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Baran sat in her car, brain racing and adrenaline still on high from her shouting match with Robby. His words continued to run through her head but her anger was slowly subsiding into confusion. And exhaustion. She was absolutely exhausted from this day. Turning the car on, she hesitated. Just slightly. She can drive, she knew she could drive. She drove here this morning. She’d been driving for twelve years now.
Shaking her head she put her car in drive and pulled out of her spot. It immediately felt wrong. “You shouldn’t be driving at all like this”. She imagined her son in the car with her and stopped after just a few feet. None of this was fair. Deep down she knew he was right, she just hadn’t allowed herself to believe it. But why was this happening? Was it really due to the stressor of working a peds case for the first time since the maternity ward? The exhaustion and confusion melded it’s way into grief as she broke down; mourning the way that she thought the day was going to go. Mourning the fact that despite her overwhelming amount of experience and expertise and joy for the work, she wasn’t going to be able to do her job to the fullest extent for a little while.
The disappointment and frustration was almost too much. The first time it happened today, Baran had really just been in shock. It had been so long since she had an episode it didn’t even feel real. Therefore, she went on throughout the day pretending it didn’t happen. The second time it happened she was starting to panic. And to make things even more confusing, she could tell that Robby knew something was going on- which really unnerved her. Nobody had ever noticed before. Ever. Her first reaction was to stay as far away from him as possible. Hiding out in patients rooms and keeping an eye out on his whereabouts . Towards the end of the shift however, she knew she had to do something.
The decision to share her diagnosis and today’s episodes with him had actually come easier than she imagined, although she was terrified to open up. Maybe it was because he saw her. He saw that something was wrong, and even though she’d only known him for this one shift, she felt compelled to share this part of herself with him.
She wasn’t looking for comfort. She was looking for answers and direction, but she was still in so much denial. She lashed out when he called her on it, even though subconsciously she wanted to share this with him for that very reason.
With a sigh, Baran slowly pulled back into a spot, turned off the car, and stepped out. The warm night air felt refreshing. But now what? Her son was staying with his father tonight so she didn’t need to be home right away, but she also didn’t want to stay at the hospital any longer. Her mind went back to Robby. Should she find him and apologize? To be fair, he should apologize as well. What he said may have been accurate but his delivery could have been a hell of a lot nicer.
Would he even still be here? Most likely, she thought. She walked back to the ambulance bay of the hospital and sure enough, his bike was still there. Walking over to near where he parked, she lowered herself onto the curb, back resting against the wall with her knees drawn up towards her chest and her head resting in her hands. She decided she would just wait here. From what she’d gathered today Robby loved this damn bike so she was pretty confident he wasn’t going to leave without it. She didn’t even notice the grip on her car keys was so tight that the metal was digging into her skin. What a fucking day.
Baran wasn’t sure how long she sat there, but it couldn’t have been more than a few minutes before she heard the doors opening up behind her. She sensed it was him before he even spoke.
“Baran?” He questioned towards her back.
Why did it make her heart flutter when he said her name like that? She turned her head to assess him as he walked towards her. His face seemed pale; eyes red rimmed and glassy as if he had been crying as well. Maybe they were both just as fucked up.
Baran sighed and stood up, turning towards him.
“Robby” she started. “I just wanted to..” she paused. “I just wanted to say that you were right. I shouldn’t be driving. I need to disclose. I’m just… disappointed and angry at the situation. It’s not exactly how I imagined my first shift going. And I meant it when I said I valued your opinion. I think part of me knew telling you was the only way I was going to be able to face the truth.” She said with a self-deprecating smile. “I just wanted you to know before you left. I didn’t want to leave things like that. But for the record, you could have gone about that discussion a whole different way.”
Robby shook his head and looked down, nervously grabbing the back of his neck.
“I know, I’m glad you’re still here I wanted to apologize for being a real..”
-“Asshole? Jerk?” Baran interjected.
Robby smiled and shook his head again.
“Yeah, that I guess” he laughed. “Truly I am worried though and believe it or not, it’s not just about this hospital. It’s..” he paused. “It’s about your safety just as much. I didn’t want you driving after you’ve had two episodes in a day when you’ve been seizure free for so long. I guess I just could have expressed that in a different way other than anger. But these last couple of hours have been..”
-“Rough?” Baran added.
“That.” Robby said.
Baran took a deep breath.
“Well, Dr. Robinavitch, I must say that’s an interesting assessment coming from you.” She said.
Robby raised a questioning eyebrow.
“Look,” Baran started. “It’s been a long day. And throughout this long day I’ve come to know you a little better. And I’ve come to know all these people a little better” she gestured towards the hospital. “And I believe a great deal of people in there are worried about you and your safety. I don’t know what you have planned for your sabbatical. All I know is what I’ve picked up on throughout the day. You want to take a solo trip, that’s fine. I think you need that. But just be sure that you are taking this trip for the betterment of yourself.”
“What do you mean?” Robby questioned.
“I mean- look at you right now Robby, you look like shit, no offense. And I ran into Dana crying earlier and all I could get out of her was that she was worried about you and something you said. McKay told me the same thing. I don’t know what you’ve been telling people, but I can only imagine. Just… don’t turn this into some suicide mission. You are a great doctor Robinavitch but you are not God. You don’t need to shoulder all of the weight of everybody’s problems. You’ve been through shit, and trust me, I get it. I’m not saying I know anything about what you have been through, but what I am saying is that PTSD is real. What you are feeling is real, and there isn’t some easy fix that’s going to make it all go away. You just need to take a step back and separate yourself from this hospital. You call it your hospital and your ER, and yes you may run things but you are not this hospital. Find out who you are separate from Department Chair and Attending Doctor Robinavitch. I think everyone can and will respect that. So take your trip, but do it safely. Prioritize yourself and figure out what you need so that you can come back in one piece to all of these people who respect and care about you.”
Robby just stared at her for a moment. His eyes looked glassy again.
“I..” he started, seemingly determined at first to fight back against her judgment. But then he sighed, dropping his shoulders. “I don’t know if I know where to begin.”
“That makes two of us.” Said Baran. “You know, you and I are more alike than I initially thought.” She chuckled. “This morning I thought we were going to bump heads on every turn. Not just in our approach to treatment but in our approach to life. And we definitely did, but you know what? Somehow.. I feel that I’ve known you for a long time, and I think it’s because I see parts of myself in you.” She looked down, finding particular interest in a large crack in the sidewalk. It was becoming too much to continue to Iook at Robby. Too many emotions of his and hers were reflected in his eyes.
“I think we could work well together .” She continued. “If it all works out. But first, you and I both need to take some time and figure our shit out” she laughed.
Robby smiled again and she felt that maybe, just maybe, she was succeeding in knocking some common sense into that thick skull of his. If anything, at least she tried.
“And Robby, I truly truly hope you are smarter than to start that journey tonight.” She nodded her head towards his motorcycle. “You need sleep first. So go ahead, go home, rest.”
“Whatever you say Dr. Al-Hashimi. I will do my very best.” Said Robby with a grin.
Baran rolled her eyes. “That’s all I ask Dr. Robinavitch.” She smiled.
Robby got a thoughtful look on his face then.
“What about you? How are you getting home?” He asked.
“Oh I’ll call an Uber. Get somebody to bring the car back to my place at some point since I won’t be driving it for a while” she replied, dejectedly as she once again realized the truth of the situation.
He walked closer to her then, slowly taking the car keys she hadn’t realized she was still holding out of her hand. He paused slightly when he noticed the angry red marks from her tight grip on them. They both just looked at it for a moment before she dropped her hand.
“Let me drive you. I can just get an Uber back here to my bike. It’s the least I can do after what I’ve put you through today.” He smiled again.
Baran looked up at him. She was still so confused by this man. Some moments she was dumbfounded by his approaches and thought processes, but other moments she felt like she knew him better than she should know somebody she just met today.
“Are you sure? I don’t want to take time out of your rest time before your big journey…” Baran stated.
Robby shook his head. “‘No, no I insist. It’s fine, this way you don’t have to worry about getting your car out of here. And I promise I will get an adequate amount of rest before I start my trip tomorrow Dr. Al-Hashimi” he emphasized the word tomorrow.
“Well then, Dr. Robinavitch, I guess I will let you be my chauffeur for the evening.” She smirked up at him. She had gotten a kick out flirting with him throughout the day. It seemed to get a reaction out of him every time, which she took great pride in. She swore she could see a slight color forming on his cheeks right now.
They walked back up towards the parking garage in silence. Baran led the way to her car, gesturing towards the drivers side once they reached it.
“Let’s hit the road then” Baran said once they were both in the car.
The ride was mostly silent, albeit the times Baran had to give directions. The tiredness from the long day absolutely taking over both of them. Once they arrived, Robby pulled into the driveway and turned off the car. They both just sat there for another moment, heads resting back against the head rests. Baran turned to face him then, lightly laughing.
“What?” Robby asked, smiling himself.
“I never imagined you would see where I lived on the first day of work, we’re moving awfully fast arent we?” She raised an eyebrow.
Robby laughed again, and she swore she saw another blush. He shook his head and then ducked down to be able to see the whole house through the front windshield.
“Very nice, Dr. Al-Hashimi, I approve.” Robby said.
“Well thank you, I’m so glad my living arrangement has your approval now.” She shook her head.
They got out of the car then, Robby tossing the keys to Baran as she walked around the car.
“You have a son right? Is he home?” Robby asked.
“No, he’s with his father tonight, thankfully. I’m not ready to break the news to him yet.” Baran responded.
She walked up to the door thumbing through her keys to find the right one. She got the door unlocked and turned around, seeing Robby still leaning against the outside of her car, phone in hand.
“You can come inside while you wait if you want, I promise there’s nothing too scary in here.” She smiled.
Robby laughed and pushed himself off the car.
“I guess I’ll take you up on that since the nearest Uber is supposed to take 20 minutes to get here. I almost forgot it was a holiday.”
They walked inside into the living room, Robby looking around to take it all in.
“Make yourself comfortable” she said, “I’ll be right back.”
Baran walked upstairs to her bedroom and closed the door, leaning against the back of it and closing her eyes once she was inside. She still wasn’t sure how she felt about this man, but now he was in her house. Which was fine, it didn’t mean anything. But why was she so nervous? She went over to her dresser and rummaged through a drawer until she found her favorite pair of sweats. She had to get out of these scrub pants, she’d just been too on edge to do it at the hospital. She quickly changed and walked back downstairs to see Robby sitting on her couch, head laid back and eyes closed. Baran cleared her throat lightly, trying to announce her presence subtly so she didn’t scare him. He opened one eye and watched as she walked over towards him.
Baran took a seat on the recliner across from the couch.
“Thank you.” She said. “For all of it. And… can I see your phone?” The phone was still in his hand, the Uber app open showing the path of his eventual driver.
He raised his eyebrows in question again, but handed the phone over across the coffee table.
She took his phone, going over to the contacts, she put her number in under “Baran”. It felt more personal that way but she really didn’t care. She texted herself from his phone so she’d have his number too. Just in case.
“There.” She said, tossing the phone back over to him, with her contact still pulled up on the screen. Seeing it, he smiled towards her.
“Thanks.” He said.
“In case you need somebody on the outside to talk to while you're out there.” She said.
“On the outside?” He questioned.
“Yeah. On the perimeter I guess. I know you want to clear your head so you most likely won’t want to contact many people from work while you’re out there. But I probably won’t be at work for a little while. And I just started today, so technically, I’m on the outside.” She replied.
Robby smiled again. “I’ll keep this handy then.”
Just then his phone chimed.
He looked down at it, squinting his eyes to read better.
“Ah! Looks like they found a driver closer by, he’ll be here in about one minute so I guess I’ll..” he trailed off pointing his thumb towards the front door.
Was she imaging it or was that a look of slight disappointment on his face?
He stood then, with her following suit. They walked to the door and Robby opened it, peering outside. A car was rounding the corner and slowing to a stop near her house.
“Well, I guess this is it for awhile then. I uh,” he stammered. “I will see you on the other side Dr. Al-Hashimi. You can keep me posted. If you want. About uh, about what administration says and your neurologist.” He looked down nervously. “I wouldn’t mind if you did.” He finished.
Baran swallowed. Looking up at him once again. “Thank you. I’ll keep that in mind.” Part of her wanted to hug this man she had just met. To tell him once again to be safe. To tell him that people valued his life and that he should too. But instead, she stuck out her hand towards him. He looked down at it and smirked, taking her hand for another handshake. Reminiscent of their very first encounter this morning- which in reality felt like an entire lifetime ago.
“Dr. Robinavitch. It was a pleasure getting to know you today.” Baran smiled.
Robby smiled back. “Likewise”. He turned then, beginning to walk towards the parked uber. Their hands staying linked a little longer than necessary. Finally his hand slid from hers and she watched him walk away. She really hoped that anything she had said tonight had resonated with him. He looked back once more once he reached the door, opening it to climb inside. He gave a small wave that she returned. Then finally she closed the door and went back inside.
Sitting on the couch and reclining back, Baran dug her phone out of her pocket. One notification lit up the screen. The text she had sent herself from Robby’s phone. She quickly added his contact under ‘Robby’. She opened the message and stared at the screen for a moment. Was it crazy that in some messed up way she already missed him?
She started typing, then shook her head and erased it. This was unnecessary. But then she began again, hesitating and erasing her typed message once more. The third time she decided to just do it. She typed out three words and pressed send.
“Please be safe”.