Chapter Text
Shane smiles as he scores the Stanley Cup winning goal — he smiles so widely he thinks he might obtain dimples purely from this smile — as Scott Hunter — his new captain — rams into him from the side. He feels euphoric. He deserves to feel euphoric because this is his third Stanley Cup, in succession that is!
And as Carter Vaughan clashes into him his smile still hasn't faded. Even after the rest of the team have made it to him from the bench, and Eric Bennett finds his way through all the discarded helmets and gloves laying on the ice to also hug him, he still smiles.
Because he's so happy, so fucking happy.
Because after Montreal suddenly traded him last year — Shane knows it isn't suddenly, as his coach catched him making out in Spain, in Spain! His coach shouldn't be there for fucks sake — and he found his way to the Admirals all the way from Canada, he cant help but feel happy.
Not just because Montreal was sucking this year, and that he and Ilya — yes, Ilya! Not Rozanov — talked at the All-Stars, and then in the summer, and now they're officially boyfriends!
But also because the Admirals are way better; they're nicer, and generally more accepting, they don't throw around slurs. They don't mind if Shane doesn't come out after games, or that he's secretive about his private life, they don't snoop or bully him until he says something.
Everything is fucking amazing.
And he's still smiling as he does his round with the cup, and he's cheering at the crowd, and grinning at the San Francisco crowd as he skates past them.
He's even smiling as he passes the seat where his parents would normally be sat — because they can't be here, which is fine, they're at home, in Ottawa, watching the game on the TV — and he passes the cup to the next player so he can make the same round he just did.
Eventually though, his smile falters, and it goes quick. And its hard to get it back for the rest of the night.
Because as everyone's family gets on the ice, he spots Scott, and smiles at him, knowingly and reassuringly. Because he already knew, that if they would win, he and Scott would be the only guys on the ice without their family or children or wives coming to congratulate them.
Which is fine, Shane knew that, and it's not that he's not happy for Scott — the opposite, actually, he's so happy for Scott, he can't be fucking happier for him — when Scott does invite someone on the ice, and the jumbo tron is suddenly zoomed in on Scott kissing his boyfriend.
And— again, Shane is insanely happy for Scott, but his smile still falters. And something still twists in his stomach, and the urge to throw up does come up.
Not because he's disgusted, but because he envious, he's so fucking envious.
And then he looks down—at his hands—with loathing, because he can't do that. And he never will, because the man he fell in love with wasn't some sweet, kind and objectively handsome guy in a cafe — or wherever they met — but instead he fell in love with Ilya Rozanov; "Russia's greatest love machine"; the guy whose called asshole the most in the league; the guy most people not from Boston hate with a passion; with his rival.
And he will never be able to just kiss Ilya, and its loathing he feels because he knows Ilya wants to, and that he really wants to. But it's Shane holding him back, and he also knows Ilya doesn't hold it against him, but that doesn't mean that he cant hold it against himself.
So yeah, he does cry right there, but they aren't happy tears — and he really tries not to cry, he really does — they're the kind of tears he's only ever cried alone, and not in front of anyone.
They're the type that make you want to scream at and kick and hit everyone in a proximity of less than 2 meters away from you. Because Scott is now catching his hands behinds the guy's back and dipping him down.
And Shane doesn't want to think about the fact that the last time he and Ilya kissed was way too long ago, that it was probably longer than a month. Maybe even two.
He wipes his tears, and he can manage them gone for the rest of the night, while he's out celebrating with the guys. But just as his tears, his smile is also gone, and he can't seem to find one that has more meaning than a fake polite smile.
Because Scott takes his boyfriend to the bar where they're celebrating — of course he does, he deserves it, there isn't a reason for him not to — and Shane has to force himself to be kind towards Kip — his name, Shane just learned — and he has to force himself to say the correct thing at the correct moments.
And when he gets home he opens his thread with Ilya for the millionth time that evening.
Lily
You're already going home?
Not more drinking?
Shut up.
No, I miss you.
And…
I don't know what.
I just wish you were here right now.
I love you.
I love you too, moya lyubov.
Try not to have threesome with dinausor Hunter and his super young boyfriend.
Asshole.
I love you.
I love you too.
Good night, my three time Stanley Cup Champion boyfriend.
Shane doesn't feel like going to practice at all. He has no will, like, at all.
He left their cottage just a day ago but he is already missing Ilya like he would miss a limb. And it is fucking painful, because the next time they play against each other would be in three weeks, and he isn't sure if he can handle that much time apart without going insane.
But instead of sulking he bottles his feelings up, and he gives his all on the ice.
He gives orders — as newly appointed Captain — and trains harder than ever. He doesn't joke, doesn't smile, he just does. And he does it wonderfully.
The team clicks, even better than last year, everyone is in top condition — save from Brisebois who sustained an injury in the final. But that's fine, Shane can work with injury's.
He clicks his skates on the ice and plays some damn good hockey. He almost always scores on Anderson — though he doesn't know how good that really is — his passes are immaculate — his passes with Ilya were better, in the cottage — and his stick-handling is great — Ilya would have made a stupid joke about that, and Shane would have tried not to smile — their power play is amazing — it reminds him of the All-Stars last year.
He hopes that they'll get to play together again, that that wasn't the last time of them sharing the ice, on the same team.
Slowly, everyone leaves the ice as practice ends. Shane doesn't. He can't. Because if he leaves he's forced to think about Ilya again. He's forced to miss him again.
Forced to crawl in this never-ending hole of missing Ilya, and he doesn't wanna crawl back in there yet. Because when he's in that hole, it grows bigger, and the time he does have with Ilya isn't enough to patch that up.
So he does stay, first its just an hour longer, and then it two, and eventually three, but he really knows he's screwed is the day he stays six hours past when practice actually ended. And when his coach — Harv Murdock — is going to leave the rink, and sees Shane working on his shot accuracy against an empty net.
And then Shane's stick slips out of his hand and he misses an open goal, with no more than four meters between him and the goal.
But instead of noticing Murdock, he grabs his stick, and grabs another puck, and now he's ten meters from the goal. He lines up his stick, and twists his wrist and does score another goal.
When his annoyance has finally faded into a content-ness of his scoring — after a few more pucks — he looks up to see Murdock standing there, with a really annoyed look on his face.
Carter Vaughan is fucking done with Shane Hollander, it's like Hollander isn't even trying to hide it anymore. He's become snappy, and his orders are harder than ever — though his play is immaculate, he has to admit — and it's clear that he's done with Scott. For no reason.
Well, except for the issue Shane seems to have with that Scott is gay.
Because Hollander doesn't react when anyone talks about their wife or girlfriend — well, he reacts less intensely — but when Scott talks about Kip, or about going to the Kingfisher after practice, or about anything having to do with either of those topics, Hollander shuts off.
His shoulders raise, his ears perk up, and he shuts himself off from the rest of the team. But Carter sees it, he sees his muscles tense and he sees the way he hesitates when entering the showers — it almost looks like he has a trauma response, if Carter doesn't already know that it's pure bigotry — like he's scared that Scott will do something.
Like he thinks that Scott would do something. Like Scott would ever cheat on Kip.
He can put up with it, as long as it's not bothering Scott.
He can put up with it, even though someone hates his best friend for who he loves.
He can put up with it until he notices that Hollander not only hesitates to follow Scott in the shower, but he also stays behind during practice to not have to shower with Scott.
And it's becoming insane, and not normal anymore.
And he's going to do something about it.
Right fucking now.
!! Admirals sans Cap !!
[Carter Vaughan created "!! Admirals sans Cap !!"]
Vaughan: There's a need for this chat.
Jalo: Nope, I'm not doing this homophobic shit bro.
Jalo: I love Cap, I'm not participating in this bullshit.
Vaughan: No!
Vaughan: This isn't homophobic, the opposite actually.
Jalo: Are you sure??
Vaughan: Yeah, let me explain myself.
Bennett: I JUST retired, why am I here?
Vaughan: I'll let you all have your reactions or whatever while I'll type my explanation.
Anderson: If this is homophobic, I'm fucking leaving.
Brisebois: 1) It's wrong 2) Cap WILL hate you.
Jalo: Exactly!
Gillis: Vaughy is his best friend, I think we're good.
Cameron: True, wait why isn't everyone in this?
Bennett: And why am I here if I'm not on the team anymore?
Anderson: Huh? You left out Hollzy, Vaughy??
Vaughan: I let in everyone I have never heard one single homophobic comment from, even before Scott came out. I trust everyone in this, that's why I'm saying this to you guys ( though I know the other guys aren't homophobic, you're just my favourites). But I think Hollander might be homophobic, really homophobic, as soon as Scott let Kip on the ice and kissed him I saw his smile drop instantly. Like his whole day was ruined, and every time he spoke to Kip he was being so fucking awkward.
Vaughan: And he stays behind during practice, like he doesn't wanna shower with Scott. Or that he's scared that Scott would ever do anything, and he's tense every time Scott mentions Kip in any shape way or form.
Gillis: Shane isn't homophobic though, right??
Jalo: He's never made a comment about it, no, but now that you're saying it, you might be right.
Anderson: Shane's always awkward when meeting new people, but he was so fucking weird meeting Kip.
Anderson: It's almost like he's trying not to seem homophobic but it's SEEPING through so badly.
Anderson: I'm glad you said something about it.
Brisebois: What are we going to do about it?
Cameron: Guess what message I had typed out.
Bennett: I'll help, though, AGAIN, I'm not on the team anymore.
Vaughan: That's what I wanted help with, I don't want to just tell Cap.
Vaughan: Because I'm pretty sure he hasn't noticed.
Jalo: Well what could we do?
Gillis: Maybe we all act gay, to make him really uncomfortable.
Brisebois: That's the most shit idea ever, underwater breather.
Gillis: Stop calling me that!
Cameron: Come on! It's so creative.
Gillis: Nope, I hate whoever came up with that one.
Anderson: Maybe we do just have an intervention.
Brisebois: You wanna, what? Get him in a room and lock the door?
Anderson: Exactly!
Vaughan: The thing is, it's like he's trying not to seem homophobic, but in truth really is.
Vaughan: But doesn't wanna get on the bad side of Hunter, maybe?
Cameron: Holy shit, yeah it is that I think.
Anderson: Can we still just not have an intervention, does anyone have blackmail on him?
Jalo: No…
Brisebois: Or we just all ignore Hollzy…
Jalo: Right, the best player in the league who is our captain, great idea.
Brisebois: But it's FOR our Captain, for the man who got us the STANLEY CUP!!
Jalo: I just want to say that I agree with this but that Scott isn't our captain anymore.
Brisebois: I'm not going to listen to some homophobe commanding us around.
Jalo: Same, okay, I'm in with whatever, I'm in 100%
Vaughan: I think Andy is right, maybe we should just have an intervention.
Gillis: AN INTERVENTION IT IS BOYS!!
Gillis: We heard the A!
Okay so at least they have a plan now. Carter doesn't know how much he actually beliefs in the plan, but they have one. And if shit hits the fan — he doesn't know how that would happen, though — at least they tried to help Scott, and Scott knows that they all support him.
Even if they have to support him against their captain who might or might not be the best player in the league.
(He definitely is the best player in the league).
Shane's staying behind, again. Though he's sure its not even counted as staying behind if he just does it every time, it's like it's his new schedule at this point.
He feels extra fucking shitty today, because Ilya had just left that morning, after playing Boston the night before. Ilya has a game against Buffalo tonight, so he could afford staying the night, which Shane was eternally grateful for. But the ache of missing Ilya during practice was worse that usual.
Everyone leaves for the locker rooms. Everyone except for Carter Vaughan, who seems to dislike Shane more every passing day. Shane has no idea why — nor did he dwell on it, he practically only thinks about Ilya when not thinking about hockey — maybe Carter didn't like the way they trained now that he was the captain?
He ignores it — especially the passing thought of Ilya — as he runs more drills.
He gets about three done until Carter is yelling at him, he gets shook out of his focus and skates over to him. It takes him a few seconds to get back to breath but Carter is already speaking.
"We need to speak to you, come to the locker room," Carter says, and Shane raises a surprised eyebrow but complies easily, it's not like they're going to be talking to him about Ilya. And it's not like he needs the extra practice. He really doesn't.
"Oh, and don't worry, Scott has already left." He adds, somewhat bitterly.
Huh?
Why would he care about Scott already leaving?
There's exactly five Admirals sitting in the locker room when he opens it, Anderson, Jalo, Brisebois, Gillis, and Cameron. Six, if you count Vaughan leading him in, to sit in his stall.
"What is this about, guys?" He asks, while sitting down and trying — and failing — not to raise his eyebrows in suspicion.
"We know, and it's fucking disgusting." Shane freezes, just as every drop of sweat on his body. His mind is working at a million miles an hour and he's trying to think of a believable lie. There isn't. Maybe Theriault leaked?
But no, they support Scott. They support Scott with their whole hearts, it's what Shane loves so much about this team, it's what made him have — if it was only just an ounce of hope of ever being able to tell them.
Being able to tell them about him and Ilya. About Ilya and him. About the man who he fell in love with, but no. He had been fucking naive again, and somehow they found out. And he's screwed, he's so screwed.
He tries to open his mouth, and fails, he tries to run his hands through his hair, he can't even lift his arm.
Fuck.
Are they going to tell Crowell? Are they going to tell the league? Is he never going to play hockey again?
But it doesn't matter, it really doesn't. Because Ilya could get deported, and Ilya could end up in jail, or worse. And he'd never see him again, never touch him again, never run his hands through his hair again, never hear his voice again.
Fuck.
They don't even have any pictures, he doesn't even know if he has pictures of Ilya's face except for the ones on the internet.
He never allowed them to take pictures because he was scared, yet they still found out. Somehow, Shane has no idea how.
He tries to speak again, nothing leaves his mouth and he can feel tears well up in his eyes. Fuck. He can not start crying now, he has to explain first.
He has to show them — somehow — how much he loves Ilya, that it's real, that he's never thrown a game, and that he never will.
And that they're in fucking love.
His mouth suddenly feels dry as tears leave his eyes. His fingers finally twitch and his gaze snaps from Carter to his fingers.
His heartbeat grows quicker and the urge to throw up suddenly gets really prominent, his stomach twists awfully as he can finally move his hands.
His hair is sticky and sweaty as he runs his hands through it, his breath catches again as he sucks in a breath of air.
His throat closes up before opening again and he gasps in a hopeless breath.
"Does Scott know?" He rasps heavily.
"That's what you're worried about?" Anderson says sarcastically.
He shakes his head again.
"Please," he tries, "please don't tell anyone, you can hate me all you want, but he could get deported, and I love him so much, I don't want to lose him. I'm so sorry, I don't—"
His breath catches again and his throat closes up and he loses the capability of speaking or moving again.
Though his fingers do tighten around the bench he has them wrapped around, and his breath does quicken.
"Tell who? Deported? What the fuck are you talking about Hollander?" Jalo says, clearly confused, Shane sees his brows furrow.
Does he really not fucking now about Russia's laws? Oh yeah, what a great fucking ally he is to Scott, really.
"Because Russia, they'll send him back, he doesn't have a citizenship." He gets out.
"Fuck, I'll— We'll have to get married, I can't lose him I can't do it without him." Shane shakes his head to himself again.
"They'll send who back? What the fuck are you talking about, Hollander?" Gillis sneers impatiently as he stands up from his seat to walk over to Shane.
Shane flinches, though he speaks.
"Are you fucking stupid? It's fucking illegal to be gay in Russia, he'll go to prison, or fucking worse. Carter was the one to tell me and Scott that in 2014. You can't tell anyone, he might get fucking killed." His voice raises involuntarily.
"I don't get why you're acting like this, you accepted Scott. I didn't throw a single game. Why is it? Why do you hate me? Why." The last Why comes out close to desperate and his eyes burn as the tears roll down them.
"Of course we accepted Scott, that's what this is about! We're trying to fucking talk to you about how fucking homophobic you've been towards him." Carter says steadily, and Shane freezes again.
This time different.
A small, pathetic, cry laugh escapes him.
He blinks a few times.
"I'm not homophobic, I thought, I thought you knew— I— fuck." He presses the palms of his hands to his eyes and rubs them over his face.
"Thought we knew what? What are you talking about." Anderson asks.
"Because you're talking nonsense right now. And you fucking stopped smiling when Scott kissed Kip on the ice, so, yeah, we do think you're homophobic." Carter says.
"No. I'm gay, forget what I just said, okay? I don't have a problem with Scott being gay because I am gay, okay? I was jealous of Scott, I was so envious because I'll never have that. Never. Not with the person I'm in love with, because it will be so much worse if we ever come out." He breathes heavily and tries not to think about how much he wishes he could just crawl into Ilya's arms after this.
About how much his home isn't his house but it's Ilya.
"What?" Carter blinks as Shane can finally look him in the eye again.
"The person, the man, I'm in love with, coming out is so much more dangerous than it was for Scott and Kip. People will hate us, so many people will hate us, they'll analyse every game, every moment of my—" of our "—career. And you're not going to get it until you know who it is. But can we please forget this, I'll come out to the team, whatever, but I'm not going to tell who I'm in love with."
They al look at him with wide eyes and Shane feels like he can breathe again.
"Wait, you're gay?" Is all Brisebois gets out and it makes Shane choke out a dry laugh.
"But you've been avoiding showering with Scott by staying behind during practice?" Cameron asks him titillatingly.
Shane shakes his head.
"No, I— We, me and my partner are long distance, and we see each other once in every two months if we're lucky. I stay behind, sometimes for over three hours, because I only think about him when I'm not on the ice, not to avoid Scott." He says plainly.
"Oh." Gillis says.
"So you're just…sad?" Cameron asks at the same time as Gillis asks, "how long have you been together?"
Shane doesn't answer, he just shakes his head as a diversion.