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The journey back to Erid was going to take some time, definitely. We'd predicted about 4 to 6 years for the Hail Mary to bring us back to Erid, but I guessed that it would likely be on the longer end of that guess - either to not get my hopes up or to remind myself to ration what little food of coma slurry and taumoeba I had left.
I never thought I'd be thanking Stratt, but here I am, happily hanging out with my best friend in the whole galaxy, sitting on the floor side-by-side and binging episodes of Doctor Who with him, hoping that it would last us the trip. I guess I had to at least make peace with what she had done - without it, Rocky and I would have never met and he would've been left alone or worse. I still didn't forgive her though.
"Who people question?" Rocky asked tilting his carapace slightly in confusion, focusing my attention back on what we were watching. For not having a face, he could really express himself well for my tiny human brain.
"Oh, that's Amy and Rory," I explained, identifying the couple on the screen. "They travel with the Doctor, together," I explained as they came in for a kiss together, dressed in wedding garb and holding each other tightly.
"What that question? Look gross," Rocky groaned, shaking slightly in disdain for the act of romanticism.
Me too buddy, I thought, sneering slightly. Don't get me wrong, I didn't have anything against watching romantic displays of affection, but I'd choose not to if I could. And don't even get me started on doing romantic acts myself - that was as far off the table as I currently was deep into the universe. Easy way to say, never going to happen.
"It's a kiss, Rocky," I explained, sipping my water as I turned my attention away from the screen and towards my friend. "It's an act of romantic affection among humans. It's something that you and Adrian might do if you guys were humans."
"Grace kiss question?" He asked, making me sputter and cough on the water I had been trying to drink. "Grace had mate yes question? Grace kiss mate question?" He clarified. I swear he was trying to kill me.
"No," I answered quickly, slightly embarrassed at being near 40 and never kissing anyone romantically - the most I'd done had been affectionate head kisses towards my friends and even those had been few and far between. "I have no interest in that."
"But Grace had mate. Why Grace no kiss mate if romantic affection question?" Rocky urged, curious about me and my past relationships apparently.
"Yes, I had a mate," I agreed. "I've had a few different mates, girlfriends as humans would put it, but I've never kissed them. I've never kissed anyone," I mumbled under my breath, feeling more out of place than ever.
Rocky had Adrian, had a mate, someone who he loved so much and me? I didn't even have a dog, a family, or any kind of want to share my life with someone in that way. Outside of Rocky, I don't even think I could say I really had a friend. They were right to send me to space. I didn't belong on earth, so different from everyone else and never truly fitting in. Heck, I barely belonged with an alien who had more relationships that I did all the way out here.
"Rocky sorry to bring up," Rocky spoke quickly, rubbing his xenonite covered body against my side, letting the heat from his environment sink into my skin. "Rocky no mean to make Grace sad."
"You didn't make me sad, buddy."
"Then why Grace leak question?"
Leak?
Bringing a hand up to my cheek, I felt a wetness on my skin. I hadn't even noticed, how could I not have noticed? Did I really feel that bad about not fitting in? I sniffled slightly. God, I really was pathetic.
"Grace want to talk question?" Rocky offered, letting me wrap an arm around him, holding him closely against me. "Maybe talk make Grace feel better."
"Maybe," I repeated, not sure how explaining my own issues to an alien that barely understood human concepts would help me to feel better. But at this point, what did I have to lose? Maybe a bit of my dignity, but that was in short supply these days, so whatever.
"Why Grace feel sad question?" Rocky asked, his voice full of concern. Even if the computer couldn't translate that emotion, the somber symphony emitting from him told me all I needed to know - he was worried.
"I… I don't really know, Rock," I began, taking in a deep breath and wiping away the tears that still continued to fall. All efforts to stop them weren't working, so I guess we just had to deal with them for now. "I guess I just got a little lost in my head. I just couldn't stop thinking about how different I am from other people, even from you," I admitted.
"Grace different from Rocky. We different species. Should be different."
"Yeah, we are," I chuckled slightly. I had to admit that I found his inability to understand funny on occasion. "But I don't mean that kind of different. I mean like…" I paused for a moment, trying to think of how to phrase this to another life form when it was hard enough for me to try and process. "Like, you and Adrian. You love each other, you have a romantic relationship. I-I don't have that. I don't want that," I explained carefully between wiping my eyes and sniffling, putting it as best as I could. I wasn't even going to mention to him that the idea of having sex with someone else scared me - this was bad enough.
"But Grace had mate question?" Rocky asked, tilting his carapace slightly as he looked up at me.
"I did, but I never felt any kind of connection to them outside of friendship, what you and I have. No romantic want."
"Grace not odd for not want romance," Rocky stated decisively. "Grace like some Eridian. No want romance or reproduction, want friendship. Eridian call it asexual," the computer supplied, taking the term from asexual reproduction, like that of the astrophage and taumoeba. "Is okay."
I had to say, that took me by surprise. So, I wasn't an oddball among Eridians, just humans. Great. I'm more like an alien species than my own.
"Huh," I breathed out. "That's really cool, but it's not like that for humans. Humans have a need for relationships and romance," I explained, thinking back to all the conversations I'd had with my parents while they were alive.
How many times did they ask me when I was going to settle down with someone? When I was going to date again after Linda left me? When I was going to give them grandchildren? Ew. Still gross to even think about. How many times did I answer that I was too busy with school? That I hadn't met the right person? That I wasn't sure I even wanted kids? The arguments we'd had over it were ingrained into my very being, my soul scarred with the accidental insults they'd throw at me for being different, their need for me to be taken care of and their inability to understand that friendships were just as, if not more, important than dating someone.
"But Grace does not question?" Rocky clarified. "Grace no want romance relationship question?"
"I don't," I admitted to him. Rocky was my best friend, he wouldn't judge me. But your parents did, that little voice in the back of my head whispered. I smothered it. Rocky wasn't like that - he understood me in ways that nobody on Earth would ever. "I never have, never will."
"Is okay. Grace have Rocky. Is enough."
Tears welled in my eyes, no longer from feeling like an outcast, but as someone who had bared their soul, fearful of what criticisms would come, only to find comfort and understanding. Rocky may not have been human, but he had more humanity than most people.
"Thank you, buddy," I sobbed out, wrapping my body around him as 2 of his little legs gently placed themselves on my back - comforting me in my worst moments instead of pushing me away.
"No need thank. Rocky always accept Grace. Rocky love Grace."
I sobbed even harder, pulling him flush up against my skin, needing to know that he wasn't leaving me. That he didn't see me as broken when so many others did - as my parents did.
"Is okay," Rocky comforted, nuzzling as well as he could against me. "Grace okay. Grace love by Rocky."
I couldn't tell how long had passed before Rocky and I separated. I was still a mess - covered in snot and weeping slightly - but I felt better than I had in a long time.
"Thank you," I whispered to Rocky, curling my knees against my chest, my arms wrapped around them, as he leaned against me, not yet willing to let me forget that I wasn't alone.
"Grace need help. Rocky help. No need thank statement." I gave him a soft smile as he continued. "Want find word for Grace question?" He asked. "No need to if Grace no want."
The idea of finding words to describe myself hadn't even occurred to me despite having all of the information from the world available at my fingertips. I knew that people used words to identify themselves, I'd lived in San Francisco long enough to know about pride and queer identities. But I'd never really considered myself as part of that group. Maybe that would have to change.
"Sure," I agreed softly, pulling the computer in front of us and beginning to type into the search bar what Rocky had offered as a word for me: Asexual.
The Wikipedia page was very helpful once I found the right one about asexuality as a queer identity, not as a form of reproduction. I skimmed it and my heart warmed as each word passed into my mind. It described me to a tee. A person who didn't want sexual relationships or who didn't experience sexual attraction. That was me all right. I couldn't believe that there was a word to describe me.
Clicking on one of the highlighted words, I read it: aromantic. Curiously, I read through that page too. A person who experiences little to no romantic attraction. I wasn't broken, I just experienced life a little different than others and that was okay.
"I think I found the words to describe me," I grinned towards Rocky. He was the first to accept me, all of me, so he might as well be the first person I share them with - it was the least I could do after all he had done to make me feel like I wasn't different, like I was just human. Just me in its entirety.
"Share! Share! Share!" Rocky cheered, stepping back a bit to give me space to explain without him right up against my side.
"The words are asexual, as you stated earlier, and aromantic. Aromantic is a person who doesn't want a romantic relationship."
"Grace aromantic asexual," he repeated spinning in a happy little circle as he cheered the words. "Grace happy question?" He asked, stopping to face me straight on.
"Yeah, I'm feeling happy" I agreed. "I'm not broken," I whispered, wiping away even more tears, happy ones this time, as they fell. After all my time on this planet, and off of it too, I finally had words to describe me. To know that I wasn't alone in this feeling, this experience of life. It truly was a comfort for all of the self-hatred I had suffered. All those years of wishing for myself to be normal - to be like everyone else. I wasn't though. And that was okay.
"Grace happy, Rocky happy. Grace no broken, never broken. Is okay. Grace just Grace."