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"Hey, we're home," Eddie called as he opened the front door. Chris followed in behind him.
"Dad, can I play video games? I already did my homework."
"Sure, bud," Eddie said, peering into the living room and clocking Buck sleeping on the couch. "Headphones on, though. K? Looks like Buck's asleep. We should let him rest."
Eddie checked his phone in the entry hall. A voicemail from Chris' school with announcements, a text reminder about therapy, the new monthly schedule for clubs on one of the million apps the school requires, and 5 different TikToks Buck managed to send before he passed out on Eddie's couch.
Eddie shook his head with a laugh as he emptied his pockets. First keys, then pocket knife...his wallet was in his hand when he heard the unmistakable sound from the living room that made his heart stop.
He didn't hesitate. Maneuvering around the furniture, he tossed his wallet on the table, trying to decide in the moment what his best option was. They were both used to each other's nightmares by now. Eight years of passing the trauma baton would do that to anyone as close as they were. Buck's breathing picked up, flinching at a threat that no longer existed.
"Hey, Buck," Eddie started, gently, as he leaned down, "It's okay, you're home. You're safe." A mantra they had both clung to recently. The monsters of their past were never truly gone; the trauma existed, proof of wounds still present, but the truth was they were home, and they were safe. He put one hand on Buck's shoulder, strong, solid, bracing for impact in case Buck comes out of this nightmare swinging. His other hand, however, is gently placed on the nape of his neck without a second thought. It instantly pulls Eddie back to that godforsaken day in the desert.
You're gonna be okay. You gotta be okay.
"Eddie?" Buck's sleepy voice brought him back to the present. He could hear the tinge of panic in it that he was pretty sure most would miss. He recognized almost immediately that he was being scanned for injuries.
"It's me. You're safe." He relaxed slightly. "Having a bad dream." Eddie tried to make it sound casual. Buck didn't buy it. He sat up, and Eddie gave him space to do so before taking the place on the couch where Buck's legs had previously been.
"Chris?" Buck asked, worry now prevalent in his voice.
"In his room, he already has the headphones on." Buck seemed to relax at the confirmation. Chris never in a million years would mind being interrupted with Buck, but he still didn't seem to notice that. Eddie knew it would be useless to try to convince him once again. "Wanna talk about it?" He offered.
Buck offered a noncommittal noise and a shrug.
"It was stupid."
Eddie shot him a look with his eyebrows raised. A challenge. They've been through this before. Buck sighed.
"I was back in that damn shed..." He wasn't looking at Eddie anymore, but Eddie was watching him closely. "It played out like it did in reality at first, them panicking, me begging, hearing that gunshot and not knowing if they had killed you."
Eddie's hand slid from the back of the couch to Buck's shoulder, a silent reminder that he was right there with him. In LA. Safe. Not buried in some shallow grave in the middle of nowhere.
"When I got out, though, it changed. We were back at the intersection. You were shot, bleeding out. I couldn't stop-" His breath hitched, and he was staring at his hands now, expecting them to be covered in blood like they were that day.
Eddie felt his stomach turn. He hated how much they had been through. He hated that he couldn't stop either of them from going down these roads when the nightmares took control.
"You did, though." He ignored the way his voice cracked with emotion. "You did. You saved my life that day, and you saved my life in the desert."
Buck looked at him, then, confusion clouding his features.
"You're the one who committed multiple crimes to get to me."
"Yeah, but had you not tased him when you did, they would have killed me, or I would have killed them, probably both. You fought to bring us both home."
Eddie knew the guilt of offering himself up was still eating away at Buck, but he couldn't honestly say he wouldn't have done the same thing, so he hadn't held it against him. Buck just nodded, but stayed quiet. Eddie watched Bucks' head tilt to the side a little as he chuckled.
Not what he was expecting.
Before he could ask, Buck pointed at Eddie's wallet that had been tossed on the table.
"Where'd you get that?"
The question came in a tone of genuine curiosity, but Eddie knew better. Buck was referring to the small sticker on Eddie's wallet—a heart with a distinctly black, purple, gray, and white pattern.
He shrugged, picking up the wallet and smoothing down the faded sticker a bit. "Chris gave it to me." He supplied, casually, only looking back up at his best friend when his answer was met with silence.
"Um, buddy, I think your kids fucking with you," Buck said, chuckling again with gentle amusement. He leaned over closer to Eddie to get a better look at it. Yeah, that was exactly what he thought it was. He looked back up, surprised to see Eddie's brow furrowed in confusion.
"Really? He seemed to know what he was talking about, but to be fair, there were like 25 different ones on the sheet, so I guess he could have mixed them up."
Buck bolted back upright.
"What do you mean?"
Eddie glanced at him, noting the serious tone in his voice now.
"There were like 5 of them at the house working on some club project. They started asking me questions about relationships, how you know whether or not you love someone, basic curious teen stuff. One of them was trying to work out if they were gonna ask out another kid they liked. I was honestly just trying to be helpful. You know how Chris has been lately, I was surprised they even wanted my opinion, honestly." Eddie only stopped talking when he realized Buck seemed to be having a hard time processing this story. "What?"
"So you're telling me," Buck had now turned on the couch to face him directly, "that these kids listened to what you had to say about relationships and then Chris gave you this as a response?"
"Yeah, why?"
"And you understand that this is a Pride flag? Like....PRIDE?" With the last word, Buck made the motion of a rainbow. Eddie grinned, amused now.
"Yeah, I kind of got that from the project they were working on. You good?" In all seriousness, Buck looked like he was about to have a panic attack.
It wasn't that Eddie had purposefully not come out to Buck, or anyone really. It wasn't his fault that his son had made it seem so anticlimactic that the reaction had carried over to Eddie's personal thought process. His therapist had called it growth. Eddie hadn't really known what to do with that.
"Just give me a sec, having a bit of an identity crisis," It came out like he was trying to crack a joke, but it just piqued Eddie's curiosity.
"I got assigned a pride flag, and you're the one having the identity crisis?" He laughed.
Buck just stared at him. Yes, he absolutely was having an identity crisis. He had spent the better part of two years adamant that he wasn't in love with his straight best friend. However, his best friend wasn't straight. His best friend just required a strong emotional connection to be attracted to someone. A strong emotional connection, like what they had built over the last 8 years? A strong emotional connection, like co-parenting a child? A strong emotional connection, like repeatedly saving each other's lives?
When Buck had come out to Eddie, he had said it didn't change anything between them. What if it truly hadn't? But not in the way Buck had thought that line meant in the moment. What if it had been because whatever they were to each other was always just right here in front of them, and both of them were too stupid to see it?
But what if Buck was reading this wrong? Eddie clearly hadn't mentioned this development to Buck, his best friend. The sticker had been worn down. When had this even happened? Buck paled slightly. He was letting his emotions get the better of him. This was stupid. Eddie wasn't in love with him. Eddie couldn't be in love with him. This sticker didn't change that. Of course, not. And here was Buck making his entire coming out about him and them and what they could be. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.
"Buck...talk to me. You are visibly spiraling, now."
Buck shook his head, forcing a laugh and plastering the fakest smile on his face.
"Sorry, just processing. This is huge, dude. I'm proud of you. Seriously. Just threw me off, I guess."
Eddie took him in, noting every single red flag the man was giving off.
"Nope, try again."
Buck groaned, falling back on the couch dramatically. He took a couple of deep breaths. Eddie just readjusted, getting comfortable while he waited for the blonde to gather his thoughts. Buck was still staring at the ceiling when he spoke.
"Just out of curiosity, when I get to the 100th act, do I get balloons? Is there a cake or something?" His voice was quiet, defeated. Eddie was just confused.
"What on earth are you talking about?" Buck sighed again, this time turning a light shade of pink.
"You know, trials and tribulations...we've gotta be near 100 by now. New Mexico should count for at least 3 acts on its own."
Buck wasn't looking at Eddie, so he missed the tears gathering in his eyes.
"Buck," His voice broke, and he cleared his throat quickly, blinking back tears.
"No, Eddie, it's fine. Really, I know I'm too much. It's nothing new."
"You're not. No, stop. I need to say this." Eddie sat up straighter. "You need to hear it. I was projecting. I was mad at myself for always pulling the rug out from under anything good. I was mad at myself for not being there. I'm so sorry. I swear I never meant it. You're not too much. I never should have said that. You need to know that." He was stammering, but having his words thrown back at him threw him off. Had Buck been carrying the weight of that fight around this entire time? Of course, he had. This was Buck they were talking about. It looked like Buck was personally dismantling a long-standing wall inside his brain. "You have to believe me, please? I'm so sorry."
He just nodded, slowly. Eddie studied him again for a few moments before accepting that. The two probably owed each other an honest conversation regarding their late captain, but it didn't seem to be the right time. Eddie, for one, knew he didn't have the energy for it right now.
"Good." A beat of silence, and then "wait, why did you think I was going to accuse you of making this about yourself?" Eddie asked, struggling to get back on track.
Buck winced.
"Let's just say your words aren't the only ones that get stuck in here." He tapped his temple. "It really is stupid. We don't have to get into it."
"No, I want to. If it's bothering you, let's talk about it." Eddie didn't even hesitate. This was a newfound rule the 118 had established when Buck was recovering from his dependency issues.
Talk whenever they can. At least get it out there. No expectations of fixing it, but giving the problem a name and then going from there.
Buck took another deep breath. He was back to staring at the ceiling, so Eddie matched his position. Their arms were barely touching now.
"I think it's safe to say I didn't take the whole moving to El Paso thing well..." He started, making Eddie laugh. "No, I'm serious. You can ask Ravi. I was a menace." Eddie would definitely have to do that. There had to be a story there. Buck covered his face with his hands, pushing his palms into his eyes, as he groaned. "I made the regrettable decision of getting back with Tommy...only once...shut up, I know. Lesson learned, I swear."
Eddie's eyebrows were practically in his hairline. Why the ever-loving fuck were they discussing Tommy of all people? He did his best not to react too harshly. He wanted Buck to get through whatever he was clearly struggling with.
"He tried to tell me the only reason he was interested was that he heard the "competition" was out of the way. When I realized he was talking about you, I didn't exactly mince words. I didn't just stop at the fact that you were straight, though. Which, obviously, now I realize, isn't even true. I really went in on him. I was just so pissed that he would try to twist your leaving into some good omen for him and me to be in a relationship. Then, when I told Maddie about it, she just looked at me like I was an idiot. I told her I didn't understand why everyone seemed so dead set on me falling into this trope of coming out and then being hopelessly in love with my straight best friend."
"The one who isn't straight." Eddie nodded in understanding. Now he understood where the identity crisis piece had come into play.
"Yeah..." Buck fell silent. Eddie assumed he was just now realizing how he had probably unintentionally spilled his guts.
"So, I have a question," Eddie started, only continuing when he heard a small hum from Buck, so he knew he was really listening, "And I'm new to all this, so let me know if I'm totally off base, here...but if you've been getting called out about us and your only rebuttle has been that I'm straight...which I'm not..." He's asking slowly, mostly out of nerves, "and when I get called out about us, I...never really correct them...where does that leave us?" Eddie leans his head over to move from staring at the ceiling to check in on Buck, who is now staring at him with his mouth hanging open.
"What do you...umm...when did...I mean, who?" Yeah, Buck was definitely struggling to keep up here. Eddie cracked a smile.
"My sisters, like half of the PTA at Chris' school, and I'm pretty sure the only reason I almost caught felony murder charges in New Mexico is that it's always the spouse. I mean, those guys were all bigots, but I think it still counts as getting called out."
"And you..."
"Not even once." He sat there quietly, watching as Buck thought it through.
"You're serious?" Eddie noted the tinge of fear in Buck's voice.
"I think it's always been us, hasn't it?" He paused, "I think Bobby knew." He admitted quietly, "I think it's why he sent us to Nashville."
Maybe it was just Eddie hoping. They'd never know for sure, but it was a nice thought, nonetheless.
Buck's eyes filled with tears.
"Come here." Eddie moved, lifting his arm and pulling Buck towards him, so that Buck was now leaning on his shoulder. They both sighed contentedly into each other, Eddie running his fingers through Buck's curls softly.
They sat like that, enjoying each other's company in comfortable silence for a while before they heard Chris coming down the hall. Eddie didn't budge, so Buck chose to follow his lead, ignoring the nerves in his stomach.
"It's about time," Chris grumbled as he came around the couch.
"What?!" They both laughed at the same time. Buck noted that Eddie still had not moved his arm from around him.
Chris just stared at them.
"Can I at least be the one to update the group chat?"
"Your friends are going to want an update on this?" Eddie asked disbelievingly.
"I mean, yeah, but the 118 group chat is the one where Uncle Chimney promised $100 to whoever broke the news first."
Buck laughed out loud at that.
"Can we order pizza?" Chris was already making his way to the kitchen. Eddie and Buck looked at each other.
"If the kid just made $100 off of us, he's buying."