Chapter Text
“Thanks for meeting me,” Robby says as Samira slides into the seat across the table from him at an outdoor cafe one Wednesday afternoon in early August.
“Mostly did it for the free lunch,” she shrugs, though her tone is more light and joking than he probably deserves right now. She glances down at the baby asleep in the stroller. “She looks so peaceful.”
“Yeah,” Robby nods, his expression shifting into a soft smile as he looks at his daughter as well. “For the most part she’s a pretty good sleeper.”
“Must be because she feels safe,” Samira says, and it’s the closest to a compliment he’s probably going to get from her.
“Yeah, maybe,” Robby says, then passes her one of the menus the server had brought when he was seated.
A few minutes later the serve comes by to take their orders, and then the pair fall into a slightly awkward silence. Robby knows he has to be the one to break it, he’s the one who asked her for this after all, but he’s also uncertain about the level of vulnerability he’s about to show.
Finally, he just jumps into it. “I owe you a serious apology. Not a half-assed attempt at one to make myself look better to everyone at work, but a real one. I said and did a lot of things, many to you in particular, during my last shift that were completely uncalled for and extremely unprofessional. And I am genuinely sorry, Samira. I know you might not believe that, given everything that’s happened between us, and I’m not asking for you to forgive me by any means, but I really want to clear the air between us, see if there’s any way we can try to start over or at least not let this affect us when I come back in a couple of months.”
She listens to him, her neutral expression not giving anything away. The way that she looks directly at him is almost intimidating in a way, like she knows she has the moral high ground right now and she’s not going to let him off that easily.
“I know you were dealing with a lot of stuff that day, and even before,” she finally says. “But you had no right to take it out on me, or any of us. I let my personal life affect my work that day, I’ll own up to that. But I am still a resident, at least for another ten months, and you were supposed to be my teacher, not my bully. No matter what the trigger was, panic attacks are a very real condition, and you used mine to embarrass me in front of my coworkers. I’m really not sure I’m ready to forgive you for that yet.”
Logically, Robby knows an apology doesn’t entitle him to forgiveness, he’s certainly made that clear when people have tried to apologize to him. But a small part of him had really hoped that it would be enough.
“I understand,” he nods, meeting her eyes. “And if you’d prefer to switch to night shift or limit our time together on day shifts when I come back in October, I’ll make that happen. You shouldn’t be forced to work under someone that you can’t trust.”
“No,” she shakes her head. “I said I wasn’t ready to forgive you, not that I don’t still have things to learn from you. But, it can’t be like it was before. Not just for me, but all of your students. You’re a good teacher, Robby. When you don’t let your personal problems get in the way.”
He lets out a deep sigh, glancing down at his daughter again and seeing that she’s still fast asleep. “I’m in therapy, for real this time. There’s a lot I need to deal with and it’s not just about work, or from PittFest, or Covid, or any of that. The comment that I made to you about ‘mommy issues,’ that was honestly more about myself than you. My mom… she abandoned me when I was eight. She chose drugs over being a mother. I know that’s not how I’m supposed to say that, but it’s what it always felt like. And it turns out, pushing those feelings down for forty years doesn’t make the pain go away. I’m not telling you this to try to excuse what I said, I swear. I was being a dick. But I really wasn’t trying to ridicule or belittle you, I was saying to you the things I always tell myself when it gets to be too much, when the panic and anxiety set in. I have panic attacks too, so I know how real and scary they are. I’ve just never dealt with them in the right way before. I’m trying now.”
“I’m sorry about your mom,” Samira says softly. She pauses for a moment while the server brings their food, then picks up her fork and digs into her salad as she continues. “And, for what it’s worth, I don’t think you’re obligated to phrase it in a certain way. Not when she hurt you like that, when you were just a kid. You’re right that it doesn’t excuse what you said, but it makes a lot more sense now. And it kind of explains the whole ‘adopting an abandoned baby’ thing as well.”
As if that’s her cue, Adira begins to stir, opening her eyes slowly.
“Oh, someone’s awake now,” Robby says in a gentle tone, carefully picking the baby up and resting her against his chest. “Did you have a good nap, little one?” She lets out a little gurgling noise in response, which makes him smile. He adjusts her in his arms a little so that he can get one hand free to eat his food, turning back to Samira. “That panic attack, was it the first one you’ve had?”
She’s quiet for a moment, before slowly shaking her head. “No, I’ve had them before. Since my dad died, I think.”
“This is going to sound super hypocritical of me,” he says carefully, forcing himself to make eye contact. “You should talk to someone about that, if you’re not already. Panic attacks are real, but they’re also something that can be managed. Maybe me being a better teacher starts with normalizing dealing with our mental health in an appropriate way. You and I are actually a lot alike, believe it or not. Could be one of the reasons I’ve been harder on you than the others sometimes. I’m afraid to see you end up like me. Please don’t let this job break you, Samira. You’re young and you have so many good years still ahead of you. Talk to someone, find ways to manage the stress that this job inevitably brings, and don’t let it consume you. You’re an amazing doctor. You’re kind and compassionate and you advocate for your patients to get the best care possible. You’re incredibly smart and good at picking up on things that others miss, because you’re willing to slow down and listen. But you’re also a living, breathing person who deserves to be happy, to find fulfillment in other areas, not just your career.”
“Thank you for saying that,” Samira says, her eyes filled with unshed tears that she quickly blinks away. “I’ll definitely take it all under advisement. No offense, but I’d really hate to end up like you.”
Robby lets out a soft chuckle, breaking the tension a little. “I know I still need to earn back your trust, but I’m glad you’re going to give me a chance.”
“Well,” she says, a small smile playing on her lips. “I do have an interview next week for a Geriatrics fellowship at PTMC. Apparently they just decided to add one for next year. Kind of random, in my opinion.”
“Hey, I’m on sabbatical,” Robby says, feigning innocence. “I wouldn’t know anything about that.”
“Strange,” she nods. “Must’ve been another Dr. Robinavitch who gave Abbot a letter of recommendation for me to submit with my application.”
“Maybe Jack forged my name on it,” Robby shrugs.
“Uh huh, I’m sure he did,” she laughs a little as she shakes her head. She pushes her empty plate to the side, then reaches across the table. “Now, let me have some baby snuggles so you can finish your food.”
Robby happily hands the little girl over, not because he doesn’t love holding his daughter, but because he can see how much joy her presence brings to the young woman sitting across from him.
As he watches the pair interact, Samira making funny faces and talking softly to the little girl, he promises himself that from here on out he’s going to set a better example for the younger doctors, he’s going to show them that there’s a life worth living outside of the hospital. And that starts with being a good parent and working on his own mental health. For himself, for his daughter, and for all the doctors he mentors, both present and future.