Chapter Text
Things had been going well for Regulus, amazing in fact… Okay that wasn’t completely true. The sadness had been slowly creeping back in, pushing him further and further down a hole he couldn’t climb out of; each time he got close the dirt would crumble and he’d slip back down.
Sirius had asked him if he was okay when he first started to slip; he’d lied of course, said he was fine and he was just having one of those days. But it wasn’t just one of those days or even weeks, he’d been like that for a month and it didn’t show any sign of stopping. Barty knew but Barty always knew, there was a quiet understanding between them that they were in this together.
He tried to keep a sense of normality, he’d read and talk to his friends, go on walks with Barty and Evan or watch crappy soaps on telly with Sirius and Remus through the week. They’d have their weekly dinners with the Potters and Regulus would pretend to laugh at jokes and answer questions when asked; he’d act like eating wasn’t tearing him apart from the inside.
Afterwards he’d excuse himself to the bathroom, locking the door and pacing back and forth, trying to stop the guilt bubbling up from his gut; forcing its way up to his mouth and threatening to spill. He’d look in the mirror and try to match the boy looking back at him - Regulus wasn’t sure who it was but they were an okay help. He’d return to the living room and act like nothing had happened.
☆☆☆
“Have you told Sirius yet?” Barty asked him one afternoon sitting in his room. He was always over at other boys house, Sirius hated it at first but then he noticed how different he was around Barty - more himself.
Regulus shook his head, pulling the sleeves of his hoodie over his hands “It’s not that bad, I can handle it”
“We both know that’s not true. It was only last week I was cleaning your cuts” Barty glanced at the desk drawer where he knew Regulus hid the small box with his tools in. “Can I see them?”
“Can I see yours?” They knew what the other meant, they’d always done it, compared who was worse off; Regulus usually won - he was a cutter and Barty burned himself and even then he didn’t do it that often.
They both pushed their sleeves up and put their scarred arms together, scabby lines and cigarette burns blended into white scars. They’d reach out and stroke the others arm sending shivers down their spines, the sting was a reminder that they were here and alive.
A knock sounded at the door making them both pull their sleeves down “come in” Regulus answered.
Sirius stood in the door frame smiling at the two boys “I’m making a fry up for dinner, Barty are you staying over tonight?” It was a stupid question really, Barty always stayed over.
“Yeah, it’s Friday innit” Barty twisted towards the door “I’m allergic to mushrooms”
“I know you are, I’ve been feeding you four times a week for like four years. I’ll shout yous down when it’s done.” He turns to leave, closing the door behind himself.
Barty had been a frequent visitor to their house since he met Regulus in year nine and Sirius could never get rid of him. Their parents had been arrested for child abuse when Regulus was thirteen and Sirius was the closest relative to take care of him. He had to move schools and pack up all his stuff into suitcases and bin bags. Living with his brother was fine it was everything else that sucked.
The two boys were utterly inseparable, they did everything together and if anything they did too much together. Sirius didn’t think it was healthy spending that much time together, especially due to both their unhealthy mental states and their tendency to have a knock on effect on each other.
“Are you actually going to go down for dinner today or will you pretend to be asleep or in the shower again?” Barty lay down on the bed, putting his hands behind his head.
Regulus thought for a moment then nodded hesitantly “They’ll be toast, I can eat that”
Dinner was a fight, it was always a fight nowadays. Regulus didn’t want to eat, Sirius and Remus would try to get him to eat then Sirius would get angry and they’d shout at each other, Barty would sit there like nothing was happening then Regulus would inevitably storm off to his room.
Regulus didn’t eat the toast, it was too hard and everything else was too greasy; if he ate it the feeling of it would cling to his lips and fingers and burn his insides.
“I’m not hungry” He watched Remus close his eyes and take a breath, knowing what was about to come.
Sirius looked up then down to Regulus’s plate of toast and one fried egg “Can you at least eat one slice of toast? Or you can have cereal instead?”
He shook his head, standing form the chair “I ate at school” they both knew he was lying, everyone at the table did but there was no point in trying to prove him wrong, he’d go on until you believed him.
“Okay, well that was six hours ago, Reg, you need to eat something else. Can you sit back down please?” Sirius put his fork down and gestured for him to his chair.
Regulus ignored this and took his plate into the kitchen, leaving it on the bench “I will later. I’m going in the shower”
This time it was Remus’s turn to try and convince him “Sit back down and have a bit of toast or something, then you can go upstairs”
Regulus didn’t let him finish his sentence “No, fuck off. Are you coming Barty?”
“Hey! Don’t swear at Remus” He heard Sirius shout through the doorway as he went back upstairs with Barty.
Barty sat on the toilet lid while Regulus showered, flicking his lighter on and off, listening to Regulus complain about Sirius. When he got out he had red scratches on his shoulders, Barty didn’t say anything - he never did - just passed him the sudocrem. He didn’t care that Regulus was naked nor did Regulus care that Barty was in the room; they’d seen each other in worse states.
He wrapped a towel around his waist, and turned to the mirror using a smaller towel to dry his hair. He couldn’t help but be proud of the way his ribs stuck out and the collection of ever growing scars decorated his arms; though his legs were far worse. Regulus pulled at his face, pale and tired, red scabs on his sunken cheeks and forehead from picking at the skin. He ran a hand through his hair and looked at the black strands that came out.
He was slowly killing himself and he couldn’t bring himself to care.
☆☆☆
“If I die will you kill yourself?” Regulus had whispered to Barty that night as they lay in his dirty sheets, they smelled like sweat and smoke, burn marks and blood stains littered the mattress and they had a Pringles lid balanced on a pillow to use as an ash tray.
Barty passed him the cigarette they’d been sharing “Yeah of course, you’re not leaving me here alone”
Sirius knew they smoked, he didn’t like that they did because they were sixteen but Regulus didn’t listen to what he said. He was a hypocrite anyway; Sirius had smoked since he was fifteen, he remembered their shared bathroom smelling of it when he was little.
“I’ve got cans in my bag, do you want one?” Regulus nodded, watching Barty stub out the cigarette and moving the makeshift ashtray to the bedside table. He got two cans of Strongbow dark fruits out of his backpack - they’d been in there all day and were warm now. “Are you going to eat anything?” If looks could kill Barty would be dead with the way Regulus glared at him “I’ll take that as a no then”
They sat facing each other, Barty leaning back on one elbow, leg stretched out and Regulus crossed legged and hunched over - almost in a ball. He plucked at the pull tab and chewed his bottom lip, obviously thinking.
Finally deciding on an answer, Regulus shrugged “I’ll go down after this” He held up the can “Make toast or something. No butter”
Barty nodded, taking a swig of cider and pulling a face “Fucking vile that like”
“Yeah I know”
A faint knock came from the other side of his door, then a soft “It’s Remus” Taking the silence as an okay, he came in and immediately sighed. “Reg mate, you can’t be drinking, you’ve had nothing to eat”
Regulus rolled his eyes and put the can on the floor “Is that all you came in for?”
“No. I came to tell you that Sirius has made you toast and wants to talk to you” he shot a look at Barty “He’s worried about you. We both are” He saw the way Remus’s gaze shifted to Barty’s arms; he’d taken his hoodie off, scars on display.
“Fine whatever. Barty stay here” Regulus stood up and pushed passed Remus who was still stood in the doorway - Barty stayed behind and lit another cigarette.
☆☆☆
Downstairs, Sirius sat at the kitchen table, a plate of toast in the middle presented like a peace offering. He watched Regulus sit in front of him and pushed the plate forward. “Talk to me. Please”
Regulus slumps down and crosses his arms over his chest, glaring. “I’m not eating that”
Sirius looks at his brother, no longer the little boy he left behind when he moved out to live with his best friend; but a sixteen year old who was a shell of the person he once was. Tired eyes, too pale and face littered with red scabs.
He took a deep breath thinking about how to approach the situation “There’s something going on with you but I can’t help you if you don’t tell me”
“There’s nothing wrong, Christ. If I eat the toast will you leave me alone?” Regulus answered in a clipped tone that made it clear Sirius wasn’t getting anywhere with him today.
“Fine, yeah, you’re eating it down here though”
Still glaring, Regulus picked up one of the four triangles and bit off the corner; he slowly got through the other three pieces after that. Since taking him in at thirteen, Sirius had noticed the strange way he behaved with food although he wasn’t surprised; they were raised in the same house after all and both knew their parents favourite punishment was withholding meals.
It was always bout control. The Black family was cursed to be insane control freaks.
“I’m going out tomorrow” not a request, Regulus was just telling him what was going to happen. He stood up and put the plate in the sink.
Sirius nodded “Okay. Where and with who?”
He roles his eyes “Are you the FBI or something? Fucking Hell” Sirius looks at him and waits for the answer “Stop staring at me, it’s creepy. I’m going with Barty and Evan - maybe Evan’s sister?, I don’t know where”
“Day drinking in a field no doubt. Is Lucius going to be there?” Lucius was Regulus’s ex-boyfriend who Sirius had never met but hated anyway. Ever since they got together he’d been acting off, even though they’d been broken up for a while. Barty didn’t even like Lucius and he worshipped Regulus.
“Christ, no. Can I go now?”
Sirius nodded and followed Regulus out of the kitchen, watching him go up the stairs. Sighing, he goes into the living room to sit with Remus - he doesn’t ask what’s wrong or how it went; he just hugged Sirius and told him it’ll be okay.
☆☆☆
Barty was asleep under the covers when Regulus went back to his room, it’s wasn’t that late; only just past nine but Barty rarely slept before three AM most nights.
He strips down to his boxers and t-shirt and climbs in next to him. Barty stirred for a second and rolled over, nuzzling into Regulus’s shoulder.
“Had some toast” Was all he said.
Barty nodded slightly “Well done star” he draped his arm over Regulus’s waist then mumbled “Don’t throw it up”
Regulus clicked his tongue, closing his eyes and leaning his head on Barty’s. He rubbed his hand up and down his arm, fingers skimming over small circular scars. The can he’d left on the floor had been moved to the side table; probably by Barty after he went downstairs, it’d gone warm and had left a ring of condensation below it, darkening the wood underneath. He picked it up and took a swig, it was still as bitter as before and if anything, worse due to the temperature, a drop of water dripped onto Barty’s shoulder causing him to stir and mutter something that Regulus didn’t hear.
He drinks until the cans empty, the taste clings to his throat and he feels the burn in his stomach - it really is an awful taste. The butter from the toast is still stuck to his lips, a layer of grease on his mouth and fingertips like a stain reminding him of the disgust and regret he felt. Eventually Barry rolled off him, giving Regulus the chance to get up and wash his hands and face.
As he stood and slid a pair of pyjama pants on, Barty lifted his head up from the pillow and muttered a quiet “Where are you going?”
Regulus paused at the door and answers quietly “I’m washing my hands” he lifts his hands for emphasis.
Barty nods and lies back down “Just leave the door open yeah”
The hardwood floor is cold on his bare feet, sending shivers up his spine. It’s later now but he can still hear the telly playing downstairs along with Remus and Sirius’s voices in quiet conversation, though he can’t make out what it’s about. He pushes the bathroom door open, avoids looking at the toilet and turns on the hot tap, after a while the heat finally comes through and he puts his hands under the stream - hissing when it hits his fingers - the burn being a welcome pain.
He picks up the small nail brush Sirius keeps on the side and scrubs at his hands making them red and raw; he moves onto his face next - wiping his lips roughly with a face cloth. The skin around his fingernails was bleeding and his lips had cracked from the force of the cloth causing a small drop of blood to trickle down his chin - he wipes it away with his thumb.
Regulus knows he probably won’t sleep tonight, his head was too loud. It was times like these when he really wanted to talk to Lucius but he knew he couldn’t, he was married now, it would be improper. Barty was asleep and he’d feel bad waking him up, same with Evan and he wasn’t close enough with Dorcas to call her over a minor issue like this. His last resort seems to be Sirius and he’d rather lick the ground than talk to his brother about anything emotional - so instead, he quietly grabbed Barty’s cigs from the side table and went downstairs, passed the sitting room and through to the kitchen.
Remus was stood at the sink when he went in, he was holding a glass of water and taking his night meds. “You okay? It’s late, I thought you’d be sleep” he put the glass down and turned to face him. Regulus didn’t miss the way his eyes lingered on his arms.
He shook his head “I’m sitting outside” Regulus held up a pack of cigarettes.
“Okay, are you sure you’re alright? Those look pretty new” he gestured to Regulus’s arm with a sad look on his face.
Regulus didn’t even bother trying to hide it or lie, he’d been doing it for so many years that they were more surprised when there wasn’t any new marks “I did it the other week. Barty took care of it”
Remus nodded, still with that awful sad look on his face “I think you know the drill by now, don’t you love?”
He rolls his eyes “Yes. You tell my brother, we have a family meeting and i get my door closed privileges taken away. Can I go outside now?”
“Not too late”
☆☆☆
When Remus returned to the sitting room, Sirius was flicking through the channels trying to find a film for them to watch, he smiled when Remus sat down, stretching his legs across the other’s thighs. “There’s nothing really on if you just want to head up to bad now?”
Remus took a deep breath and rubbed his hands down his face “Reg is cutting himself again. I saw it on his arm when he came down before, he said Barty took care of it”
Sirius blinked “Why didn’t he tell me? He said he would”
“I don’t know love. He’s in the garden, when I mentioned to him he didn’t seem to care - like at all. He knows I’m talking to you about it though”
“I’ve known Barty long enough now to know how much he cares for Reg. I don’t particularly like the kid but I think he’s good for Reg, he cares” he turned the telly off and stood up “You go up, I’m gonna go try and talk to him. I love you” he kisses the top of Remus’s head.
“I love you too. Good luck” Remus stood in the doorway, flicked off the light and kissed Sirius’s cheek. He knew he had no legal claim to Regulus but he still felt an enormous amount of love and care for him; he had helped with the transition of moving house, losing his parents and changing schools. Despite only being his brother-in-law, Remus truly felt like Regulus’s father and he knew Sirius felt the same.
☆☆☆
Regulus sat on a wooden garden chair, knees to his chest and holding one of Barty’s cigarettes. Sirius had taken a throw blanket from the back of the couch after feeling the draft from the back door; Regulus hardly looks up when he sits next him.
Sirius puts the blanket overtop of him and takes the cigarette - taking a drag “Smokings bad for you, you know” Regulus doesn’t say anything but he shifts in his seat, turning to face him.
‘’You started smoking at like fifteen”
“Oh I know, worst decision of my life” he took another drag and gave it back to Regulus “Remus spoke to me; I wish you’d talk to me about it but I’m glad you have Barty. I hate that you feel you need to do it and I hate even more that you won’t let us help you”
He pulls the blanket tighter around his shoulders and just shrugs “I don’t want help”
Sirius looks at his brother, the same boy he had to take to the hospital when he was fourteen after trying to slit his own writs, his little brother who didn’t talk for a month after being placed with him and had breakdown begging for everything to stop - that little brother was telling him he didn’t want help.
“You realise you’re slowly killing yourself? Regulus you need help, you can’t go on like this” Sirius leaned forward and looked at Regulus with pleading eyes.
He stood up and stubbed out the cigarette, passing the blanket to Sirius “I’m too tired for this, I’m going to bed. Goodnight Sirius”
He watched Regulus go back in the house and Sirius just sat there, not knowing what to do.
His baby brother wanted to die and there was nothing he could do but watch it happen.