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San had developed a new habit, although perhaps it would be more appropriate to call it a coping mechanism. When the stress accumulated in his body, and every movement had his muscles screaming in pain, he would open his computer and turn on the same show, one he knew would make the weight on his shoulders lessen just enough to let him breathe comfortably. This was not a problem in and of itself; arguably, most people would admit to having a similar coping mechanism. The small but significant detail that made him hide his little habit from the rest of his members was not that he needed to watch a show to feel better, but rather the fact that his comfort show was their ATEEZ+ dating series. In San’s mind, the embarrassment of watching orchestrated videos of yourself overshadowed the justification that he was just rewatching videos of himself and his friends having fun to bring back the light on gloomy days. Renting out Lotte World had been a significant milestone for him, and the ability to revisit that moment whenever he felt under the weather was priceless.
It truly had started very innocently, just a single episode from time to time when he wanted to reminisce. But with award season creeping up on them, and the gruelling hours of practice both he and his members were putting in every day, it was rare to hear anyone be happy, to hear his chosen family just enjoy themselves. So instead, he plugged in his headphones and let the videos play, letting the playful laughter ring in his ears until it drove the tinnitus away.
Now he found himself melting into the couch of a dressing room, makeup still wet on his face as the makeup artists rushed from one member to the next, leaving the final steps entirely up to the stale air in the room. He allowed himself a small twitch of the lip as Yeosang and Jongho made a courageous attempt at catching fish in his earphones, before letting his head fall on the backrest of the couch.
Right as he was about to close his eyes, however, someone landed harshly onto the seat next to him, rattling the entire length of the couch. He turned his head to follow the movement, eyes landing on a seemingly very caffeinated Wooyoung staring at him with curious eyes. San pulled one of his headphones out, too tired to deal with any kind of energy.
“What’s got you smiling like that?” Wooyoung asked, eyes full of mischief.
San groaned at the question, barely remembering his embarrassment through the exhaustion, “None of your business.”
Wooyoung’s eyebrows raised in surprise at that, “You hiding something from me?!” he asked incredulously, “Who are you and what have you done to the Sannie I know?”
Before San could even reply, Wooyoung snatched his phone away, eyes growing wide as he saw the video playing, “San-ah, what?”
Sighing, San turned away slightly before answering tiredly, “It’s nice to revisit happy memories.”
The concern on Wooyoung’s face gave way to playfulness as he tried to cheer San up, “So you’re watching this for Sangie?” he asked, wiggling his eyebrows.
“What, no.” San grumbled, “I watch this for all of us. Actually, if anything, I watch this for Seonghwa hyung, considering he was my date.”
Wooyoung laughed at that, “Technically, he was your date. But if I were him and my date was talking about someone else half of the time, I would’ve just told them to change date partner.”
San pouted, annoyed, “What do you know, Seonghwa hyung and I had lots of fun.”
“Ooooooooh”, Wooyung drawled as he teased San, “Then ask him, mister.”
San huffed out a few complaints, provoked but feeling a bit better as Wooyoung giggled maniacally next to him.
Feeling eyes on him from across the room, San looked up, meeting Seonghwa’s gaze through the mirror. He offered a small smile as Seonghwa tilted his head in confusion. Even if Wooyoung was wrong and just being annoying, he could still ask Seonghwa about their date just in case.
Three days had passed, and San could not get Wooyoung’s words out of his head.
San sighed as he leaned back into his chair, the monitor on his desk shining a bright light on his face. Open in front of him was the first episode of the show. Rolling his shoulders back, he steeled himself as he moved the mouse to press play, skipping over the first half hour of the episode to reach the start of his and Seonghwa’s date. More concentrated than before, he sat still, paying attention to words he usually treated as background noise.
Even now, through the worry, San let himself sink into the cadence of Seonghwa’s voice, smiling when they laughed and talked together. He could vaguely see what Wooyoung had been referring to: maybe his teasing of Yeosang throughout the episode and the way he played up the hard-to-get attitude he adopted with Seonghwa could be seen as bad ‘date’ behaviour. But he also knew that Seonghwa could tell it was a joke; he would never do all that while knowing it would hurt him.
The truth was San cared a lot about Seonghwa. It was no secret. He felt very comfortable showing affection to all of his members, and his oldest hyung was no exception to that rule. But in this moment, his eyes trained on his computer screen and a smile resting easily on his lips, San wondered if perhaps he had been a bit oblivious to the true nature of that care. His own words replayed in his head as he put the pieces together, “We live together, we’re always together, and now we film content together too. Should we just get married?” Confident, Seonghwa’s voice replied, “Let’s do it” and San found himself thinking that a future in which they did seemed like one he would want to treasure.
A high-pitched chime interrupted San’s thoughts as his phone lit up next to him. Lifting it to his face to see the notification he read out Mingi’s message on their apartment group chat:
“guysss!!!!! heading back from the studio rn, hongjoong hyung said we have tomorrow night off 🥴 can we plsplspls do family dinner + a movie”
San chuckled as he continued reading, Mingi’s voice vibrant even through the phone. Scrolling down, he watched as Seonghwa’s reply came in, his heart stuttering nervously despite the nonexistent stakes.
“I’ll cook dinner 😌 Be in the kitchen at 7pm (Mingi that means you 👀)”
San’s fingers flew across the keyboard as he answered naturally, a laugh caught in his throat.
“I call dibs on choosing the movie 😼”
A smile on his face, San placed his phone back on the table as he let his thoughts drift away from the continuous chain of short messages lighting up his screen as Mingi objected to his reply. A movie night gave him the perfect opportunity to casually, and on completely neutral territory, ask Seonghwa if he had hurt him by mistake.
Seonghwa moved around the kitchen with so much grace he looked like he was floating and San was going to cry.
With the cadence of a skittish cat, San approached the kitchen island slowly, watching as his roommate walked from the stove, to the refrigerator, and back to the counter as he prepared dinner. Awkwardly standing a few steps away from Seonghwa, he fidgeted, coughing lightly to call attention to himself.
Seonghwa turned his head to look at him over his shoulder, eyes narrowing as he noted the tension in San’s posture, “Why are you just standing there?”
San chuckled self-consciously, tripping over his foot as he stepped forward towards the counter, barely managing to catch himself at the last moment. “Fancy seeing you here.”
Unimpressed, Seonghwa turned back to face the food he was preparing before speaking again, “Did you forget that we all agreed to meet in the kitchen or are you trying to be funny?”
“Right, yes, I remembered that.” San straightened his back and rolled back his shoulders as he tried to regain his composure. “Mingi’s in the shower, he asked me to tell you he’d be out asap.”
Seonghwa sighed as he turned off the stove and set the spoon he was using on a nearby plate. “Always late that boy,” he whispered under his breath, before turning slightly to lean back on the counter and look at San, “Anything else you need to tell me San-ah?”
“What?” San spluttered, eyes drifting all over the room like a cornered animal searching for exits, “Why would you ever assume that?”
Seonghwa gave him a level stare, stopping any attempts to change the conversation before San could even try. Slowly, a concerned frown formed on his face, eyes softening slightly, “You look like you’re two seconds away from running out of the room. Did something happen?”
Realising his mistake, San immediately backtracked, moving closer to the kitchen island instead, “No, no, you have nothing to worry about hyung. Really, I’m fine. I swear.”
Seonghwa looked at him pensively, apprehension still visible on his features, “What did you want to ask me that would make you so hesitant and tense then?
San sighed, looking down, “It’s a stupid question, really, forget about it.”
“Just tell me Sannie.” Seonghwa answered, anxiety creeping through his voice as his shoulders stiffened.
Clearing his throat, San fidgeted with the hem of his shirt as his eyes darted across the room, “The thing is right,” he started, words quickly stumbling out of his mouth, “and tell me if this is weird, ok — but when we filmed that dating show for KBS, was I a bad date?”
“Excuse me, what?”
Looking up quickly, San met eyes with Seonghwa’s, noticing the sheer confusion painted on his face and the way his shoulders fell slightly, “The one where we went to Lotte World,”
“I know the one,” Seonghwa said quietly as he regained his composure. “Where is this coming from?”
San brought a hand up to rub his neck, ears burning in embarrassment. “It’s just that I rewatched the episodes, and I don’t know. Forget it, I told you it was stupid.”
“No,” Seonghwa replied quickly, the word coming out slightly strained.
San stopped fidgeting as he looked up, surprised, “No?”
“No. I had a lot of fun, you were an amazing date, and it was a day full of things I love doing. I don’t know who put that idea in your head, but I promise everything was perfect.” Seonghwa clarified, cheeks slightly flushed as he turned his head away quickly.
San let out an involuntary sound of surprise as he processed the words, disbelief and hesitancy still circling through his mind, “Ok, I hear what you’re saying, but see I was talking to Wooyoung—“
“So Wooyoung put this idea in your head, I should’ve known.” Seonghwa interrupted, crossing his arms.
“Well, yes, but anyway,” San continued, “We were talking and he said, jokingly, if I can just add, that I spent a lot of time talking about other things and other people.”
Seonghwa grumbled, a small pout on his lips, he muttered, “Well, Wooyoung doesn’t know what he’s talking about, and I think you were an amazing date.”
An awkward silence settled between them as they both looked away from each other. San's whole face burned as he tried to force himself to reply, distantly noting the sound of the bathroom door opening in the hallway before Mingi’s door slammed closed, breaking the stillness that lingered in the kitchen.
Chuckling clumsily, San looked up to meet Seonghwa’s eyes, “Oh, that’s good news then.”
Seonghwa turned around quickly at the brief eye contact, his embarrassment betrayed only by the red of his ears as he faced the stove, turning it back on.
Taken off guard and flustered, San braced himself for his next question, already regretting every word, “Just another random question that really doesn’t mean anything.”
He saw Seonghwa’s hand still above the pot before he hummed softly, allowing San to continue.
San paused for a second, taking a deep breath, he asked, “Why did you say yes when I asked you to marry me?”
There was a short silence before Seonghwa answered, “Why wouldn’t I?”
Quiet settled over the kitchen as Seonghwa’s words lingered in the air.
San blinked slowly, thoughts scattered as he struggled to find meaning behind those words. Letting out a muted sound that could barely be considered a laugh, he defaulted to humour, his words coming out stiff and lacklustre.“Right, obviously, the content is good. You say yes, I shoot you down, classic banter.”
Seonghwa’s voice cut through his rambling as he spoke softly, “I don’t really joke about stuff like that”
San barely had time to let out a strangled and confused noise before Mingi walked into the kitchen from behind him, hitting San’s back lightly a few times, “San-ah did you choose the movie yet?” He asked before turning to Seonghwa, “Ah also hyung, I know you already heard because I asked Sannie to tell you, but Yunho just texted to say he’s leaving his dorm.”
Seonghwa’s eyes were filled with bemusement as they shifted swiftly to San before moving back to Mingi, “There’s enough food for the four of us. Now help set up the table.”
A movie he had barely been able to pay attention to later, San lay in bed, an arm thrown over his face as he let himself sit in the stillness of his room. It was already 11, and the apartment would soon fall into the type of lived-in silence that can only be found once everyone is fast asleep. San knew very well that he should be going to bed. He had to wake up and head to the dance studio early the next morning, and yet as he lifted his arm and looked up at his empty ceiling, he found that he couldn’t even close his eyes.
If San was one thing in life, it was a romantic. He strove to find romance in the little things, find comfort in representations of love and adoration: a small gift, an act of service, a simple ‘I love you’. There were moments when he doubted what he knew, what he felt. This was not one of those times. He knew what love felt like: he had felt it growing up, had experienced it through friends, family, books, even. He knew the fluttering, the bashfulness, the burning sensation under his skin. More importantly, he knew that no matter how or when it had happened, his care had turned into a love so cherished he would swear his life on it. Then again, he couldn’t act until he deciphered the cryptic words Seonghwa handed him on a carefully dressed plate.
Marriage, weddings, children. Topics that all of his bandmates had made stupid jokes about at some point. It was all just meaningless humour, so then why would Seonghwa, in all seriousness, claim that he wouldn’t joke about marriage proposals when he probably had in the past? It simply didn’t make any sense. In fact, that entire conversation had made him more confused than anything else.
The rattle of Mingi’s door opening across the hallway startled him as San blinked away the confusion in his eyes. Leaning into the sounds he could hear, he listened as Seonghwa and Mingi wished each other a good night, Mingi’s door closing in a way so soft and characteristic of Seonghwa that San felt his heart stop. Moments later, a quiet knock resonated through the silent room, and San held his breath, watching as Seonghwa opened the door gently.
Peeking his head through the doorframe, Seonghwa’s eyes widened slightly as he noticed San already in bed. An apologetic expression settled on his face as he started talking, “I just came here to say goodnight. I’m sorry if you were trying to sleep.”
San looked at him tiredly, the conflicting emotions raging under his ribs making his head spin, “It’s ok, hyung. Goodnight.”
Eyes shaking slightly, Seonghwa hesitated, closing the door slightly before stopping, “Ah um, I just—” Seonghwa started speaking clumsily, words unusually jumbled and awkward, “Earlier, you know, that only applies to you. What I said in the kitchen, I mean, that’s only when it comes to you.”
The words had barely registered in San’s brain when Seonghwa closed the door, his footsteps shuffling away quickly towards his own room.
Alone again, he thought of Seonghwa’s words from earlier that night as he let himself fall asleep, the hidden meaning finally laid out in front of him.
“Why wouldn’t I? Say yes to marrying you.” “I don’t really joke about stuff like that, when it comes to you.”
It took an entire week before San was able to speak to Seonghwa again, the weight of ATEEZ’s schedule keeping all of them so busy they barely had time to take care of themselves, let alone hold private and important conversations. No matter how hard he had tried to make time after practice and schedules, the constant pressure made him too overwhelmed to think of anything other than showering and sleeping. Tonight, however, San knew he had time. The group had been given the next day off, and he was going to make good use of the time he was granted.
Walking confidently down the hallway, San stopped in front of Seonghwa’s room. He breathed in deeply before knocking three times, quickly entering and closing the door behind him. Turning around, he met eyes with Seonghwa, who blinked up at him from his seat at the head of the bed.
“Hi Sannie”
San walked towards the bed and sat on the side. Staring unblinkingly at Seonghwa, he spoke, “I missed you”
Seonghwa laughed lightly, his features soft under the warm lighting, “We spend every day together.”
Not missing a beat, San kept his expression serious as he grabbed one of Seonghwa’s hands in his, “No, I missed you.”
“Oh, I guess you’re not wrong”, Seonghwa answered, slightly flustered by the sudden sincerity. “We don’t really get to spend much time together these days. I missed you too.”
“Hyung.”
“San.”
San reached for Seonghwa’s second hand, bringing both of them closer to himself, “If I asked you to marry me right now, would you still say yes?”
A small smile grew on Seonghwa’s lips as he answered earnestly, “Why would I ever say no?”
San continued to push, squeezing Seonghwa’s hands lightly, “So if I said I love you, you’d be fine with that?”
“Is this a hypothetical question?”
“No.”
Seonghwa laughed brightly before he put on a more pensive expression, eyes fond, “Well then, I would say that you have the most beautiful heart out of anyone I’ve ever met and that I would be a fool not to love you back.”
Hands stilling, San looked at Seonghwa, searching for any discomfort, “You really mean that?” he whispered, hopeful and almost surprised.
San’s breathing stuttered as Seonghwa pulled him closer and answered softly, voice betraying the slightest sliver of doubt, “Yes. Are you certain you really love me?”
Relief and joy flooding through him, San grinned as he wrapped his arms around Seonghwa, trapping him in a tight hug, “In sickness and in health.”