Archive of Our Own

The tiles on the floor were always coldest in the winter; but the twinge of chill on bare feet was always too tempting to pass up. Louis spread his toes out and leaned into the chill, breathing softly.

It was the only sound in the apartment this morning; Zayn was still sleeping. Visualizing Zayn all crumpled up in their bed with three thick, fuzzy blankets piled on top of him made Louis smile at the thought. And even though that blanket-stealer was the reason he woke up freezing his fingers off, it was nice seeing the sun rise from their kitchen window.

The morning was always one of Louis’ favorite times, even though he was hardly ever up early enough to enjoy them. Being the first person awake; the first person to hear the quiet rumbling of the kettle bubbling; the first person to press into the chilled floor… being alone. He pulled at the hem of his well-loved ‘The Fray’ shirt. Sure, the handiwork wasn’t the best, but he cropped it himself late last year after seeing something like it on the internet. Louis still loved it, and it felt great to wear what he wanted to.

Alone is when you can pretend the world revolves for you, alone is indulging yourself with comfort in knowing the air around you is light and warm with your presence. It’s a time Louis can feel at peace. A notification goes off on his phone and ruins his #fakedeep train of thought. Harry—of course it was Harry—had posted a picture on Instagram. Louis pushed his glasses further up his nose and unlocked his phone; fingers dancing across the numbers 8-2-11, to see the latest update. After they had lost X-factor, Harry started interning some fashion buyer and was always traveling. He rarely had time to talk, so Louis kept up with him on Instagram, where Harry frequently shared compilations of runway shows, snapshots of him singing with links to YouTube videos in the caption, and pictures of all the coffee runs he had to make.

“Home time” this caption said, with a drowsy—but well-dressed—Harry giving a thumbs up in an airplane. Louis smiled and closed the app to text Harry.

He then put his phone away and stirred his morning cuppa. He hooked his finger around the teabag and dunked it a few more times before inhaling deeply. It smelled earthy and bitter, perfectly steeped. Just a slip of milk, and he was drinking liquid warmth. He yawned and absently scratched at his stomach, thinking about his life. He was so at blissed out about everything right now, that he wouldn’t be surprised if his usual spit and vinegar didn’t kick in before 1 today. His phone buzzed again. As he picked it up, he noticed the date.

It’s been a whole year since he came out. It’s so strange how time slips away like that. Last year, today, he was in such a different situation, such a different mindset. He had known these boys for around 6 months, and already trusted them with his life.

Niall had been the first. He wanted it to be Niall, always happy Niall, to lighten things up. He’d watched as many videos as he could find about how to come out, and actually videos of people actually coming out and he knew he didn’t want it to turn into a depressing life documentary. Niall felt safe.
Because it isn’t depressing. It’s scary because you know it’s your true self you’re finally sharing. It’s exciting because you know the people you care about will finally know this thing that’s part of you. It’s scary because…

Well it doesn’t exactly matter how scared he was, at least not anymore.

It went well with Niall, anyway.

Next was Liam. Louis licked his lips with anxious thought. It still hurt. Even after a year of acceptance and validity with Zayn, it hurt. He dragged his nails lightly over the smooth countertop, pausing at the warm spot where his mug rested moments before.
He didn’t even remember the full conversation, but he had never been more scared in his life. Soft, calm Liam had morphed into this terrifying beast with a thousand eyes and claws that tore through the tendons of his quickly slowing heart. Louis touched his face. He never thought his friend would hit him like that. Well… ex-friend. Louis took another scalding mouthful of tea. He cried a lot that day. Tears of happiness, tears of fear, all just the water of confusion where his life took a long stop to drink it in.

Louis shook the past from his head and focused on the bracelet Zayn got him for his birthday. It was a light folded fabric that rested close to his wrist. Right now he was wearing it he/him/his blue, but if he flipped it over, it was a she/her/hers yellow. And opened, it was they/them/theirs green. He fondly remembered Zayn gently explaining to him how it worked before Louis excitedly cut them off when he figured it out himself.

His lovely guy was really the best he could ever ask for. They knew how nervous Louis was about seeing everybody last Christmas. After X-Factor fell through, the band had been apart for a while and Louis was anxious about Harry and Niall remembering to use the right pronouns for him. But Zayn had already sent out group texts and the next day went smoothly as a they/them green Louis happily celebrated the season with his friends. Thinking about it… today is a she/her/hers day. Louis flipped the bracelet to the soft yellow and smiled to herself. Lovely. Coming out to Zayn was the best decision she ever made.

Where Liam had been a burning cold, Zayn was a soft, glowing warmth.

She didn’t plan on continuing to come out after the red handprint on the side of her face left too much of a reminder how wrong she was. Louis reached up to open the blinds over the kitchen sink. The gentle sunlight caressed her cheek. Although very contrasting hot tears searing her skin a year ago, Zayn still found her the same way.
“Morning, superstar.” Zayn came up behind her to drape their arms across her and languidly whisper an ‘I love you, I’m so proud of you’ before cheekily taking a sip of Louis’ tea. They turned Louis around and hoisted her up onto the counter. A quick kiss to the chin and Louis turned her head away to laugh at her guy’s silly behavior. They must’ve woken up with the same thoughts as she did. One year ago today, back when Zayn found Louis in the X-Factor dorms, crying, too scared of the world to ever consider leaving that room.

“Lou?” Zayn intruded the space and little choked sobs quickly turned to silence.

“Leave me alone.” It was too late, Louis knew that. Zayn had already heard the tears. There was no point in fighting the sadness in her voice. They sat down on the bed, with their back leaning against Louis’, waiting for her to speak.

“I can’t leave this room anymore.” She remembers calmly explaining this, because, of course, it was an obvious fact.

“Hey now… It’s me Lou, it’s Zayn. You can trust me, it’s Zayn,” They turned to see if Louis was looking, but Louis was firmly staring at the wall, “Tell Zaynie what’s wrong.” The words took control of her mouth right then.

“No one is ever going to love me, I’m a- I’m a liar, I’m wrong, disgusting, I’m-”

“Who told you this? Why would you ever think that?” Zayn interrupted her, gently tugging her shoulder so she’d look at him.

“Liam li-li-li-li…” Louis tried to explain what happened, but the weight of the situation was so heavy on her tongue that it wouldn’t move. Or it could’ve been her crying again. She went back to her blank, safe wall. The bed moved and Louis heard Zayn leave the room.

“Zayn?” Louis turned to see them walking out the door. That’s it. They were leaving too. Louis ran out of tears as fears ran through her mind like monstrous animals. Her face grew stiff. Her mind went blank. She felt like a cloud full of rain, full of air and mixed charges. The door was open too much, the clothes on the floor were too messy, the ceiling lamp was swinging slightly from the fan, which chilled her to her teeth.

Light returned to the room with a bottle of water. Louis turned from them and felt a weight against her back again. The bottle rolled to her thigh from where it was dropped on the bed and she gratefully opened it to take a sip. Zayn didn’t leave after all.

“Are you okay to talk now?”

Louis made a noise of acknowledgement and took a deep breath. Without coming out, she explained everything. She couldn’t say it, she needed them to stay for a while.
“I don’t understand, Lou… why would he act like this? I thought we were all friends…”

The weight on her back one year ago felt the same as the weight in her heart as she looked present-day Zayn in the eyes with adoration. She kissed them back this time. They gave her hand a last squeeze before going to get out the cereal. Louis went to drink again, but found an empty cup and a sheepish glance from her guy. She leapt down from the countertop and opened the valves on the sink, moving through the motions that made the house feel like home. The drying rack had their matching mugs from yesterday and the black and white ones they chose the day before. Louis added the one in her hand to the counter collection, a blue Mystery Machine mug. Zayn would probably choose the Scooby-Doo mug if they didn’t already mooch Louis’ tea. The two of them met eyes again as she dried her hands.
“I’m happy today Zee. I never imagined it would feel like this.” Zayn smiled at that.

“I’m happy for you, princess.” Any other time, Louis would’ve rolled her eyes and called them a nerd, but today was different. They had remembered. 8-2-11. 8-2-12.
From the first time Louis had said the word ‘genderfluid’, Zayn had been there for her. And in the dorms, one year ago today, it wasn’t only Louis who came out. Together, they stayed up all night, joking, laughing, talking. Lights off, door locked, heart open. Zayn had never planned on coming out; they thought that no one would ever understand what ‘agender’ was or even ‘aromantic’. It wasn’t as essential to Zayn as it was to Louis, but they were both glad to have words for feelings and each other.

This morning; a year in the making, was a happy time for both of them. Zayn was a graphic designer; they got a job thanks to a family friend and is working full time on their own hours (which sometimes meant until they fall asleep at the computer). But Louis had a suspicion that they had pushed their workload onto a colleague so they could spend the day with Louis. The two of them had moved in together shortly after losing X-factor.
“We’re gonna have so much fun today, love; I can’t wait for you to see it all!” They shoveled another mouthful of cereal into their mouth. Louis noted that it’s been a while since they were this excited.

“Aw, you didn’t have to plan things babes.” Louis faux-complained but secretly she was elated. She was so content with her identity and the fact that her lovely number 1 was helping her celebrate made today even more astounding.

“I wanted to.” Louis practically swooned. Zayn cared so much about Louis, and although it wasn’t always so obvious, today the love she felt was almost overwhelming.
They shared a quiet love, mostly filled with snarky jokes and soft touches. It wasn’t romantic, but no one would call it platonic. But it was perfect in its’ little tremulous stability. They both understood what the other wanted or needed in any given moment. Whether it was venting, mindless 1v1 video games, alone time, or together time; all the time. They were just lovely and their friends thought so too. Harry, Niall, Zayn, and Louis were all great friends, sure—but Louis and Zayn were just that much closer, that much more together. They had this wordless understanding that came from deep within, just two hearts so alike and so vastly different at the same time. They were everything they wanted right now.

“Stop watchin’ me eat, I’m getting all creeped out.” Louis laughed, she hadn’t even realized that she was staring off into space in Zayn’s general direction.
“And go get ready, I wanna take you out to breakfast, then to some shops so you can pick out a present.” Louis rolled her eyes lovingly and walked off to their bedroom. Zayn never liked to buy presents if they could help it, they liked to take someone they loved out to a shop they liked. They liked seeing a person’s face glow with delight as their heart connects with something they see or taste. In this way, it became a present for both of them.

She had just taken off her ‘The Fray’ shirt when she saw it.

“Zayn! Oh my- ZAYN! DID YOU DO THIS?!” Louis picked up the t-shirt on the thoughtfully-made bed. A charcoal-grey graphic tee lay folded next to a pair of bright blue chinos (gifted from Harry last Christmas). She unfolded it and held it up excitedly, running her eyes all over it, taking in the small details.
The design was amazing (amazayn?), and it was very obvious Zayn drew it. It was so rad, with retro futuristic stylings. The main character was an astronaut suit, the head filled with a large heart and a small ocean, reached out for the words “Girl Almighty” while passing a spaceship deemed the “St. Louis” closer and closer. There was a skull with a mustache and a jetpack chasing the astronaut’s ankles, while a foreboding space-monkey held a ray gun in the opposing corner. Planets and stars in the background filled the black and white graphic; the bright yellow and blue accents emphasized so cool-y. She smirked at the appropriateness of the shirt and wondered if Zayn could see into the future.

By the time her number one had come into the room, cereal still somehow unfinished, she had put the whole outfit on and was admiring herself in the mirror. Zayn hugged her from behind, giving her cheek a little smooch while she laughed and grabbed them.

“Ready to go, lovely?”

“Absolutely, Zaynie.”
Hand in hand, both walked out of the small flat and down the 3 flights of skinny stairs. Zayn was in such a rush that Louis tried to go as slow as possible, pretending her foot was stuck in the concrete of the 2nd flight.

“Zaaayn…. Noooo…. I cant moooveee….”

“C’mon, yes you can.”

“My legs…. They’re stuck….”

“Do you need me to carry you down the stairs?”

At that second, the concrete gave and Louis wad perfectly capable of walking all by herself. She pushed on ahead of them and started to pull them along.
“C’mon then, Zaynie, stop being such a slowpoke!” Zayn laughed, poking and tickling Louis in her side, eliciting a bright, furious laughter (she’d never admit she’s ticklish).

Their apartment was fairly close to a few weirdly alluring secondhand stores, as well as an Asda’s, a local hardware chain, and a charming little bakery that had about 3 tables near the window for enjoying tea and pastries.

“It’s starting to rain.” Louis noted as they stepped outside together.

“It is.” Zayn held his hand out from under the apartment-front canopy to feel the typical English climate in all it’s glory.
Louis looked back onto Zayn.

“Are you going to get the umbrella?”

“I wasn’t planning on it.” Zayn flashed a smile at their number one. Louis nodded and took their hand from the rain and held it. She smiled too. She secretly loved the rain, even though she’d complain about it to any shop owner or friend in passing. They walked out into the soft haze of misty weather, and several blocks to the bakery.
While Zayn and her chatted about food (what else?), Louis’ mouth began to water at the prospect of the amazingly savoury sausage rolls. It’s the only food at that particular bakery that Harry wouldn’t swear he could recreate even better (don’t even get him started about how he used to be a baker…). Funny how he never actually created that stuff anymore, but the last time they had tried to cook together, Zayn had to quickly take over and make the samosas themselves.

Louis thought about how they constantly saved her from things. Between kitchen disasters, tea being on the top shelf when she’s feeling lazy, dragons, loneliness… okay, maybe not dragons… but her Zaynie should definitely be knighted because of their good deeds. She gave them a little kiss and they raised their eyebrows at her. Zayn grabbed the door handle of the bakery and gestured grandly for her to enter.

She laughed at that.

They certainly never bothered to save her from all the cheesy things that seemed to only appear in romcoms.

A bell twinkled behind the two of them and they were warmly greeted by the woman who owns the shop; nametag shining Cherry and boasting a motto about warm hearts and full bellies. Zayn cheerfully requested 2 teas and a few treats for the both of them. This made her laugh because they ordered 3 sausage rolls for her compared to just pairs of the pastries to share. Holding hands as they ate, the orders of sweet, fruity pastries and sausage rolls warmed Louis from the inside out. Sunshine slowly seeped into the air, as the rain disappeared and the road turned into a shining lake of stones and puddles. The two of them chatted more and smiled at each other while the rain slowly evaporated from their warm cheeks.

This was happiness for her.

Next on Zayn’s plan was one of the secondhand stores so Louis could seek out a present. While she insisted that the shirt and the company was gift enough, Zayn was adamant about going in this particular place. They exited the bakery and walked one block down to the old brick building that housed the vintage store. As Zayn held open the door again with a grin, Louis squinted at them slyly… It was almost as if they planted something… or they knew something was already here.
It didn’t really matter anyway; this shop was one of Louis’ favourites. The lovely old black man called Julian, who was at the counter, was the only employee in the tiny establishment had dreamed all of his life to open a store with beautiful, one-of-a-kind items, but life called him away from his passion and towards raising a family. His eldest daughter was the first in their family to go to college, and she became a very practiced neuroscientist. She bought him the shop as he was going through a divorce 8 years ago, but now he is happily in love with his boyfriend of 6 years. They adopted a huge golden retriever together (Apollo), who sweetly doted on every customer with big brown eyes.

The entire atmosphere felt safe and old. But it was old in the kind of way she liked; old like good memories and big oak trees.

She greeted Julian with a big smile and a “How was your day? (Wonderful.) How is your boyfriend? (He’s very well, thank you.) Is Apollo here today? (He’s right over here.)”. Louis had this down to routine. Julian would engage her with the stories of newly stocked thingamabobs and old clothing as she patted and kissed at Apollo, then she would browse said items and look at the things she loved but were too expensive or too large to purchase (including a carved whale skull that was from 1942. People had carved short notes into the bone, including original poetry and love songs, and sad, heartbroken laments. She noticed a few weeks ago Julian took off the price tag and just left it there because so many people loved looking at it. Mostly charming little Louis.)

But today was different. As she stroked Apollo and remarked how handsome he was today, she glanced up at saw it.

“Zayn! ZAYN! DID YOU PLAN THIS?!” She got up and quickly stepped over the dog, her hands reaching out for a pink leather jacket hung on the wall. Julian chuckled and looked at Zayn knowingly. These monsters were going to give her a heart attack.

She forgave them because the jacket was beautiful. It was a soft pink pleather, obviously well-worn. The lining featured a tiny blue floral printed onto silk with contrasting black cotton sleeve lining. Labeled with an obscure, dead, late-80s clothing manufacturer, the jacket seemed to be diy-ed by another person. It certainly wasn’t naturally pink, and the designs on the sleeve and back were hand-painted. White script connected the large "Love You" donned the right sleeve and the back was simply written "GOOD THINGS HAPPEN SOMETIMES" with tiny hearts underneath. Love at first sight. Self-love at second glance. She put it on with a huge grin. Perfect fit. Julian had his story smile on display, so Louis patiently waited for him to tell her all about it.

“You’ll have to be gentle with that. The paint might chip off at some point, so you should look into some preserving fluid,” Julian motioned for her to spin around, “Very nice, Louis. This jacket was owned by a very old transwoman who worked for equality up in Manchester. She died in 1996, and was buried alongside her 2 life-partners, whom she outlived. The jacket then travelled to a close cousin here in London, and eventually ended up at the shop after they explained they could not bear for it to sit in the closet any longer.” Julian let out a big belly laugh at that. “We all know how that feels, huh? Anyway, a friend of a friend of mine told them to have me take it in and I immediately accepted. Zayn came in a few weeks ago and told me I must save this. You’re a lucky one, that’s for sure.” Louis hugged Zayn and whispered “This is my present.”

“I know.” The snarkiness made Louis squeeze tighter. She grinned as he had the air knocked out of him. Zayn tried to pay Julian, but he refused.

“I can part with this one happy that I know you’ll treasure it and treat it right. See you next week Louis, and Zayn… come around more often, it’s always a nice visit.” Julian waved them off and they exited the store with Louis excitedly swerving in front of and around Zayn. She guided his hand over the softness in the jacket and then put it to rest into her own. Louis babbled about the coolness of the history of the garment and how they must get the preserving fluid for the paint; she googled where they could order it and what to use and texted the useful links to her lovely guy.

And in the moment she slowed down and looked at Zayn, it was because they had stopped. Their eyes were wide.

“Zee? What have you see-“ It happened in slow motion. She made eye contact with Liam across the road. No… no… Today? Why today?! He seemed to continue on without a second thought, but she… she was instantly floored. How had she gone a full year and became so, so happy just to have her stomach sink at the sight of him? Heat came to her eyes, and she felt betrayed by her feelings. Her whole face felt firey with rage and embarrassment and failure.

“ Z-ayn..” She didn’t know what else to do. Her emotions took over so strongly; she didn’t know what to think. From cheek to cheek, her whole face felt firey with rage and embarrassment and failure.

“I got you Lou, I’m here. C’mon, let’s go. Please Lou- let’s go.”

The cement was really strong this time. Her whole body wanted to run, but her legs were up to her knees in cement.

He was fine.

He kept walking without a second glance.

She just wanted to never see him again, was that so much to ask?

Zayn dragged her into the Tesco’s next door, and her legs followed them without further prompting. God, she wished they were home. The two mindfully walked over to the refrigerated section to hide out until she calmed down. The coldness mixed with all the brands to read and think about really cleared her mind. They strolled around there for a while, Zayn unapologetically texting the whole time, before politely buying some apple juice and heading home. After all, they couldn’t go to the store without buying SOMETHING… the cashier would’ve looked at them funny… Louis reflects on the cashier looking at her funny anyway, but Zayn was convinced she was trying to figure out what shade of lipstick Louis’ lips naturally were. That made her smile a bit, and the both of them held the grocery bag between them in affectionately embraced hands.

Back at her apartment, she was so glad to be home. Maybe she and they would watch a film together and eat and just nap the rest of the day away. Zayn handed her the key while he held the juice and she walked into the flat, fixing her fringe. In the motions of habit, she started to take off her beautiful jacket. And when she looked up? Two boys were standing there, smiling, waiting for her to say hi first.

“Harry?! Niall! Oh my fucking god—why are you guys here?”

“For you, of course!” Niall grinned wildly and looked over at Harry.

“We’re celebrating you today. We know your birthday always gets overlooked by Christmas, but I thought, ‘hey—coming out is kinda like a life-rebirth.’ Y’know, because you kinda start again when you’re out. You’re more you. At least, when I came out as pan, that’s how I felt. Anyway, we’re here to celebrate you!” After Niall applauded his soft, languid ramble, Zayn and the boys squished Louis into one large hug.

She lingered in the love for only a moment before she saw it.

“Is that a fucking cake?” Louis broke out of the hug and stomped over to the dessert on the breakfast bar. Sure, there was popcorn and sweets all over, but the centerpiece—with a huge decal of her face with little icing flowers around it, all the petals bright flag colours—drained all of her focus from anything else.

“Yup,” Harry loudly popped the ‘p,’ “Baked it myself.” Niall proudly patted his back and looked on at Louis. While Zayn let their hand rest on Louis’.

“D’you like it?”

“I love it.”

“Somethin’ else for the very special ladyy,” Niall sang as he picked up a little envelope sitting at the edge of the sink, “I picked it up while I was mixing it up across town.” Harry and Zayn laughed as Niall started to dj with the envelope. Louis laughed as loud as the both of them combined and took the envelope. The light green paper matched Louis’ manicure; that made her smile. Her lovely guy painted them a few days ago. She could bet money on the fact that Zayn and Niall had a few texts about this. Her fingertips slipped under the sealed fold of the envelope and swiftly destroyed it. All anticipation for what could be inside is suddenly swallowed up when she sees the edges of a poster. She pulls it out, unfolds it, and glances it over.

“Ok, I fucking love concerts, but I’ve never heard of any of these musicians.” Louis laughed and Niall grinned like he knew something she didn’t.

“I’ve played with a few of them, seen a couple doing their thing, and I just know you’ll love them. Here’s Gemini, Boy Kid Cloud, Xilent, Angel, and a few others I don’t know. But Gemini is really good, I’m sure you’ll love it.” Louis was getting more and more pumped for this concert. Niall was super into the music world still, even after X-Factor turned out to be a bust. He was a dj now, he did weddings and birthdays and small venues (He even did a funeral once, but that’s a longer story.) He mixed all sorts of stuff, and even has a bit of an online following. Louis was so proud of him; he’s even started using his own vocal samples.

“Anyway mate, it’s at this tiny venue called The Garage bit more downtown. And it’s tonight! I thought it was perfect.”

“Sounds great, Niall, ‘M buzzin’ already,” Louis gave him a little back pat, “Now let me at that cake.”

The four of them ate snacks (and plenty of cake) and joked about like they’d only been all together yesterday. They learned about Harry’s friendship oh-shit-was-this-a-date-? drama with some model living in Italy, and how Niall was super close to getting jumped by some guy before being rescued by this huge Hungarian man who worked security at The Garage. That’s actually how he found out about tonight’s gig. Louis talked about her life and Zayn talked about some wild commissions he’s received; including one for the client’s chowchow posed like Rose in the Titanic wearing Wonder Woman’s costume. According to Zayn, it was the best 75 pounds they’ve ever made. Louis showed the boys Zayn’s present for her and they all gushed over their work on the graphic t-shirt.

They all had a brilliant time. The concert was fucking rad, even though she knew nothing going into it. By the end of the night, she had plenty of discriminating bad dancing pictures for a year and plenty of stories to rave to her sisters (and her blog) about. Niall and Harry left after the set was over; both of them were very busy and had to be on the other side of London or the world for their jobs.

So, happily enough, Zayn and Louis went home. They immediately got into some pj pants and an old Doctor Who t-shirt (nerd) but Louis stayed in the gross sweaty shirt Zayn gave her and slipped on sweatpants just for comfy-ness. She flipped the pronouns over to he/him, just because it was more comfortable right now. Zayn smiled at him and flipped on the Netflix on their little tv. They watched a drama with Louis for a while, but got up in the middle. The light flopped on in the bathroom, but no door was closed.

What were they doing? Louis had to investigate. He walked in as Zayn was gripping the edge of the sink, softly letting tears roll down their face.

“My, my what’ve we got here zaynie? What’s these tears?” Louis tutted and pulled them in close, “c’mere babes…”

“I-I just wanted everything to be perfect for you.”

“It was perfect, you made it perfect. I don’t care that everything didn’t go to plan, I loved every second. You were there, supporting me, loving me… somehow you got Niall to keep a secret… you made me feel like royalty.” He pressed his lips to their forehead.

“You’re such a lovely guy… my lovely guy..”

“I love you, superstar.” Zayn wrapped their arms around Louis properly, hugging him with all their love.

“I love you too, would some nice, hot, sugary tea help?”

“Yeah.”

Louis watched as Zayn slowly sipped the comforting drink and looked on at Louis.

This is what life was. This is what life is.
This is what life was. This is what life is.
And, Louis hoped, this is what life will be like.