Chapter Text
Dan has been staring at the same word for at least ten minutes by now.
done
It does seem like an ordinary word and, indeed, it is an ordinary word. One among many, many ordinary words in this book he needs to read.
Why has he been staring at the word, though? No particular reason, it just happened to be the one he’s got stuck on when Dan's crisis stroke again and distracted him from trying to read the book.
One out of the ridiculous number of books he should be reading for one among way too many modules of his ridiculous course.
Law.
What did make him think it was a good idea to study law, for fuck's sake?
Yeah, it's a pretty good choice in general, he could get a nice career out of that and he's always been pretty good at studying, but-
-but why.
What is the point?
How is he supposed to go through the whole course, through all these years? He's barely just started. It's Dan's third week and he's already panicking while thinking of the exams.
And it's ten o'clock. At night. On Friday, for fuck's sake.
He's just started and, instead of going out with his... with the people he lives with at the university accommodation or people he knows from his lectures, he stayed at home to panic.
Then, as a silly idea to maybe try to make himself feel better by maybe doing something more productive, Dan decided he could go to a library and actually study.
A great idea, of course. In theory.
Because all he managed to do was changing the location of his hyperventilation practices.
Dan blows out all the air out of his lungs, making a weird, quiet sound through it.
This crap is just not doable at all.
He drops his head onto the book.
Impossible.
What is the fucking point, anyway?
What is the point of making himself go through years of studying things he doesn't even like?
And what then? What does happen after that?
Dan whines super quietly as he puts hands onto his head.
What is he even doing?
He takes a few deep breaths and sits up slowly, trying to calm down. There's no need for a panic attack, he's in a public place, he-
Dan makes awkward eye contact with a guy sitting three tables further.
So maybe he was slightly louder than he planned on being. And definitely acting weird, too.
He looks down to his book.
done with the
Dan is done with, too.
So, so badly.
He wants to hit the table with his head again, but as he glances to the side, he sees that the other guy is still staring at him.
Dan stands up and quickly walks away toward the bathroom.
Yes, that's actually a great idea. A quick freak out in a toilet, away from strangers’ confused looks.
Perfect.
When he gets in, Dan quickly locks the stall door and sits down on the closed toilet lid.
And that's when it turns out that maybe staying around people was a better idea. It was definitely more awkward, but here, with nobody to see, Dan's existential crisis hits hard. That shouldn’t be a surprise, as It always hits harder whenever he’s alone, which unfortunately is most of the time.
It is only a few minutes into the freak out that blinking through the tears Dan notices a colourful sticker on the door in front of him.
University nightline. 8pm to 8am
Yeah, he has heard of it, that it is supposed to be a number you can call and talk to a person about some problems or whatever.
Dan has no idea who would even volunteer to do that? People needing more credit, if you could get any doing that? People wanting to be seen as good and kind and oh-so-wonderful? Overachieving do-gooders with nothing to do at night but listening to whining teenagers?
Neither of those sounds like a person Dan would like to talk to.
But for some reason he finds himself putting the number into his cell phone and pressing the green button quickly, before he manages to convince himself it's a crap idea.
Well, he is a whiny teenager, so the person might as well listen to his silly complains. That's why they're there. To listen to people and their problems and-
Dan panics and immediately regrets calling. Because, exactly, they should be talking with people that have real problems, real worries. Not some paranoid kid that just doesn't know what he wants. He needs to hang up fast, before-
"Hi."
Dan pauses.
Too late.
What now? What does he do now? What does he say? That was such a horrible idea, he-
"Hello? You okay there?"
The guy's voice is pretty low, but he sounds nice and warm, with a proper Northern accent. He also sounds pretty worried and that finally makes Dan speak up.
"Uh, hi." Dan has never been good at talking to strangers, especially on the cell phone.
"Hey. How are you doing tonight?"
Dan takes a breath in. That's a trick question. He should lie, of course, then he can hang up and the guy can help someone who actually needs help.
"Uh, okay."
"Alright." The guy sounds like he doesn't quite believe Dan. Dan is not surprised, he doesn't believe himself either. "Do you want to talk about something in particular or just a random topic?"
Dan kind of likes how the guy's voice sounds like he's smiling, a real, honest smile.
"Not really."
Dan wants to swear at himself at how stupid and difficult he's being.
"That's fine, too." The guy must have patience of a saint, his voice still warm and kind. "Are you at home? Or, well, the accommodation?"
"In the toilet," Dan answers thoughtlessly. Then he panics again. "I mean, the library."
The guy chuckles quietly. Dan doesn't mind, because it doesn't feel like the guy's laughing at him, more like with him.
"The library toilet, then? Was it my sticker that got your attention?"
Dan looks back to the sticker on the door.
"Yours?"
"Yeah. It's a new design, new stickers. I put it there today."
Dan smiles briefly, trying to imagine a guy putting stickers on the all the toilet doors in the building. It must've looked a bit sketchy.
Dan isn't sure how to imagine the guy, though. He guesses lots of colours, judging by both the stickers and the warmth in the voice. Maybe a short, colourfully dressed person with a wide smile? Maybe with colourful hair as well? Spreading warmth and content wherever he goes?
"It's nice."
"Thank you." The guy is surely grinning. "I made it myself."
"Really?" Dan smiles softly at the sticker. "Cute." He pauses. "I mean, the sticker, not you- I mean, not that you're not cute- Or maybe- Uh-"
Dan panics. Does he tell a stranger they're cute or not cute? What is the appropriate behaviour in this situation?
The guy chuckles again.
"I'm not cute. I'm manly."
Dan snorts before he can stop himself.
"Sorry," Dan quickly says, because he also doesn't think doubting out loud when a person says i'm manly is nice. It's probably rude. The guy has been very kind so far, Dan doesn't want to offend him.
"No worries," he says, obviously amused and definitely not offended.
"So, what are you doing at a library on a Friday night?" the guy asks after a moment of silence.
Dan tenses. That's quite what he liked not talking about.
"Uh. Studying." He's sure he sounds so uncomfortable.
"What are you studying then?" The guy asks, his voice gentler now, as if he knows that they're on more sensitive subject now.
"Law."
"Wow, that's real cool. It sounds difficult, though."
Dan is not sure what to answer to that, so he goes for a simplest option.
"It is."
"Do you like it?" is like the question Dan has always hoped not to hear.
He takes a long while to answer, breathing weirdly and he's sure the guy can hear every tiniest sound he makes.
"Uh, it's fine," he finally manages.
The guy hums in confirmation, as if thinking of what to say to that.
Dan sighs. He's so awkward that he makes a guy who's supposed to be comforting people feel awkward as well.
"But do you like what you're doing there?"
Once again, Dan takes forever to answer. The guy needs to stop asking such difficult questions.
"It's fine," he says again and swears in his mind for being so stupid.
"Why law?"
At least an easier question this time, though Dan feels like it's a trick one this time.
"It's a reasonable choice? Can find a job after that?" Dan has no idea whether he's answering or actually asking the guy.
"And what do you want to do after your degree? Like, a court lawyer? A solicitor? A judge, maybe? Or something else I have no idea about, since I don't know much about law?"
Dan is about to have a panic attack, trying to figure out an answer. There just isn't one, of course, he has no idea what he wants to do after his degree, assuming he actually survives and manages to pass, which sometimes seems way less likely than getting hit by a truck and just being done with it.
"Hello? Are you there?"
Dan is still trying to find the appropriate answer to the previous question that he only succeeds at answering with a pitiful whine.
He hears a sad sigh and immediately feels even worse. He made the guy feel sad, it's all because of him, all the warmth and smiles gone and-
"May I ask what's your name?"
Dan's existential crisis pauses for a moment.
"Wasn't this supposed to be like anonymous or something?"
"It is as anonymous as you want it to be. But, really, it's only your name. And Manchester University has like over thirty thousand students, just your name is definitely not enough to know who you are," the guy explains, the warmth back in his voice.
"Dan." Dan finally says after a long moment. "I'm Dan."
"As in Daniel?"
Dan frowns at that. He can hear the guy is just being cheeky, though.
"Just Dan."
"Alright, Just Dan. It's very nice to meet you," a laughing voice says and Dan feels a bit happier inside at the small Harry Potter reference. "I'm Phil."
Dan smiles softly at that. Phil. That name sounds nice and warm; it actually fits the guy's voice.
"Phil," he repeats, a bit thoughtlessly.
"Exactly. The Amazing Phil, ready to hear your worries and help. And make puns that some people think are very bad for some unexplainable reason. My puns are awesome, though."
Dan actually chuckles. He really, honestly chuckles, both amused and exasperated at how silly but, indeed, amazing Phil is being.
Phil feels more real now, too, with a name to go with the voice. It's still the easiness of talking to someone who has no means to judge him, as they've never properly met or seen each other, but it's slightly more intimate, too.
Dan takes a deep breath and decides to try to maybe explain what it is that he's freaking him out so badly. Maybe that'll help. Maybe that'll make it feel less serious. Maybe Phil will give Dan some advice that may actually help, along with silly jokes and puns that will definitely make Dan laugh, though he'll pretend they're ridiculous and not funny in the slightest.
Dan knows it's probably not very healthy, but maybe he can cope for a bit longer.
"So. The law thing," he kind of starts and Phil hums as a mean of ensuring Dan that he's listening.
Dan smiles nervously and begins talking.