Work Text:
"You got a fast car
Is it fast enough so we can fly away?
We gotta make a decision
Leave tonight or live and die this way"
Robby stared at his bike standing in the ambulance bay. It was still a bit banged up from when the paramedics hit it, but it was otherwise ready to go, ready to take him anywhere he wanted to be. He had no clue where that was, of course. Maybe he didn’t want to go anywhere at all.
It was kind of funny. When he’d clocked in at 7 am this morning, there was nothing that could have stopped Robby from leaving, not even the best shift of his life would have convinced him to stay. He had not had the best shift of his life, not by a long shot. And yet, when he looked at that motorbike, when he thought about riding off into the distance, to a place where he could forget about this hell and run from his demons, all he felt was dread.
Maybe it was just how bad this shift had been that made him want to stay. There was so much pain, so much loss. In one way or another, everyone who stepped foot into the hospital today had been hurt by it, had had a little piece of themselves chipped away like had happened to him so many times. And he didn’t want to hurt them more. Because truth be told, Robby did know where his journey would take him. It would take him off a cliff in Alberta, or to the bottom of Lake Erie, or to the ends of earth. But wherever it took him, he wouldn’t be able to come back.
And for the first time in a long time, that felt like a bad thing. When Robby thought about how awful today was, he thought about all the people who had been hurt, and who he would hurt if he left. He thought about the people who he loved, he thought about the people he would never get to love. He thought about the people who grew up with him, and about those he would never get to see grow up. He thought about the people he would never get to forgive, and everyone who would never get to forgive him.
Robby thought about Langdon, his golden boy, the man who he loved like a son. He thought about how he’d failed to protect him from the pain, and how just like him, he followed the darkness in order to cope with it. He thought about how Langdon was healing, how he was trying so hard to heal the pain that he’d caused and was slowly, but surely, learning how to be a better person. Robby wondered if he could do that too.
He thought about Whitaker, who was everything he wanted to be, and everything that he was. He thought about the glimmers of his younger self he saw in the young intern's eyes. The hope, the compassion, the optimism. He thought about the little cracks starting to form within Whitaker, how he’d over exert himself and get too invested in patients because he cares so much. Just like Robby used to care. Robby wondered what it would do to the poor boy if he died. Would he learn not to follow in his mentor's footsteps, or would he end up exactly like him?
He thought Dana and Abbott, and everything that they’d been through together. Robby knew that the two of them had both been in his shoes many times, wondering if it was worth it to be here anymore. But they’d made it through, and so had he. He’d lost count of times that they’d had to talk each other off of the roof, and yet, they’d all made it up until this point. Maybe he could make it a little bit longer. It’s not like Robby was alone, Dana and Abbot made sure he knew that today, maybe he could let them talk him down one more time.
He thought about Mohan. Wonderful, kind, empathetic Dr. Mohan. The woman who he’d moulded into a mirror image of himself, flaws and all. A woman who he now resented for being just like him. If Whitaker was everything about himself he wished he could have back, Mohan was everything about himself he couldn’t stand. Robby hurt her to hurt himself. Still, no matter how much he beat her down, she still had a little shred of hope that she somehow held onto. Robby knew that if he killed himself then that shred would die with him. He’d kill that part of her, and somewhere down the line, whether it be an hour or a decade from now, she’d end up in the same place as him. He couldn’t do that, not after everything he’d already done to her.
Finally, he thought about Baby Jane Doe, whose weight he still felt in his arms. She was a girl brought into this world with nothing at all. Not a place to call home, not a mother to bury her head into, not even a name. But she was not unloved. Her mother had loved her enough to bring her somewhere safe. The people here had fallen in love with her, cared for her like she was their own. And Robby. Robby loved her in a way he hadn’t loved in a long time. When he held her, it felt like holding himself. He’d been abandoned too, and he’d lost so much love throughout his life. He’d let it make him bitter, he’d been hurt so deeply by love that he cut himself off from it. But when he held the baby, he thought about the same thing happening to her. How could this child, this innocent and loving child, be plunged into a world that would harden her into someone as cold and broken as him? But Baby Jane Doe hadn’t been broken, not yet. And all that she needed right now was someone to love her, if not just for a little bit.
Once more, Robby looked at his bike. Its handlebars were pointed out towards the city, ready to take him far, far away from here. Even with the streetlights dimming them, the stars glimmered above him, beckoning him forwards. This was the distance calling. It had always been calling. Ever since he was a boy, he had felt it. The restlessness, the voice telling him to go forwards into the unknown, to a place where the world was good. He’d always resisted the urge to leave, found things to tie him down and keep him in one place. But lately he felt like gravity couldn’t hold him down anymore. He felt like it was finally time to follow the stars, time to go.
Robby knew he was running out of time. If he was ever going to go, he would have to go today.
Tears welled in his eyes. There were so many reasons to leave, and so few to stay. But Robby knew what he had to do.
…
Taking in a final view of the stars. Robby turned back towards the hospital. A blast of air conditioning hit him in the face as we walked in, he hadn’t realized just how hot it had been out there.
Wiping the sweat from his brow, Robby took a seat down on a bench. He pulled out his phone and started dialing a number he swore he’d never call. The phone rang for a few moments before the man on the other end picked up.
“Hi, who is this?” The man grumbled, clearly having just been woken up, “Robby! Fuck, are you ok man. Are you safe?”
“Yeah I’m fine Caleb,” Robby answered, “Sorry for waking you up so late.”
“ No, It’s no problem. What’s up?”
“ I was wondering if you were free any time tomorrow, just to talk. I know that you’re a busy man and…”
“ No, I’m actually pretty free tomorrow,” Caleb stammered, “You’re not, um, leaving.”
“No, No I’m not,” Robby sighed, “I’ve still got a few loose ends I need to tie up so, I figure I’d kick around for a little while longer.”
“Good. That’s good. Does 10 am tomorrow work for you?”
“Sounds good, see you then.”
“See you then, Robby.”
Robby hung up the phone and stared at the wall for a little while. He was taking a risk talking to Caleb, that guy was good at getting information out of him, information he wasn’t keen on revealing. But he supposed he’d have to fess up sometime if things were ever going to get better. He just hoped he could convince Dr Jefferson he was well enough not to put him on a psych hold, because there was something he really needed to do.
…
Robby got up and inched towards the pediatric room. He thought about Dana going around, trying to find someone to take in Baby Jane Doe. What she didn’t know was that he had planned to start fostering, not that long ago actually. It was just before Pittfest. Robby was wondering about having children, and thought he could do a lot of good by taking in foster kids. He’d gone through the whole process. He’d taken the required courses and gotten his home approved.
Then the shooting happened and everything in his life sort of fell apart, so the whole fostering thing just slipped from his mind. How could he take care of a child when it took all of his energy just to get through the day. He was sure he wouldn’t get approved to take in a child now, not long term. But Baby Jane Doe didn’t need something long term right now, just someone to hold her, someone to take her away from the harsh hospital lights and into a warm home.
He stood in the doorway, knowing he needed to make a decision quickly. He looked around the room, and then at Baby Jane Doe. Robby locked eyes with her, she let out a soft babble, and he realized the decision had been made for him.
Robby overheard two child services workers talking behind him. Apparently finding an emergency foster for a baby was usually pretty easy, but on major holidays like today, most potential guardians were tied up. He walked over to the social workers and they sized him up.
“Hey, I am Anna Ramirez and this is my coworker Eddie Cale, we’re he from CYF. Are you the doctor taking care of this little girl?” the social worker asked.
“I was, but my shift just ended. I think that Dr Ellis is assigned to her for the night shift.”
“I see,” Ramirez said, “How is she doing?”
“As well as she can be, considering the circumstances. She’s positive for rhinovirus but other than that she’s pretty healthy. Have you guys found an emergency placement for her yet?”
“Not yet unfortunately,” Cale explained, “It’s the 4th of July, people are busy. We probably won’t find someone to take her until at least tomorrow.”
“Hey,” Robby whispered, lowering his voice so his coworkers wouldn’t hear him, “I have a foster care license that is still valid, do you think I could take her home for tonight. I can’t care for her long term, it would just be until you can find a permanent placement, but I want to get her out of the hospital as soon as possible.”
Cale and Ramirez looked at each other. It had been a bit since Robby looked in a mirror. He hoped he looked like he was in good enough shape to take home the baby. The two workers walked away from him and talked amongst themselves for a minute. To Robby’s relief, they came back with smiles on their faces.
“We’ve talked.” Ramirez said, “And we think it would be best to place the child in a home environment as soon as possible. We feel that with your medical expertise, you would be the best fit to take care of her for the immediate future.”
"Thank you, I can take her as soon as you’re ready,” Robby smiled.
“Great. Like you said, this will only be for a few days until we find a long term guardian. You’ll need to fill out some paperwork before you leave. Thanks for helping us out here.”
…
About an hour later, Robby was standing outside the hospital with a baby in a carrier that he’d stolen from a supply closet (he’d give it back tomorrow). It was almost midnight, but it was worth it to see Baby Jane Doe happily babbling in his arms. Robby surmised that she wouldn’t be a very heavy sleeper. The two of them were waiting for an Uber to arrive. The motorcycle was way too dangerous to ride with a baby on board, and if he was being honest, Robby didn’t want to be anywhere near that thing right now. It didn’t matter, it was in a safe spot right now and he’d ask Abbott to keep an eye on it. Maybe Duke would be willing to drive it back to his house tomorrow, he’d be pretty happy that Robby wasn’t leaving.
Robby checked his phone, the uber would still be another few minutes. He considered going back inside, worrying that Baby Jane Doe would be uncomfortable in the heat. But she seemed to be enjoying herself. Just then, Robby heard a familiar voice coming from behind him.
“Now that is not a motorbike,” Abbott said.
“What! Of course it is.” Robby exclaimed. “Here are the handlebars,” he cooed, grabbing the baby's arms and waving them around. Then he waved a hand in front of her eyes, “And here are the headlights.”
Both Abbott and Baby Jane Doe giggled at Robby’s ridiculousness. “Well, this one is definitely an upgrade from the old clunker you brought in this morning.”
“Don’t you have a job, Jack,” Robby retorted.
“Yeah I just saw you out here and thought I’d chat for a minute. You’re really taking her home.”
“It’s just for a few days,” Robby said, “Until CYF can find something permanent for her.”
“I guess that means you're staying.”
“At least for a few more days.”
For the first time, Robby realized the gravity of his decision not to leave. He’d been standing on a ledge for months now, teetering on the verge between life and death, and this was him choosing life. At least for a little bit.
Abbot interrupted his train of thought. Patting Robby on the back, he said, “Well, it’s always great to have you around.”
“Thanks. We should let you get back to work.”
“Ok man,” Abbott said, walking back towards the hospital, “Stay safe.”
“I will,” Robby promised. And this time it was true
…
A couple minutes later, Robby was sitting in the back of an uber with Baby Jane Doe in his arms. She was finally asleep, her little head nuzzled against his chest. The driver didn’t seem to be in a chatty mood. Which was good, because neither was he.
Instead, he looked out the window. The stars were still there, hidden behind the glare of streetlights and neon signs. If he listened closely he could still hear them calling him, but he no longer felt the distance pulling him outwards, that had been replaced by another feeling, and that feeling was love.
It wasn’t the love he’d been expecting. Robby had been looking for love like the stars. He wanted someone, or something, to take him far away, to show him everything the universe had to offer. He wanted love that made him weightless, that freed him from the shackles of life and let him ascend to the lands of gods and angels. Instead, he’d found a love like gravity. And this love was the only thing strong enough to keep him in one place. For so long, Robby had tried to break free from it, but he now realized that the rope holding him back wasn't a leash, but a lifeline. The stars would always be there waiting, but if he followed them now, he’d never be able to return. Robby knew he’d go after them one day, when he didn’t have anything left to stay for. But as he held Baby Jane Doe, and thought of everyone he loved, he understood that the world still needed him, at least for a little while longer.