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“Grace have mate, question?”
The question hits me, and for a moment, I am unable to answer. I had thought about it before, when I had first woken up and was desperately trying to piece together who I was. Trying to recall any romantic connections I may have had back on Earth, anything that might clue me in to who I was. A few brief memories and emotions had flickered through my mind: a blurry face and a sense of nervousness as I had my first kiss in high school, a college fling with my randomly assigned roommate, a girl's face who brought up feelings of disappointment every time I recalled it. There was more, though, something, someone, I was missing. I felt it, accompanied by a deep pit in my chest every time I tried to recall the memories.
“...Yes,” I answer hesitantly, “At least I think I might have.”
“Amaze, amaze, amaze! What Grace mate like, question?”
I smile sadly, “I can’t remember. I know it’s there… I just…” A memory hits me, a hand on my face. It’s soft, no, it’s calloused, or is it both? A firm voice speaking to me, it fluctuates, one moment it’s low and rumbling, the next higher and smooth. I squeeze my eyes shut and place my forehead on my knees.
“I get flashes of them. But I can’t remember anything specific.”
Rocky’s silent for a moment. “Rocky’s sorry, Grace deserves to remember, mate.”
It’s like talking about them out loud is opening the floodgates. Another flash hits me. I’m leaning on a railing, and two warm bodies are on either side of me. We’re talking, I can’t recall about what, but I know that the person on the left is laughing along with me as we talk. When I look over, I can see the person on my right is smiling softly, watching the two of us converse.
“...I think I might have had two, two mates,” I say before thinking, not even stopping to consider that perhaps Eridian culture is very against nonmonogamous relationships. But Rocky only lets out a high whistle tone - which he will later tell me is akin to a noise of approval, and I will mentally file it as an Eridian wolf-whistle - and began speaking excitedly.
“Grace was able to remember more about mates, amaze! Grace has two mates!”
“Yeah, I think talking about them is helping my memory.”
“Rocky helping, Rocky keeps asking questions, statement. What are mates’ names, question?”
I furrow my brows. More memories are coming in now, well, they're more akin to feelings attached to either person. The person who had been on my right was firm and commanded a presence wherever she went; her demeanor softened when it was just the three of us. Her fingers through my hair when I couldn’t sleep at night, the two of us sat together at meetings, a solid, comforting presence at my side.
The other person was taller and broader than us. His presence was comforting as well, but also validating. I could talk to him about various scientific things that meant nothing to him, and he would still listen. I could enlist his help for any of my projects, and he would always help, no matter how little sense I made to him.
Rocky’s voice snaps me out of my memories, “Grace can’t remember, question?”
I don’t respond, their names are on the tip of my tongue if I could just remember-
His wide smile that’s in tune with my own, a head of red hair that she would pin up into a perfect bun before sleeping. It hits me then, the identity of my partners, and I place my head in my hands.
“Oh no…” I groan slightly and press my head harder into my hands.
“What, what is problem, question?”
“I was sleeping with my superiors.”
Rocky makes a confused noise at that, obviously not understanding the human stigma that usually surrounds situations like this.
But after the initial shock faded, a sense of certainty settled in me. Yes, it was Carl who would stay with me in the lab until ungodly hours of the night. And it was Stratt who would drag the two of us out, claiming, in a stern voice, ‘I can’t have my best scientist and my head of security sleep deprived and unable to do their jobs.’
Carl and I would exchange a glance behind her back, knowing that the annoyance in her voice was only there to conceal the concern she really felt. It feels so right and is so obvious to me now, I can’t help but feel like an idiot for not realizing before.
God, I can’t imagine what the jokes among the rest of the ship were like.
“Carl. And Eva, but I’m pretty sure we still just called her Stratt.” I say with a small laugh.
“Amaze, amaze, amaze! Grace remembers! Grace tells Rocky more about mates, question?”
We spend the rest of the night exchanging stories about our partners.
I still can’t remember much, but I tell Rocky what I can.
In turn, Rocky tells me how he and Adrian first met while working and had become friends. Rocky had been wanting to court Adrian for a while, but couldn’t work up the courage to ask. Until one day, Adrian had told Rocky that they knew about Rocky’s feelings and that they would also like to start courting. Apparently, the other Eridian still teased Rocky about his nervousness years after the fact.
The story seems almost familiar to me, and I had a sneaking suspicion that my relationship with Carl and Stratt might have started similarly. The exact memory still evaded me, though I hoped it would come back with time.
I hoped everything would come back with time. I couldn’t remember every exact instant from the years we had spent together, but I remembered the way I felt. I knew the chances of me seeing them again were slim, but I wanted to cling to anything that reminded me of Earth, of myself.
No matter how much it hurt, I wanted to remember them.