Work Text:
Contrary to popular belief, Kyle didn’t spend his sick days sat at the computer goofing around.
He actually hated having to stay in and do nothing, and he often cursed his immune system for being so shit. Yeah he got to stay home from school more often, but he enjoyed school so that wasn’t really appealing to him. Plus it meant he missed out on things sometimes.
Yesterday, for example, the guys had taken taken Cartman to get his wisdom teeth removed and he had been stuck in his room missing what would probably be a hilarious aftermath. Plus Cartman had been whining for a full week about how he hoped the people operating would actually be competent enough to do their job without giving him a disease this time, which Kyle knew roughly translated into: ‘I’m terrified about this because the last time my mouth was operated on it ended disastrously’ and he kind of felt like he needed to be there for him, if not for moral support then at least to stop him from attacking someone as soon as he saw a needle. Instead, he had been stuck in bed all day feeling like shit and waiting for some kind of news from the others.
At about two o’clock he heard his phone chime with a twitter notification and dragged himself up out of bed and over to his computer. What awaited him was a video clip in the group chat with the caption ‘so yesterday was eye opening...’ from Stan. Kyle almost dreaded what was gonna happen when he clicked play, but he was too curious now.
The first thing that greeted him was the sound of Cartman crying and for a second he thought something had gone terribly wrong, but then Kenny’s grinning face appeared. By the looks of it they were in Wendy’s parents’ car and Kenny, Butters and Cartman were in the back seats. “Tell Kyle what’s going on here, Stan,” Kenny instructed as the car started moving.
“Ok so everything went well. Wendy’s driving, I’m filming and Kenny and Butters are here because they didn’t wanna miss the opportunity to watch Cartman make a fool of himself. Well, I think Butters was actually a bit worried, but Kenny is definitely mainly here for the laughs.” Kenny confirmed this previous statement by nodding and Stan continued, “We just stopped to get Cartman something to drink and pick up some snacks because some of us are going to the movies later and when we came back he was singing along to Stitches by Shawn Mendes at the top of his lungs and crying.” The camera moved a little and Kyle could see Cartman sat next to the other door wiping his eyes with his sleeve while Butters sat between him and Kenny, patting his shoulder sympathetically.
Kenny took the camera from Stan, but made sure to keep it on Cartman as Stan handed the boy a bottle of water. “We just got you water because we assumed anything else would just taste nasty with all the shit you got in your mouth,” Stan explained, and Kyle was mildly surprised when Cartman offered no arguments. He gripped the bottle in his hands, but made no move to open it as Kenny handed the camera back again.
“So what’s up Cartman?” Kenny asked. “Why were you crying?”
This seemed to open the flood gates as Cartman began weeping again. “It was just such a beautiful, emotional sooong!” he blurted. “And I remembered singing along to it with Kyle the other day on the way to school and I just wish he was here right now because he’s my friend.”
“You miss Kyle, huh?” Stan commented, and Kyle could hear him trying not to laugh.
The other boy nodded as the waterworks continued. “I’m so sad that Kahl couldn’t make it! He’s ill right now and it’s not fair!” Cartman bawled, pressing his hand over his eyes. The other boys and Wendy, were quietly sniggering at this point. Cartman noticed and moved his hand away, pouting as much as the pieces of gauze in the sides of his mouth would let him, “Why are you laughing at mee? I’m serious! I miss him so much you guys.”
“Ok bud,” Kenny chuckled, reaching across to pat his arm condescendingly. “We get it, you miss Kyle.”
“No, you don’t get it guys,” Cartman sobbed. “We were talking the other day and he told me not to worry because he remembered that last time I had something removed from my mouth they gave me AIDs and he knew I would be worried. I was like ‘Ok Jew, I’m not a baby, I can handle having a few teeth out’, but I was just thinking like that’s so nice and considerate of him.” He paused to wipe his eyes again. “I’m so glad we’re friends now. I’d be really sad if we weren’t,” he admitted, staring down at the label on the water bottle in his lap.
Stan and Kenny were cackling in their seats at this point, but Butters was looking at Cartman with a genuinely happy smile on his face. “I’m glad you and Kyle are friends now too Eric!” he beamed.
“Yeah me too, Butters,” Cartman replied with a smile, forgetting that he’d been the one to say it in the first place and that he had been crying less than three seconds ago. “I just… I’m so happy he let me be his friend because he’s my favourite,” Cartman said, pressing his hand to his face as the tears started up again. He continued his ugly crying for a little while, the water the others had bought for him sitting forgotten in his lap. Then he suddenly perked up as he caught the opening notes of a song on the radio.
“Oh my god I hate this song,” he complained, sniffling pathetically as he stared down at his lap, picking at the label on the bottle he was holding. “Turn it up though I wanna try and hit all the high notes.”
Kyle chuckled and shook his head as he watched the other passengers eyes widen before they all shared a look of dread. Stan was quick to salvage the situation though. “So why is Kyle your favourite, Cartman?” he inquired.
“Huh?” Cartman responded, staring blankly at the other boy.
“You said Kyle was your favourite,” he pointed out. “Why’s that?”
“Yeah Cartman,” Kenny nodded, grinning at the brunette boy. “Why’s that?”
“Because he’s so funny and he’s smart and he’s pretty and he has beautiful eyes and he’s… I don’t know he’s just awesome,” Cartman smiled. “Oh and his hair is so red it’s so pretty..”
Kyle felt his face heat up and for the first time that day it had nothing to do with having a fever. He didn’t know whether to make a mental note to get Stan and Kenny back for dragging out this embarrassing conversation or thank them for all of the material he now had to tease the other boy with.
“I thought you didn’t like people with red hair,” Wendy pointed out from the driver’s seat.
“I don’t usually, but it looks good on Kyle and it’s all curly and big and it’s so pretty I wanna run my hands through it,” he admitted, Kyle’s cheeks felt like they may as well be on fire by now as he listened to the numerous compliments Cartman was just throwing out there. “He has a fantasstic ass too,” he added as an afterthought and Kyle choked on air as he watched the other passengers do a double take.
“Oh my god!” Stan exclaimed.
“I’m so glad I agreed to drive you guys around today,” Wendy declared.
Kenny was too busy laughing to comment, he had been doing a pretty good job until he saw Butter’s expression change from a smile to a wide eyed look of shock. Now he was laughing to the point that it was more like silent shaking and his eyes had started watering.
“W-wait so do you like-like him?” Butters questioned.
Kyle couldn’t help but lean forward at that, watching the screen closely.
“Of course I like him, he’s one of my best friends,” Cartman shrugged, no sign of hesitation when he answered.
Kyle couldn’t help smiling at that, he was glad they were closer now than they had been in their childhood, even if their friendship crossed some weird boundaries at times and Kyle wasn’t always quite sure what they were or whether they were on the same page with their feelings.
“What our dear friend Butters here is trying to ask...” Kenny interfered, having gained his composure again. “...is would you kiss him? Like if given the chance would you wanna stick your tongue down his throat?” he asked, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively.
Cartman shrugged and Kyle got a terrible feeling about where this was going. “Sure, I mean we’ve already done that a couple times now anyway, so why not?” he answered.
Kyle facepalmed as he heard the various reactions on the recording, wishing that the ground would just swallow him up and be done with it. He knew something like this would happen if he wasn’t there. He’d missed one thing and now all of the people he hung out with knew that he’d been having unofficial make out sessions with his childhood rival.
“I fucking knew it!” Kenny shouted, way too excited for someone who just heard that two of his best friends made out once… or a couple of times. “Did I or did I not call it like four months ago?”
“Kenny, what you said was; ‘they’re secretly banging I’m calling it’,’’ Stan clarified. “And that was a week ago.”
“Close enough,” Kenny shrugged.
“Well we’re not exactly ‘banging’ though we’ve just - wait were you making bets on us?!” Cartman exclaimed, his eyebrows furrowing in confusion. “That’s wild like how did you guys know before anything even happened are you psychic or have you been spying on us or something?”
“Sure,” Kenny confirmed. “Or something..”
“I mean we weren’t really making bets exactly,” Stan argued.
“I did kind’ve bet Jimmy like five dollars,” Butters announced guiltily.
“Aw I should’ve got in on that!” Kenny whined. “I could’ve made some easy money!”
“Wait a second, wait a second,” Stan interrupted, and Kyle didn’t have to see him to know that he was pinching the bridge of his nose. “How did this even happen? When did it even happen?”
“Well you see it’s real simple Stan Marshmallow…”
“Don’t call me that,” Stan cut in.
“...Stanley Marshmallow,” Cartman corrected and it looked like Stan was about to say something because the other three shushed him, too interested in hearing the story to care.
“We were playing video games together at my house a few weeks ago and he did that smug smile he does when he beats me at something and I just thought ‘he looks cute I’m gonna kiss him’ and the next thing I knew we were kissing,” Cartman explains, with a shrug. “He’s really good at it by the way, that’s another thing he’s good at, but none of you are allowed to kiss him because that’s my job.”
“Oh my god!” Kyle blurted, pressing his head against his desk. “I can’t believe he actually told them...” he sighed.
“So are you guys going out?” he heard Wendy ask.
“No,” Cartman replied. “We kiss a lot when we hang out, but we’re not boyfriends.”
“Do you want to be his boyfriend?” Butters asked. Kyle’s curiosity perked up again at this and he lifted his head back up to look at the screen again.
Cartman got a thoughtful look on his face for a few seconds, but then it transformed into a warm smile. “Yeah,” he nodded, “I want to hold him every morning and love him every night. I’m gonna marry him one day and we’re gonna adopt like fifty cats. Kenny, Butters and Heidi are gonna be the bridesmaids.”
“I don’t think that’s a good idea, Eric. Isn’t Heidi your ex? I don’t think Kyle would be too happy about that.” Butters responded, taking the conversation too seriously.
He vaguely heard something like “Heidi’s my friend so Kyle can just get over it” in the background, but it was muffled as a gloved hand reached over to move the camera.
Kenny grinned wickedly when his face appeared in the frame, he seemed to be living for this revelation. “Well, you heard it here first Kyle, time to start picking out rings!” he exclaimed.
“You’re talking to Kyle? I wanna talk to him!” Cartman cut in, pulling the phone way too close to his face. “Hi Kyle, I miss you!”
Stan wrestled his phone back and the last thing Kyle heard before the video cut out was Cartman’s laugh, followed by, “Hey guys can you imagine if I was driving right now? That would be a disaster. I’d be all like ‘is that a stop sign or a go sign?’.”
Kyle buried his face in his hands, sinking down a little in his computer chair. “Why does the idiot have to be so cute sometimes?” he groaned to himself.
Before Kyle could do anything else, his phone started ringing and he wheeled his chair over to look at it, sighing and picking it up when Cartman’s picture appeared on the screen. “So before you say anything about that video, I’d just like to point out that they put me on so much pain medication yesterday, ok? I’m talking like enough pain medication to knock out a small child or possibly even Butters. I would not go with them easily.”
Kyle grinned, seeing an open opportunity for teasing. “So you think I’m pretty?” he smirked. The effect was ruined though when he had a coughing fit two seconds later.
“Oh yeah, Kyle. You’re truly irresistible right now,” Cartman replied. There was so much sarcasm in his tone that Kyle could almost hear Cartman rolling his eyes.
“Shut up,” Kyle retorted. A weak laugh escaped him as he thought about how ridiculous they had both been, dancing about the subject for months when they both obviously liked each other. “So I guess the cat is fully out of the bag now, huh? I mean with you crying in front of our friends about my ‘beautiful eyes’ and ‘fantastic ass’ and all.”
“Well they are a nice green colour and I have seen worse asses in my time,” Cartman mumbled.
Kyle really shouldn’t find him so cute at times like this, but he did and that was why he found himself blurting out his next question. “Would you just date me already?”
The other end of the line went silent and Kyle began to panic, thinking that maybe Cartman didn’t actually want a relationship with him despite the confessions he made the day before. “Um… I mean-”
“Are you serious right now?” Cartman interrupted. “Like you legit wanna be my boyfriend? Even after watching that train wreck of a video?”
“I mean,” Kyle spoke, his confidence returning to him. “It’s gonna be a bit awkward getting married and adopting fifty cats with you without at least being your boyfriend first.”
He heard Cartman sigh in exasperation and failed to stop a huge smile from breaking out. “You’re never gonna let me live that down are you, Jew?” the other muttered rhetorically. “Ok, I’ll consider being your boyfriend, but you gotta ask me properly first.”
“You’re such a diva,” Kyle laughed. “Ok. Eric Theodore Cartman, will you please be my boyfriend?”
“Well, you’re still asking me this over the phone…”
“Oh my god!” Kyle exclaimed, getting ready to complain about how demanding Cartman was being.
“...but yeah I’ll be your boyfriend.”
“Cool,” Kyle responded, unable to stop smiling.
“Yeah, cool,” Cartman replied. There was an awkward pause before both laughed. “We’re ridiculous!” Cartman exclaimed. “I can’t believe it took this long for us to talk about this.”
“Yeah,” Kyle agreed. “And it was all thanks to you being unable to resist talking about how awesome I am.”
“Oh my god, Kyle let me live!” Cartman complained as Kyle laughed, barely avoiding another coughing fit.
It turned out to be a good thing Kyle had asked him out that day too because someone had to make sure he didn’t murder Stan and Kenny when the video went viral a couple of days later.