Work Text:
"I came prepared for absolution if you'd only ask,
So I take some offense when you say "no regrets"
I remember it's impossible to pass your tests"
The city looked nice from this high up, it was almost enough for Samira to forget everything that had happened today. Everyone else had left by now, the fireworks had stopped, the world had gone to sleep. It was just Samira, her thoughts, and the PTMC roof.
She’d never liked being alone, but right now she needed time to think about whether she belonged here, about whether she belonged anywhere. Samira knew that if she’d asked any of her coworkers (barring Robby, of course), they’d tell her of course she belonged, that she was an amazing doctor and that she would go on to do great things. But Samira knew the truth.
Because no matter what she did, there would always be someone who saw her for what she really was. When she was young it was her mother, who saw every victory as a reason to try harder, do better. In high school and college, it was a string of boyfriends and girlfriends that all ended the same way, “You’re a lovely girl and all, but I’m just looking for something… More.” And now she had Robby.
Robby hit harder, because at the start he made Samira feel like she actually might be enough. He praised her compassion, her dedication to her patients, but eventually she wasn’t able to keep up any longer. He chastised her when she took long on patients, he told her to toughen up when a hard case really hit her, and at some point, Robby started to hate her.
He Hated her. Samira could see it in his eyes. There was a disdain, a sense of betrayal she saw whenever he looked at her, that could only have come from the greatest of failures. It had been there when he’d snapped after her panic attack, it had still been there when she apologized to Robby, hidden behind the kindness he was trying to give her. Samira hadn’t just disappointed Robby, she’d become everything he hated, about himself, about the world. And it hurt so bad because it solidified what she had been thinking for a long time, that she wasn’t cut out for existence.
It was difficult for people to notice it at first. Samira put up a good front, she appeared competent, confident. But beneath the brilliant young doctor that people saw was a cowardly, dangerous fraud. And today the truth came out. She’d killed one patient, permanently maimed another. Samira could no longer hide from the reality of who she really was, and the person who she was could no longer exist.
She looked down and the street beneath her and thought about what Robby said, “He should've picked a higher place to jump from.”
Samira climbed over the railing. Surely this would be high enough. A pit formed in her stomach, already anticipating the feeling of freefall. For a moment she’d be weightless, free from all of her burdens, free to just exist. She’d hit the ground so fast she wouldn’t even feel it. If she landed it right, her brain would be liquefied on impact. It would all be over in an instant.
At this point Samira couldn’t feel anything. Her mind was in a different place than her body, maybe already dead on the street, waiting for the rest of her to join it. Her legs moved on their own. One foot in front of the other, towards the edge. It seemed wrong that it was so easy, that all it would take was one step. One foot, and then…
“Hey!”
The voice startled her, brought her back to reality. She tripped over the railing, cutting her leg on the way down, but landing safely on the roof. Futilely, Samira tried to put pressure on her wound, upset that she could feel everything again. It was nice to be numb for once, to not feel the pressure for once. Now everything hurted. The voice that had startled her was moving closer, but Samira tried not to look at the person. Though she knew it wouldn’t happen, she wished they would just go away. She didn’t want to be seen by anyone like this, and if she was being honest, she wanted to try again.
“Oh my god, Samira.”
Her heart dropped into her stomach. The voice was unmistakable.
“Samira, what’s going on,” Abbott repeated.
Samira wondered why, of all people, did it have to be him that found her. If there was anyone who still respected her, it was Abbott. Now she was shaking in his arms like a small child. It was pathetic, really, and she was sure that any respect he had for her had gone out the window.
Abbot propped her up on a bench. Samira met his eyes for the first time since he found her. The look on his face was unexpected. It wasn’t pity, nor shame, just a solemn sense of understanding.
“What happened, Samira?” He asked again.
Her first instinct was to lie, to try to convince him that nothing had happened. But Abbot had seen her trying to walk off the roof, there was no talking your way out of that. And from the way he was looking at her, it seemed like Abbott already understood what she was feeling. So she told the truth.
“I don’t know if I’m meant to be here,” Samira said.
“Where?”
“Here, the hospital, in medicine, ... Anywhere.”
Abbott paused for a moment, Samira got the feeling that she’d said too much.
“I’m, I’m sorry,” she muttered, “This is stupid I shouldn't have said anything.”
“No,” Abbot replied, “It’s fine, you just reminded me of something Robby said.”
And there it was. Samira winced at the sound of his name. No matter how much Samira disappointed Robby, and no matter how much he hated her. They would always be identically, cruelly alike. She wondered where Robby was now, speeding away on a highway, probably not so far from death himself. God they were so similar.
“Touchy subject,” Abbot asked.
“Yeah,” She chuckled.
“You are a lot like him, you know.”
“Don’t tell him that,” she grumbled, “I don’t think he wants anything to do with me right now.”
Abbot sighed, “Why don’t you tell me what happened today Samira. I mean, I know this didn’t start today, but clearly something brought you up here.”
It took her a second to collect her thoughts. So many awful things had happened today, she didn’t think she could pinpoint the moment that made her want to jump.
“Everything went wrong today…. That patient who left, Orlando. He fell off a catwalk at work, or maybe he fucking jumped, I dont know, but… but now he might never wake up again. And another patient died because I missed something, and… and.” Samira was crying now, she knew it was pathetic, but now that she had someone to listen to her, she couldn’t stop.
“And my mom is driving me crazy,” she continued, “She won’t stop calling me, and I had a panic attack in front of everyone, and Robby snapped at me, and I don’t know what I’m going to do for my fellowship and I’m running out of time, and everything’s just… shit.”
“Shit,” Abbot agreed.
“God I sound so fucking crazy right now.”
It dawned on Samira that she was crazy. She’d tried to kill herself, and the significance of that was just hitting her now. If Abbott had got there a second later, if his voice hadn’t startled her, she would be dead. Suddenly she didn’t want that anymore. She still felt awful about today, and still felt pretty hopeless about life in general. But death, death was permanent.
If she had jumped, that would be it. She wouldn’t be able to go back and clean up her mess if she realized she’d fucked up. She wouldn’t ever be able to tell her mother she loved her again, even if she hated her right now. She would never find out if she made it into a fellowship program, and would never get the chance to be the great doctor everyone told her she would be. It was terrifying to think of how close she’d come to losing it all, and even more terrifying to think of how badly she had wanted it.
Then, another terrifying thought came into her head. Someone had watched her try to kill herself. And she’d also given herself an injury that, albeit minor, would still require medical attention. That wasn’t something she could just walk away from. She wasn’t going to be able to go home and come into work tomorrow like nothing had happened. There was a process that Abbot would have to follow. She would probably need to be kept for observation, maybe even be admitted to the psychiatric unit. And if she was institutionalized, would she lose her job, her future?
“Are you going to put me on a psych hold?” She blurted, panicked.
“It would be pretty hypocritical if I did. I’m the one getting shot at for fun,” Abbot joked.
Samira laughed weakly. She was glad he could joke with her, but she was still scared of being held against her will.
“You know,” Abbot continued, “It’s not uncommon for doctors to experience suicidal ideation, especially ones who care.”
“Please don’t talk to me like you’re my therapist,” Samira said, annoyed. She was aware that Abbot didn’t mean to be patronizing, and aware that she wasn’t sane enough right now to ask not to be treated like a psych patient. But he was sounding too much like her 1st year ethics professor for her to be able to tolerate it.
“I’m serious Samira, it just happens sometimes. You get too caught up in a horrible day and suddenly you’re on the edge of a roof. We all have days that take a while to recover from, and most of the time we just need someone to remind us not to kill ourselves. But I don’t think that you’re a danger to yourself anymore, and I don’t think admitting you would be in your best interests.”
“Thank you,” Samira replied.
“It’s no problem. And besides, you are far from the first healthcare professional to be talked down from this roof. “
“I don’t doubt it,” Samira chuckled.
“It’s a popular spot. For a while there me, Dana, and Robby had a rotating schedule going.”
“Yeah, Robby could probably use someone to talk him down right now,” she mentioned glumly.
“Oh don’t worry about Robby,” Abbott replied, “He’s fine. He’s not leaving, at least for now. He took the fucking baby home with him, though.”
“Did he really!”
“Yeah I saw him outside the hospital waiting for an uber. He even had a little baby carrier.”
It was nice to hear that Robby was ok, and that Baby Jane Doe had a place to go home to. But Samira couldn’t help but see a bit of irony in the situation. Years ago, she had been Robby’s baby. And now, once he’d used her up and thrown her away, he’d found a new little girl to love and raise. It felt embarrassing for a grown woman like herself to be jealous of a 1 month old, but she missed the days when Robby had loved her like his own. Her own father had passed away when she was young, so when she started working at the PTMC and Robby came into her life, it felt like a hole in her heart had finally been patched. Robby had torn that patch from her, and in doing so, left the hole bigger than ever.
“He’s a real ass to you, sometimes,” Abbott said, seemingly noticing Samira’s discomfort at the mention of Robby.
“He’s… not a bad person,” Samira replied. She didn’t know why she was suddenly so adamant about defending him. Maybe it was nostalgia from better, kinder days. Maybe it had something to do with how much of herself she saw in him.
“I know he’s not a bad person. I love the guy, but let’s face it: He can be a real prick sometimes, especially when he’s struggling.”
Samira nodded in agreement.
“And it’s not your fault at all. I think that Robby just sees a lot of his younger self in you, and I don’t think he likes himself very much right now.”
Samira sighed. It was true: she and Robby were too similar and too self deprecating to get along.
“Maybe we deserve each other,” she said.
“But you don’t. At the end of the day, he’s your boss and you’re his employee. It’s Robby’s job to set the tone, and you deserve to work somewhere you’re respected. And I think that right now, at least while Robby is the way he is, it might not be the best thing for you to keep working with him.”
“Are you saying I should quit?”
“No, no” Abbott continued, “You belong here, there’s no doubt about that. But you do need a break from Robby, and it seems like you don’t mind being up late.”
He paused for a moment to let Samira get the gist of what he was saying.
“We always need more nightcrawlers,” he concluded.
Dumbfounded, Samira burst into laughter, “That is the weirdest fucking job offer I’ve gotten in my life.”
“Yeah, probably not the best timing on my part. But think about it, I’d love to have you on my staff.”
“First things first though,” Abbot said, offering her a hand, “we should probably get you stitched up.”
…
Abbot took her to the abandoned wing of the hospital in order to protect her privacy. There was no lighting, but Samira was sure that Abbott had stitched up wounds in far worse conditions than this.
He closed the door behind them quietly, then pulled out a suture kit and a pair of gloves
“Sorry about this,” Samira muttered, as she took a seat on the hospital bed.”
“It’s no problem at all. You did the same for me, remember.”
Truth be told, she hadn’t remembered that. It didn’t feel like today that she had walked on Abbott, and helped him tend to his own wounds.
The alcohol swab stung on her calf, but this time she was glad she could feel it. Numbness was a nice respite when life felt unbearably painful, but it was also terrifying. Pain sucked, but it existed for a reason. To be numb was to be able to walk off a room without any fear, it was to not feel the blood flowing from your wounds, to not feel your heart pounding in your chest.
Samira’s body felt like it was made out of lead right now. The cut on her leg throbbed, her head ached, but she felt safe. When her mind took her to dangerous places, sometimes she needed her body to hold her back.
“All right, you are good to go,” Abbot said, “Sorry to leave you but I’ve got a shift to get back to.”
“Oh my god right,” Samira shouted, “You’re at work you have stuff you need to be doing, I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t worry about it, Shen’s covering for me. The perks of having 2 attendings, am I right.”
“Yeah,” Samira muttered, “I’ll think about it, the night shift. It might be good for me to make the switch.”
“That’s great to hear. Like I said we’d love to have you here. You stay safe all right.”
Samira nodded, and just like that he was gone. She stayed in the hospital room for a few minutes after he left, mostly because she was too exhausted to get up, but also because she needed some time to think. Today had been awful, there was no doubt about it, and she was sure that she would have many more days just like it if she stayed in emergency medicine. But she’d also made it through, just like she’d made it through everyday up until this point. The fact is, Samira wasn’t weak, she’d been through a lot and managed to come out the other side, damaged but still standing. If she’d survived everything until now, she’d survive whatever else the world had in store for her.
…
Once she had built up the strength, Samira slowly got up from the bed and crept towards the exit. She saw Abbot again on her way out. From what she was able to hear, he was working on a motorbike crash victim, smiling as he got an ROSC.
It got her thinking about the men in her life: Him, Robby, everyone she used to try to fill the holes left by grief and loss. She realized that Robby wasn’t her father, nor was he the god she so often made him out to be. He was just another person dealing with his own shit, and she didn’t need to live up to his standards in order to be worthy. Everyone in her life would have a different idea of who she was supposed to be, and it would be impossible to meet all their expectations. She didn’t need their admiration, their standards, or their forgiveness when she couldn’t achieve them. She just needed to keep trying, to keep surviving like she had been for so long, and she’d be alright.