Chapter Text
"Hey, You?" Hokuto asks. The two of them are sitting on the beach, with You letting the waves lap at her feet and Hokuto sitting in a polite criss-cross applesauce position, away from the water.
"Yeah?" she asks, twining her hair around a finger. She'd stopped cutting it after they started dating. It makes her look more like her mom. She kinda hates it, but at the same time, she'd wanted to be different. And she is different now. "Why'd you call me out here?"
"Well..." He trails off, looking out at the ocean. "I've just been thinking about us, lately."
"Yeah?" She drops her hand. She has a feeling this is serious.
"I don't know how I feel about you," he says. "I know how I want to feel. I just don't really feel that way. Or, I mean, I don't know if they're really 'my' feelings."
"Huh?" Is he really breaking up with her?
"Remember when I told you that we were dating in another timeline? I don't really know if I actually like you, or if those are that other version of me's feelings for you. I just...I guess I asked you out because I thought it might be fate for us to fall in love. Or something."
"That...would be nice, wouldn't it," You says.
She doesn't know why she said yes. It was something to do. She thought it might be nice to be someone's girlfriend. It's not as nice as she thought it would be.
"But that's...not how I feel. At least, I'm not sure. And I don't want to keep being with you if I don't know how I feel," Hokuto says.
"I appreciate that," she says, trying to be brave. She's getting broken up with. That's really what this is.
She never had a boyfriend before. It's not really like she was actively seeking one. She never really found any of the boys at school attractive. And none of them were interested in her, either. She wasn't the kind of girl they were interested in.
What had drawn Hokuto to her in that other timeline?
"Are you okay?" he asks. He almost reaches for her, but doesn't quite touch her before pulling his hands back.
"I just..." She looks away from him. "I don't know. I'm going to need time. Um, I'd appreciate it if you didn't try to call me. I'll message you when I'm ready to be your friend."
"Okay," he says. He looks sad. Kind of pathetic. She wants to wrap him up in a blanket and tell him that everything is going to be okay.
The problem is: that's not true.
Lately, You's started to realize that a lot of what she has is just because of her mother. Her job at LeMU (which is done now, thanks a lot Mom), her wardrobe (she just kinda went along with most of the shopping), and even her goddamn university and area of study. Her mom had been the one to suggest archeology. How could she have missed it?
Even her own name. It's all a product of how she was raised. Of who she was set up to be.
She can't even really hate Mom for it. Not when Sara is the happiest she's ever been, not when two people survived that wouldn't have otherwise.
And she got a boyfriend out of the whole thing! Thanks, extra-dimensional entity!
Well, the past tense is the key there. She doesn't anymore.
Fucking hell.
Everything she tried to prove by her rebellion was pointless. What the hell was it all for? The third eye has been real the whole time!
So, okay, step one to a new You: changing her major.
Problem is, what should she change it to?
The thing You has always wanted is to prove people wrong. But by trying to prove her mother wrong, she just fell right back in line. And it doesn't really define a future, unless she wants to write research papers for the rest of her life. Well, that doesn't sound like the worst thing ever, but that's what Mom does, really. Or, she did, at least.
Things at home have been...weird. Sora, with her android body, lives in their guest room.
And Kaburaki moved in with Mom. That was probably the weirdest part. Mom had someone else the whole time, and couldn't tell her about it.
Though after she got over the weirdness, she had thought it was kinda romantic. A good sign for her relationship with Hokuto.
She doesn't believe in that anymore, since they broke up and all. Fate in the hand of a fourth-dimensional being brought them together, but it can't keep them that way!
And that is the thing. She wants a boyfriend, but if someone asked her while they were dating what she liked about him, she would answer that she accepted the offer because she wanted a boyfriend. And Hokuto does still care about her, and he's not a bad guy, but if she really thinks about it she liked not being single more than she liked him.
So maybe that's what this is all about. It's just loneliness.
"Why did I have to hear about your breakup from my brother?" Sara demands.
"Because I was dating your brother?" It's kinda obvious. Sara and Hokuto are only ever really separate when they absolutely need to be, which You thinks is more often than they want, or at least than Sara wants.
"Yeah, but it's been days," Sara says. "C'mon, I thought we were best friends!" She pouts.
"Sorry," You says, a little sheepish. Sara rarely claims that unless she truly feels it. It's a little embarrassing to go around in university and say that her best friend is an underclassman from high school, so they both generally avoid saying it. "I guess...I got in my own head. It was kind of a wake-up call. I mean, it's kind of my fault, in the end. I didn't reject him at first because I just wanted someone to date. It's not fair to him."
"Well, he does deserve better than that," Sara says. "But you deserve something you want, too. If that's a boyfriend, then I'll help you find one. Even though I don't think you could do better than my brother, really."
You frowns. "Do you really think that's true?"
"Well, not really," Sara says. "Sort of. Him and I are kinda like the same person, you know?"
"Ew." You makes a face. "No, don't say that, that's weird. It's like when Mom tries to say that we're technically the same person because I'm her clone."
"She does that? I'm so sorry," Sara says. "But it's not the same, you know? We're like that because we had to be, growing up. I want the relationship we had back, but it isn't the same."
"I don't think that's really fair. I mean, I'm pretty close with both of you, and you're pretty different," You says. "I think you're selling yourself short if you just treat yourself like the only thing you are is his sister. You've done other things. You've been other people."
"I don't really..." Sara winds a finger in her hair. "Look, can we not talk about this?"
"Okay," You says. "I guess...I'm just kinda lonely. And I would have done a lot of things to stop feeling alone. Nobody ever asked me out before."
"Really?" Sara frowns. "But, I mean, if I was into girls, you wouldn't be the worst person I could ask for."
You pinches her.
"Ow," Sara says, swatting away You's hand. "I meant it! Like, you're a good person and all that."
"Well, boys don't really like me," You says. "I get too angry, my hair is too short, I don't believe in their bullshit about the roles of women, so on so forth. So yeah. Not exactly a queue lining up."
"Well, that sucks. They don't know what's up."
You smiles at Sara. "Thanks for trying. But I don't think I'm gonna try dating again for a while. Like I said, I've been trying to find out who I am. And I have to figure out what to change my major to. I've been thinking about looking for something that lets me travel."
"Maybe you could be a flight attendant. Or a pilot." Sara taps her chin.
"Yeah, but I wanna, like, see places. That's not exactly the type of gig where I can."
"Well, okay then...you could, like, change to paleontology, maybe? 'Cause they travel all over to dig up dinosaur bones and stuff."
"Veto. Too close to what Mom does."
"Maybe living animals, then? You could like...discover new species! Or plants!"
"Plants might be interesting," You says. "I like that. I'll tell the university. Thanks, Sara."
"No problem," Sara says. "Happy to help?"
"I'm thinking about getting a haircut," You says, idly. It's getting a bit long. She hadn't minded it when she was dating Hokuto, because she wanted to grow it out for him. It's not something that boys like. Sooner or later, he would have wanted her to grow it, even if he never said so. Because all guys wants a girl that acts like a girl. And she doesn't wanna change for a theoretical guy, because she does like the way she is, even when boys aren't generally attracted to her. She likes having short hair and her self-defense classes and her current fashion sense. She doesn't want to let go of that for a theoretical person that doesn't exist. A real boyfriend is a different thing.
"Okay," Mom says. "You can grab some cash from my purse when you go."
"Are you gonna get the same length as before, or something else?" Kaburaki asks.
"I dunno," she answers. "I think I might try something new."
"No, shorter," she tells the hairdresser.
"Are you sure?" the hairdresser asks. She cut You's hair to around the level it was before. Normal short, for a girl.
"I'm sure," she says.
The hairdresser brings out an electric shaver to cut her hair. The buzz is weird, but by the time she's done...
The person looking at her in the mirror isn't quite You. But You wants to find out who she is.
"Thank you," she says to the hairdresser. She smiles.
Yeah, she wants to know who the person in the mirror is.
"Oh. Hey, You." Hokuto sounds a little flat, and she can't blame him. "You changed your hair."
"Yeah," she says. "I like it this way. It's...a weight off my shoulders."
He huffs, just the slightest touch of a laugh. "It looks nice. I don't think it goes with your outfit, though."
"What, can I not have short hair and wear a dress?" She crosses her arms.
"I mean, you can," he says. "Just maybe not that dress."
"What do you even know about fashion, anyways?" All he ever wears are button-ups and jeans. Polo shirts in warmer weather, which it is right now.
"It's practical and formal," he says. It's a well-worn debate between the two of them. "You’re not going for that."
"I don't really know what I am going for," she says. "I've been trying to figure out who I am. Without..." She waves her hand. "All that 'fate' stuff."
"Me too, kinda," he says. "I guess...Sara never forgot me. But even before I got amnesia, I forgot about her. My therapist says that it's because what Sara and I went through was traumatizing, and the brain tends to make us forget so we can cope with what happened. But I still kinda wonder why she thought that, in spite of what happened to us, she still wanted to remember. And I wanted to forget."
"Um..." This is definitely above her paygrade. She's his ex. She's not his girlfriend anymore, and she's not the therapist that Mr. and Mrs. Kimura hired shortly after Hokuto got out of LeMU. That's the kind of things they do. Gestures, not words. Maybe she can give it a shot. "Do you...wanna go shopping together?"
"What?" he asks, which is probably fair.
"You’re the one who insulted my fashion sense," she says. "It's only fair."
He wrinkles his nose. "I don't really like shopping, though."
"You don't have to get anything." She crosses her arms. "You just have to judge me. C'mon, I know you love that."
"Uh, no," he says.
"I know you were doing it in your head," she says.
"No, you're doing it in your head," he says. "This is weird, isn't it?"
"Yeah," she says. They didn't really fight when they were dating. At least not about anything super serious. And this is the first real conversation they've had since then. "Are we friends now?"
"I dunno," he says. "Honestly, after we broke up, I was so embarrassed that I hoped I would never see you again, and then we'd both forget about it. But you're my sister's best friend, so that was never going to happen."
"Yeah, that's kinda stupid," You says. Though she was avoiding him, too. So maybe she's kinda stupid too. But she was supposed to come back once she had all of her shit together, when she'd figured out who she is without him or Mom trying to convince her that she has everything she wants.
"Do you...want to be friends?"
"I don't know what I want," she admits, because she really doesn't. "Being friends would be fine. I guess."
"Okay," he says. "I might take you up on the shopping offer, but not today."
"Okay," she echoes, and that's that.
Her new major is going okay. One of her classmates seems to really like her haircut. She keeps staring at it as You works with her new lab partner in biology.
After class, she comes up to You.
"Hi, I'm Rei," she says, very enthusiastic.
"Hi," You says. "Call me You."
"It's nice to meet you," Rei says, still with a little smile on her face. "You just transferred to this class, right? I'd like to offer you some help if you want." She digs out her phone. "Let me get your number!"
"Okay," You says. Rei's enthusiasm is kinda like a whirlpool, and she's getting swept in. "Here, let me." She types her phone number into Rei's. "Okay! Text me, and I'll have yours, too."
Rei's smile grows wider. "Okay, sounds good. See you around, You-chan!"
You doesn't understand why that smile sticks in her mind -- or why she wants to see it again.
Rei is nice enough. You texts her occasionally about class stuff, they get together in the library to study for the first exam in the course.
And You likes her. A lot. Maybe more than she should.
"Hey, Sara, do you think I'm a lesbian?"
"Um, no?" Sara answers. "You dated my brother. Pretty sure that means you can't be a lesbian. By design."
"No, but like, you know what I said. I was just lonely. And he was there."
"He's not just there," Sara says. "That's my brother you're talking about. Come on."
"Uh, what?"
"What? I'm just saying. It's like you think he isn't good enough for you."
"The problem was me," You says. "It always was. It isn't his fault that I wasn't into him."
"You might really be a lesbian, then," Sara says solemnly. Something is up with her. But just thinking about trying to put it all together just leaves You with a sour taste in her mouth.
"Thanks?"
"So, who's the lucky girl?" Sara says, switching back to a happy-go-lucky tone.
"Her name's Rei," You answers. "After I got my hair cut, she started talking to me. She's really into botany. She says she wants to specialize in mitigating the effects of deforestation. And, um, I only realized she was flirting with me when she asked me out for coffee. And I like her a lot. She's...cute."
"Send me a picture, and I'll decide if that's right," Sara says. "Good luck on your date, or whatever."
"Thanks," You answers.
She's looking forward to it.
"You!" She turns to see Rei waving her over. "It's good to see you. How are you today?"
"Good," You says, sitting across from her. "Have you ordered?"
"Not yet, actually," she says, with a dimmer smile. "I'm not sure how you prefer your coffee."
"I only take it black," You says. "And you?"
"I actually prefer tea, to be honest," Rei answers. "Shall we?"
You gets up. They walk up to the register and place their orders. You ends up paying for their drinks, and Rei buys a slice of cake for them to split.
It's kinda nice.
"Actually, I have something to tell you," You says. She didn't know that she was a clone for most of her life, and Hokuto was there when she figured it out, so she's never come out as a clone before. "Um, I don't know if this is a dealbreaker for you or whatever. But I found out a couple months ago that I'm actually a clone."
"Really?" Rei says. She doesn't sound like she believes it. "I've always wanted to date a clone, you know?"
"Uh...what?" You asks. She thinks that's an appropriate reaction.
"Sorry." Rei has the decency to look sheepish. "I just...I think it's neat! You know, a lot of plants can actually reproduce via cloning, like succulents. You can take a clipping off of them and plant it, and it'll sprout a whole new plant! With the same genetic material, of course. It's good for farming because they can guarantee that plants will be exactly the same. Ever since I learned about the Clone Law, I've always wanted to be in a relationship with one!"
"Um...why...?"
"I dunno exactly..." Rei winds a strand of hair around her finger. "Just to be close with someone like that. And as a bonus, you're just my type! But I like you for you, you know? I really enjoy hanging out with you. It's nice that you're so dedicated. And...I think it's cute when you get angry."
You flushes. "Y-you really think so?"
"Of course I think so." Rei's smile is wide. It makes the room brighter.
"And...you really don't think I'm the inferior copy of someone?" She's really trying to not be a copy of her mom.
"You’re the superior one, if you're a copy at all," Rei answers, without missing a beat.
And from there, the date goes without any more hitches. You walks Rei to the station for her train, and Rei presses a kiss to her cheek before walking off.
"See you soon, You-chan."
You has to stand there for a moment, recovering.
After like, the twentieth time where Kaburaki has called for "You" and her and Mom both answered, he's taken to calling her "You-chan".
She doesn't know why it's so unsettling. She likes it when Rei calls her "You-chan", ringing sweetly like a bell. She hates it when Kaburaki calls her that, or when her lab partner does the same. Maybe it's just a problem when boys call her that. Or maybe it's just that she likes Rei, no matter what Rei wants to call her.
She wants to test it. Asking Sara would be weird. She wouldn't really get it. None of her friends at university are close enough, and You already has data for Rei. So that leaves one person. She dials his number and waits for him to pick up.
"Hokuto?"
"Hi," he answers. "How are you?"
"I'm good," she says. "I just...had a request for you."
"What is it?" he asks. He sounds curious, at least, which is good.
"Could you try referring to me with an honorific?" she asks.
"Like...You-san?"
She wrinkles her nose. "Too formal."
"Tanaka-san?"
"You sound like Sora," she says. "She only just started referring to Mom by name, and even then it's full first name every time."
"Okay, then...You-chan?"
She hums. It isn't like when Rei says it, only course. But it isn't as bad. It still doesn't really fit, though. "Okay."
"You-kun?" he tries, even less certain than before.
"That's the one," she says. "I like that."
"Okay, You-kun," he says. "If that's what you want me to call you, I can do that. But, um, is there any reason why?"
"Kaburaki started calling me You-chan," she answers. "'Cause he just calls Mom 'You'. And I can't stand it. My lab partner in my new classes also calls me that, and I don't like it from him, either. But..." Is she being an asshole if she tells her ex-boyfriend about her new girlfriend? Well, she was going to have to come out to him sooner or later. "My girlfriend calls me You-chan. And I like it when she does it."
"Your...girlfriend?"
"Her name is Rei," You says. "She's also from one of my new classes. I really like her."
"So..."
"I'm a lesbian," she says. "So it's not your fault, really. Maybe both of us were trying to be people we weren't."
"It's...nice that you figured that out," he says.
"Yeah," she says. "I should introduce you and Sara to her. She's a nice person."
"I'd like that, I think," he says. "Talk to me another time. Sara knows?"
"I called her when my girlfriend asked me out," You answers with a smile. "I had a bit of a crisis then."
"Well, I guess that makes sense."
"Hey!"
They both laugh for a bit. It's nice to be friends, without that pressure weighing on them. You can just be herself.
"You should meet my friends sometime," You tells Rei during their next study session. "My best friend was my kouhai in high school, and then there's her long-lost twin brother. I kinda helped them reunite. Long story. I dated him for a bit, but then he broke up with me, and I realized I was a lesbian."
"Well, if you're fine with me meeting your ex, then that's fine."
"Okay."
She holds Rei's hand as they walk towards the restaurant where they're meeting Sara and Hokuto. She's excited for it.
Sara is the one who spots her first, waving them over.
"Hi," You says. "This is Rei. My girlfriend. Rei, this is my best friend, Sara, and her brother, Hokuto." She sees Hokuto flinch a little at the comment.
"Okay, yeah," Sara says, "she's cute enough for you."
Rei bursts into laughter, and You can't help the soft smile on her face as she watches.
"I like your friends," Rei says afterwards. "But I felt like both of them were acting a bit strange."
"Sara has been off since Hokuto and I broke up," You explains. "She's never said anything bad to me since I came out to her. She had trouble believing it at first, though. I think...she's still kinda disappointed that Hokuto and I aren't going to date each other. I don't really want to ask her why. None of the things I've heard from her lead down paths I want to think about."
"Well, alright," Rei says, "as long as she won't steal you from under my nose." She smiles. She's always smiling. "I don't really think either of them will do that, though. You're all mine." She puts an arm around You's shoulders. You leans back in. "By the way, why does Hokuto-kun call you 'You-kun'?"
You stiffens. Rei's hand moves to between her shoulder blades, traces small circles there.
"Do you want me to?" she asks, infinite understanding pouring from her voice.
"My mom's boyfriend calls me 'You-chan'. And I hate it. I hate when my partner does it, too. But I like it when you do, so you can keep using it if you want."
"Okay. But if you want to be something other than my girlfriend, I'm okay with that, too."
"What are you talking about? It's not like I'm secretly a guy or something." She doesn't really want to be one, either. Being a girl isn't so bad, even if sometimes she wishes she could be something other than just a girl.
"I don't think you are. But there's more options besides boys and girls, and I'll still be your girlfriend no matter what you decide. But you should really tell Souji-kun -- and Kaburaki-san, was it? -- what you would prefer to be called by them."
"I'll give it a shot," You says. She leans against Rei, and stays in the comfort of their space.
"Hey, Kaburaki?" She sits up on one of the stools at the side counter in the kitchen. "Could you not call me 'You-chan' anymore? I know why, but just...pick some other honorific. Or use my surname. Either way is fine."
"Okay, You-san," he says. "If that's what you want."
It was that simple, the whole time.
You smiles. It should be no problem.
In the end, her lab partner picks "Tanaka-san", which is okay, because hopefully her lab partner will never know her mom.
Rei was right. She should have told them earlier, as soon as she got her conclusion from Hokuto.
Mom knocks as You is working on a paper for her class. "Can I come in?"
"Sure," You answers.
The door opens. Mom sits on You's bed. "So. Why did I have to hear about your partner from Sora?"
"From...Sora?"
"She said you had someone over, and later, she found the two of you napping together here. It's a straightforward conclusion."
"Oh."
"I'm not mad at you," she says. You looks at her. "I'm not mad at you because you like girls, or because you didn't tell me about her. I'm sorry it had to come out like this."
"We aren't...that serious," she says. "I didn't think it was time yet."
"I see."
"But...yeah. I'm gay. I have a girlfriend. She's one of my classmates. I only started dating her a couple weeks ago."
"Okay," Mom says. "That's fine. What's her name?"
"Her name is Rei," You says, "and I really like her."
"So, yeah, my mom has offered you a standing invitation to dinner. It'll be her, Kaburaki, and Sora, who...uh...is temporarily living with us. She doesn't really eat much, though."
"Wow," Rei says. "I'm glad your mom took it well."
"I...don't think you mentioned your family."
"That's because I haven't," Rei says. "My father told me to pack my bags when I told him I was gay. It's the 2030s, we've been able to get married for ages, and he still kicked me out."
"That sucks."
Rei's ever present smile is still on her face, but it's a bit dimmer. "My mom is trying to divorce him. I think. But he's...he took Mom's phone and blocked my number so she couldn't talk to me. And then my older brother...he moved out and never looked back. I don't know what he's doing now."
"Your father is a piece of shit," You says, low but angry. "I hope your mom can get out of that."
"Me too," Rei responds, "but that's why you can't meet your parents. I'm down to meet your mom, though."
"Great," You says. "Tonight?"
Rei blinks. "Well, you did say it was a standing invitation. Alright."
So You walks Rei to her home. Not for the first time, but this time with the knowledge that Mom will be home, and that's totally fine.
"So..."
The two of them are alone in the dining room right now. Kaburaki, Sora, and Mom are all in the kitchen, leaving them with a bit of privacy.
"So...?"
"Your mom," Rei says. "Are you..."
You sighs. "Yes, I'm her clone. It's complicated."
"I like you, remember?" Rei smiles wider. "I like that you're a clone, but I liked the other parts of you first. Besides, your mom isn't my type."
You lightly shoves her. "Shut up about my mom, okay?"
Rei just laughs in response.
"Murasawa-san, was it?" Sora says as she approaches, holding a couple plates of food.
"Yes, that's me," Rei answers. "It's a pleasure to meet you, ma'am."
"I'm Sora Akanegasaki," she says. "Dr. Tanaka has been kind enough to let me stay in her home since I left my job and had nowhere to stay in the interim."
"I see." She sounds a little skeptical, but there's nothing You can do about it.
"You’re one of Tanaka-san's classmates, yes?" Sora asks.
"As of lately, yes," Rei answers. "It was love at first sight for me, I think."
"You only noticed me because I got a haircut," You teases.
"I wasn't paying attention before. It's the first time I saw you." She blushes.
"I didn't realize until she asked me for coffee. That's when I realized that I liked her, and that she was asking me out, and I really did want to be with her. That I wanted to keep being around her, without any of the pretenses that we were only friends. I realized that Rei was flirting, and that I wanted her to keep doing it."
"Well, you're faster on the uptake than your mom."
You jumps.
"You must be Kaburaki-san, then." Rei bows her head. "It's an honor to meet you."
"Murasawa, right? Nice to meet you, too. My You didn't catch onto me having a crush on her for almost a decade." He smiles and sets the rice on the table. "So you're already doing better than me."
"That's omitting a lot of context." Mom approaches with the main dish, setting it on the table. "It's good to meet you, Rei-chan. I've heard a lot."
"It's nice to meet you too, Tanaka-san," Rei says. She gets up and bows. "Thank you for cloning yourself. I wouldn't have been able to date your daughter without you."
Mom laughs. You almost kind of forgot about the part where Rei is into her being a clone. It's a little weird. It's nice to have that acceptance, though. She knows what some people think of clones. It hasn't been that long since the Clone Law was passed, in the grand scheme of things. "I'm not sure you'd say the same thing if you knew why."
"I would say that no matter what," Rei says, smiling wider.
They end up holding hands under the table throughout dinner. You's grateful she taught herself to be ambidextrous.
She feels warm, and she's done it by being herself.
So, of course, that's the last good memory before Rei asks her for a serious conversation.
"Before we met, I tried applying for a study abroad opportunity," Rei says. "It was, um, with Leiblich before they dissolved. In Germany. They accepted me, but then that stuff in May happened, and I kinda thought it fell through. But they formed a splinter company, just German now, but they still have Japanese employees, and--"
Oh. Rei's leaving.
"--I read over their website, they have a code of ethics posted, and I got back to studying German, and...I decided I'm taking it." She lets out a large sigh at the end.
"Congratulations," You says, first. "You’re sure they're on the up and up?"
Rei nods. "I read all the stories about Leiblich. I know what they did to kids, what they did to their own scientists. If anything happens there, I will try my best to get out."
"My father was one of them," she confesses quietly. "Um, I mean, my grandfather. Genetic father, I guess? He worked for Leiblich. And he tried to speak out against them, and they held him hostage in IBF. And then he died in 2017."
"I'm so sorry," Rei says. "But -- that's not all I had to say."
And for the first time, You thinks, the light leaves her eyes.
Rei is almost always smiling, even when she's not happy. It's one of her little quirks, one of the ones You doesn't know whether to be concerned or happy about, like the clone thing. Or at least she looks like she's smiling.
"I...I'm not sure I can do long-distance." There's an outright frown on her face. "So...I don't know. This is goodbye, I think."
Fuck.
"You think?" It's a little mean, throwing it back in her face like this. They haven't even been together that long.
Rei's bottom lip trembles. You wants to kiss her, just so she doesn't have to see the hopelessness on her face.
"I don't want you to wait for me," Rei says. "I don't want to make you do that. And if the worst happens...I don't want you to feel that, too. Even before I knew about your grandfather."
"I love you," You says. "I could wait."
"...I don't want to wait, either," Rei finally says. "I like you a lot, really. I had fun. But I'm...not as invested in this as you, I think. So. Just...promise me you'll think about what I've said to you before."
"Okay," You says, still not entirely sure what Rei is talking about. "Good luck."
"Thank you," Rei says. "You too."
And that's it. From girlfriends to friends, again.
You calls Hokuto. She remembers her promise to Rei, to think about what she said, and You thinks she knows what part to address.
That it wouldn't be a bad thing, if she wasn't wholly a girl.
But that's kind of the thing. You went through the whole process of realizing that she's a lesbian. A woman attracted to other women, and zero men. Defining it like that makes it feel not quite right, but what else is there? You is supposed to be a woman or maybe a girl sometimes, and she knows now that she's exclusively attracted to other women. Being straight, from the other direction, isn't something that she thinks she is, either. The word "lesbian" is fine. The problem is everything else.
So. She's single again, she's questioning herself, and she remembers Hokuto's offer to take her shopping, to revitalize her wardrobe, and screw it, she needs a little reinvention.
"I don't know why I told you to ask me," he says. They're currently approaching a menswear shop. The types of things Hokuto prefers to wear, all dull formal practicalities.
"Why are you dragging me here?" she asks. "Think I'm not butch enough?"
"I don't really know what you want," he says. "You just told me 'Let’s go shopping!' and so now we're here. Did something happen?"
"Rei and I are done." You frowns.
"So this shopping trip is to bury your sorrows, got it."
She shoulder-checks him. "You are definitely the superior ex. Even if you're kind of an asshole."
Hokuto frowns. "What did Rei do?"
"Working for a goddamn Leiblich splinter." You kicks at a pebble on the road. "She said she read over their ethics policies and that they seem fine, in that respect, at least. I even told her about Dad -- ugh, whatever, I'm so tired of all this -- and she said that she would do her best to stay safe. I was really in love with her. And she liked me, but she said she didn't want to wait. And it's a big opportunity for her, I know that, but really? Leiblich?"
"I can't believe it's them again," he says. "Ruining your life from beyond the grave."
She snorts. "I'll ask Coco if that fourth dimensional guy can make sure my ex-girlfriend doesn't break up with me. Sounds like a plan."
He smiles. "She might actually do it. You better not bring it up around her."
"Sure, okay," You says. "What would he even do?"
"I dunno, tell your mom to go harder on Leiblich? But either way, I really don't wanna get possessed again. It was a little weird."
"I can imagine." Once she changed her major, she realized how much it felt like her mom was just pushing her towards an inevitable conclusion. Having some fourth-dimensional being literally doing that is probably even weirder.
"We wanted the same thing, in the end. Because we both wanted Father to live. So it worked out." He shrugs. "The rest is all water under the bridge. You know, Coco is actually pretty good at listening."
"I'm not venting to a fourteen year old," she deadpans. "You’re young enough to get away with it, at least."
"Your loss." He turns back to the store. "So, what are you looking for?"
"You have the right idea," she says, window shopping, looking at all the suits on mannequins. "But this is a little too formal for me."
"No, I mean--" He looks away, embarassed. "I wasn't going to get you a suit or anything. But you can layer a blazer over less formal clothes, and it still looks good."
"If you say so," she says.
So she gets fitted. They end up picking a navy blue blazer with a bolder pattern inside the jacket -- it feels playful, not as formal. The store workers are helpful if not fully understanding. She pays, because she's the one that has -- or, well, had a job. She should get on that. Eventually. Reevaluating her whole life probably comes first.
She likes the way it broadens her shoulders, makes her look like a bigger person. So afterwards, they go to a more casual shop and get her five new outfits, all of which pair well with the blazer, but work well on their own, too.
"Hey," she asks, "why don't you try something, too?" She pulls out something that's around his size, something that walks the same line she's on.
"Are you sure?" He looks at her, then at the clotheshanger, then at himself.
"Give it a try," she insists, shoving it into his hands and pushing him towards the fitting rooms. "You should be more adventurous, too."
It takes him longer than it probably should, but eventually, he emerges from the fitting room.
"Looking good, Hokuto-chan!" You calls, smiling. She says it as a joke, because otherwise it's too real. Too much, too soon, for her to acknowledge it is possible for them to be something else.
He blushes. You had half expected him to tell You to shove off.
"You liked that, didn't you?" You says, in a quieter voice.
He nods, his blush getting more intense.
"Okay then, Kimura-chan," You resolves. "If that's what you want me to call you, then I can do that. Like you're doing for me."
"You promise?"
"Yeah," You answers. "I promise."
"Then it's a deal, You-kun."
You feels a little jolt in her heart at the honorific. God, but she already figured it out. She never really liked boys. She never really liked Hokuto.
But...is Hokuto really a boy?
You's still trying to walk the line between being a girl and being a boy. She's still looking for what she really is, like she promised.
Maybe he's starting to look, too.
She's come to a conclusion, since then. She doesn't need to have it figured out fully. She can still say something. She can still sort things out, before the image of who everyone thinks she is drowns out who she really is.
"I haven't been here since..." You looks at the water. "Since we broke up. But I guess it's worth having a serious conversation here."
"I like the beach," Hokuto says, absent-minded.
"Well..." She sits down on the sand. "I want to tell you first, because you've already been willing to deal with my bullshit. And because I'm not really ready to tell anyone else. Definitely Mom, and...even not Sara, either."
His eyebrows shoot up.
"Rei asked me to promise something when we broke up. She said that I would think about something. You remember when I asked you to call me You-kun, right?"
He nods.
"Well, um, that's because I might not be a girl," she says. "I'm still a lesbian, just-- not entirely a girl. Being called one is fine, but I think I'd prefer to not really be referred to like that at all."
And there it is. It sounds a lot simpler when the words are coming out of her mouth, less complicated than the mess in her head.
"Okay," he says. "Do you still want me to call you You-kun, or something else?"
"I dunno," they answer. "Maybe try another nickname."
"Kana?"
They frown.
"Um...Aki, then?" Hokuto offers.
"I like that more," she says. She rolls it around in her head. Aki. Okay. "Okay."
"Okay," he parrots.
That...went well, at least. Now for everyone else. Or maybe some research, so she can explain to people who don't know all of the journey.
"I, um, asked Kaburaki a couple weeks ago to stop calling me You-chan," they say.
Mom nods. Sora also nods. Kaburaki says, "Mhm. I was there."
"And...um...it turns out...I've been talking to Rei and Hokuto, and I think I'd prefer the nickname Aki, from now on." It's their first step. The rest will come later.
Mom tilts her head. She seems worried. Kaburaki just nods, taking it in stride.
"And, uh, Sora, Tanaka-san is still okay." They make a thumbs-up. It feels awkward.
Sora smiles. "Alright, then."
It keeps being easy.
"Hi, Sara," Aki says. He has the blazer on today. Like armor, kinda. Why is he so scared to talk to his best friend? Besides Mom, Sara is the one who's known him the longest. And he has done his research. He's ready to explain himself to her, if that's what she needs.
"You said you wanted to talk?" Sara drums her fingers on the side of her coffee cup. Like him, Sara generally takes it black.
"Yeah," he says.
"I like your outfit," she comments. "It looks nice. Where did you get it?"
"Your brother took me shopping," Aki replies nonchalantly.
"What?" Sara says, clearly startled. "He did? Are you two back together? I knew you were just experimenting--"
"No," he says, cutting her off. "That isn't what I want to tell you."
"Then what is?"
"I decided to change my nickname." He takes a sip out of his coffee. "You can call me Aki now."
Sara narrows her eyes. "Is that why you started referring to yourself differently, too?"
Aki nods. "I think...I'm still a lesbian. Obviously. But that kind of is my gender, if that makes sense. You can call me whatever you want, I don't really care either way."
"I don't really get it," Sara says, "but okay. I like Aki. It's a good nickname."
He smiles. He's grateful that everyone has stood by him so far. That acceptance might not last, but for now, he sits at a café at a table with his best friend, and it's easy to be himself.