Chapter Text
Dear James,
James Fleamont Potter. I knew your name before I ever saw your face. That was your fault, by the way. Entirely. Because my brother couldn't shut up about you. James this, James that—you'd love him, Reg, he's so funny, he pulled the most insane prank last week, James thinks, James said—James, James, James. It was the name I heard more than my own.
I remember sitting at the breakfast table when I was ten, listening to Sirius say your name over and over again, and thinking—does he even remember he has a brother? It's a horrible thing to think. I know. But I was ten, and I didn't know how to say I'm scared Sirius loves you more than he loves me without it sounding bitter. So instead, I just decided I hated you.
But then I actually met you.
At King's Cross. Sirius had run ahead to find your family. I was standing by the barrier with my trolley. Mum was saying something behind me. I wasn't really listening.
Because I saw you.
You were laughing at something your dad said, and your dad was laughing too. Your mum had her hand on your shoulder. And, God, I never thought I'd see the sun up close. I still remember your messy hair and those stupid glasses that didn't fit your face properly. You were just… so much, all at once. That was the moment I finally understood what Sirius had been going on about.
Sirius crashed into me, nearly knocking me over, grabbed my arm and said, Reg, come on, come meet James.
And you looked at me.
You smiled at me—and it was the same smile you'd been giving your dad thirty seconds ago. We introduced ourselves, and then you were already digging around in your pocket before you'd even finished talking. You pulled out a Chocolate Frog and handed it to me.
And that was it. I was completely, catastrophically gone for you.
From that day on, you became the sun in my life. The sun to my star.
I finally understood why Sirius loved you so much. I watched you and thought, oh. Oh, I see.
At Hogwarts, in my first year, I used to look for you in the Great Hall. I'd sit there and think you were the most wonderful thing I'd ever seen, and I didn't know how to make it stop. But you were always busy—always talking to your red-haired friend. I didn't even know her name back then.
I thought maybe we could be friends, at least. You were Sirius' best friend. I'm his brother. It didn't feel impossible.
But then Sirius left me. And every single one of my worst thoughts came true.
He walked out the front door and didn't come back. And he went to you. Of course he went to you. Where else would he go? He had a whole life with you that I didn't know anything about.
He went to you and not to me. I know I'm much younger than you, but I could help him too, you know? There's nothing in this world that I wouldn't do for him.
I had to find out he left from my mother's fury and the empty room down the hall.
I needed someone to be angry at. I couldn't be angry at Sirius. I've never been able to stay angry at him. Even now. It's one of the most inconvenient things about loving him. So all of it went to you instead.
You took my brother. You gave him somewhere better to go, now I'm stuck in that house alone, and it's your fault. Never mind that the house was awful. Never mind that maybe he needed to leave. Never mind that you probably saved him from something I don't even want to think about too hard.
It's still your fault. That's what I told myself. It was so much easier to hate you than to blame Sirius.
And then, after everything, when Sirius and I finally started talking again, you offered to let me stay with you too. I said yes immediately. There's nowhere I wouldn't go if Sirius is there.
But I was still angry. I think that's why I keep raising my voice every time you try to talk to me. I know you're trying to be kind, there's just a lot in me that I don't know what to do with. I swear I'm not trying to be violent.
I guess what I’m trying to say is… I’m really sorry, James. You’ve always been kind to me (when you’re not teasing me!). But I can’t help feeling angry at you all the time.
But sometimes, I still think of you as the sun to my star. You’ll always be my sun.
—R.A.B