Chapter Text
The evening wind steals into his chest, making breathing even more difficult than it already is. The fire in front of him does little to alleviate that chill. The cold heavy weight of his armor pushes onto his chest. I don’t think I’m going to make it this time.
He looks over and sees Merlin moving around the camp, the desperation rolling off his shoulders in massive waves that Arthur can just about see. He knows it too. Arthur does a sad little smile to himself. But he can’t say it or see it yet.
Merlin continues moving around the camp, anxiety making his motions both fluid and jerky. Arthur watches him pick up the water skin and come over to Arthur. Merlin helps him to take a small drink. Emotion wells up in him at this simple act of comfort and care. This beautiful, wonderful man. Why did he stay? Why does he stay when I’ve never treated him as he deserves, never saw how much he would do, how much he helped me?
“Merlin.” Merlin looks at him, so close. His gaze makes Arthur pause a beat. “Whatever happens…”
“Shh!” Merlin shakes his head. “Don’t talk.”
Arthur rolls his eyes and his heavy head lolls about minutely. “I’m the King, Merlin. You can’t tell me what to do.”
Merlin softly chuckles and Arthur loves the sound. One that hadn’t heard in what seems like forever. “I always have,” he smirks. I’m not going to change now.”
Arthur looks in his eyes fully. He sees this man in front of him where he saw a boy so little time ago. Suddenly, Arthur knows the worst part of this whole thing. He loves him. Arthur loves Merlin so terribly much. And it is only now, that death is so close that Arthur can recognize it, mourn what could or maybe even should have been.
A conversation flashes in his mind of him talking to Guinevere. He vaguely remembers saying he has a wish that sometimes he could run away to a small farm with Merlin. Gods. How could I have been so dense? It really was right there.
He remembers the face Guinevere gave, not of offense or contempt, but understanding. She really did know better than me.
“I don’t want you to change,” he says quietly. Merlin continues to look at him in confusion. “I want you to always be you.” A small smile ghosts across Merlin’s face, one more of disbelief than joy.
Guilt weighs on Arthur. All of the years of yelling or name calling flash across his vision. Even more recently he thinks of the past few hours, days, where he was so cruel to Merlin. This poor man, who is confused by kindness. He was scared. Of course he wouldn’t tell me. Uther was right there. Why did I blame him? A lump gets stuck in his throat. He wants to apologize. No. He needs to apologize.
Arthur raises his hand, the intense desire to hold Merlin's face is strong. Arthur knows that he shouldn't. That there's no way he would be allowed to. Merlin would let him of course, there's not much that he had ever not let Arthur do to him. I really am such an idiot. How did I not know? How much time did I waste? And Arthur knows that even if he wants to hold Merlin, there is no way he can now. His fingers curl, pointing now to Merlin to stave off his own love for this beautiful, infuriatingly good man.
“I’m sorry how I treated you.” Arthur can’t find the strength to keep his head up for much longer. He feels a soft thump on his chest and a whispered hey. The sound is so soft and sweet that Arthur feels a lump in his throat. He tries to raise his head again towards the sweet voice. His eyes meet deep and concerned blue.
“Hey,” the sweet voice says, pain in the face that haunts Arthur as much as it calms him. “Does that mean you’re gonna give me a day off?”
“Two,” he breathed out. A ghost of a smile flittered across his mouth. Merlin’s eyes lighted with humor but also fear. A smile that echoed Arthur’s own appeared on Merlin’s face.
“That’s generous,” Merlin whispered. Arthur felt the darkness filtering around his eyes and mind. No. I want to stay awake. I have to stay awake. But the darkness climbed across his mind completely. The last thing he can hear from Merlin is “Get some sleep.” Like I really have a choice, idiot. Arthur thinks fondly. Arthur could have sworn he felt Merlin’s hand on his face and the world went fully dark.
***
Merlin is left looking at Arthur as the King passes out from pain and poison. Merlin’s half smile drops. He knows that the poison is acting quickly. Merlin just needs to be quicker. He has to save Arthur. He has to. There is no other option.
He knows deep down there is a chance that he cannot save Arthur. He sees it every time that Arthur struggles to focus or even breathe. But the part of him that is still in control and refuses to see it. If he acknowledges it, then Merlin does not know what he will do. There is no world without Arthur.
There can’t be.