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“Captain?”
Kirk stood in the doorway of his first officer’s room, looking awkward and calm at the same time, “Hey, Spock. Um, good job, back there.”
Spock nodded respectfully, “I should say the same to you sir.”
Kirk shook his head, “Don’t be like that, I was just down on the planet getting my shirt ripped in half. You were the one dealing with the alien ambassador’s ship.” Spock stood, waiting for Kirk to remember why he came into the room, a habit Spock had picked up months ago.
The captain shifted from foot to foot until “Oh right. We’re having a party down in the mess hall, if you would like to join us. There gonna miss us downstairs.”
Spock looked up, Kirk saw a hint of, not surprise, something more vulnerable, in Spock. The look he gives whenever he would invite him anywhere. The glint soon went away as Spock began to speak. “No, Captain. Not tonight. Thank you.”
“Ah come on you were the one who bluffed out the enemy by saying that you killed all those people? We all know you scared him off Spock. I mean, wow, I thought Vulcans couldn’t lie? But I guess ‘cause your half human and everything.” At that, Spock stood, silently.
“Was I wrong? Uhura said Vulcans couldn’t lie...”
Spock cut him off sharply, “What I said was no lie captain.” Kirk stood for a moment, not knowing what to say. It had been months, but the death of Spock’s world still hung heavy in the air. Spock felt it, and he knew Kirk could sense it as well. Kirk sighed, resigning himself to have this long awaited conversation tonight apparently.
“Spock...Spock sit.” Spock he hesitated, but eventually sat gingerly on the edge of his bed. Kirk sat next to him, both facing the wall, unwilling to turn, to look the other in the face. “You really believe you killed them all, huh?”
Spock sat silently, formulating his thought until responding softly, “I think I fully admitted to this on the bridge, sir.”
Kirk rolled his eyes, turning to the other man, “No, no ‘sir’ don’t ‘captain’ me this is Jim, your friend, your best friend, asking you a simple question: do you truly believe you killed your people?” He watched and the Vulcan continued to stare at the wall. Spock closed his eyes and slowly laid back on the bed.
“Capt-Jim. Jim.” Spock looked up at him, eyes soft and so full of confusion it made Jims throat close. “You are not thinking logically.”
He smirked, shaking his head. “No. I’m not. When do I?”“
“It is only logical for me to believe that I killed them Jim.” Spock finally said quietly, as if he was hoping Kirk would not hear him.
“Spock-”
“Even If it was Spock in the future, it was still me.” He sat up, uncharacteristically hunched over. “I didn’t save the council in time. I did not advise Captain Pike. I did not know what was going on. It is my fault Jim, my own fault.”
Kirk watched as the stoic and calm attitude of the Vulcan melted away. His hands shook, his eyes became glassy, a look of self-contempt threatens to break. “No matter what you say, Jim, I killed them. The blood of my planet is on my hands, you cannot prove me otherwise.”
Jim sat, not knowing what to say. Cautiously, he reached out his hand, placing it gently over top Spock”s shaking ones. “No. No there isn’t anything I could say.”
Spock looked up at him, before sighing again. "Thank you, Jim.”
They say a few moments, until Kirk realized that he was practically holding the Vulcan's hand.
“Oh god!” he pulled his hand away, standing quickly.
Spock rose as well, “What is it Captain?”
Kirk shook his head “Oh my god Spock I am so sorry I didn’t realize I totally forgot the-” he waved his hands about a bit until looking up at Spock. Spock, who was not a damsel in distress as Kirk made him out to be, was looking as amused as a proper Vulcan could look. Also, after a while working with the other man, could fluently understand flustered Jim talk, and quickly understood what he was trying to convey.
“Captain, it is fine. What you were doing as a human was comforting as a human. I know you meant no disrespect or to cross any boundaries.” Kirk studied the Vulcan before smiling bashfully.
“Uh, I’m-thanks. I appreciate that.” Jim wondered how it happened that he had come to comfort he friend and was now thanking him. That was a turn around.
Spock nodded, looking much better. “Besides, there is something to be said for the emotional support of physical contact.”
Kirk sopped, turning to stare at the Vulcan, “Spock, you just said you had emotional need.”
Spock though for a moment “Yes, I believe I did. But I must warn you, if Dr. McCoy appears to be in any way informed I this fact, I will deny it.” Spock raised an eye brow as Kirk let out a giggle.
“I’m sure Mr. Spock, I’m sure.”
Spock huffed before looking down. Kirk studied him for a second, not sure of how to proceed. If it had been anyone else he would have hugged or held or something, anything. But with Spock, he just didn’t know.
“Jim” Kirk shook himself, realizing he had been staring. “Jim if you have an inquiry, you only have to ask.”
Kirk laughed again, sounding obviously forced, “I don’t want to embarrass you.”
“Being around you is embarrassment enough. I can handle it.”
Kirk brushed the joke of lightly, chewing on his lip in thought. After a moment, he sighed, asking “This whole comforting thing. Are there Vulcan limits?”
Spock thought for a moment, titling his head slightly as if examining a specimen. Jim held his breath as Spock stepped forward “On a normal stand point, yes. But with you I believe I am well past Vulcan societal taboo.”
Jim snorted, “Mom will be so proud.” Spock eyed the captain.
“Jim.” Spock’s voiced softened and Kirk looked up, surprised. “Is there something else, you wanted to ask of me?”
The captain shrugged, “Now that I’m thinking about it, it seems like a stupid question honestly.”
“You only have to ask.” Jim stood, staring at Spock. He knew exactly what he wanted to say, how he wanted Spock to react, he had thought about it almost every day. Now he was here, he found that he couldn’t say a thing. He was taking advantage of Spock in this moment. The Vulcan is mourning the loss of his planet, admitting he killed his species. Spock raised an eyebrow, and Kirk realize he had been staring for a while now. He shook himself and without thinking finally blurted out
“Do you want a hug?”
Spock’s ears slowly turning green as Kirk felt a blush forming in his face and turned away clearing his throat. He began turning towards the door “That was the dumbest thing I'm gonna go-”
“Yes.” Kirk stopped.
“What.”
“Yes, I would.”
The captain turned to find Spock standing stiff and firm, staring intently at the ground. “No one’s ever asked but, yes, I would.” Kirk smiled as the blush became more apparent across his checks. Jim stepped forward, into the Vulcan’s personal space. He reached out, wrapping his arms around Spock’s waist. He was at the perfect height, and he burrows his face into the space between his neck and shoulder, breathing in.
At first Spock stood stock still. As Kirk began to panic, thinking about pulling away, he felt Spock’s arms tentatively wrap just as tightly around his shoulders, as the Vulcan lets his forehead rest on Kirk’s shoulder. Though Kirk could not feel, Spock felt their heart beats slow and then sync. For the first time, in a very long time, Spock felt safe, accepted. At peace.
“I know you don’t want to talk about it” Kirk mumbled into his neck “But no one in this ship blames you for what happened. Believe what you want, and blame who you will, I know I can’t change that. But know that I...we are your friends, and support you.”
Spock’s throat tightened. He knew, it was only logical the human would be so emotionally attached, but hearing the words meant something so much more. His arms instinctively wrapped tighter, breathing in, as if he was scared the captain would disappear. This emotional weakness only his mother and Uhura had seen before. It was like a flood gate had been opened. Despite every instinct, Spock felt tears slowly dropping into his cheeks. His thoughts raced as a sob escaped from his throat. He expected Kirk to pull away. To avoid contact.
But he didn’t.
He stayed. He stayed while Spock clung to him, letting the tears quietly fall down onto the captains gold shirt. It was not after a few minutes that Spock even registered the captain slowly carefully running his fingers through his hair.
“I quite like that.” The Vulcan said quietly, unnecessarily, but he couldn’t bring himself to care right now. Kirk smirked, quietly proud of himself.
“I know.” They stood silently a few minutes longer before Kirk started again
“You know what else humans like for comfort?” Sock shook his head until he felt Jim’s lips pressed against his hair. Spock stood, stunned as an impish grin formed across Kirk’s features. “How was that? Comforting?”
Spock allowed a slight smirk “I did my have sufficient time to analyze; perhaps you should-”
Kirk smiled, leaning in again and cutting the Vulcan off. The kiss went on for longer, chaste and warm, with every ounce of love and respect Kirk could muster behind in. After what seemed like hours they pulled away.
“Captain?” Kirk looked up into Spock’s eyes, expecting a scolding or sting of regulations. Instead-
“Will they really miss you all that much at the party?” Kirks smirked as he brought the Vulcans hand up to his lips pressing a kiss to the back of his hand.
“No Mr. Spock. I don’t think they will.”