Chapter Text
Robert had once told Aaron that he’d find a way to let the memories go, but the truth was that he’d just learned to live with them. Reluctant bedfellows in his crowded brain. Sometimes the memories were so quiet, Aaron forgot about them - for minutes, hours, even days at a time. More often, he brushed past them like strangers on the street, acknowledging their presence and going about his business.
On his worst days, they took over his mind like storm clouds, cracking through his head like thunder, so loud he hardly had room for anything else. On those days, they planted seeds that sprouted horrible doubts, disturbing images, dark questions. Intrusive thoughts, his old counsellor had called them. An invasive species.
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John never loved him more than during one of Aaron’s storms. When Aaron was raw and open and full of self-doubt, he would let John soothe him, care for him. Like he’d once let Robert soothe him, care for him.
Aaron shuddered now to think of how he’d been back then - of how easily John had taken advantage of him. Of how weak he must have been to let John manipulate him, dote on him, treat him like a child.
Now, the memories of John were kindling, triggers for his storms. Alongside hellish memories of Gordon, losing Jackson, losing Liv. A haunting for which Aaron knew there was no exorcism.
Robert had said Aaron would find a way to let the memories go, but Aaron knew the truth. He’d never be free of them. All he could do was pray for more days where he passed them like strangers on the street. All he could do was try his best to avoid getting lost permanently in the storm.
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There were ways, of course, of quieting the memories. Aaron’s body was littered with scars to prove it. He had a long history of hospitalizations and arrests, a deranged ex-husband, each a milestone on his lifelong mission to lock the memories away.
And then there was Robert.
Robert had been a ritual for quieting the memories all his own. A self-destructive habit that turned into a life, a mutual healing, a home. Robert, whose presence thrummed so loud within Aaron that sometimes it was still enough to keep the memories at bay. Robert who needed Aaron now in ways he hadn’t before, who sometimes made Aaron sick to his stomach with worry. Robert who couldn’t seem to help himself from bringing crisis after crisis to their doorstep, so real and immediate that Aaron hadn’t had time or space to focus on the memories for quite some time. Robert who Aaron constantly worried would disappear again before his very eyes.
Aaron worried about Robert now, as they sat on either end of the sofa, ostensibly watching the telly, but both scrolling on their phones. Victoria had called earlier and Robert had been quiet ever since. Aaron had tried to draw him out, get him to talk about the phone call, but Robert had just shrugged in that new, exhausted way of his and said, “There’s nothing to say, is there?”
Robert had always had moods, and it had never been easy to get him to talk about them, but there was a heaviness to Robert now that Aaron was still getting used to. That Aaron didn't want to get used to.
“Paddy’s invited us round for tea tomorrow, if you fancy it.” Aaron said, breaking a long silence.
“Paddy?” Robert scoffed, disbelieving. “Are you sure I’m meant to be on the invite?”
Aaron rolled his eyes. “He’s really grateful to you, you know," trying to make his voice sound extra earnest, “for everything you did to help Bear.”
Robert raised his eyebrows, looking at Aaron skeptically.
“Maybe he wants to make amends?” Aaron tried.
When Robert just continued staring at him, Aaron admitted, “All right, I want him to make amends and he agreed. So, what do you reckon?”
Robert laughed, “That’s more like it. Your lot only ever spend time with me under duress.”
His eyes were teasing, and he reached across the couch, bridging the gap between them to rest his hand on Aaron’s thigh.
“Is it important to you?” He gave Aaron’s thigh a gentle squeeze. “That we make amends?”
Aaron though about Robert, calling out to Victoria’s taxi, pleading with her not to leave the village. He thought about Harry and Diane and Andy. He thought about Seb. About everyone that Robert called family scattered to the winds. He thought of Robert being loved by no one but him in this village, and something tightened in his chest.
“I just think it’ll be easier if we all get on.” Aaron said, shrugging. “New chapter, and all that.”
Robert nodded, considering. “New chapter.” He agreed. “A free meal sounds great.”
He patted Aaron’s thigh once more before standing up and heading toward the kitchen. “Another beer?” He called.
“Yeah, go on then.” Aaron replied, contentedly typing out a reply to Paddy.
Robert was here, in their kitchen, getting him a beer. Robert was not, despite his best efforts, going back to prison. Robert was going to rebuild his ties in the village, even if Aaron had to force him. The worry in his chest loosened.
Aaron's phone buzzed - a notification from his photos app lighting up the screen. “New Photos Memory: On this day, May 11, 2025”
John swam up at him from the notification thumbnail like a ghost.
Aaron clicked the phone to black and felt his heartbeat quicken. Hadn’t he deleted all the photos of John off his phone? He clicked the phone back on, half hoping he’d imagined it, but there the notification still was. He and John, sitting on the couch in their flat, a picture taken by Victoria a few weeks before their wedding.
Aaron fumbled with his phone, typing his password in wrong four times before he managed to open the photo app and delete the photo, triple checking that he’d deleted it from the cloud as well. He exhaled and set the phone back down, his pulse refusing to slow. Seeing that photo without expecting it made him feel violated, exposed.
A familiar dread pooled in the pit of his stomach.
Why was he surprised? Hadn’t he known all along? Hadn’t he said it himself? You can’t burn memories. He would never be free of him.
“Everything all right?”
Robert was holding a bottle out to him, wearing concern on his face.
Aaron took the bottle, letting the cool condensation ground him, pushing down the rising dread. “Fine,” he said, forcing a smile. “Cheers.”
They spent the rest of the evening in easy silence, Robert turning in before Aaron to get an early start on the farm. Aaron followed shortly after, trying to shake off the last of John’s ghost and send the memories back to their corners. Trying to convince himself he didn’t sense a looming storm.