girl was much too vague to give a proper answer to.
She felt everything. It was nearly suffocating her. But she had to contain herself.
They were idols at the end of the day. In the same group no less. Maybe in another timeline where she and Lily were just schoolgirls gossiping about their crushes during a sleepover, she’d have dared to tell her elder the truth. But they weren’t having a sleepover, even if Kyujin was in Lily’s bed. They had a comeback stage in just a few hours, and there’d be eyes everywhere. Watching them. Studying, judging, looking for the slightest mistake to use against the group for the rest of their career. She couldn’t afford to do anything that would jeopardize NMIXX.
In the end, she chose to swallow everything and shut the conversation down.
“I see all of my unnies as friends. Nothing more than that.”
“Ah, gotcha,” Lily mumbled her reply and slowly turned her body to face Kyujin, reaching out to stroke the girl’s hair comfortingly. “I hope that wasn’t too personal to ask. I was just a bit curious is all…” Her eyes were closed and her speech was slowing down; it was obvious she was drifting back to sleep.
Kyujin didn’t respond; instead she shut her eyes and tried her best to silence the voice in her brain that wouldn’t shut up about Sullyoon.
—
That night, she hardly got any sleep, even with the added comfort of Lily snoozing next to her. It was okay. She was used to restless nights. She’d become a master at managing to sneak little catnaps while getting her hair and makeup done. However, focusing during the pre-recordings proved to be more difficult than usual. Sullyoon’s hair was styled into the cutest pair of space buns; Kyujin couldn’t pull her eyes away.
“…Kyujinnie?”
Lily’s urgent tone snapped Kyujin out of her daze. She realized that she’d nearly missed her cue to begin singing.
Embarrassing.
After they wrapped up, Kyujin beelined towards the waiting room. She picked up her water bottle and gulped half of it down, trying to calm herself. She didn’t even notice the girl approaching her from behind.
“Kyujin.”
She jumped slightly and turned around, instantly recognizing the voice of her leader.
“Pull yourself together.” Haewon’s tone was firm, but her eyes held a sliver of understanding in them. “You’re making it too obvious.”
…Making what too obvious?
Kyujin didn’t want to know the answer. “I’m sorry about earlier, unnie. I didn’t get much sleep last night.” She laughed awkwardly and fiddled with her water bottle.
“I know. I saw you dozing off in the makeup chair earlier. But I also saw where your eyes were glued to when you almost messed up. Or should I say: who your eyes were glued to.”
For a brief second, Kyujin had forgotten Haewon was positioned right behind her during the intro of their song.
Haewon notices everything.
She could feel the heat rising to her cheeks as she avoided eye contact with the leader. “Ah, it’s not like that, unnie. I just spaced out for a second. I wasn’t staring at her.”
“Right.” It was obvious that Haewon didn’t believe her, but now was not the time or place to push any further.
The other girls were filing in the waiting room, Bae and Lily loudly practicing their lines while Sullyoon and Jiwoo hyped them with nonsensical ad-libs. Haewon gave Kyujin one last glance before turning to join the others in their playfulness.
—
A few hours later, NMIXX was winning their 4th music show award for their latest comeback. The audience erupted into a roar of cheers as confetti began filling the air. It was a scene straight out of a movie.
Sullyoon graciously accepted the trophy from the MC and began giving her gratitude speech. She’d hardly made it through her first sentence before she lightly tapped Kyujin on the shoulder.
When Kyujin turned to face her, she saw the taller girl’s eyes brimming with tears. Her bottom lip was jutted out into a pitiful pout.
This is the most beautiful she’s ever looked.
Kyujin’s breath caught in her throat and she smiled broadly, softly stroking Sullyoon’s arm as an encouragement for her to finish speaking, the older girl leaning into her touch as she continued.
She probably looked like a fool, but she didn’t care.
The rest of the members were following in Sullyoon’s footsteps: getting emotional while speaking, but Kyujin was managing to keep it together. Every now and then, Sullyoon would lean on Kyujin, hiding her face as she wiped her tears. Kyujin’s heart would pause each time it happened. She had to keep her composure for Sullyoon’s sake.
The encore finally began and another round of confetti burst into the air while the other groups exited the stage. This confetti was different from the last bunch. They were in the shape of bunnies—an homage to Sullyoon, who used to MC at this particular showbank. Kyujin beamed and attempted to catch one in the air.
She wasn’t the only one to notice the resemblance.
She turned around in triumph after a pink bunny landed into her palm. Jiwoo had beaten her to it; she was already handing Sullyoon a yellow bunny with a huge grin on her face.
She saw the way Sullyoon looked at Jiwoo with such adoration while accepting the confetti, and her heart panged with envy.
I wanted to be the one to show her.
Her hand was still outstretched, but Sullyoon turned away—she hadn’t noticed Kyujin’s offer.
Jiwoo continued smiling as she caught a blue bunny and also managed to give that one to Sullyoon. The ever-knowing Lily walked across the stage and silently gestured for Kyujin to take her opportunity.
Sullyoon was still fighting tears, using the hand that was now holding the confetti Jiwoo had given her to wipe them away. Kyujin swallowed her pride and held out the pink bunny once more, to which Sullyoon finally accepted.
But it wasn’t the same.
By the end of the song, Kyujin was trying not to sob herself. Thankfully, all of the other members were having moments of bursting into tears, so hers didn’t stand out too much. She was glad for that.
No one could ever know she was crying for a different reason.
—
Did Kyujin seriously think she was being subtle?
Yoona used to be unsure if she was imagining it before. All of the stolen glances, the touches that lingered a second too long, Kyujin going out of her way just to be closer to Sullyoon. But now, it was becoming undeniably clear. The other members were starting to notice it too.
“You and Kyujin really need to sort out whatever you guys have going on.”
Sullyoon scoffed, raising her arms above her head and leaning backwards to stretch. “I don’t know what you’re talking about~” She feigned oblivion in a teasing manner and plopped onto the floor.
“Stop it. I’m serious.” Haewon took a sip of her coffee before setting it down. “She almost forgot to sing because she was too busy gawking at you.”
The two women were alone in JYP’s dance room; Haewon and Lee Youngji filmed a Tiktok dancing to the chorus of Blue Valentine and Sullyoon was the designated cameraman. Youngji had stuck around a bit longer to chitchat while the Tiktok uploaded, but took off once the clock struck 8pm. Sullyoon wished she’d stayed, or taken Haewon with her.
“Don’t you think you’re being a bit dramatic? She wasn’t gawking at me.”
Haewon clicked her tongue. “She totally was. And do you not remember yesterday? The way she stormed out while we were talking about the dating show?”
Yoona shrugged. “What’s your point?”
“I think you know what my point is. She likes you. It’s too obvious.”
Don’t you think I know that?
Yoona inwardly groaned. It used to be easier to brush off Kyujin’s actions, to use plausible deniability. Everything could be blamed on just doing fanservice. It was increasingly harder to use that excuse when there were no fans around to actually be serviced.
But this was Haewon she was talking to. Sullyoon still had an ace up her sleeve.
“You’re one to talk about too obvious,” She taunted. “We’ve all seen those twitter accounts dedicated to calling you and Lily-unnie out. Haejinloops, 500woni, hey, doesn’t unnie’s dad even follow an account like that? The one whose name is Laura.”
Haewon rolled her eyes. “Stop trying to deflect. Lily-unnie and I have talked about our feelings already. What about you and Kyujin?”
“There’s nothing to talk about.”
“There definitely is, at least on her end.” Haewon refused to let up. “She shouldn’t feel like she has to hide her thoughts from you. Whatever you two decide to do isn’t any of my business, but as a leader, I won’t let my members continue to suffer. As long as it doesn’t affect the group, it’s up to you.”
Sullyoon stayed quiet as she digested Haewon’s words. Of course, the older girl was right; it was unfair of her to keep pretending to not know how Kyujin felt. But…
“…What if it did affect the group?” She asked in a small voice.
She was afraid. NMIXX was beginning to reach a new peak in their career—today being their fourth win for Blue Valentine was proof enough of that. They couldn’t afford to take any risks or be caught in any scandals. Wouldn’t the group’s image plummet if, somehow, news spread that two of the members were in a secret relationship?
Honestly, Sullyoon was a bit envious of Haewon and Lily’s dynamic. It seemed to be so much easier for them to act naturally in front of cameras without worrying about online negativity. Part of that was probably due to how open Lily already was about being queer-friendly, and the fact that she was a foreigner. She wasn’t necessarily held to the same standards as an idol from Korea was. Though Haewon hadn’t grown up in Australia like Lily, it was obvious that a lot of Lily’s mannerisms and ways of thinking had rubbed off on her.
Sullyoon wasn’t like that.
She hid her affection for her members behind the pretense of fanservice. That was the only way it’d be acceptable to the media. She was considered one of South Korea’s IT girls, known for her visuals, a staple in JangKaSullYu (Jang Wonyoung, Karina, Sullyoon, Yuna). Though it was not something she particularly cared for or about—she’d much rather be recognized for her vocals than her visuals—it was an overwhelmingly damning factor weighing into her idol image. She always felt the unspoken pressure to present herself as perfect as possible. She knew that one minor slip up could impact her career for years. She saw the way netizens would chew up and spit out female idols for anything; behaving ‘too cutely,’ plastic surgery allegations, gaining too much weight, messing up a note during a performance, and especially getting caught in a dating scandal.
No, she had to remain careful around Kyujin. For the sake of their reputation.
Haewon sat on the floor next to Sullyoon, studying her solemn face. She could tell that Sullyoon was just as troubled by this as Kyujin was, though neither of them would say it out loud. Nevertheless, she had a duty to perform as their leader. They were knee deep in promotion schedules, but the morale of the group took precedence over anything else. She had to figure out a way to resolve this before it got messier.
“Hey,” She began softly, placing a comforting hand on Yoona’s back, “don’t worry about that, alright? Even if something did happen, you still have five other members to depend on. The group will be okay, no matter what you decide. Just do what your heart wants you to do.”
Sullyoon smiled weakly. “Thank you, unnie. You always know the right thing to say. But…I have some things to figure out on my own, before I can talk to Kyujin.” She rose to her feet and sighed, her mind still racing with uncertainty, but being sure of one thing:
She wouldn’t risk damaging NMIXX.
—
Kyujin found an outlet to take her mind off of Sullyoon. She was getting to know another maknae from a different group, Leeseo.
Spending time with Leeseo was a breath of fresh air for her. Though the girls hadn’t been friends for long—they’d only exchanged contact information earlier in the year—they’d become insanely close; nearly inseparable. The younger girl was adorable. She clung to Kyujin like an attached puppy that never wanted to separate from its owner. It was hard for them to always find time to meet in person, considering they were idols in separate groups with tightly packed comeback schedules, but they’d text on KakoTalk for hours. Kyujin would always gush and find a reason to bring Leeseo up during conversations with her members.
It was endearing to them.
Well, to everyone except Sullyoon.
Was it Kyujin’s imagination, or was Sullyoon ignoring her?
Not in front of cameras, of course, but when the 6 of them were finally given time to breathe.
Kyujin would ask what food the girls felt like ordering, and everyone except Sullyoon would reply. She’d mention that she’s going to the gym, asking if anyone wanted to tag along, and receive silence from Seol Yoon. Of course, these were all minuscule things, something that could easily be brushed off or ignored. Except they continued stacking up for over a month.
Kyujin couldn’t remember the last time Sullyoon spoke to her while there wasn’t a camera shoved in their faces. Even then, she kept the same cool, professional tone with Kyujin at all times. As if she’d transitioned from a member of the group to just a random staff worker overnight. It felt like she was being punished.
But she hadn’t done anything wrong, had she?
Receiving a cold shoulder from Sullyoon pierced holes in Kyujin’s heart. But Leeseo’s warmth was always there to fill them.
“Unnie, are you free tomorrow? Let’s go on a date!” Leeseo’s cheery voice loudly chirped through Kyujin’s phone as soon as she accepted the call. Jiwoo glanced at her curiously; the two were in the middle of learning a choreography challenge to post on Tiktok.
Kyujin shot Jiwoo a slightly apologetic smile before taking her phone off speaker, holding it to her ear. “Leeseo, I’m a bit busy right now.”
“Awww,” Leeseo whined, obvious disappointment seeping into her voice. “Can’t you make a bit of time for me?”
Kyujin was easily swayed. “Fine, fine, just make it quick.”
“Yay!” Leeseo automatically perked up, eliciting a laugh from Kyujin. “Let’s go to Lotte World tomorrow! I even bought the magic passes for us. It’ll be so much fun!”
“You bought tickets? What if I can’t go?”
“I checked your schedule alreadyyyy~” The younger girl erupted into a giggle fit. “Come on Kyujin-unnie, it’s been a while since we got to play around together. Let’s just go in the morning, and you can still have the rest of the day for yourself.”
Kyujin bit down on her bottom lip as she contemplated Leeseo’s offer. It’s not as though she had anything planned for tomorrow that would be more fun than going to an amusement park. Besides, she missed her friend.
“Okay then! Let’s do it.”
Leeseo squealed excitedly. “Really?! Yay!!”
“Yes, but I really have to go now. Text me more details, okay? See you tomorrow!”
“Bye-bye unnie! See you tomorrow!”
After hanging up with Leeseo, Jiwoo finally spoke up. “A date, huh?”
Kyujin rolled her eyes. “She didn’t mean it like that. Leeseo and I are just friends.”
“If you say soooo~” Jiwoo hummed teasingly. “Now let’s get back to filming.”
—
Going to Lotte World with Leeseo was the most fun Kyujin had in months. Arriving in the morning was a smart choice; it wasn’t too crowded, meaning they didn’t have to worry so much about being recognized. Still, they made sure to wear masks and hoodies, just to be on the safe side.
The two girls ran around the park for hours, riding whichever rollercoaster caught their eye, taking pictures inside of the aquarium, and trying different desserts in the food court. It was bliss. For the few hours they were there, they forgot the anxieties that came with being idols.
Maybe a bit too much.
“Wait, you seriously have a crush on—?!“
Kyujin hurriedly covered Leeseo’s mouth, the younger girl whining in protest. They’d finished exploring at the amusement park and were sharing a taxi back to their respective dorms. The driver raised his eyebrows, but chose to ignore the muffled argument coming from the backseat.
“Are you crazy?” Kyujin hissed, retracting her hand.
Leeseo pouted. “I wasn’t going to say a name. I just can’t believe it. Have you told anyone else?”
Kyujin shook her head and dropped it, staring at her shoes. “How can I? Something like that could…” She trailed off, her voice deflating.
“I get what you’re worried about. But if it’s been affecting you this badly, I think you owe it to NM—ahem—your team, to be open about how you feel. Your unnies are nice, I’m sure they’ll help you!” Leeseo grabbed Kyujin’s hand from out of her lap and gave it a tight, reassuring squeeze. “Besides, you’re not the first person to be in a situation like this. Sometimes I think my unnies have something similar going on.”
Kyujin raised her head to meet Leeseo’s gaze. The younger girl stared back, her eyes glistening. Even with the mask on, it was obvious that she was grinning. Kyujin couldn’t help but smile back. “Thank you, Leeseo. You don’t think of me any differently, do you?”
“Of course not! You’re still my best friend. I support you. Fighting!!” Leeseo let go of Kyujin’s hand to raise her fist in the air, shaking it around playfully. Kyujin laughed at her antics.
The driver cleared his throat as he pulled into the parking lot of Kyujin’s dorms. “Alright ladies, one down and one to go.”
Kyujin thanked the driver and unbuckled her seatbelt, getting out of the car. She waved goodbye to Leeseo, telling the younger girl to text her once she arrived home.
“Don’t forget what I said, unnie!” Leeseo urged, giving Kyujin a thumbs up and a playful wink as the other girl closed the door.
Kyujin watched the taxi drive off, still waving goodbye as she bumbled inside the dorms. Her good spirits were nearly instantly extinguished when she entered the living area and saw who was sitting on the couch, feet kicked up as she scrolled aimlessly on her phone.
Sullyoon.
The older girl had yet to notice her; she had on pink headphones and was surfing through random Minecraft videos on Youtube. Kyujin thought about retreating to her dorm room without saying anything, but a figure was behind her as soon as she turned around.
“Ah—Jiwoo-unnie!” She yelped in surprise.
Jiwoo’s face twitched in a mixture of confusion and amusement before smiling. “Did I surprise you?”
Sullyoon took off her headphones and observed the maknae pair. “What’s going on?”
Jiwoo shrugged and moved past Kyujin, setting the bowl of popcorn in her arms down onto the table. She plopped down on the couch next to Sullyoon, who begrudgingly tucked in her legs to make space.
Kyujin swallowed heavily, working up the nerve to greet the woman that’d been ignoring her. “Hey, Sullyoon-unnie. I just got home.”
Sullyoon nodded indifferently. “Where have you been?”
“Ah, don’t you know? She went on a date with Leeseo today! So cute, right?”
The silence that followed Jiwoo’s joke was suffocating.
“…Hah.” Sullyoon turned off her phone and rose from the couch. “I’m going to lay down now.”
“Wait, unnie. I need to talk to you.” Kyujin followed Sullyoon to her dorm, shooting the perplexed Jiwoo a death stare.
I told her it wasn’t a date.
The taller girl attempted to slam the door behind her, but Kyujin caught the handle right before it closed and pushed her way inside. Sullyoon groaned and turned to face Kyujin, her eyes narrowing sharply. “What are you following me for?” She snapped. “I don’t want to talk to you.”
“But why? What did I do to you?”
“Are you seriously playing dumb right now?”
Kyujin crossed her arms defiantly. “If you have a reason for the way you’ve been treating me, now’s the time to say it.”
“Or what?” Sullyoon snarled, her jaw visibly clenching.
Kyujin’s heart was pounding inside of her chest. She studied Sullyoon’s tense face, attempting to peer into her mind. She desperately wanted to know what she’d done wrong. Why was the girl she loved the most acting as if she hated her?
Did she not realize how much she meant to her?
Her silence only encouraged Sullyoon to continue. “Why did you even come in here if you have nothing to say? Or am I just not important enough to talk to anymore? Do you only have words for your girlfriend?” She spat out the last word, and in that moment, it all became clear to Kyujin.
“Wha—girlfr—Leeseo’s not—“ Kyujin began to splutter, her emotions rising high as she connected the dots in her mind. “You were the one ignoring me!” She finally exploded. “All this time, you refused to even acknowledge me! Are you telling me all of this was over Leeseo? She’s just a friend. Why do you even care?!”
Sullyoon’s eyes burned, her throat tightening as she watched the woman in front of her erupt into tears. “How could I not care?” Her voice softened, just slightly.
“You don’t care about me.” Kyujin accused through sobs, frantically wiping away teardrops that wouldn’t stop falling.
Sullyoon’s heart sank. She let out a short laugh that nearly turned into a whimper and she turned her back to Kyujin, not daring to face her anymore. “I care about you. How could you even—”
“You don’t.” Kyujin cut her off. “This entire time, I’ve been hurting myself, trying to hide how I feel. I did it for the group, and for you. I made a new friend to stop thinking about you. What did you do? You cut me out of your life. I exist to you only on camera now. You don’t talk to me. You barely even look at me. It’s like I’m disgusting to you. Is it so disgusting that I’m in love with you?”
Sullyoon whipped around and all of her defenses came crashing down. She grabbed Kyujin’s beautiful tearstricken face and pulled the smaller girl closer, leaning down until their faces were mere inches apart. Her eyebrows furrowed when she realized what she was doing.
But she didn’t want to stop.
She hesitantly closed the gap between them, their noses brushing against each other softly at first, until Sullyoon decided she needed more. Her lips met Kyujin’s with undeniable force.
Kyujin shuddered at the sudden contact. Tears were still actively flowing down her face, mixing in with the kiss; the saltiness from her eyes interfering with the subtle strawberry flavor from Sullyoon’s lipstick. Her eyes fluttered shut as she accepted the kiss, wrapping her arms around Sullyoon’s neck to bring her closer. The room was silent—save for the sounds of the girls’ intermixed breathing.
Finally, after what felt like hours, Sullyoon reluctantly pulled away to catch her breath. She swallowed heavily while panting, gazing into Kyujin’s moonstruck eyes. “There’s nothing disgusting about this,” She breathed quietly.
Kyujin studied the girl in front of her, her lips still pursed as if she hadn’t wanted the kiss to end. “Unnie—” Her voice hitched, a hiccup born from her breakdown, “—we can’t…I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to say those things earlier. I was just emotional. But we’re idols.”
Sullyoon smiled sadly, using her thumbs to wipe away the last of Kyujin’s tears. “I know. But I tried to ignore what I felt for you already. I’m sure you tried it, too. It hurts even more, doesn’t it?”
Kyujin nodded. “It does.”
“Then let’s not do it again. From now on, I’ll listen to what my heart wants to do.”
“What does your heart want to do?”
“It wants to be with NMIXX, and to be with you.”
Finally, the two girls’ troubled hearts met as one. Though they were both still afraid of being the cause of a scandal that’d cut their careers short, they were willing to take that risk if it meant being with each other.