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“We can’t change partners after we get them assigned?” Jason asked for the second time.
“Yes,” his teacher said for the second time, quite patiently to her credit. Jason bit the inside of his cheek to keep his face neutral, but she seemed to notice his disappointment. “It’s only for a few weeks, Jason. It’ll be fine.”
“I know. It’s okay.”
She tilted her head. “Maybe you can teach her a thing or two,” she whispered conspiratorially, before moving on.
But honestly, Jason’s problem wasn’t with his partner Clarisse. She was a huge asshole, yes, but she wasn’t as bad as most of the teachers made her out to be. And even if he couldn’t force her to do any work, well, he was used to shouldering the burden when it came to group projects.
The problem was Will Solace.
Jason had realised he was in love with Nico di Angelo four months, three weeks, and two days ago. He’d been friends with Nico for much longer—three years, seven months. The fact that he knew that number, counted it out obsessively in his mind, never helped his case.
It was one thing to go through all the turmoil, all the sleepless nights, all the “Am I Gay?” quizzes and nightmares about ruining his friendship with Nico. It was another thing to actually try to get with the guy.
Even after all this time, Jason couldn’t say he knew everything about him. He liked that, actually. He liked that there was always something else to discover. Another anecdote, another scar, another favourite or hobby. Nico was a world he never got tired of exploring.
He didn’t know everything about him. He probably never would.
He didn’t know if Nico liked Will Solace.
Will was pretty openly bisexual. His face was, like, moderately handsome, Jason supposed. He had thick sunshine yellow hair, blonder than Jason, and he was nice and sociable. And he was chill. When you asked someone about Will Solace, you got the same answer from ninety percent of people: Him? Yeah, he’s chill.
Did Nico like that? Did Nico like chill guys? Jason was sometimes the worrywart between the two of them, so maybe Nico preferred someone who was more laidback. Who wasn’t capable of caring.
Jason was the student council president. Even when he didn’t want to care, it didn’t feel like he had that option.
In some ways Nico was the only thing that felt separate from that life. He felt his most real self when he was with Nico, so every group project they could feasibly have together, they did. Nico never seemed to mind it.
Now Will Solace was pushing his chair closer to him until they were nearly shoulder-to-shoulder in a way that wasn’t fucking necessary and Nico wasn’t pushing him away.
You have the whole back row! Jason screamed in his mind. You don’t have to breathe up his ass!
“What the hell’s your problem?” Clarisse asked.
“Nothing,” Jason said. He’d almost said Will Solace.
And he could tell. Maybe it was that ‘gaydar’ thing he’d heard about during his long nights of Googling. Maybe—although he hated to admit this—he saw a little bit of himself in Will too. The way he looked at Nico.
He raised his hand to brush Nico’s hair back as it blocked his view of the page. Nico shook his head apologetically but still made no move to put distance between them.
Nico, who was usually so aware of his own personal space. Nico, who sometimes shied away from even Jason’s touch, and they were best friends.
Fuck. Excuse the language. Fuck, he was so fucked.
“Miss, can I go to the bathroom?” He asked, shooting his arm up. He didn’t want to spend another minute in this classroom watching Will try to make a move on his best friend. His best friend who he loved.
Once he had the permission, Jason walked out of the classroom—with average speed, of course, because he was a very reasonable and self-controlled young man—and down the hallway. They had Literature class on the fourth floor, which was the most dilapidated floor of all.
The lockers that lined the hall were out of use, most of the locks broken and some with smashed in faces. Half of the classrooms were completely empty, and it was rare for the corridor lights to be turned on. Even now they were off, leaving Jason to walk eerily in the dark.
He didn’t mind it so much. Being friends with Nico had led him to some ominous places.
One time they had come here past school hours. Jason had stayed late for a student council meeting and Nico had waited for him, because he was awesome, and they hung out here together. According to Nico, the bathroom at the end of the hall was haunted.
“I was pissing in there, and I heard the doors next to mine slam over and over again,” he said matter-of-factly, like it didn’t bother him at all. “And nobody was in there. I didn’t hear any footsteps, and I checked after I was done too.”
“What the hell,” Jason said. He had a feeling he was way more creeped out by the secondhand account than Nico had actually been experiencing it. “That’s so scary.”
Nico smiled. “I ran out of there like a bat out of hell,” he said, though he was probably dramatizing it for Jason’s sake. He wasn’t easily scared by stuff like that.
“Jeez. I’ll just use the third floor bathroom, thanks…”
Jason wasn’t worried about that right now though. Even as he thought about it, he couldn’t bring himself to feel scared, or to even think about whatever ghosts lay in the toilet stall. No, the only nightmare swirling around in his mind was the thought of Nico together with Will Solace.
Hugging, holding hands, kissing. He imagined Nico’s voice saying it—this is Will, my boyfriend. It sounded unnatural, but it still managed to piss Jason off.
What if Nico started calling Will instead whenever he felt upset? What if he told Will all the things he had told Jason and not anybody else, about his sister and his family and his writing and his Mythomagic card collection? What if they spent all the hours after school together? Then where would Jason be?
What if Will bought slushies for Nico at the 7-Eleven across the street? When that was Jason’s job?
He slammed the bathroom door open in his anger, and it crashed against the wall with a bang. In the back of his mind Jason felt a little bad, but every time he thought about Nico and Will together, he felt the strange desire to keel over and die on the floor.
Yeah, he was being a little overdramatic. But last he’d seen before exiting the classroom, Will was touching Nico’s arm, his bare arm exposed by the rolled-up sleeve of his aviator jacket.
He hated everything about that so much.
If Nico got together with him… if Nico got together with anybody else. Jason would be happy for him. Because Nico’s happiness came above his, and he wasn’t going to be selfish enough to reject that.
He just needed one moment to collect himself.
Jason splashed water on his face and let it run down his neck. When he got back to the classroom, he would act normal. And if, if, in a few weeks’ time, Nico told him that he and Will were going out… well, Jason would act normal about that too.
Just a few minutes to pull himself together. He turned the sink knob to the coldest it could get and splashed himself with water again.
Now that he was a little calmed down, he could hear a scuffling and creaking. It was the telltale sound of someone with their back against the flimsy plastic stall walls. Nobody was at the urinals but he turned toward the toilet stalls, all the doors closed, eyes wide.
Oh no. Nico was right. This place was haunted.
When one of the toilet doors flew open, Jason’s heart leapt in his chest. He squeaked. For a second he thought he was going to die.
But what emerged from the stall wasn’t a ghost. It was a guy.
Two guys, actually.
“Jesus, relax. What’s your problem?” Leo Valdez asked, scratching the back of his head. His hair was mussed up more than usual and he looked more annoyed than Jason had ever seen him.
He marched over to the sinks to splash his own face with water. Jason looked at the other boy with him. Frank Zhang. Right. He’d never really talked to Frank. But he knew he was on the soccer team.
“Sorry, I just thought… you kinda scared me,” Jason said, not wanting to admit he’d believed in a paranormal superstition. Maybe Nico had made the whole thing up knowing Jason would buy into it and embarrass himself. That seemed like something Nico would do.
Leo laughed. “Afraid of little ol’ me?”
“What were you guys doing in the toilet stall together?”
“Nothing,” Frank said, at the same time Leo responded with an amused “Frank needed help peeing.”
Frank turned to glare at him. “Oh, fuck you. Don’t listen to him, Jason. I pee just fine on my own.”
“Yeah, I… I got that.” Now he remembered why he didn’t hang out much with either Frank or Leo: they were kind of weird. Leo especially never seemed to take things seriously, even though he famously had the highest scores out of everyone in their grade. It made Jason a little jealous.
Leo hopped up onto the sinks and started swinging his legs. Frank closed the toilet stall door behind him and leaned against it. He wasn’t washing his hands, which was nasty if he had really been pissing, but Jason didn’t say that.
Neither of them seemed intent on leaving the bathroom any time soon.
“Wait,” Jason realised, “you guys are skipping class.”
“What!” Leo slapped his own cheeks with his hands in faux surprise. He put on the most comically surprised expression he could and Jason already knew he was about to be made fun of. “We are? Frank, we are? Did you know about this? We’re skipping class?!”
The corners of Frank’s lips twitched, but he resisted laughter. He turned to Jason and said, “Yeah. We are. Because language class sucks.”
“It sucks and is boring,” Leo affirmed, knocking his head back against the mirrors. “The only thing that’s almost as bad as Lang is Gym. But at least Frank and I have that together.”
“Even if you always focus me during dodgeball.”
“Not my fault you’re such a big target!”
Leo splashed water from the sink at Frank, who huffed grumpily and batted the water away. For a second Jason thought he would pounce on Leo and he would have to pull them apart from fighting, but he only sighed and resigned himself to being bothered.
Jason felt a punch on his shoulder. Belatedly he realised it was Leo, who was apparently stronger than he looked. “You’re not gonna tell on us, are you? Mr. Student Council President? Mr. Goody-two-shoes?”
“No I’m not,” Jason said hastily. He tucked his hands into his jacket pockets. “I don’t care that much.”
“Wow,” Frank deadpanned, “you corrupted him, Valdez.”
“Oh come on, how is it my fault? Let’s share the blame.”
They talked about him like he wasn’t right there and listening to them.
“Hey, I’m not that…” He trailed off. Not that what? Good? Obedient? The truth was that he didn’t blame them for thinking that way. He’d always done things like everyone expected him to. His teachers, his family, even his friends.
And now that he was used to it, he couldn’t do things any other way even if he wanted to. It was easier to just live the way he had always lived. Sometimes he forgot that the certificates and titles and reputation actually meant something to other people.
Well, it still kind of annoyed him when they talked about him like that.
“It’s okay, I get it,” Frank said kindly. Jason wasn’t sure if he did, because the only thing notable about Frank was his position on the soccer team, but it was still nice to hear it.
“You should probably get back to class now,” Leo chirped, “they’re probably missing you like crazy right now. Oh Jason, our perfect student, where are you? We’re so totally lost without you…”
Ignoring the teasing, the thought of going back to class made Jason balk. If he entered the class and Nico and Will were still cuddled up close to each other, he wasn’t sure what he would do. Cry, probably. In front of everyone.
God, he was supposed to be pulling himself together. But the memory still stung him deep in his chest like a blade through the heart.
He didn’t want Nico to be with anyone else. It wasn’t just Will Solace. It could be anybody, the kindest sweetest most handsome man in the world, and Jason would still hate it. Because he wanted Nico to be with him.
Ugh.
Staring down at the floor, Jason muttered, “I don’t really feel like going back.”
The next thing he knew Leo’s face was inches away from his. He had a look of surprise written all over him, this time genuine. Maybe? He was kind of hard to read.
“You? Jason Grace? Skipping class?” He looked amused. “Something’s wrong, huh?”
“What? No!” How did he know?
Leo tapped his chin. “I don’t believe you. You look like someone just shot your dog. Oh shit, don’t tell me that’s actually what happened. I’d feel like an asshole.”
“You are an asshole,” Frank said, bored enough to be squinting at his nails even though they were cut so short there was nothing to inspect.
“But you love me,” Leo cooed, which was not graced with a response. He nudged Jason. “So what’s the deal, buddy? If you’re gonna skip we might as well chit-chat. Clearly something’s on your mind.”
Jason fiddled with his fingers. Even if he didn’t know these two very well, that was kind of a plus. They didn’t know Jason enough to judge him.
Maybe if he got this stuff off his chest, he could be less pathetic.
“Don’t tell anyone, alright?” Jason finally said. Leo clapped his hands together and held them in front of his mouth as if in solemn prayer.
“Swear, dude. Frank will also swear.”
“I swear on my grandmother’s life I won’t tell.”
That seemed pretty extreme to Jason, but Leo huffed and crossed his arms. “Frank! You hate your grandma! Swear on something else.”
“Okay! I swear on my… gun collection. Yes.”
You care about your gun collection more than your grandmother? Jason wanted to ask, but now they were both looking at him expectantly, and he was feeling the pressure to give them what they wanted. Which was teenage drama.
How to even explain this? Jason rubbed his face. “I have this friend. That I really like. Like, like like. romantically.”
At that, Frank leaned in, seeming considerably more interested. Typical. Jason supposed there was no backing down now, though he could at the very least avoid coming out. “She’s really cool, but I know she probably doesn’t have any feelings for me. Even though… I’m just so into her.”
The eager, gleeful look on Leo’s face was replaced by a serious one. Well, more serious than usual. He wasn’t sure if it was possible for Leo to come off as completely somber.
“Been there,” Leo said sympathetically.
“And I think there’s some other guy who likes her. I just kept thinking about it, and I—I…” What were the words to sum it all up? What could he say to describe the nausea in his stomach and the pain that made him light-headed? “I just couldn’t take it.”
Embarrassed, he buried his face in his hands. His eyes were dry, but he did feel kind of close to tears. So he hid himself just in case. He didn’t want to let Frank and Leo see him crying.
“I know,” he said, voice muffled through his hands, “that it’s super lame, but I just can’t help feeling… like I’m about to die when I see them together.”
“Yeah, that’s kinda lame.”
“Valdez.”
“So what? We’re all lame sometimes!” Leo turned his palms up defensively. “I get it. It sounds like you like this chick a lot. There’s nothing wrong with being jealous. Even when it’s not a girl. Frank gets jealous all the time. One time I was at church and he sent me a voicemail saying he would lock me in his basement and torture me if I didn’t pick up his call.”
“Okay, that was—I was joking! It was a joke.”
Leo sent Jason a glance with his mouth pulled into a grimace and shook his head. Definitely not a joke, he mouthed.
“Right, it does happen to everybody, I know,” Jason admitted. “But I’m h…er friend. I feel like I should be supportive. And I want her to be happy! I really do!”
“But you also want to be with her,” Frank finished for him understandingly. Jason nodded, head heavy.
“Does she seem to like this other guy?” Leo scooted back even further on the sinks and crossed his legs. He stapled his fingers together and propped his chin up on them thoughtfully. “Is he a total uggo? I don’t think you’ve got anything to worry about if he is.”
It would really be nice if he were, Jason thought. Sadly, that wasn’t the case. “No, he isn’t… it’s, um, you know Will Solace?”
“Oh, yeah.” Leo nodded sagely. “He’s chill.”
“In my opinion, true beauty comes from personality, not looks,” Frank said. He paused. Leo rolled his eyes. “But I guess physically speaking, Will isn’t very ugly.”
“That’s the problem, right? I’m so worried he—she actually likes him. If they got together I’d be cool with it, I don’t have anything against him specifically, I just…” Jason scratched his head.
“She might not like him back, you know. If you’re just going off assumptions, I mean, you can never know for sure,” Frank offered. It seemed like he was way better at this advice thing than Leo.
Jason hummed. That was right. He got way too in his head over this, but he wouldn’t know unless he asked. Nico always told him about the things going on in his life.
It probably didn’t mean anything that Will was bisexual and single and getting all up in Nico’s personal space. And it probably didn’t mean anything that Nico wasn’t pushing him out of that personal space. None of it meant anything at all.
Hopefully.
“You should just ask.” Leo shrugged. “If y’all are friends, it’s normal to talk about stuff like that. Just ask her if she wants to fuck Will Solace and hope she says no.”
Frank hummed. “Yes… well, don’t ask her like that. But still ask her. But in the meantime, I don’t think it’s any use just stressing about it or letting it upset you.”
“Right. Okay.” A weight lifted itself off Jason’s shoulders. Then it came crashing back down at his next thought. “What if he says yes, though?”
“Who?”
“I mean, my friend,” Jason caught himself, “what if she says yes? That she does like Will?”
Leo laughed. “Then fucking sucks to be you, huh?” Which wasn’t very reassuring.
“Ooh! That’s why you should just make a move before Will does!” Frank suggested. He seemed so excited as if it were that easy. “Just confess your feelings. Maybe she feels the same way as you do… you never know.”
“I—I don’t know. I don’t think she likes me in that way.”
Smiling, Frank tilted his head. “Come on. What if she’s thinking that same thing?”
Against his better judgment, Jason let the idea get to him. His breath caught. He wasn’t stupid—of course he’d thought about it. The picturesque fantasy that maybe, even if it was only the slimmest possibility, Nico liked Jason the same way Jason liked him.
They could go on dates. Even if they already went out together pretty much every day, it would be different if they were really a couple. They could do all sorts of things couples did, and Jason finally wouldn’t have to watch his own words in fear of being truthful about his feelings.
If only.
“If only,” Jason said. “If she doesn’t really like me, everything is ruined. It’s too big of a risk to take.”
He expected them to give him false platitudes, to reassure him that no, of course Nico liked him. If it was Thalia, that was probably what she would say. But they didn’t seem interested in that kind of nicety.
“That’s just the way it is, ain’t it?” Leo said. He seemed sincere, reaching over to slap Jason’s back in comfort. “Whatever happens, you’ll be alright. If she’s really your friend, she won’t give a damn.”
Frank nodded.
Jason breathed in deep. Logically he knew the two of them could only say that because they were so separated from the situation, that they didn’t truly understand or know anything about him. They didn’t even know who Nico was.
It still made him feel better to hear it.
“I’ll think about it. Um… thanks for the advice.” His voice was weak, but he hoped it got through to them how grateful he really was.
“Thanks for the entertainment!” Leo crowed, hands crossed behind his head. He uncrossed his legs and almost fell into the sink bowl by mistake, the faucet hitting him in the ass. “Ow.”
For the first time since Jason came in, Frank laughed.
“Who is this girl anyway?” He asked Jason. “Is she close to you? I don’t think I’ve ever seen you be all that close with another girl. Except for Piper I guess. But I’m pretty sure she’s gay, so you have no luck there…”
“Don’t try to guess,” Jason scoffed.
“Reyna,” Leo said, “Drew, Lavinia, Gwen?”
“Even if you get it right I’m not going to tell you,” Jason said, hoping the blush wasn’t as visible on his cheeks as it felt. Leo made a disappointed sound but reluctantly gave up.
Frank pushed himself away from the toilet stall. “Anyway, we should probably go. We were gonna go to that Applebee’s, remember? Near the hotel?”
Leo brightened. “Oh, hell yeah.”
Before Jason could ask what hotel they were talking about and why they were skipping class to go to Applebee’s, someone burst into the bathroom. This time Jason recognised who it was right away—how could he not?
He spent his days looking at that face, that figure. And when he wasn’t, he was thinking about it.
“What happened?” Nico asked. His eyebrows were furrowed, but he mostly seemed more confused than angry. “Have you… just been in the bathroom? I thought something happened.”
“Hey, di Angelo, this guy was cutting class with us,” Leo said cheerily, hopping off the sink. He slapped Jason on the back again, so hard it felt like he nearly smacked his lungs out of his mouth.
Nico raised an eyebrow at Leo, then turned to smile at Jason. Pathetically, it sent butterflies fluttering all around Jason’s stomach. Sometimes it was too much to have that small, restrained smile directed at him.
“Wow. Congratulations.” He punched Jason on the arm.
“Sorry, I just wasn’t feeling that well,” he explained, body sore from all the abuse it had taken from various boys throughout the afternoon. “Did she send you to retrieve me? I’ll go back now.”
He laughed. “Jason, you’re ridiculous. It’s over. Class is over.”
“Oh.”
“Well, we’ll see ya guys around,” Leo said, pushing past Jason and Nico with his arms looped around Frank’s arm, pulling him along.
Frank turned back to smile genially at him. “Good luck with your girl, Jason.”
Nico whipped back around, his eyes demanding answers wordlessly. Thanks a lot, Frank, Jason cursed in his head, even though he knew it was technically his fault.
Before Jason could construct a good enough excuse, Nico waved him off. “Just… tell me later. I want a slushie from 7-Eleven. And we need to submit our math assignments.”
“Shit, you’re right. Let’s go.”
It was a good thing, too. All the time spent submitting papers and walking out of the school, down the street under the lines of trees and the autumn leaves falling to the ground, gave Jason a lot of time to think about what to say.
They crossed the street to the 7-Eleven. It was always cute to see Nico still in his school get-up, his plain t-shirt under his plain jacket because the school didn’t like the decorative patches on the one he usually wore, but outside the school grounds.
An orange leaf fell into his hair, getting stuck in his ponytail. Jason brushed it away and Nico murmured his thanks.
“So what’s this about your girl,” Nico said once they were inside the store.
Jason snorted. “They were just being weird about Reyna. I told them a bit about the argument we had and they assumed we were like that, for some reason.”
“Hm. Gross.” Nico perused the shelves of chips and popcorn like he didn’t get the same thing every time. “Straight guys are weird. …Yes, Jason, except you.”
He always knew what joke Jason would make before he could make it. The funny part was that he wasn’t even straight anymore, but it still felt good to keep up the ruse, play the role.
It would be nice if things could stay this way forever.
“Don’t hang out with those two. They had this thing with my sister. I don’t like to think about it.”
“I wasn’t planning on it. You know they were using the same toilet stall when I came into the bathroom? Who does that?”
“Ew.”
“That’s what I was thinking.”
When it came to slushies Jason liked to alternate flavours every time, but Nico chose the blueberry one every time. The sight of him, so serious and unflappable, with a tongue dyed blue was always hilarious.
But Jason swore they were getting more expensive every time they came here. Another reason Will Solace couldn’t possibly hope to replace him. Only Jason had the allowance necessary for this kind of thing.
Jason cringed at himself. Yeah, there was something wrong with him.
“So how did it go?” He asked once they were outside and loitering around. “The group project. Your partner is Will Solace, right?”
His voice was nonchalant. Indifferent even. As if he hadn’t spent the last hour spiralling about it.
“It was fine. You would know if you hadn’t skipped to spend time with Jackass #1 and #2 in the bathroom,” Nico teased. He took a long sip of his slushie, which he always did without getting brain freeze somehow.
“What about Will?”
“What about him?”
Did he make a move on you? A million questions swirled through Jason’s mind, none of them sufficiently conspicuous. Why was he so close to you? Why didn’t you push him away? Does he like you? Do you like him? Do you like him more than me?
Jason shrugged. “He seems very… tactile.”
“Yeah. It’s annoying.” His heart lifted at the words, though he tried not to let it show. “We’re gonna meet next week to finish it up. I’m just gonna get it over and done with. Since you and I were planning to go to that pet convention—I don’t want this stuff to get in the way.”
He said it matter-of-factly. In another situation maybe Jason wouldn’t have thought anything of it at all. But now he felt like getting up and dancing down the street.
No way, he thought, gazing at Nico adoringly. Yeah, there’s no way you like him more than me.
Thank god for that.
Today’s slushie flavour was pretty good: grape. They walked home, cups in hand, and when Jason put his arm around Nico’s shoulder he didn’t shrug it off. It was normal, how used Nico had grown to Jason’s physical contact, but it made him happy. No one else could do this.
Maybe Frank and Leo were right. Maybe one day he would tell Nico how he felt. But there was no rush.
They had all the time in the world.