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When did the kitchen become his safe place? Thinking back, it had been for a while actually. It was the place he felt most at home. So he probably shouldn’t be surprised, that he subconsciously went here to think about everything. He didn’t know how to manage the situation. It was getting clearer by the minute, that he didn’t know his mother at all. He had this perfect picture of her in his mind, partly constructed by his father’s stories, partly by his own few memories of her and partly by a concept of how the ideal mother should be, as he started to realize just now.
But Mary Winchester wasn’t like that in the slightest.
He knew it wasn’t fair to be disappointed or even hurt by the fact that his mother was a real person, rather than a 1950s TV housewife, but he couldn’t help it. He just needed a little time, to get used to the thought. And to figure out how he should treat her or talk to her. He just wished he didn’t have to do it alone, but he had nobody to talk to.
Sam was still too overwhelmed by the news that their mother was alive again, that Dean was alive, that Chuck was alive, that for once in their lives, everything had went well, to be concerned about possible problems that could arise from this new reality. And the kid had absolutely no memories of Mary, so he at least didn’t have some weird image off her that could be destroyed.
Cas was in the wind again, chasing Lucifer. Cas… Dean wished the angel was there. He wished – his thoughts were interrupted by his ringing phone.
He took it out of his pocket and glanced at the display, then answered it with a smile.
“Hey Cas, what’re you up to? I was just thinking about you.”
“Hello Dean.” The voice of his angel came from the speaker. “I know; that is why I’m calling. I got the feeling you… needed me.”
Dean could almost see Castiel frown and look a little uncertain at that.
“You know what Cas, you’re right. I was just thinking that I wished you were here with me.” Dean didn’t know where his sudden courage to confess this came from, but he was determined not to back down.
“Dean, are you alright? Have you been drinking?” Cas sounded surprised and very concerned now.
“Yes Cas, of course I been drinkin’” Dean chuckled. “But that’s not the reason I wished you were here. It’s just… my mom, she’s so different than I expected and I don’t know how to talk to her and I could really use someone to talk to about this and I… I wish I had you to talk about this…”
Dean knew he was rambling, but he couldn’t help himself. He simply wanted Cas sitting next to him on the kitchen floor.
“You still there, buddy?” Dean cringed when that word left his mouth. That term was so insufficient for Cas, but he always fell back on it.
“Yes Dean, I’m here.” The deep voice soothed Dean’s pain, like it always did. “Wait a moment…”
Dean took the opportunity to take a sip of his beer. Somewhere in the bunker a door clapped, surely Sammy or Mom, on their way to bed.
Then the kitchen door opened and in came Castiel. Dean could only stare at the angel closing the door behind himself.
“Cas?” The angel turned to Dean smiling when he said his name. “What are you doing here? I thought you were halfway through the state already.”
“I was, but then I started to feel that you needed me a few hours ago and decided to come back.” Cas had taken off his trench coat and put it on the counter, sitting down next to Dean.
Dean looked at the angel; he still couldn’t believe that he was really there. Then he smiled and pulled Cas into a tight hug, made just a little bit awkward by both of them sitting shoulder to shoulder.
“I'm so glad you're here, man. Thank you.“
“Of course Dean. I always try to be there for you when you need me; it just takes a little longer nowadays without my wings.” They sat there in silence for a few moments, looking at the photos in dean's lap, ‘til Cas asked "Do you want to talk?"
Dean took a deep breath and, weirdly courageous all of a sudden, put his head on Cas’ shoulder. “I don’t know man, it’s just hard for me. I know you think we humans tend to make things needlessly complicated, but I can’t help it. It looks like I don’t know her at all and that’ll take some getting used to. In the meantime she tells me, what a great father my dad was and I’m just sitting there, biting my tongue, because I don’t wanna burst her bubble.”
He looked at the old family pictures, took a sip of his beer and went on, head still rested comfortably on Castiel’s shoulder. “It’s just… She loves him so much. How can I tell her, that he left us alone for weeks without enough money to feed ourselves, dragged us from town to town, always on the move, always on the run. She never wanted this kind of life for us, but here we are.”
Cas was silent for a while. Then he took a picture of Mary and John from the stash on Dean’s lap. “I’m sure you’ll find a way, Dean. You’ll find a way to tell her about your childhood without causing her too much pain. Your mother is an intelligent woman and a hunter. I’m sure she will understand that the John she knew wasn’t the same man that raised you and Sam. She will find a way for herself to handle this.”
Dean chuckled a little. “We’re getting better at this.”
“At what?” Cas asked confused. Dean just knew the angel tilted his head at this, even if he couldn’t see it.
“Talking. We’re getting better at talking about things. Problems, thoughts…” Dean paused. “…feelings…”
He could feel Cas taking a sharp breath at this. Dean felt impossibly safe in this moment, head on his angel’s shoulder. He had the feeling it was now or never, so he soldiered on.
“Cas, I thought I’d lost you. When we found out, that you had let Lucifer in and it started to look like that was a permanent thing, a part of me was convinced, that this time, I wouldn’t get you back.”
Castiel’s body had frozen at Dean’s words, but Dean couldn’t stop now.
“Back when I thought I wouldn’t survive the Mark, I promised myself, that I would tell you the truth if by some miracle I got rid of the thing. But then the whole thing with Amara happened and it was never the right time. Then there was Lucifer and when he was gone, I wanted to finally tell you. But next thing I knew, I had to say goodbye to all of you, because I volunteered as bomb. And I thought, telling you then would be unfair and I didn’t do it. But now…”
Dean took a sip of his beer, thankful that Cas seemed to sense that he shouldn’t say anything at the moment.
“Now, seeing my mom grieving for dad and regretting all the things she never got to say to him, I realize that it’s fucking stupid to always wait for the right moment. This right here is the right moment.”
Obviously Cas couldn’t keep silent any longer. “The right moment for what, Dean? What do you want to tell me?”
Dean took a steadying breath and lifted his head off Castiel’s shoulder. He wanted to look at his angel for this.
“Cas,” he said, without even noticing that his hand had found Castiel’s, “thinking that I lost you… It nearly broke me. I need you in my life, I need you here with me; you’re my best friend, you’re family.”
Hearing that, Cas smiled at him, but Dean wasn’t finished yet, so he went on. “But what’s most important is… Cas, I love you. I haven’t said those words to anyone since my mother died, but for years now I’ve wanted to say them to you. I just never had the guts to do it. But this ends now. I love you.”
Castiel stared at him with wide eyes. “Dean, I… Do you… Do you mean ‘love’ like a brother or…?”
Dean smiled. “What I mean is, I’m in love with you. Have been for years.”
Cas’ free hand flew up to Dean’s face, lightly caressing his stubbled cheek. “Oh Dean, I love you, too. I never thought…”
That was all Dean needed to hear. He closed the remaining space between them and softly kissed his angel’s lips.
The End