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it was just a routine at this point. every visit to a new city, there was a moment when everyone had stepped away from the circus for research. jester was immersed with the culture, yet his approach was one of caution. every second, every minute, he watched with a watchful gaze of those that analysed and concisely decide what to do next. the simple conversations with these wretched humans who just always stray from the main topic. it was truly aggravating with how little knowledge that one had for their own city. though he had kept an eye on particularly one person. you. you, who followed orders while also taking it upon yourself to do what truly felt right to you. you didn’t disobey nor did you cause much trouble that would warrant attraction to the masses whatsoever. the issue with you was that you were kind. too kind in a world that would simply crush it with a tight fist.
and now, you were doing something so unnecessary once more. your hard earned money. you were giving it away to some guy whose scent encroached the air with the scent of strong alcohol and tobacco. ah. humans and their addictions. it was truly fascinating to see one fall into temptation of indulgences that would help those to cope. before it becomes a crutch. slowly descending from a want to a need to consume it. creating a cycle that would repeat itself over and over again. though he would commend those who do manage to break out the monotonous cycle of addiction. often times, those would relapse. a fifty percent chance.
his violet eyes watched your movements, how you carelessly and mindlessly throw money into the winds. watching as you smile, how you actively spoke to the man who held a paper cup filled with loose change from earlier begging. dressed in drab. a stubble and a practiced weary eye. he noted how the man was shivering, an act. but seeing how you were just being… you. it irked him. an annoyance he believed was unnecessary to truly dwell on. why should it matter if you were willing to waste your hard earned money for something so utterly useless? why was he annoyed by something that you continue to show over and over again without even stopping? he continued to watch from the corner of his eye while maintaining a conversation with the strange in front of him. catching words such as ❛ shelter ❜ to ❛ homeless ❜ from the lips of the man whose life was possibly overrun by nothing but alcohol and nicotine. another sob story no doubt. a story to tug the heart strings in hopes to get some impressionable person to offer them more money.
it was predictable. humans would spin a story to garner sympathy from fellow humans. not to see that it was a point of manipulation. he knew it so well that he had seen it over and over again in his long lifespan. that no matter how many times you have seen it happen; it never tires him. it could a heart wrenching story of a parent trying their best to offer their offsprings a better life. or it could be a story of a person who swindles an unexpected person. it was… pathetic. to beg for scraps like some rodent beneath his shoe. humans were just so predictable as they were evil and cruel. they treat kindness as a transaction. a ❛ you scratch my back, i will scratch yours. ❜. selfish. vile beings that couldn’t even climb the mountainous terrain of life, needing to supported on the backs of others while not offering the same back. pitiful.
it wasn’t long until both of them met up to return back to the circus. ❝ that was quite a foolish display of charity ❞ his voice rang out while their footsteps were light on the pavement. though you looked confused at what he was describing as foolish. ❝ with that man? his stench was quite revolting. like a desperate little mouse waiting for a crumb to drop ❞ his words was harsh. but he did not lie. he did not need to. he simply could omit something else while speaking his truths and his belief. he could see how you peered up at him. ❝ it is my money ❞ it was those words that made him scoff. ❝ it is. but to give it away so carelessly, you don’t even know when your short lived life will swallow you from below ❞ he rolled his eyes as he didn’t even know why this bothered him so much. to seeing you give money so willingly to those who would turn around and use that money to whatever indulgences that got them deep in this hellscape of life.
there was a silence between the both of them. like you were trying to think of the right words to say. ❝ in a world where you can be anything you want, i believe that it is good to be kind ❞ you answered to him. he frowned at such a preposterous notion. ❝ even to the people who want to provoke a reaction from you ❞ you added. like it was some checkmate. he couldn’t help but hum. but not a hum of agreement. but a hum to see how you lacked tact. ❝ then why are you being so kind to even those who uses you? people who are remarkably shallow and inconsiderate of others while showing an obnoxious display of greed? ❞ he asked, waiting for you to fumble. waiting for you to stray from your set in stone morals that was tiring to listen. kind people would break. it was a matter of how long would it take to dismantle it bit by bit. how long until they would abandon them.
❝ because in a world such as this, kindness can truly go a long way. even when people snap at me or hurl insults, it's good to show that in this vast world, there is still kind people out there ❞ you whispered. only to receive a scoff from the purple jester. ❝ imprudent. that is what you are. you rather be pushed around so you can, what? push your ideals and beliefs on others? ❞ he asked. ❝ no. but it says a lot about a person. those who treat others bad, rudely or even downright horrid… it shows immaturity. it reveals who they are as a person than who you are ❞ you answered back fast. he paused as he looked at you with a frown. ❝ pain and trauma change people. in the end, it depends on who you become after what you went through ❞ your words hit him. however, he stood head strong while he listened to your whimsical thoughts.
❝ trauma explains but does not excuse harmful, abusive… rude behaviour to others ❞ you let out a soft ❛ hmph ❜ as you walked towards the direction. but you had stopped a bit. turning around to look at him. ❝ it is also good to be kind with yourself. even with what you went through. you do not deserve criticism after what you went through. you deserve kindness and self respect ❞ you spoke as you turned around and walked ahead. leaving the tall man, standing there. watching as you walked ahead of him. a frown adorned his white porcelain features of his mask. he wasn’t rendered speechless. no. he was just simmering with an annoyance that you were as stubborn as a mule. that you didn’t understand that a world like this wouldn’t reward kindness. that you were simply throwing money away like it was nothing. why couldn’t you see that he was doing this to teach you a lesson.
❝ tolo ❞ he muttered under his breath. he quietly followed after you. his long strides swallowed the distance between the both of you before he caught up. but this time, he didn’t say anything. even if what you said was wishful thinking. that you were too naive for this world. ridiculous even. in a world that would take that kindness for granted and he couldn’t have that when you were now one of his own. even if he would never outwardly admit it to you. but he knew. you were too stubborn. you would never see it. that bad people simply did not need kindness. that people did not deserve kindness. because in the end, humans were innately disgustingly cruel.
and you… were too pure.
or…
was it simply an act?
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once again, you were being foolish. it’s been years together and you were still the same. that kind naive one who did unnecessary things. the many times he had tried to break you down. too many that he would need a few more sets of hands to count. instead, you had continued to build yourself with a resolve that had his blood bubbling. no matter how many times he tore you down. how you would bounce back with so much vigour that his efforts were just meaningless. it was aggravating. truly and utterly. you continued to have such a happy disposition that made him exasperated. even when everyone was disguised amongst humans. it did not simply stopped at humans. you were also kind to his brethren. it could simply from a small trinket that reminded you of either of them. a kitchen knife for pierrot when you noticed a warped blade and loose rivets. or a sleek fountain pen that you believed ticket taker would appreciate. he remembered how his dear friend had graciously thanked you for keeping him in your thoughts.
even now, watching those plain cellophane bags filled with simple essentials. sachets of coffee and tea. mints. chocolates. face masks that cost a pretty penny. pulling down his hood to hide his features. they were boarding a plane due to alternate routes being compromised. you, being your little insufferable self, had a huge smile as you passed the bag containing these small gifts to the flight attendants. why do you keep doing this? give out yourself so easily and willingly. it was maddening that you handed out trust so easily. that you would be willing to entrust your life to some random man’s words and promises, putting the blame on yourself for the results to how you became… dragging those with you because of your stupidity that had put you where you were at.
wait no. that is not what had happened.
he shook his head. that was a memory he should not dwell on. even so, it was a quick hand off. the flight attendants seem to light up seeing small gifts. but you were quick to smile and tell your seat number when they had asked for it. quick while you paced towards your seat. alongside him. they had chosen to sit in business class, primarily for extra leg room for them all. he chose not to say anything for the time being. he just spent his time in his seat, reading but he did watch from the corner of his eye. watching as you relaxed against the comfortable seat. watching you look around and admire the area. before it was not long before some flight attendants approached you. expressing their gratitude to your heartfelt gifts. he watched through a half lidded gaze. wondering if you enjoyed the idea of someone being indebted to you.
❛ humans. vile creatures. every single one of them. ❜ it was a mantra drilled into him with both of his hands. honed by years of bitter experience with them. you cannot be any different, right? but each time, you prove you were different. he simply watched silently. taking in what he was seeing. how you were being thanked and given extra treats. was this the outcome you wanted? was your kindness some kind of transaction. something to dangle over someone’s head to ask for something back? but he couldn’t read you. no matter how many times he believed he was able to uncover a side of yourself. he simply couldn’t admit that you were genuinely kind. that you didn’t have some hidden agenda. kindness was a transaction. that if anyone for a matter of a fact were to give something, there was always expecting something in return. no one was kind for an inherent reason.
but seeing you smiling so brightly. how you graciously accepted the small gifts or trinkets the humans gave you. how you just held that toilette bag like it was treasure. something so small and pointless. but somehow you seem to feel a sense of joy. even an extra glass of juice or an extra piece of dessert. how you simply naturally spoke with those that passed by like it was your natural charisma. he felt this heavy set in his chest. he frowned. while he kept his nose in his book. though he couldn’t contain himself. he had to make a comment. to the whys that you continue to do this. that you can offer all this so willingly. even when you can have it all for yourself.
❝ is this why you brought those gifts? ❞ he asked. which jolted you from your seat, turning to look at him. ❝ no? ❞ you tilted your head slightly. ❝ then why? ❞ he asked. wanting to know what was it that went through your little head that you would give yourself so easily. ❝ because i like seeing people happy ❞ you answered with a conviction. like that was the only reason someone would do what you were doing. that you were still kind in a world that has shown you nothing but strife. ❝ i like it when i give gifts or notes. because i get to see that one simple thing like a compliment or gift can brighten someone’s day ❞ you smiled warmly as you looked at him. ❝ doesn’t it warm your heart to see someone smile? to see someone happy? that they would think that, oh, someone thought about me ❞ he continued to elaborate. your hands moved and waved to express. his lips quirked a bit, seeing that little action of yours.
❝ it warms my heart to see what i can get from that kindness ❞ he answered. and it was true. though watching you scrunched your nose at him. that you were not happy with his answer. what an expressive expression. that had his gaze linger at the many emotions that went through your face. ❝ kindness is not a transaction. it isn’t a strategy. you are simply doing business than being kind ❞ you answered. ❝ i am not keeping a list of good deeds. i just give freely because i want to ❞ you answered with this huff in your chest. while jester tapped his fingers along the plastic trays. watching as humans passed by. like a cycle of time ticking. ❝ you are ridiculous ❞ he muttered. which made you pout. possibly believing that he was just talking down on you once again.
❝ you are ridiculous ❞ you mumbled under your breath. as you turned away. yet his eyes never left your figure.
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you were tired. he could see it. you had asked him to go on a walk with you. and he couldn’t help but watch your weary form as you took each step ahead. this was nauseating to him. he watched as you continued with your kindness. giving birds bread. helping strangers with directions. even when you were tired, you continued to be yourself. its been years now and in every turn and corner, you had remain the same. even when there were moments you would cry. moments where there were people who insult you, throw things at you simply because you were apart of the circus… you continued to be kind. he would never get the message to why you continue to be like this. when the world has given you time and time again that people were not to be trusted. that people were simply evil. that people were undeserving your kindness.
but you continued to walk forward. though he noted that you were getting tired. so both of you found a bench. secluded and far from everywhere. he had noticed. he was not blind. he had understood the passing of time. the others like pierrot had shown concern over you. you continued to power through a smile. facing all the trials and tribulations they met on their long travels. never stooping low or fighting. even so, he had understood that your kindness had boundaries. it took awhile to understand that. it took quite awhile to even understand you. but even years had passed, he couldn’t simply change who he was. the walls he had built.
❝ jester. ❞ your soft voice rang alongside nature. like you were simply one with it. ❝ over these years, you question and doubt my kindness ❞ you whispered as he looked over at you who stared off to the distance. ❝ sometimes in life, you just have to grow ❞ you smiled, your fingers trailed along knuckles. ❝ you have been quite critic that had made myself remind me of myself when i was younger. though… the harshest critic in your life would always be yourself ❞ and jester sat there, not wanting to interrupt. ❝ but hearing you, seeing you attempts to put me down and steer me away… you gave me a purpose… a sense of agency and control over my life ❞ you leaned against the chair. ❝ you are kind, jester. but not to others you deemed unfit in your bubble. but you still know of kindness. you just haven’t given yourself some grace. because you believe one slip would break down the walls you built… you need to be kinder to yourself ❞
jester was silent as he looked ahead. some grace. he felt like he didn’t need time for himself. he need to continuously build. to build from the deep shame and self criticism of himself. ❝ grace ❞ he whispered as he didn’t know if he should be given even a moment to show emotions. he was the strong leader of the circus. there was those that believed he could do no wrong that he was just doing what was best for the circus. but here you were, telling him that he should be kinder to himself. for what? what could it give… what would that do to help.
❝ if only it was simple ❞ he muttered, a small fracture. a fracture he would patch up by himself. ❝ it isn’t necessary to maintain high standards… it is okay to fail. to take that leap. and… ❞ you paused as you looked at him. he could see how weak and vulnerable you were at the moment. ❝ and you are not being selfish to give yourself some grace, to be kind to yourself ❞ you reached to his hand. placing it on his. he wanted to pull away. but he had stopped himself a split second. he looked at your hand before back up at you who continued to hold your heart tightly. that you wanted to be remembered even through your little acts. ❝ even with your words, you never stopped me. you were sincerely kind to me in a way that only you can show… but find a time and place to finally forgive yourself with all the guilt and shame and blame ❞
over the years, he had seen how you were. how you lived your life out in the light than behind the shadows. from your acts of kindness, it was simply just you. you weren’t scared, or maybe you were to stand up to people. but you still did it. you stood by what you believed in without straying from it. you stood tall and proud. never faltering from it. you speak that you would never be fully right. but… what fixed objects are without its flaws. you were healed with scars that was inscribed in your soul and skin. but you speak that it was a reminder of how much you had endured. how much you can see that you have grown from. and that was admirable… for a lack of words. he envied how you easily can move on, even if it meant to drag your legs through traps that tried too drag you back to what was before. but you continued to move. taking breaks for yourself, doing what you want and enjoyed simply because you wanted to.
there was just a silence between the two. your hand had never left his. as both of you sat there, allowing the breeze to wisp their hair. the air was fresh and crisp to breathe in. ❝ i love you, jester ❞ you finally bit out. he tensed up when he heard those words. two breaths. as he opened his mouth, to say it back. but the words didn’t seem to form. ❝ i really do love you ❞ you continued on. while he just sat there, trying.
by the time, two breaths had become one.
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his steps were quiet. his fingers trailed along the walls of the trailer. like memorising the simple path towards the room that you had occupied. as he entered the room in the simple trailer. he was silent. his gaze swept across the small room. his fingers found the switch. click. the switch was flipped. before he had stopped upon one thing. he walked towards the bed and sat at the edge. his gloved hand placed upon the fabric of the bedsheets. the faint scent of your perfume lingered in the air. seeking for that warmth, that brightness that blinded him and irritated him to no end. his usual smile was nowhere to be seen. his violet eyes turned away from the bed, looking at your belongings that remained scattered across the small abode. small trinkets. some gifts here and there. books that you must have stolen from his room to read, from how many bookmarks was peeking out between of the pages.
❝ you little thief ❞ he whispered as he pulled his hand back. grasping them together as he could feel the beat of his heart in his chest. it felt out of sync. like he didn’t understand it. ❛ what a fickle heart ❜ he mused silently. yet it was in a way… solemn. his gaze returned to the ground while he tried to formulate a thought. words for you. the jester. the one who had never been rendered speechless. the one who can precisely handle any situation with grace and ease. the one who was respected by his brethren to be appointed leader amongst them. but right now. he felt this empty hollow ache in his chest. like his own heart was betraying him. it was in this total silence, completely alone, he allowed himself grieve. to mourn the human that seemed to plague his life with this kindness nonsense. this light that blinded him even throughout the ages.
❝ estou com saudades ❞ he hung his head low. a sign of weakness. a sign of vulnerability. oh how low had he fallen. to the you who he had fallen for. the you who would light the room with a smile. the you that he realised too late that he loved. or did he always know all along? ❝ que saudade de você ❞ his hand smoothed over the soft dip of the bed. trying to reminisce about the weight, the way you favoured one way of sleeping. how your hair would be a mess by the mornings. trying to think back your kindness that he had always dismissed. even though it was everywhere now. like you left evidence that you were there. etched in his heart and in the walls of the trailer. like some leech… no. it was like you wanted to leave a mark that you existed. that you were there. that you existed amongst these walls, amongst them with your kindness that was like a beacon in the darkest of depths.
you were everywhere. the trinkets from places they visit. to the hobbies that was a physical representation of what you were, what you enjoyed. his hands reached to one of his book, that he didn’t remember lending. he slowly flipped through the pages of familiar words. he scoffed at the notes scribbled on transparent post notes. your little thoughts. your musings that was full of ramblings. his eyes scanned the pages. at your handwriting scrawled across the pieces of paper. connotations. sprinkled with what you were thinking at each line from the book. as he flipped to the last page, he felt like a rage flare up before it subsided. his claws traced the indent of the pen upon the last page. it was an empty page. possibly a useless page that the publisher left for some nonsensical reason.
❛ i was here ❜
oh how human you were to the end. leaving reminders. memories amongst the corners of his sanctuary amongst his family. a scream in the void that you were here. that you existed here. that fundamental desire that you made a difference even if it was so minuscule. so little. to find your purpose in the grand scale of things amongst billions of humans. so you chose one thing. to be kind. to be kind to everyone. to be kind to yourself. and now you had truly sway him. even if it was just a nudge that got him to step on the line. not over it. but directly on the line. a line that he had never truly crossed because it went against his fundamentals. against the life he had already lived. the past that he witnessed alongside his family. that would oppose the narrative that he had already spun about humans, those little monsters.
he allowed one single tear to cascade down his pale cheek. an acknowledgment of your words. that he was deserving of some leeway— a bit of kindness. he closed his eyes as he wished that he could simply turn back. and stop with his own stubbornness, to admit what he already knew back then before he buried those feelings six feet deep because his beliefs. that love was a thorn in his side. a chaotic emotion that would have swallowed him whole. strip him of any reason or thought. but now… you were gone. and you were never coming back. ❝ a falta que você faz revela seu tamanho na minha vida ❞ he stood up. looking forlorn. distant. closing his eyes. breathe in. breathe out. take deep breaths. before he repaired the crack in his mask. back straight, his face one with neutrality. while he had walked out. pausing at the door. his hand on the switch, he turned back once more. looking at the picture that remained at the night stand like a ghost that will haunt him even if he were to forget your face. an image of everyone because you wanted one. wanted one with everyone.
an image of everyone in casual clothing. pierrot and harlequin, even in the image, seem to radiate annoyance with one another in the still picture. yet, there was an air that showed how they set their differences aside to allow you to have this one picture. ticket taker looking prestigious and organised like he always was. he always had that air that commanded respect. he was perfect for his second in command. then there was the doctor. just as stiff as a board. he usually never went out of bounds of the circus unless it was a festival of masks and costumes. then he would have gladly roamed the streets at night. you must have convinced him quite a lot to get him to come out. then there was him. he questioned what he was thinking, what was going through his mind when this picture was being taken. he could see how there was a small bit of slope of his shoulders, showing he was relaxed. his smile seemed… less sharp. less performative. and lastly, there was you. your smile, how your eyes crinkled. how your body language screamed that you felt safe with them. safe… safe with him. safe with everyone.
❝ eu te amo ❞ he spoke. finally saying the words he couldn’t return. like your presence still remained amongst your belongings. like a ghost that would haunt him. he flipped the switch, allowing the room to be consumed in total darkness. ❝ adeus. até nos encomtrarmos de novo ❞ and the door was closed. to memories he wished that he had done something. it was a matter of too little, too late.