Work Text:
1.)
Ilya loved his daughter more then anything. Irina Yuna Hollander-Rozanov was one of the most adorable little girls ever. She had her papas long thick blond curls and her daddy's freckles and face. She was perfect.
When she was 8 asked the question Ilya had been dreading.
It came in the early morning while he was making breakfast. "papa how come daddy has a mom but you dont?" She asked
He took a deep breath trying to figure out the best way to answer it. "Um, well, because when I was younger my mama was sick and it made her very sad."
"like you?" She asked so innocently not knowing the effect it had on him knowing his daughter could see that in him.
He was so scared to answer because he didn't want her to think he was going to leave her like his mother did to him. Obviously he would never blame his mother for it, he knew how hard his father was on her. He was always so rough o. There were the nights he wanted to just sleep but instead was awake listen to plates shatter against walls and against his own mothers skin. or the times his father would beat her right in front of him. He could never blame her for what she did, but sometimes he wanted too.
"yes Malysh like me." he answered honestly not knowing what else to do.
"what was she like?" She asked sounding like she really did want to know.
He took a few deep breath again. "She was so funny and beautiful. She was so kind and caring. She loved everyone with her whole heart no matter what. She-she." He didn't know what else to say.
"why isn't she here?"
Fuck she definitely got her question asking from Shane. He thought.
"My mama was very sick and made her very sad and one day," shit how do you explain this to an 8 year old, "she, um, she couldn't handle it all anymore and was too sad. She couldn't get the help I can and the medicine I do to help." He knew that there was a better way to do this but he didn't think he would be having to conversation for at least a few more years.
She was quiet for a minute seeming to take the information in then asked, "do I make you feel like that?"
He looked up at the ceiling away from her to try and stop the tears because, blyat, how could his baby think that. Then just as quickly circled the island to stand next to the chair she was sitting in taking her in his arms.
"no malysh! of course not. You could never. You and daddy make me the happiest person ever." He hugged her tighter with that.
"do you miss her?"
"of course I do more then anything." He kissed the top of her head.
He held her for another minute before having to turn back to the food before it burned. She seemed not to be done hugging and followed him to the stove and wrapped her tiny arms around his waist.
2.)
They were down at the cottage for the summer. It was a peaceful night and Shane had started a fire. They were sitting around it. Ilya was trying to teach irina to make Smores. But turns out 9 year olds are very messy when it comes to this. But now they were comfortably all cuddling on the outdoor couch.
Today was hard for him because it had been 22 years since his mother had died. He was always sad she never got to see the life he had today but knew she would be proud of him.
"hey papa can I ask you something?" Irina said breaking the silence.
"you just did." He said which earned him a dirty look from Irina and a swat from Shane. "Ok ok fine yes what is your question?"
"why were you so sad today?" She asked and it broke Ilya heart a little that she had noticed once again
"Today was the day your Babuska passed away when I was younger." He said.
"oh. If she were alive would she be here right now?"
"of course she would be. She would sit right next to you and tell about something stupid I did or some other funny story and make Smores with you. She would sneak you extras too." He knew it was all true. She would have spoiled this little girl more then he already does.
"I'm sorry she couldn't be here." She said looking down at the ground.
"oh malysh its ok come here." He said opening his arms so she could come join. He felt Shane shift behind him to get more comfortable. She got up and walked over to climb into his arms.
"you can always ask questions about her okay. I don't want you to ever think you can't ask about her ok?" She nodded her head and stayed close. He felt Shane's arms come up and wrap around him and their daughter.
He could have stayed like that for days snuggled up with his husband and their daughter. He had never felt more at home.
3.)
Ilya knew Shane knew something was up with him today. He saw the way Shane gaze lingered a little to long during practice He saw the way Shane's brows furrowed trying to figure out what was wrong, the way he held his hand on Ilya's back a beat too long.
The truth was he just missed his mother. He wanted to see her. Wanted to tell her about the life he has built, how happy he is. That he still thinks he doesn't deserve the life he has, or how he waiting for it all to fall out from under him.
Today when he got home from practice Irina was sitting at the table with yuna drawing. He loved yuna but didn't wanna talk so he silently hugged her and went upstairs. He took a quick shower before throwing on some clothes and getting into bed.
~~~
He must have fallen asleep because he woke up to the smell of pancakes and the sight of his husband and daughter coming in the room with plates of food. He sat up and smiled.
"Hi we made you food." Shane said holding the plates while trying to help Irina up onto the bed with his foot.
"yeah papa, we made pancales!" Irina said once she was up on the bed. Shane handed a plate to Ilya then Irina, before sitting in front of Ilya cross legged on the bed.
"daddy is finally letting us have breakfast for dinner?." He tried matching his little girls excitement.
She made a noise of agreement while chewing a mouthful of pancake. He looked over to Shane who was giving him a smile that said both are you ok? And also your helping me with her later at the same time. He smiled back.
"papa are you sad because of babuska again?" She asked before taking another bite of pancakes.
Damn this little girl is smart.
"yeah solnyshko I just miss her."
She tilted her head to the side and thought about it for a second before asking, "what did she look like?"
He saw the tears blur his vision before he felt them. It was the first time someone had asked him that since about a year into dating Shane, he had shown Shane one of the only photographs he still had of his mother.
"She was beautiful just like you." He tapped her on the nose whole saying it then added, "stay I'll be right back."
He got up and went into the closet. He walked to the far corner and opened the top drawer grabbing the small teal velvet jewelry box. He walked back out and sat back in his spot on the bed.
"this was my mothers." He opened the box and grabbed the 3 pictures from inside.
The first was of his mother. She was sitting in a chair looking at the camera. She had a navy blue shirt and her hair was perfectly curled and framing her face. She was smiling and the darkness to her was yet to come.
He held the photo out to Irina and she grabbed it gently.
"wow." Him and Shane laughed at that. "She was so pretty and looks like you papa." They laughed again and nodded slowly.
"yeah she was."
He grabbed the second photo.
The second was of Ilya and his mother. He was about 3 in it. He was sitting on his mothers lap, she was sitting in the same chair as before. She was wearing a dark Emerald green dress, he was wearing a white button up shirt and pants that matched the color of his mothers dress. Her hair was pulled back in a braid that slung over her shoulder. They were facing each other and his mothers face was scrunched up and he was laughing.
He handed her the second photo. She just stared at it like it was breakable. She looked down and smiled. He went to grab the third photo.
It wasn't of his mother, but of him and Shane when they were younger. It was taking during their first summer at the cottage. Shane had found a Polaroid camera in a closet; after Ilya had tried taking pictures and Shane yelled at him saying they couldn't have pictures on their phones. They were both in bed. Ilya was kissing Shane on his cheek, Shane was smiling and his nose was scrunched up hiding some of his freckles. They were young, happy, and in love.
He handed her that picture and she looked at it and smiled softly. Shane looked over her shoulder and smiled too, then looked at Ilya.
"I forgot we took that." Shane said looking back down at the picture.
"when was this?" Irina asked looking between her two dads.
" that was the night after I had met your grandma and grandpa." Ilya answered.
"how did you meet them?"
"we were coming up from the lake at the cottage and didn't see grandpa in the kitchen, he had forgotten his charger, and had saw me pin your dad against the door and kissing him." He looked over at Shane who was looking fondly between the picture and Ilya. "And your grandmother was terrifying. She looked like she was ready to kill me. Butits ok now cause now I'm favorite son." Irina laughed at that and Shane just groaned and shoke his head.
"You are not the favorite son." Shane said.
"yes I am yuna said so. Its probably because I actually help her and answer her calls." Ilya said back.
"whatever" Shane replied.
4.)
It was summer again and they were back at the cottage. He loved the cottage it was was the one place he truly got to relax and enjoy everything with out constantly worrying. Well except for the fact that he had an 11 year old daughter and they were on a lake.
But today, like every single other august 22nd, was off and just sad.
Year 24 without his mother. He has been in some way involved with Shane for 12 years longer then he knew his mother.
he has barely left bed, other then a few times to go to the bathroom, and he feels like a shit husband and even worse father. He knows he should get out of bed and at least go say hi but he can't even get himself do that. And his brain isn't helping.
Your just like her
Who wants a father who can't even get out of bed.
Your pathetic come on your real-
He's pulled from his thoughts when he hears a door creak and small footsteps come close. He opens his eyes and smiles when he sees Irina standing and looking at him.
"Hi papa." She looks so sad while saying it which broke his heart a little more so he pushed himself to at least sit up.
"Hi myalsh. I'm sorry I haven't come downstairs. today is just really hard for me." He reached out a hand and pushed a curl that fell out of the messy braid Shane had done behind her ear.
"its ok I just wanted to see if I could come lay down with you you for a little bit?" She asked and seemed nervous like she thought she was gonna be told no.
"come here." He responded lifting the covers so she could sneak under and lay on top of him. He placed the blankets back down on top of them. He gently tucked them up to her chin so she was warm.
"I'm sorry babuska isn't here I know you miss her." She said after a little bit.
"malysh it ok." He hugged her a little tighter.
"I feel bad I can't really be sad and miss her since I never met her. I feel like I am supposed to miss her and be sad."
That completely broke him because how could his baby ever think like that. He hated that she thought that.
He sat up a little and looked at her. "Oh solnyshko its okay to not feel like that. I wish you had gotten to know her. She would have loved you, she would bake with you and do crafts with you. You guys would have been best friends." He said honestly.
He wished his mother could see the life he had now. He had th most perfect husband and, if even possible, a even more perfect daughter. he had the perfect life.
+1)
Ilya walked down the stairs and around the corner into the kitchen where his daughter was making pelmini. The house smelt just like it would have when he was younger and his mother made the same dish. The smell of the different spices and the cooked meat mixing in the air.
He stopped in the door way and watched as his daughter hummed a old Russian song he sung to her as a baby.
He moves further into the kitchen and sat at one of the stools at the kitchen island. He watched in silence, surprised he hasn't been noticed, as she continued to stir the pot.
"HOLY SH-CRAP!" Irina yelled out when she turned and finally saw him.
"watch it you daddy will lose if he hears you swear." He said.
"I don't mean to! You scared me." She turned back to stirring the pot.
She looked just like his mother did when he was a child.
The tight long blond curls, the soft humming. It felt like watching his mother. His daughter reminded him so much of his mother. He wishes they had met.
He knew that if things had been different his mother would still be here. She would have been the one to teach his daughter to cook and bake, along with yuna of course. Taught her how to do all the fun crafty things she likes to do.
He wishes things were different. He wishes his mother hadn't been that sad. He wishes he didn't inherit that sadness. He hopes his daughter doesn't get the same sadness. He will do everything to protect her from it. He can't stand the idea of her feeling like this too.
She has so much of her grandmother in her. From they way she cares about everything, to the way she is stubborn when needed. They way she always helps people.or animals. The way she puts in the most effort.
Sometimes he wonders if she was sent from his mother.