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The man is in the woods. He blinks his eyes and finds the world coming into a sort of focus. He is in a clearing in the woods and he isn’t alone.
There are two children, a gopher looking guy and an old man. The old man hugs him and it feels both right and wrong. They lead him trough the woods to a house.
”Hey, this is a real nice place ya got here”, he says, one child holding each of his hands.
”It’s your place, Grunkle Stan”, the boy says.
”Don’t you remember, even a little?” the girl says.
”Nope”, he says and ignores the pig running at his feet. ”But this chair hugs my butt like it remembers.”
It really does. This ain’t too bad, he could live like this. There’s a house and a chair and… people… He opens his eyes to see the four other people in his little world look at him. They look sad.
”Hey, why the long faces? You guys look like it’s someone’s funeral.” A pause. ”Who’s that big guy crying in the corner?”
And the guy is very much crying, big fat tears rolling down his face. Yeesh, he’s glad he’s not a part of whatever happened here.
”He saved the world but what’s the point? Grunkle Stan’s not himself anymore.”
”There’s gotta be something we can do to jog his memory!”
”There isn’t. I’m sorry. Stan’s gone.”
”I know my Grunkle is in there somewhere! There’s gotta be something around here that can help bring him back!” The little girl exclaims and rummages through the junk littering the floor. She suddenly picks up a book and jumps into the chair beside the man. ”This’ll work! This has to work!”
She begins to tell him all these crazy stories about her summer. She’s Mabel and the boy’s Dipper. The guy is Soos and the old man is Stanford. Mabel, Dipper, Soos, Stanford. He repeats the names in his head like a mantra. Mabel, Dipper, Soos, Stanford. The pig is Waddles, the house is The Mystery Shack. What happened was Weirdmageddon. Mabel, Dipper, Soos, Stanford, Waddles, The Mystery Shack, Weirdmageddon. He doesn’t know a lot about the world – he doesn’t know anything about anything actually – but a lot of it seems crazy. He is… Stan. He doesn’t feel like a Stan. What are the odds that he’s called Stan and the old man is STANford? And that’s supposed to be his brother. He isn’t buying it, but he listens anyway. The kids are really animated, real high energy, while they’re telling him all this.
”Heh, you crazy kids”, he says. ”You sure know how to tell a story.”
”It’s not a story, Grunkle Stan”, Mabel says.
”All of it happened!” Dipper says.
”If you say so”, he says and ruffles the boy’s hair. The girl looks sad so he ruffles her hair too.
”Kids,” the old man says. Stanford. ”All of his memories got erased. There’s nothing to bring back.”
”Then we’ll just have to remind him who he is. I won’t let you down Mr Pines!”
He doesn’t know who Mr Pines is but he guesses that might be him. Anyway.
”So, what’s happening later? You guys staying here? Do I have somewhere to be?”
He’d like to know the answer to those questions and many more. The problem is that he doesn’t think these people are telling him the truth. He’s called Stan? Alright, maybe there’s a world where that could be true. There was an apocalypse? Alright, seems reasonable. HE stopped the apocalypse? Nah. He’s got a brother, niece and nephew and whatever Soos is and they all care about him? They think he’s a hero? No way. He may not know much about himself but he knows that much.
”You’re also staying here, this is your house”, Dipper says.
”I own a house?”
”Well, it is my house…” Stanford says. ”But you’ve lived here a long time!” He adds on when the kids glare at him.
Interesting. There something about Stanford that unsettles him. It’s like he wants something from ’Stan’, but at the same time he hates him. Yeah, that’s the word. Stanford hates him. It feel right, like something clicks into place. Stanford hates him.
Later that night when the kids have gone to bed, he’s in the kitchen with Stanford. Soos has also gone to his own home.
”So, what really happened?”
”What do you mean? The children told you everything.”
”Yeah, yeah”, he says. ”But you’ll tell me what actually went down.”
”Stanley, that is what really happened. You have to believe me.”
”Stanley? I thought it was Stan.”
”Your name is Stanley but you go by Stan.”
”That’s cute”, he chuckles. ”Stanley and Stanford.”
”Well, yes, you could say that”, Stanford says. He looks a bit dismayed.
”Alright, Stanford. I can play along for the children, but if you don’t tell me what’s really going on I’ll jump ship right now.”
”’Jump ship’?” Stanford looks at him with wide eyes. ”Do you remember?”
”Remember what? It’s an expression, right? Seems like an expression.”
”It is, Stan, it is.”
After that, they head their separate ways to bed. Well, Stanford has to show him to what is supposed to be his room, but then he’s finally alone. Time to get down to business.
***
He doesn’t get much sleep. He finds out a lot of information and he also looks in a mirror. Stanford really must be his brother because they’re the spitting image of each other. At least face-wise. He has a lot of names: Stan, Hal, Steve, Andrew, Stetson, Panley. He has a lot of scars and a lot of aches. He supposes he will go with Stan for the time being, since that’s what the only four people he knows are calling him.
When Stan wakes up, for a moment, he’s as lost as he was when he woke up in the forest. Then the meager memories come in. It feels empty. He’s lived one day that he remembers, but his body tells the story of a whole life. A life he knows next to nothing about.
Stan steps out of the room and finds his way back to the kitchen. He’s glad he remembers that at least, but it’s hard to forget when it’s one of the only memories he has. Stan doesn’t know much about amnesia and he doubts he did before he lost all his memories either. He’ll just have to deal with it. He has a feeling he’s used to doing that; dealing with stuff.
”You’re up.”
Stan startles at the voice and flinches away when he turns around to see Stanford. He has a strong premonition that Stanford will hit him. His hands come up in front of him without him even having to think about it. Seems like a strong instinct.
”Stan”, Stanford says and he looks… sad. Stan lets his hands fall down.
”Uh hey, Stanford. Sorry bout that.” Stan wills his hands to stay at his sides but he refuses to turn his back against the other man.
”Are you… alright?”
”If you’re talking about my memories, I’m just as amnesiac as I was yesterday.”
”Did you think I was going to hit you?”
Stan gets the feeling that Stanford doesn’t like that.
”Nah, you just startled me.”
”Okay”, Stanford says. He doesn’t seem entirely convinced. Eh, can’t win ’em all.
”So how do you make coffee in this house?”
They drink coffee together while the sun rises over the treetops. It’s awkward. This Stanford guy, he’s not very socially talented. Maybe that’s just cause he’s talking to Stan though, who’s to say. The kids come down for breakfast and Mabel begs him to make Stancakes, whatever that is. Then he gets to make a memory he’ll treasure for as long as he’s able to: the kids help him make pancakes. It does come easy to him, so maybe there is still hope. But Stan’s not a person who believes in miracles. He learns this about himself. Then he spends the day with the kids leading him through the house and telling stories about what he used to do. Stan already feels like he’d do anything for these kids. Do they know about his other names? About his scars? He doesn’t want to ask in case they don’t know.
***
He corners Stanford again.
”Is Stanley my real name?”
”Yes?” Stanford answers. ”Your name is Stanley Pines.”
Stan steps closer and lowers his voice. ”Look man, seems like you’re the guy in charge here. What’s your goal? What do you want from me?”
”Stanley, I don’t want anything from you. I want to be your brother again.”
”So you weren’t my brother? Then who are you?”
”No, I am your brother. We were apart for a long time.”
”Why?”
”That’s… complicated.”
”Right”, Stan says. Stanford doesn’t want to talk about their past.
Stan starts to keep a list.
1. Stanford hates me
2. Stanford doesn’t want to talk about our past
Stanford is a weird man, that’s for sure. What in the world does he want with Stan? That’s the mystery Stan is trying to solve. He falls asleep in the armchair.
There’s a gun in his face. There’s fire all around him. He was good for something after all.
He wakes up with a coldness in his gut. Maybe there was some truth to the apocalypse story after all. At least the last part of it. He tries not to flinch when he sees Stanford watching him.
”What did you dream about?”
”Um”, Stan says. Stanford is pointing a gun in his face. Stanford steps closer.
”Was it a memory?”
”I wouldn’t know, would I?” Stan grumbles. For the first time since he came to in the woods he feels something like anger. Who does this guy think he is, pointing a gun in Stan’s face and demanding to know what he’s dreaming about? Good for something after all. But maybe Stan has no right to be angry about that. So he steels himself and says: ”Sorry.”
”No, I’m sorry Stan”, Stanford sighs. ”I shouldn’t have pushed you.” He still looks expectant though.
”You were abut to shoot me in the face.”
Stanford doesn’t look happy about it but he doesn’t deny it. ”Yes, that would be the memory gun.”
3. Stanford shot me in the head
”So you did shoot me? Yeesh, you really do hate me”, he laughs.
”Hate you? Stanley, I don’t hate you. Why would you think that?” Stanford steps closer. Stan can’t see if he has a gun under that trench coat but he probably does.
”Oh, uh.”
Stan doesn’t notice his hands coming up to shield himself until he notices Stanford looking. He quickly lowers them back down.
”It just… But you don’t! That’s great. Who woulda thought!”
Stan is afraid of Stanford. He’s loathe to admit it even to himself, but it’s true.
”I have never hated you, Stan. Please tell me what I did to make you think that.”
”Well, Stanford,” he says with feigned confidence. ”You don’t just shoot someone all willy nilly. But I sacrificed myself, right? I probably have you confused with another guy who hates me. I bet there are a bunch of those running around, huh?”
Later, Soos comes back. He has a girl with him. She’s called Wendy and apparently works for Stan at the Mystery Shack. He likes the Shack. It’s just the right amount of weird and he couldn’t help but laugh at what the kids told him he’d tell the tourists. Stan feels at home when he walks through the bonkers attractions.
”You really don’t remember anything?” Wendy asks.
”It’s like a barren desert in here”, Stan says and raps his knuckles against his head. ”Did I live in a desert? Feels like I did that.”
Wendy’s eyes widen. ”Do you remember something?”
”Don’t think so. Just got a feeling.”
He teaches her how to lockpick but apparently he’s already done that.
”Just like you did before! You’re in there somewhere, Stan.”
”I guess”, Stan says.
He learns that the car in the driveway is his. He probably should’ve guessed that since the plate says STNLYMBL. Stan drives donuts into the dirt with Wendy in the passenger side until the twins come out the back door.
”Our turn, Grunkle Stan!” Mabel shouts.
Stan skids to a halt.
”Get in you rascals”, he says and he races them around like there’s no tomorrow. Soos stands on the porch with tears in his eyes. The guy is weird in an endearing sort of way, not that Stan would ever tell anyone that. He can’t help but wonder what their relationship was like before.
After racing around they sit down in the noon sunshine. The pitt cola fits perfectly in his hand.
”This life ain’t too bad. Who needs memories!”
He almost doesn’t notice when Stanford sneaks out the door to join them. Stan’s apprehensive but something in him loosens when the kids goof around and he shares a knowing glance with Stanford. Huh.
***
”Stan, I need to talk to you.”
Stan thinks he knows what this is about. It’s been a few days, he’s got his feet under him. It’s time for Stanford to kick him out. He remembers this.
When the summer’s over you give me my house back.
Stan also remembers getting punched in the face after greeting his brother with a hug.
4. Stanford’s kicking me out
”Sure, Stanford.”
”It seems like you are getting some memories back. This is great! I’ve been working on a neural stimulator and I think it will help you…”
Stan tunes out the words he doesn’t know. Right, Stanford is some kind of scientist. Maybe he won’t kick Stan out until he’s solved the mystery of Stan’s amnesia? That’s not great but it’s better than getting kicked to the curb straight away.
”Knock yourself out, man. I wouldn’t understand what you’re doing anyway.”
”You don’t want to know what the neural stimulator will do to you?”
”Eh, won’t change anything.”
Stanford studies him like he’s a puzzle.
”Stan, you don’t have to do this if you don’t want to. I thought you wanted your memories back?”
”Sure I do”, Stan says. ”Who wouldn’t? I’m just saying you don’t have to waste your time explaining something to me when I’m too stupid to understand it.”
”Did someone say that to you? That you’re stupid?”
”Nah”, Stan chuckles. ”Some things you just know, even if you don’t remember.”
”You’re not stupid”, Stanford says. He’s got a sort of pleading note in his voice.
”Let’s try out that neural simulator of yours.”
”Neural stimulator, Stan.”
”Yeah yeah.”
Stanford leads him down to an underground lab that gives Stan the heebie jeebies. He sits Stan down in a chair and places electrodes on his head. Stan knows deep in his bones that he does not want to do this. Stanford ties his arms and legs to the chair and Stan tries to fight back but he’s too weak. Wait, no, that’s not happening. Stanford isn’t tying anyone to anything, he’s standing in front of a screen with his back to Stan. He swallows the nausea away. He’s not tied down. He can leave if he wants to. Except that he can’t. If he refuses to do this, Stanford will kick him out. Stan could probably make do but he feels like a newborn fawn. He doesn’t know the things he needs to know to build up a life. To survive. And sue him, he likes having a house to live in. He likes having food. He likes talking to the people he knows. Stanford turns back around and Stan squeezes his eyes shut.
”Stanley?”
”Yeah?” Stan says through gritted teeth.
”Are you alright?”
”Yeah, let’s just get this over with.”
The next thing he knows… Words are jumbling around his brain.
”Stanford…? Lo que… Urgh.”
Stan parpadea y ve a Stanford arrodillado frente a él. Wait. He jerks his hands and is surprised to see that he’s gotten free of the ropes. What is Stanford doing here?
”Where did they go?” He asks.
”Who? What did you remember?”
”Los hombres… ¿Desataste las cuerdas?”
“Stanley, please speak English, I can’t understand you.”
“I am speaking English you knucklehead. We gotta get outta here!”
“Stanley, wait!” Stanford grabs his wrists. Stan lurches back.
“No estás con ellos, ¿verdad?”
“Stan, listen to me. You’re in Gravity Falls. I’m your brother Ford. You’ve relived a memory.”
“Ford? I thought you were Stanford…?”
“Yes, but you usually call me Ford.”
“Oh.”
The memory falls into place in Stan’s mind. That was a long time ago, in Colombia. He can speak Spanish? At least he’s pretty sure that’s Spanish.
“I was in Colombia”, he answers before Stanford can ask. Ford. “Some guys caught up to me. Can’t remember why they were after me though.”
“It worked!”
“Yeah, I guess… Why that memory? That doesn’t help me at all.”
“Oh, but Stanley! This means that we can probably get all of your memories back! This is indeed great news.”
Stan sits back in the uncomfortable chair. He’s dizzy and adrenaline is still pumping through his body. One moment he’s tied up and about to be beat to a pulp and the next he’s in a creepy basement being experimented on. He isn’t sure where he’d rather be.
“Can I… get outta here?” He asks tentatively.
“Yes, of course!” Stanford begins plucking the wires from Stan. “Here, do you need help standing up?”
“Uf…”
Stanford – Ford – leads him to the elevator.
“Did you have to make the elevator so small? Ugh” Stan gruffs.
“The size of my elevator wasn’t really a priority…”
They sit down in the kitchen and Ford makes them coffee.
“Now Stanley, tell me everything you remembered.” He’s got a little notebook out, ready to write down everything and anything Stan says.
“So, you’re Stanford and go by Ford and I’m Stanley and go by Stan. Isn’t that weird? Why am I not Ley? Lee?”
Ford looks taken aback. “Now that you mention it, I did call you Lee sometimes when we were kids.”
As soon as the word leaves Ford’s mouth Stan feels warmth blossom in his chest. Lee. He’s not sure he feels like a Stan, but damn straight is he a Lee. He can almost smell the sea breeze and feel the sand underneath his feet.
“Were we on a beach?”
Ford lights up at that. “Glass Shard Beach! Yes, we spent numerous days in our childhood on that beach!” He pauses. “I thought you remembered something about Colombia…?”
“I did, but when you called me Lee I could’ve sworn I was on a beach.”
“Interesting…” Ford starts writing in his notebook like he’s on fire. “Lee.”
Stan gets that warm feeling again. He almost feels like crying.
5. Ford used to call me Lee
“This is very good! If you keep remembering things on your own with the right stimuli, combined with the neural stimulator, I’m sure we can recover all of your memories!”
“Sounds great”, Stan says.
“Now, tell me about Colombia. I wasn’t aware you had been there, much less that you can speak Spanish!”
“Yeah, me neither. Well, some guys had me tied up and they were gonna kill me. It wasn’t great.”
“What?” Ford’s face falls.
“That’s what I remembered, down there. If all my memories are like that I’d rather go without them, thanks.”
“These people were going to kill you?”
“Uh, yeah.”
“That’s… horrible. I’m so sorry Stanley, I had no idea. I wonder why that memory came up.”
“Well”, Stan says, since he’s feeling charitable, “before you stimulated my brain or whatever, I thought you were tying me up. Maybe the memory was already close to the surface.”
“I wasn’t tying you up”, Ford says, unsure.
“Yeah I know, but I coulda sworn you were. Just for a moment.”
“Why didn’t you say something?”
“Why would I?”
“I…” Ford falters. “I would never tie you up.”
“But you’d punch me and shoot me?” As soon as Stan says the words he regrets them. He really is a stupid piece of shit, because why else would he rile up someone who hates him? Someone who’s known to hurt him? Yeah, Stan’s really fucking stupid.
Ford looks devastated.
“Forget it”, Stan says. “Just don’t make promises you’re not gonna keep.”
He stands and hurries out of the kitchen. Best find the kids and see what they’re getting up to.
***
Dipper and Mabel are planning a birthday party. Their own birthday party, they’re turning 13 at the end of the summer.
“Grunkle Stan, you remembered something! This is amazing!” Mabel clings to his arm like a little monkey.
“It’s working!” Dipper says with as much glee.
He steers them away from the memory talk and asks them about the party instead.
“And I assume you mean to have this party here? Wendy can man the ticket stand, we’ll make a killing!”
“No, Grunkle Stan”, Mabel laughs. “We can’t make people pay to come to our birthday party!”
Stan pretends to think about it but he knows he’ll let them do whatever. These kids’ have got him going all soft. He wonders what he was like before he met them. He wonders a lot, but he’s not sure he’ll like the answers.
That night he tries to write down every Spanish word he knows. He learns that he’s not very good at writing and that he knows a lot of Spanish, probably enough to be fluent. And Ford had no idea he spoke Spanish at all? Suspicious. From what Stan can remember, he didn’t get up to much good down there, so maybe he didn’t tell Ford about it. Because he was ashamed? Maybe. When he was in Colombia, a group of men chased him down and tied him to a chair. They were going to beat him up. He remembers the feeling of knowing he was going to die. He remembers being scared, he remembers being sad that there was something he didn’t get to fix, but most of all he remembers being resigned. Who the hell feels resigned when they’re about to be murdered? Apparently, Stanley Pines.
Stan has been in this world for one week. What he’s learned about himself doesn’t paint the prettiest picture. He has multiple fake identities, his body is littered with scars and he’s got an entire town convinced that he saved them from the apocalypse. He has a brother called Ford. Stan knows five things about Ford.
1. Ford hates me
2. Ford doesn’t want to talk about our past
3. Ford shot me in the head
4. Ford’s kicking me out
5. Ford used to call me Lee
Whatever Stan did to Ford, it must’ve been awful. There’s a little voice in Stan’s head that tells him maybe it wasn’t something specific Stan did that made Ford hate him, maybe just being Stan was enough. Either way, Stan is not thrilled. For every day that passes, he gains understanding for what he felt that day in Colombia when he was about to be murdered. It would be easier, wouldn’t it?
Dipper and Mabel are leaving in a week. Ford is, or at least was, planning to kick him out after that. Stan should be planning his next steps. So why is he just laying in his bed? Someone knocks on his door.
“Mr Pines?” That must be Soos. After a moment of silence the door opens. “Uh, hey, Mr Pines.”
“Hey Soos”, Stan manages.
“You probably don’t remember, but um, sometimes you have ‘bed-days’.”
“The hell is a bed-day”, Stan mumbles, though he’s got a pretty good idea what a bed-day is.
“A day when you’re too old to get out of bed”, Soos says like he’s repeating something often told to him. “Usually you take your meds-”
“Meds?!” Stan shoots up. “Are you drugging me? Wait no, you’re Soos. You wouldn’t drug me.” He lays back down. “Urgh.”
“Your depression meds”, Soos whispers like he’s keeping the worlds most important secret.
“Alright, gimme these pills.”
Soos hands him two pills and a glass of water. Stan downs them without further questions.
“Who else knows about this?”
“Wendy does, probably some of the gnomes…”
“Does Ford know? The kids?”
“Other Mr Pines definitely doesn’t know, Dipper and Mabel might know. They’re more clever than they look.”
“Thanks, Soos. Gimme a minute, will ya?”
Soos leaves and Stan feels just as bad as before. Just like… wait, was he in a goddamn mental institution?! If Stan didn’t already hate himself he definitely would by now. Yeesh. Just get up, he tells himself. Just get up. Get up, get up, get up. To his humiliation his eyes get misty by the effort. How fucked up is he that he can’t even get out of bed?
“Grunkle Stan? I made you some Mabel-juice!”
Stan smiles at that. “Get in here and give it to me, pumpkin!”
Mabel skips into the room with a glass of liquid that will probably shorten his lifespan significantly. He drinks it and plays it up like every sip gives him some kind of super energy.
“You’ve successfully woken me up from a horrible old man coma!”
Mabel laughs. Stan lets her drag him from the room and it doesn’t even drain him.
But then Ford is in the kitchen.
“Stan! I’ve prepared another session with the neural stimulator in the lab. As soon as you’ve eaten breakfast we can get started.”
“I don’t know, Ford”, Stan tries but he doesn’t know what to say.
“Nonsense, you mustn’t lose hope, Stanley. I’m determined to get every single one of your memories back.”
“Lovely”, Stan mumbles under his breath.
Some memories are probably better forgotten. Like that time Stan was almost murdered. Or that time he was kneeling on the ground and Ford shot him in the head execution style. Why not that time he was locked up in the loony bin for unknown reasons. No wonder he had apparently been eager to sacrifice himself, Stan already wants to forget. And unless he wants to add a memory of Ford kicking him out of the house, he has to do memory roulette. Well, better a memory from the past.
Stan sits down and lets Ford put all the electrodes on him.
“Ready?”
“Sure.”
Then Stan is lurching forward and dry-heaving onto the floor. Shouldn’t have taken that many pills. He keeps throwing up and nothing but pills come up. Should have taken enough pills to get it over with. Stan blinks and there aren’t a handful of pills on the floor like he remembers. Just two half digested ones. Right. He didn’t overdose. Those are just the pills Soos gave him earlier.
“Stan, are you okay?”
Ford is kneeling beside Stan and has one six fingered hand on his back. He’s patting him in a way that is probably meant to be soothing.
“What did you remember?” Ford asks. Then he spots the two pills on the floor. “What’s that? What kind of pills are those, Stan?”
Stan sits back on his ass and leans against the legs of the chair.
“Stanley…?”
“Yeah, yeah, lemme catch my breath.”
For a moment there’s a blessed silence, but Ford can’t be quiet for long.
“I need to know what that is.”
“Those are…” Stan doesn’t want to say it. He really doesn’t. “Um. Migraine pills.”
Ford narrows his eyes. Stan meets his stare dead on.
“You’re not telling the truth”, Ford finally says.
“Nope.”
“Stan, you can’t just take an unknown medication without consulting with me first! You have no idea what kind of effect they might have on you in your current state!”
“Maybe I don’t care”, Stan sneers.
“Of course you do, you’re just too pig-headed to-” Ford cuts himself off.
“No, keep going, Ford. What were you gonna say?”
“I’m… sorry, that came out wrong. What I meant to say, is that you sometimes don’t think of the consequences of your actions.”
“Don’t I? Weren’t you the one who built a portal that caused the end of the world?”
Ford’s face hardens.
“What do you want from me, really? I’m tired of playing your game, Stanford. I get it, you don’t wanna kick me out in front of the kids? We can pretend everything’s fine til they leave.” Stan’s throat is dry and burning with stomach acid.
“Is this some kinda weird revenge? Just beat me up, man, or shoot me for real. I’m tired of this scifi crap. I give up, you got me.”
Stan closes his eyes. He feels like he just overdosed. Which probably isn’t too worrying considering that he just relived a memory of an overdose. Whatever.
“What?” Ford bites out. It’s more forceful than Stan expected. He cracks one eye open. “What?” Ford repeats.
Stan’s sure as hell not going to repeat himself so he just looks at Ford through his one open eye.
“Stan, what the hell are you talking about?”
“I know you’re gonna kick me out. I don’t know why you’re doing… this”, Stan gestures vaguely toward Ford.
“Oh”, Ford says. “Was that what you remembered?”
“I remembered that a few days ago.”
“That moment in isolation is… not great. I’m sorry for what I said. But Stan, I changed my mind. I want you here. I’m not going to kick you out. This is your home.”
“...what?”
“Did you think that this whole time? Why would- no, wait. That’s not important right now. Stan, please, you have to tell me what those pills are.”
“They are, apparently, my depression meds”, Stan says. He feels empty, trance-like. Ford’s not gonna kick him out?
“Your depression medication”, Ford echoes.
“Yeah”, Stan chuckles humorlessly. “Imagine my surprise when Soos explained it to me.”
“Soos knew? How long have you been on medication?”
Stan just raises an eyebrow.
“Right. Amnesia.”
“Are you okay?”
“Just peachy”, Stan sighs. “But if you’re not kicking me to the curb, what’s the plan? You don’t want me just hanging around.”
“I do want that. Well, I did have the idea to buy a boat. Go sailing.”
Sailing. Once again, Stan hears the waves crash against the shore and seagulls call overhead. High six!
“That was our childhood dream, you know”, Ford continues. “I thought it could be nice, if you were willing to give me a second chance.”
“I want to”, Stan blurts. “I mean, if you’re sure. I want that.”
But then he remembers the punch to the face. The way his hackles rise every time Ford steps into the room. He looks over at Ford and he’s got the sappiest smile on his face. Stan feels very small.
“Then we’ll go sailing.”
Stan swallows. “Uh”, he starts, unsure of what words to use. “I think I want my memories back first, though.”
“Of course”, Ford agrees.
“Ford”, Stan says, because he can’t just promise himself away to a life of seafaring with a man he doesn’t trust. Apparently he’s got that much self-preservation. Stan is a man who’s resigned to death, but not to fear. “I need to know. What happened between us? Why do you want this? Why don’t I trust you? The only things I know about you is that you hate me and that you hurt me. Which I get! But then why would you want me to get my memories back? Why would you want me around? I just don’t buy it. If I had an amnesiac guy I hated in my house I’d punch him and give him the boot. Well, you did do that, but why’d you change your mind? I think I’ll take my chances on the street rather than be your lab rat. No offense!”
Stop rambling you idiot, Stan tells himself. Well, better to break Ford’s patience here than on a boat. Here in the creepy basement where Ford can do whatever he wants to Stan with no one to hear him scream… Bad idea, bad idea!
“I mean, what? Who said that? I should go”, Stan says.
“Stan, wait”, Ford says and his voice wavers. That’s new. “Stan.”
Ford has one hand outstretched, just shy of touching Stan’s shoulder. The other one is wiping tears away from his eyes. He looks like… You’re a six-fingered freak. Hey, don’t let those idiots get to you. I’m too dumb to get it. You’re not stupid Stan, stop saying that. Oh.
“None of that’s true, Stan”, Ford says. He’s crying. “I don’t know how to prove it to you. I’m sorry.”
“Hey, Ford.” Stan puts a hand on Ford’s back. Then what comes out of his mouth is: “You’re not a freak.”
Ford looks at him. “Excuse me?”
“Sorry, I just remembered someone calling you a freak. But you’re not. I know that. So I don’t think you’d do freaky stuff to me. I think someone maybe did freaky stuff to me and that’s why I expect you to do it.”
Stan feels like ants are crawling all over him. He’s probably not the type of guy to admit things like that. He just can’t stand to see Ford so sad.
“Most of the memories I have ain’t so nice. Murder and punching and… overdosing and mental institutions. What the hell was I doing! And I have a bunch of really weird scars that I don’t know what they came from and I assume it’s not because I decided to donate my kidney outta the goodness of my heart. Uhh, I kinda lost myself there. What I’m saying is I’m probably assuming the worst of you because I’ve hung out with some freaky people and that’s what I’m used to. But what do I know, I’m just some dumb old geezer.”
“You’re not dumb, Stan, don’t say that”, Ford says through a forced smile. An invisible weight that’s been on Stan’s shoulders since Ford hugged him in the forest lifts. “And that sounds very plausible. I’m sorry I didn’t make you feel safe.”
Ford seems to brace himself, then he says: “Overdosing and- and mental institutions? Are you missing a kidney?”
“I don’t fucking know! I have this scar that’s really bad and it’s very suspiciously placed and I don’t know what the hell it is!” Stan lifts his shirt and Ford goes even paler than he already was.
“Oh my.”
They fall into silence. It’s not too bad. Stan’s not one to toot his own horn – yeah okay, he very much is – but he usually doesn’t believe it. But maybe for the first time in his life (though what the hell does Stan know about that) it’s possible he is right about something. He came up with a theory that Ford believes.
“You wanna have some Stancakes?”
***
“- and then the confetti cannon comes out!”
“Where would we even get a confetti cannon?”
“I believe I can put something together”, Ford says with a glint in his eye.
“Really?!” Mabel shrieks. “Yes, yes, yes!”
Ford starts to sketch something out in his brand new journal emblazoned with a 4. Dipper leans so far from his chair that it almost tips but Stan steadies it before it falls. Stan’s had to make some adjustments to what he knows about Ford.
1. Ford doesn’t hate me
2. Ford doesn’t like to talk about our past because we both made some pretty bad mistakes
3. Ford shot me in the head to save the world
4. Ford’s not kicking me out and he wants me to stay
5. Ford sometimes calls me Lee
Actually, Ford probably does more than just ‘not hate’ Stan. Mabel calls it love but Stan’s not sure he’s quite ready to accept that. Soon though, he thinks. Soon he will.
Ford goes easier on the neural stimulator in the next few days. He also wants Stan to tell him everything he remembers about murder attempts and other uncomfortable topics. So far Stan’s been able to play at plausible amnesia for the gnarliest parts of his memories. Sooner or later, he will have to admit why someone stole his kidney and why overdosing was the only option he had left but until then, Stan will make sure to give the twins the best send-off and plan the adventure of a lifetime with his brother. He’s not afraid. He’s happy.