Chapter Text
Its been a week since the False Exit Adventure.
Its also been so... quiet. Caine hasn't given a single adventure since. Probably better, given everyone's reaction to the last.
Pomni had only left her room once, and that was to check on everyone else. Godforbid someone abstract over her 'so-easily-given' trust. She'd just been doing that time and time again since she got to this digital inferno—first with Caine, assuming he'd let her keep Gummigoo, another with Jax, and lastly, Abel. There was an indescribable but nonetheless gut-wrenching guilt that came with getting up the hopes of her fellow cast. Every time she thought about it, a heartbeat would pulse behind her eyes, blinding and wet, and a shake would enter her hands, forcibly creeping up her lanky, stretchable arms till she felt like the rubber cartoon she appeared to be. A shake so overwhelming, it made moving even an inch bring a static-laced embrace upon her skull. So familiar, yet so distant.
The distinct, claw-digging feeling of shame. Shame only reserved for receiving disappointment. Shame that left a hopeless, mind-numbing, and self-loathing cascade of words trickle in and out of her thoughts.
It was almost nostalgic in a way, like an old friend whispering in her ear, telling her it was meant to be this way. What else did she expect of herself? She'd only ever brought disappointment with her. A change of scenery and lifestyle didn't change what was hardwired into her personality. Always the feeling of being inadequate. After all, no one dreamed of being an accountant of all things. Yet, after so many years of trying and failing to be something more with all of those degrees she'd stacked up in college, it was all she'd managed to scrap up. How sad was that? How sad was it to only be the court jester in the family? To be the one compared to cousins. Her parents—god she couldn't even remember their faces—what would they think of her now? How fitting, they would say. How... in character.
Guess it wouldn't matter now, would it? Even with all of her disappointing achievements, or lack-there-of, she was never going to get another chance to redeem herself. Wouldn't get to see those pitying looks on her parents' faces. Fuck, what she would give for another chance.
But no.
She was stuck. Here. Forever.
The longer she was here, the more she forgot about their faces. Her mother's left cheek mole. Her father's stubble and the smile lines under his eyes. Her little sister's button nose.
Her own face.
Did she always have black hair?
Or was it brown? Did she dye it?
How tall was she really? Sure, she was short in the circus, but surely that hadn't been the case in reality.
Was she thinner or more filled out? Was she toned, or soft? Did she even go to the gym that often?
Was there even a point in trying to remember?
Red and blue checkered eyes drifted sluggishly to a comically large analog clock that sat on one of the letter blocks near the bed. It was an old steal from some surprisingly tolerable adventure Caine made them go on a month or so back. Pomni couldn't recall what the damned theme had been, but everything was made in the style of a cartoon nightmare. It had been easy to swipe and toss it into an inventory with pockets she didn't even have.
11:64.
A Caine thing. He didn't like even numbers, so it was technically 12:04. Probably noon. Or midnight. Either way, late as hell.
Pomni needed to get up.
Even if the others didn't need her. Even if they'd made it this far without her.
Pomni sat up and nudged the red and blue striped sheets off of herself, legs tossing over the side to get off the bed. Why the hell did Caine give her such a tall bed and short body? She couldn't even touch the ground. Like a toddler.
If only abstracting was easy. If only she was a quitter.
Sliding off with a reluctance that matched her former life's version of bedrotting, Pomni padded to her door with sunken shoulders she hasn't had since she arrived, clicking it open and sliding out. Her right hand swiped at the light switch out of reflex, and the room behind her darkened in comparison to the hallway in front of her.
Her door clicked shut, cementing whatever decision she had come to in her mind. She wasn't even sure. She just had to get out of the electricity-buzzing silence.
The walk down to the circus lounge was nothing short of underwhelming. Just like you, a tiny voice whispered in her thoughts, like a gentle nudge at her depressive state. Crazy how one side of the brain wants you to live, yet the other insists on the opposite.
The others were out, Zooble lounging back with crossed arms and narrowed eyes, Gangle sporting a happy mask that was surprisingly still in tact while she drew with those ribbon hands of hers—how she did that was beyond Pomni's comprehension, Ragatha was sitting beside her and giving half-hearted compliments that seemed a little forced but no less genuine, and Kinger... well, he was staring off into space. Shocker. It was bright out, after all. No sign of Jax, though.
"I didn't take you for a stalker, Pommers."
Nothing more than a jolt ran up her digital spine despite how startled that voice had her. She'd gotten better at brushing off her nerves here, especially with him. No need to give him more metaphorical bullets to shoot through her battered heart. Still, a sense of dread dug in the pit of her stomach. There was no one she'd loathed coming into contact with more than Jax. Not because she dreaded his company, but because it was she that had practically begged for his involvment in the last adventure. It was she that had encouraged all of it. He probably hated her more than anyone else right now, and rightfully so. Pomni only wished he wasn't the type to dig in claws and squeeze out every ounce of disdain and embarrassment he could out of her. Naturally, though, no such luck ever held her in favor.
She didn't turn around. Maybe if she tuned him out, he'd go away. A terrible thought. She was better than this. Confronting problems was better than shunning them, but practicing what she preached had never been Pomni's best aspect.
"You know, it's rude to ignore people, PomPom." The voice was a little closer. He'd leaned down. Why couldn't he ever be a little more bearable for the rest of them?
Pomni turned her head to the left just a little, only to flinch again at how close he was. His chin hovered about two inches above her shoulder, but he wasn't even looking at her. No, he was looking at the group too, those pupils of his dilated like a threatened cat's, that usually irritating, piss smile nowhere to be found. Just a silent contemplation. It made sense, for him to be wary of being seen. He'd pressed the red button, after all. Chose to stay here against the wills of all of the others, even if leaving was never an option. And that's without mentioning the mask breaking during his rant at Caine.
She turned her head back to stare at the relaxed group of individuals. No doubt, they'd all helped one another cope after the last adventure's catastrophic outcome. If only she could have been included. It still weighed on her.
Another disappointment to add to the list.
Unfortunately, she had too much company to stew in her own shame. One Jax was too much company for anyone who wanted to be emotionally vulnerable.
After last week, deflection was all she had left. Hope was squashed under foot like an unsuspecting insect that was too small to comprehend the idea of a looming threat. "You'd think a jester could make herself laugh using a mirror."
A low hum rumbled near her ear, considering. "Well, if a jester makes itself laugh when being self-deprecating, there's some underlying issues of masochism. You a secret masochist, Pommers?" A finger jutted into her back a little harder than she'd have liked if she'd have liked such a touch to begin with, irking her immensely.
Still, her eyes didn't stray from the others. Tears were forming against her better judgment. She was getting better at masking, but she wasn't a professional, you know? With a trembling exhale, she turned and walked back down the hallway. She'd just make a circle to reach the kitchen. Crossing paths with the others surely would have undone her composure.
And of course, the digital universe, or fates, or whatever the fuck, clearly hated her, because now purple feet strolled beside her in her peripheral, clad in red overalls and everything.
Why. Just why?
"Go bother the others or something." Usually, she would have jumped in to redirect his torments, but she was not having it right now. Not now, when she was so close to breaking. It wouldn't help to snap. If she snapped, there was a chance she wouldn't stop, and she was not feeling in control enough to have an adult-to-child conversation right now, as it always was with the purple rabbit who intentionally asks 'why?' just to trigger the Im-gonna-wring-your-neck response.
And like the Jax-hole he was, he ignored her, instead opting to jab right into the gaping wound that ached in her heart, pinching and twisting. "Heard ol' Raggy sayin' someone's been all recluse. Feelin' down after you got everyone's hopes up, Pompeii?"
"Didn't think you listened in school enough to even know that happened." It was a weak retort, but she really didn't want to straight up dive into her trauma with the one guy who'd laugh in her face. Hell, he was mocking her for it already, and she had just woke up!
"I tend to listen when other people's suffering is involved. Brings a little warmth to my heart." Did this Jax-ass even have a heart? Well, at least he took the barely concealed bait out of the previous conversation. "But enough about me. Not feeling the pressure of social interaction? Or are you just too busy crippling under your sha-" Or not.
"*Bonk* it, Jax! Shut the *quack* up!" She hadn't meant to lose what semblance of composure she had left, but she'd been on edge all week, and that buzzing numbness was giving way to the only outlet she'd allowed it to have: pure, unfiltered rage. "Im not the one who pressed the button. That was you." She was better than this. Pomni couldn't let his incessant, intentionally triggering banter drive her over the edge. She shouldn't point fingers. All it did was hurt people, but goddammit, she was feeling selfish, had bent over backwards trying not to lose her shit, and he was hitting a little too close to home with the crippling shame comment. She had spun on him now, one red and yellow gloved finger digging into his... fluffy chest. Stupid rabbit. Not the time. "And for your information, the only reason I'd possibly be so recluse is to avoid *boink* like this, and people like you!" He'd backed up, if just to escape the abrupt switch-up in confrontation, but Pomni wasn't having it. Today was not the day, and she was not in the mood.
Jax's pupils had shrank to points in alarm as he stared down at the tiny jester. With ears pinned back, he tried to regain what little of a sharp smile he could to dissuade her undeterred anger. "Woah! Pommers, Pomni, PomPom, calm your bells-!" Jax sucked in a breath as his back hit the wall, both figuratively and literally. She looked ready to strangle his ass. His hands were up now, too, almost placatingly, in another attempt to calm the whirlwind of aggression that was Pomni.
Even when watching her hold her breath, he'd never seen the pleasant shade of red that accompanied her explosion, at least, not on Pomni. Ragatha? All the time. Zooble? Usually while flipping him off. But Pomni? Damn. It was such a realistic hue, he would have swore it wasn't digital if not for who it was found on. A little darker near her ears and eyelids, that mouth pulled back in a vicious snarl, and those pinprick eyes? What a sight. He'd never gotten such a deliciously angry reaction out of her, not even during their fight after the gun adventure.
Mesmerizing...
That exit one must have really fucked with her if she was losing her cool this bad. Pomni had dragged all of them into it, at least from his perspective, so there was no telling what thoughts were going through her head after it turned out to be a bust. He could see how she'd feel the most shame, even if the others would never blame her. At least, not like how they blamed him. Always him.
He still couldn't comprehend the fact he'd almost believed the entire fabrication.
Oh shit, she was still talking.
His eyes snapped up to her eyes, only to catch the short glimpse of recognition in his shifting attention. Wait, where had he been looking?
Pomni scrambled in the opposite direction just as fast, taking two- no, three steps back to escape his occupied circumference of space while her hand jerked up to press into the back of her neck and rub the skin there unconsciously. If he didn't know any better, he'd think the proximity made her nervous. Obviously, he did know better, though. She just didn't like physical contact. Exactly why he'd made sure not to touch her earlier while sneaking up behind her as she so rudely stalked the others. It was also why he'd jabbed her in the back to get her attention on him when she ignored his obvious and most gracious attempt at light conversation. Not that he cared for her attention specifically. Honestly, she should be grateful he even bothered making small talk.
Those dual colored eyes shifted away from him, and she was walking again, shoulders sunk back where he'd seen them when she left her room earlier—not that he was watching. He wasn't a stalker like some people. No, he was just... aware of the door across from his opening, and well, of course he'd taken the opportunity to torment her while she was alone. The best targets were those separated from the herd! He wasn't trying to check up on her or anything. That'd be ridiculous. No, he was just...
His focus followed her until she turned the corner, right foot tapping the ground faster and faster as she got farther away. The moment she was out of sight, he was already half-way down the hall after her. Long legs and all of that.
It would be a shame to let all of the perfect material for ridicule he culminated up over the last few days for his favorite jester to go to waste, right?
Besides, he was bored, and Caine hadn't given them anything to do. None of the others were giving solid reactions, especially not like that.
He couldn't resist.