Chapter Text
First games back after a break always suck. None has sucked as much as this one.
Shane has had his fair share of games after being on IR for a while, but none have been like this before. He was back after being scratched in the aftermath of his and Ilya’s unfortunate coming out, and it was a shitshow. His teammates – excluding Hayden and JJ – were acting as though he wasn't even there. No one was there for his passes, nor were they watching his back, leading to Shane already being checked into the boards 15 times in the first period alone.
They were playing Boston, a team Shane used to be excited to play against, but now without a certain star center to meet for face offs, they’ve become one of Shane’s least favorite teams. The person they replaced Ilya with is – in both Shane and Ilya’s opinion – objectively boring. He’s some guy from Russia who is rough on the edges – like the Bears were trying to replace the Rozanov brand they spent almost a decade building. Unlike the original Russian, the man doesn’t chirp, he doesn’t respond to any words Shane throws his way. While that’s similar to how Shane plays, Shane also doesn’t play dirty like the new center. Anytime someone has the puck, they have an angery Bear shooting straight at them. He was the reason for about 60% of Shane’s checks tonight.
It was a harsh game. With no one looking out for him, the Voyagers had lost 5-2 with Shane getting one goal and assisting Hayden with the other. Even with Shane putting up both points on the board, the locker room was tense enough that Shane knew his team would blame him for the loss anyway. He had just come back from doing media, and all the questions had overwhelmed him more than usual. The reporters’ questions were invasive at best, everyone wanting to know private information about his and Ilya’s relationship. Shane had tried to get their attention back on actual hockey, but to no use; all they wanted to know was details about his relationship he wasn’t even fully comfortable discussing with his closest friends.
He just wanted to take a shower, go home, and call Ilya. Unfortunately, a quick look at his phone told Shane the last one probably wouldn’t happen. The Centaurs had just shut out Toronto 6-0 at home with Luca Hass getting his first hat trick. Even Ilya couldn’t back out of celebrating the team’s rookie, meaning it was a night of lying in his bed, wishing his fiance could be with him. His disappointment must’ve shown on his face as he heard an insult sent his way.
“Hey Holly, mad your regular cocksucker is too busy to play with you tonight? Don’t worry, there are definitely more of you freaks hanging about Montreal,” Comeau chirped. Shane wished he could kill him. Or at the very least, punch him. Comeau looks around with a smug chuckle as others like Drapeau laugh at Shane’s expense. Their laughs had never been so agitating before – they had never been aimed at Shane before – and it wasn’t helping him decompress after the media scrum he just had to endure.
Shane tried to ignore them while trying to get the gear that felt like fire ants off his body. Drapeau and Comeau were hopefully loud enough for him to fade into the shadows until he could get out of the locker room.
“Seeing as he’s still hanging about in here, I think he’s hoping it’ll be one of us,” Drapeau called out, “Isn’t that right, you cocksucker?” The room filled with laughter and jeers at the question.
“Sorry, but we’re all normal here. Go try your luck in New York, maybe Hunter and his bitch will let you be a third,” Lapointe chimes in, getting another burst of laughter to go through the lockers.
Shane was done. He was exhausted, and he could feel the noise prick upon his skin.
“Knock it off, assholes, as if Shane would ever go for one of your ugly dicks. He’s way too good for you.” Shane appreciated Hayden coming to his defense, but it had the opposite effect, as more chirps were just thrown his way instead. Hayden, realizing his failure, leaned down and whispered his apologies. “Sorry, I thought they might back off for once. Y’know, you can always come to mine if you need.”
“Thanks, Hayd,” Shane said in a low tone, “But I think I might just go home tonight, I’m pretty tired and just want sleep, and no offence, but that probably won’t be possible if I’m surrounded by 1000 kids.” In all honesty, Shane wanted to be alone. If it were anyone but Hayden being so close to him, he would’ve pushed them away to get some space.
“Ha. Ha. Roz is a bad influence, I swear to god. You used to love your godchildren.” Hayden replies in a sarcastic voice.
“I still do, I just love Ilya as well,” Shane explains. He was going to add something else when he heard a voice across the room.
“Looks like Hayden is shooting his shot regardless!” A rookie named Felix Lakin yells out, drawing attention to the two friends. Shane never really cared for Lakin; it was a shock he even made it into the MLH, much less on Montreal – though that didn’t stop him from giving unsolicited advice to anyone nearby. Shane typically tries to forget he even exists as he’s on the fourth line, yet right now Lakin is making that really hard.
“I told you Pike was a queer! Just like his boyfriend. Although you are as much of a freak as Rozanov, or can you actually choose if you’re a cocksucker or not?” Comeau directed the last bit towards Hayden, but all Shane could hear was the taunt at Ilya’s sexuality. Shane wanted to stay silent, but the insult to his boyfriend made the words he hadn’t been able to say come boiling up his throat.
“Ilya is bisexual, which, if any of you got your heads out of your asses, you would know it means he likes both men and women.” Shane had seen all the people online call the women Ilya used to sleep with covers for his gayness and had never been so mad on someone’s behalf. The thought of his team treating him the same way makes him want to explode with rage.
Comeau throws his hands up in a shrug and murmurs something to the guys around him that Shane didn’t quite hear. He didn’t care anymore; his gear was finally off, and ever since the video, he had decided to just suck it up and not shower at the arena anymore for the comfort of his team.
Well, their comfort and Shane’s safety. He tried to act as though everything was normal on the first day back and went to the shower. Drapeau had swiftly made it clear that next time he stepped into the showers with them, more than water and soap would hit the floor.
Anyways, with nothing left for him to do at the arena – Theriault canceling their meeting after today’s slaughter – Shane put the last few things in his bag and left the building. The prickling feeling all over intensifies as he gets in his car, sensing the drying sweat on his skin.
—
Driving home had never felt so tiring before. Shane likes driving; there are rules and regulations to it, but he hasn’t felt this exhausted from it since his first few long drives as a teen. It must be because of the hard game, but even after a typical loss like that, his nerves have never felt so… raw. The low lighting in his apartment felt blinding, the smell of his own sweat was overwhelming, his post-game clothes sticking to his chest were suffocating, and he could still taste the plastic of his mouth guard, even the small creaks in the floorboard set him on edge.
Shane wanted Ilya so bad. He didn’t even want sex – unlike the opinions of most of the Voyagers – he just wanted to be held by him, to be loved by him. Ilya was the pillar of his life, the reason Shane would ever consider giving up hockey. While being out had its downsides, it was the freest he had ever been. He was finally able to look at the man he loves like he’s in love, like the whole world revolves around Ilya and his gorgeous smile, because according to Shane, it does.
Ilya is the sun to Shane’s rainy days, literally bringing rainbows into his life. His golden curls are Shane’s favorite thing to play with. His laugh could be played on repeat for the rest of Shane’s life, and he would still not hear it enough. Yes, Ilya Rozanov was an attractive man and a sex god, but his softer, sweeter side will always be Shane’s favorite part of him.
Shane walks into his shower, still feeling the aftermath of not showering at the arena. Showering usually helps him when he feels this on edge, but today, it doesn’t. The stream of water hitting his face and body felt like rocks being thrown at him. He is convinced nothing will help him get back to normal.
After taking the quickest shower possible, Shane pads over to his closet and tries to find clothes that won’t overwhelm him further. Digging around, there’s seemingly nothing, and he’s about to deal with the no sleep that's bound to come with the uncomfy pj’s, when Shane spots a familiar black and yellow jersey.
When he pulls it out, he recognizes it as Ilya’s old Bears jersey. The 81 was plastered across the back and upper arms. The C over where Ilya’s heart used to be. The stupid logo is placed on the stomach with the bear looking more silly than intimidating than Shane remembered.
Shane remembers when this ended up at his house. Ilya had come over about three weeks after the plane incident and had jokingly worn the thing around the house for some reason. It was later discarded on the bedroom floor as they got distracted and never picked it up, as Ilya chose to wear a sweatshirt back instead. Shane had put it in his closet to give back the next time their schedules aligned, but had never remembered as he was absorbed in his now finance. He hadn’t washed it, but it didn’t smell bad, luckily. Actually, it kinda smelled like…
He puts his nose to the fabric and sniffs. Shane can still sense the lingering smell of Ilya – some fancy cologne, sweat, and an overall scent of just Ilya. He can feel himself unwind as he is reminded of the man he loves. Shane makes a quick decision, grabs a pair of boxers, and takes the jersey out of his closet to change into.
Shane walks back to the kitchen area and makes himself a smoothie, which he downs quickly. He tries to tell himself it tastes good, but he doesn’t have the energy to make it work this time.
With food in his stomach, Shane retreats to his room and climbs into bed. He goes to Ilya’s side and tries to read a book, but his brain hurts, and he just wants to go to sleep. Unfortunately, he can’t seem to turn his mind off enough to fall asleep. He tosses and turns in the big empty bed and tries not to think about how much he wants Ilya. Even with them being out, they still can’t see each other for more than a couple of days every few weeks.
Shane keeps trying to go to bed until he gives up and just lies there, not moving, so as not to upset the nerves on his skin. It was about one in the morning when he finally felt the claws of sleep wrap around his body. As he was about to let himself rest, he heard the sound of the front door unlocked and opened with a simple call to the house.
“Shane?”
Ilya.