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It had already been a long shift.
Loosing Louie
The cyber attack
And now he’d lost his badge.
Robby gave him that badge, he said he was proud, said he earned it. Someone telling Whitaker that was one thing, but Robby saying that ment a whole lot more.
He had to find it.
He searched every nook and cranny, he searched under every gurney, every bed, every desk. He was re-tracing his steps over and over again and he still couldn’t find it.
Whitaker knew he could just place an order for a new one, but Robby gave it to him. It ment something to him. His first doctor badge. And it’s gone.
He didn’t necessarily believe in good karma but he could really use some, so he ordered a lift for an elderly woman hoping he’d get gifted with good karma and finally find his badge.
But instead it seemed to be to opposite.
Being charged 250 for racist comments that weren’t even from him wasn’t what he considered good karma.
And he still hadn’t found his badge.
”When did you last have it?”
”With Ogilvie in the ambulance bay.”
“Not with Colonel mustard in the library?” Santos had that smirk on her face, the one where you just know she’s taking the piss.
”Who-What?”
Whitaker didn’t pry at whatever she ment. He just headed straight the ambulance bay, feeling stupid for not checking before.
He rounded the corner to where he and Ogilvie were sitting not to long before.
The image of Ogilvie crying still carved into his mind. He reminded Whitaker too much of himself.
He remembered his first day at the PTMC, he remembered what it felt like to loose a patient that you feel like you could’ve prevented. Whitaker lived with that guilt everyday since. Even after everyone told him it wasn’t his fault, he couldn’t shake the feeling that it was.
Surprise surprise, his badge wasn’t there. He’d kinda given up at this point, he’d searched everywhere.
Whitaker let out a sigh of frustration and lent on the wall, right where him and Ogilvie had been sitting. He pressed his head into his hands, trying to think about where he could’ve lost it.
God, he couldn’t tell Robby. Whitaker saw how on edge and snappy he’d been today, so to tell him that he’d lost the badge that he’d given him would be a terrible-
“Whitaker?”
Shit. He knew that voice, he knew it because he’d usually be thrilled to hear it, but now he’s not.
It was Robby.
Whitakers head shot out from his hands and he made direct eye contact with him. There was no getting out of this.
”Oh-Dr Robby!” He immediately pushed himself off the wall and stood with straight posture. He didn’t want Robby to ask any questions so he quickly shot them down before they even came.
”Sorry about your bike. I was there when they got hit- i tried to pick it up but then there was a patient and I didn’t have time-“
“It’s fine” Robby crossed his arms and glanced back towards his bike.
”You’re not… upset?”
”The damage is done now isn’t it, plus you didn’t do it so there’s no point in getting upset is there.”
”Right- yeah, of course.” He awkwardly laughed hoping he could easily slip away before he asks why he’s out here. He really didn’t want to tell him he’d lost his badge, the disappointment would be too much.
“Are you alright Whitaker?” The low rumble sent shivers down his spine, he knew why but he didn’t want to accept it.
”Er-Yeah, yeah! Why wouldn’t I be?” Whitaker answered a bit too quickly.
”Well I did find you hiding with your head in your hands… you also seem jumpy.”
”I’m not hiding, I was just looking for- um I was just getting some fresh air. It’s really stuffy in there and it was making feel a bit off.” He just rambled, not really thinking about what he was saying.
”Look I know we’re under staffed and there’s loads of charting to do but..” Robby took a step closer, lowering his voice just slightly “If you’re feeling unwell, you can go home. I’ll cover for you.”
“Oh no don’t worry! The fresh air really helped. I can carry on working.”
”Ok. But just take it easy, I still need you alive by the time you clock out.” Robby chuckled followed by Whitaker also laughing.
“Um- well I should get back, don’t want to be here any longer than I have to be.” He slid past him, trying to do it as quickly as he could.
”Whitaker.”
He stopped in his tracks, Robby sounded serious. Did he notice that he didn’t have his badge? He pivoted on his heels to face Robby again.
”Don’t be too hard on yourself. I won’t be here to make sure that you take care of yourself, so don’t push, ok?.”
There it was again. Whitaker noticed it in the break room, “if I come back”. Robby was acting like he won’t come back after his sabbatical.
“It’s only 3 months and then you’ll be back. I’m sure I’ll be fine.. don’t worry”
Whitaker saw the hesitation in his face after he said that, he felt the tone shift. He knew something was wrong but he couldn’t quite figure out what it was.
”Where’s your badge?”
Fuck. He shouldn’t have stayed for so long, he knew it would come back to bite him.
”Sorry?” His response was slow, but it was only so he could have time to come up with a lie.
”Your new doctors badge. The one I gave you in the break room. Where is it? You’re not wearing it.”
The ‘sorry’ in fact didn’t give him enough time to think, so he decided to act like he hadn’t noticed.
”Oh, I didn’t even notice. Haha… must’ve fallen off inside or something..” God he’s bad at lying, he just feels guilty every time he does.
”Were you out here looking for it?”
”….yeah”
Robby’s eyebrows furrowed “why’d you lie?”
”I just… didn’t want you to be upset or… I don’t know, disappointed or something. Sorry..”
”It’s a badge. Why would I be upset or disappointed?”
Whitaker paused, he knew it was stupid. But he thought back to when anything he did was never good enough for his parents, particularly his dad. He was always disappointed in him, never gave him a chance. Any small mistake he’d make, he’d be looked down upon. It was unbearable, especially once his dad finally snapped.
Robby let out a long sigh “look, we’ll get you another one if you can’t find it by the time you clock out. When was the last time you remember having it?”
“Out here with Ogilvie…” It wasn’t a whisper but it was close to being one
“And it’s not here?”
Whitaker shook his head
”Where else have you checked?”
”Everywhere! Like genuinely everywhere. I’ve re-traced my steps like a quadrillion times, and I still can’t find it.”
“Maybe someone took it.”
He paused. He hadn’t thought of that, maybe someone did take it. But why? What would a patient need his badge for?
”I didn’t… think of that.”
”You always try to see the best in people so I’m not surprised.”
“Right, sorry.”
”Nothing to be sorry for. Do one more search around and if you still can’t find it, come to me and I’ll order you another and also disable the other. So don’t worry.”
”Thank you Dr Robby.”
”No problem.”
Robby walked up closer to Whitaker placing a hand on his shoulder- something he hadn’t done all day.
”Come on, let’s get back. I want you out as early as possible, so you can take care of my house properly.”
They both laughed while walking back into the PTMC through the ambulance bay doors.
Once Whitaker split from Robby, he did another sweep of the ER for his badge. And again he couldn’t find it. He thought maybe it could’ve been kicked around by paramedics, nurses or doctors who had been running around. Maybe even a gurney hit it. It’d been so chaotic today that he wouldn’t even be surprised if it had been kicked about and ended up in triage or something.
so he went to triage to look for it.
He knew it most probably wasn’t there, but it doesn’t hurt to check. So he checked under every gurney, every bed, every chair, every desk. And still nothing.
Maybe someone did take it.
On his way back to Robby he passes the waiting area. Couldn’t hurt to check. Maybe it was somehow got kicked or brought into there. So he checked. It was harder this time, he had to check through sweaty, angry and bloody people. But after a good while of looking he couldn’t find it.
Just as he turned towards the door heading back into triage, he heard a sickening thud.
It was distant but loud enough for him to hear over all the chatting.
It made people go quiet.
Screams and the sound of screeching tires followed.
Whitaker shot a look to Lupe who looked just as concerned as he was feeling.
He quickly shoved past all the nosy people who’d stood up to see what was going on. He knew that he’d lied about feeling unwell earlier, but it was staring to become the truth.
Whitakers stomach twisted, he couldn’t shake this bad feeling weighing down on him.
As soon as he got past the crowd, he sprinted out.
If you could die from fear, Whitaker would be dead.
He finally found his badge.
It was covered in blood that wasn’t his or a patient he tended to that day.
It was the blood of the man who laid right next to it. Bleeding out like there’s no tomorrow.
Ogilvie.
Whitaker scrambled to the nearest bush and just threw up. His stomach couldn’t take the sight of his friend bleeding.
Once he’d gathered himself together, he rushed over to Ogilvies side. Although Whitaker wasn’t the injured one, his head was aching, his ears were ringing, he couldn’t breathe properly, he had chest pain.
He felt his knees become soaked with blood as he knelt down next to him. Whitaker went to take his pulse when he notice how violently his hands were shaking.
People were speaking to him but he couldn’t hear them. All the sounds merged into one. He was so disoriented that he didn’t realise when he was being pulled back by someone.
Nothing felt real. It was like a dream. Or a nightmare.
It brought him back to when his father would hit him for the smallest mistakes. It wouldn’t feel real, it would feel like a dream. But only because he didn’t want to accept that it was real, he didn’t want to accept that his father did that to him.
Whitaker was ripped back into reality by two snapping fingers in front of his face. He hadn’t known when, but at some point he’d started crying.
He looked at the man in front of him. He barely recognised him through his hazy thoughts. But it was Robby.
He was saying something but he still couldn’t hear him.
He felt his hands still shaking so he looked down towards them only to be met by his blood covered badge.
The one thing that gave Olgilvie access to the roof.
His badge.
It made him sick to think that maybe if he’d noticed earlier this could’ve been prevented.
Maybe If he gave him better advice in the ambulance bay this could’ve been prevented
Maybe if he wasn’t so oblivious this could’ve been prevented
He looked up towards where Ogilvie had laid.
He wasn’t there.
All that remains was a pool of his blood.
An arm linked underneath Whitakers pulling him up.
His knees buckled, but before he hit the floor someone caught him. Whitaker knew from just the touch that it was Robby.
Robby slid his arm under Whitakers and then around his waist to help him stand. He’d grabbed Whitakers hand which was around his shoulder with his other hand.
He slowly guided Whitaker back inside, making sure his knees wouldn’t buckle again.
Walking through the PTMC was hell.
By now everyone heard or seen what had happened, so they were all shooting concerned looks towards Whitaker. He was covered in blood that wasn’t his. He couldn’t stand on his own without his knees breaking beneath him.
He was helpless.
Eventually they made it to the break room.
Robby sat Whitaker down in a chair and poured him a cup of water. He then sat in the chair parallel to Whitaker and leaned forward.
He didn’t say anything, he just let Whitaker gather himself together in his own time.
The silence was long but needed.
”It’s my fault.”
”No it’s not.”
”He used my badge to get access to the roof and jump. It’s my fault.”
”How were you supposed to know that Whitaker?”
”I should’ve.”
”No. How would you-“
”I was the last person he spoke to.”
”It’s not your fault.”
”I could’ve stopped him-“ Whitaker broke off into a sob.
”They’re working on him right now… he’s in the best hands.”
”Any fall over 60 feet is most likely to lead to death. The building is at least 70 feet, maybe even more.”
”Like I said, he’s in the best hands.”
Another silence fell between them.
”I don’t know what I’m going to do if he dies, Robby. Seriously I can barely live with Bennett Milton’s death.”
”He’s not going to die Whitaker. He’s not.”
”You don’t know that.”
Robby sighed and leaned back in his chair. He took a moment to take in Whitaker state.
”I think I might stay home for my sabbatical. I mean my bikes kinda busted as well.” His attempt to change the subject didn’t work, he could still see Whitaker spiralling. As much as it killed him to know that a med student is fighting for his life down the hall, he had to stay together.
“I’ll just go with santos-“
”No.”
Whitaker looked up at Robby confused. He remembers how earlier that day they were sitting in these exact seats taking about house sitting. And now they were hoping that Ogilvie would pull through.
”I want you to stay with me.”
Whitaker didn’t respond straight away, he didn’t know how too.
”of course you don’t have to if you don’t want to-“
”I do.”
It came out before Whitaker could even think. He knew he shouldn’t but he felt like he should. He wanted too.
A smile slowly grew on Robby’s face.
As much as Whitaker wanted to smile he couldn’t, and Robby noticed this.
He wanted to hug him. He knew he shouldn’t….. But he ended up doing it anyway.