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“I’m very sorry, Miss Hopps…”
Judy walked out of the doctor’s office, trying to focus on the feeling of the concrete beneath her foot paws and the sun beating down on her fur. She tried to focus on her breathing—out and in—and the sounds of the mid-day traffic. She tried to focus on anything other than the news she had just received.
It really shouldn’t have been that big of a deal, she shouldn’t feel as upset about it as she did at that moment. This wouldn’t chance anything about her, wouldn’t change how she lived her life. It wouldn’t even affect it that much.
Still…it hurt.
She shook her head and lifted her chin up, squaring her shoulders as she marched down the street. “I’m fine,” she told herself, firmly, trying to make a point. “Everything is fine. This doesn’t change anything.” She nodded as she made her way back to the station, repeating the mantra in her head as she passed her fellow officers, as she sat in her cubicle, as she reviewed case files. She was fine, everything was fine, this didn’t change anything about her.
“You okay?” Nick asked later as they lay on their bed, his arms and tail wrapped firmly around her.
She closed her eyes and focused on the feel of his pawpads tracing up and down her arms, how his tail brushed gently against her thighs in a way she knew that he knew would make her shiver. She focused on his breathing, on how his chest moved—out and in—against her back. She felt his breath against the top of her head, felt his lips brush gently against her ears.
He was worried. But she couldn’t bring herself to tell him. Not yet.
“I’m fine.” It was a lie, but it was one that she was getting very good at telling. Because, if nothing else, it was a lie that she had to convince herself of.
I’m fine, everything is fine, this changes nothing.
And yet…
A few days later the chief was in her cubicle, scowling down at her. She did her best to make herself as small in her chair as possible, not wanting him to see the lie. She had been doing her best at work, not wanting this to interfere with her job. She had been trying so hard…
“Go home, Hopps. Take a day. Come back when you can get your head on straight.”
“…yes, sir.”
Maybe this was for the best, she tried to convince herself as she walked out of the precinct, walking faster even as Nick caught sight of her and called out. Reached out to her.
She couldn’t look at him, god, how could she?
“I’m fine,” she repeated as she walked down the street, with nowhere in particular in mind to go. “I’m fine, I’m fine, I’m fine…”
“Yo.”
She stopped and looked over, blinking as a familiar van parked on the side of the road. The window rolled down and a familiar face stared down at her, huge ears twitching.
“Finnick.”
The small fox lowered his sunglasses as he looked at her, keeping his expression neutral. “Need a ride?”
She was tempted to say no, to wave him and continue her aimless walk. She knew it was what she should do, she knew it would be better if she just walked away.
And yet, and yet…
“Yeah,” she found herself saying, not able to look the fennec in the eyes even as she spoke.
He didn’t say anything, just jerked his thumb towards the passenger’s seat. “Hop in.”
She did. She got into the van and buckled in before leaning her head on the window, staring out at nothing. Finnick started the van back up and they drove down the street in silence for a few minutes. Then he cleared his throat.
“Where you headed? Home?”
Of course he knew where she lived, Nick lived there too and she knew he had dropped the red fox off at the apartment building plenty of times. And that really was where she should be going, she should just go home and get some rest and then she could go to work with a clear head.
But Nick would come home in just a few hours and seeing him right now, with everything going on…
Focus. Out and in.
She shook her head.
He raised a brow at her but didn’t comment, thankfully. “Where ya headed, then?”
“Nowhere, really. I was just…out for a walk.” Another lie. They were getting harder and harder to tell…
Finn cleared his throat and her ears lifted as she looked over at him. “Well, if you have nowhere to be, you won’t me runnin’ a few errands, then.”
Judy narrowed her eyes at him. Errands, huh. “Finn…”
“It’s all legal shit, don’t worry your tail, Flopsy,” the smaller fox quipped, a smile teasing the edge of his lips. “I just gotta grab some stuff and make a few other stops. Is that alright with you, officer?”
It was the same tone Nick used when he was teasing her, so she fell into what was natural for her. She rolled her eyes at him and sighed dramatically, resting her chin on her paw as she stared out the window. “Oh, I suppose so. Just don’t go trying to be cheeky.”
“Wouldn’t dream of it.” Finn chuckled and drove down the street, and the silence between them was suddenly a little less tense.
She really wasn’t surprised that the errands did turn out to be all legal, after all Nick had told her that Finnick had stopped hustling around the time he had gone into the academy. The fennec had found a steady job, apparently, since he was able to afford all the bags of groceries he was putting into his van. He stopped a few more times, going into what looked like a nursing home with a couple of bags before coming out, his expression neutral as he got back in the van and drove off. She didn’t ask.
They all had their secrets, after all.
After stopping at one last location they ended up going to a bar. Judy was hesitant to go in at first, not sure if this bar would be filled with seedy characters and not sure if drinking was really a good idea for her right now. But a look and reassuring nod from the fennec had her pushing down her anxieties and following him in.
The bar was nothing special, usual set up with music playing and some sports game on the television. Finn seemed to know the guy at the bar, since he was able to order them each a drink on the house. She was given a mug of something that looked stronger than what she was used to and he clinked his mug against hers. “Drink up, Flopsy. Somethin’ tells me you need it.”
“What makes you think that?” she asked him before taking a drink, then coughing. Wow, that stuff was strong.
“’Cause you haven’t barely said a work since I picked ya up, and I know you can be chatty. And,” he gave her a look that made her want to sink down into the bar stool, “your boy has been texting me all day, asking if I’ve seen ya and worried sick.”
She stared down into her mug, feeling her heart sink down into her stomach. “What did you tell him?”
“Nothing. Told him I hadn’t seen ya, but that I’d keep an eye out.” Finn took a gulp of his drink, glancing over at her. “You don’t have to say anything. I’ll take you home whenever.”
She sighed and took a gulp of her drink, focusing on the alcohol and how it burned as it went down her throat. Focusing on the sound of the announcer on the tv and the music—was that jazz?—playing softly in the background. Tried to focus on anything except the guilt that had settled in her chest.
Out and in, out and in—
She blinked and was horrified to find that her eyes felt wet. She wiped at them quickly, hoping that Finn hadn’t seen.
He had.
“Drink up, Flopsy, it’ll make ya forget.” He took another gulp. “That’s how it works for me, anyhow.”
She let out a weak laugh, taking another drink and trying to ignore the burn. “I wish it worked like that for me.”
There was silence again, and they both finished their drinks. Finn ordered them another round, and their second drink was finished in silence as well. The third drink finally loosened her lips enough for her to start talking.
“I went to the doctor a few days ago, just for a routine checkup and physical,” she started, her back pressed against the bar as she stared at the TV, not paying attention to whatever sport was on. “They found something funny in my bloodwork and ran a few tests. It…it wasn’t anything I’d ever thought about before, and it shouldn’t have upset me…but…”
“I’m sorry, Miss Hopps…but it appears that you aren’t able to have kits.”
She buried her face in her paws, trying to control her breathing. Out and in, out and in. “It’s so stupid, you know?” She laughed, a bitter sound that made her want to punch something. “I never even wanted kits, they never fit into what I had planned for my life. Plus I’m with Nick, it’s physically impossible for us to have them.”
And yet, and yet—
“I can’t have kits,” she whispered, finally saying it out loud, tasting the words, feeling them roll around in her mouth. She hated it.
Finn didn’t say anything and she lowered her paws, grabbing her mug and gulping down the rest of the drink before slamming it on the bar. “It’s fine, I’m fine, everything is fine. This doesn’t change anything. I’m still Judy Hopps, first rabbit officer, top of her class, a damn fine police woman.”
“Hell yeah,” the fennec agreed with her, gulping down the rest of his drink and slamming his mug on the bar counter as well.
“This doesn’t change anything,” she repeated, but she could feel the tears forming in her eyes that wanted to come out. She hated it, she hated feeling weak, feeling so pathetic. “I’m fine.”
It was quiet for a bit before he spoke. “Ya know…it’s okay if you’re not.” She looked over at him, blinking as he turned his eyes to her. “This kind of thing…it affects mammals pretty strong.” He finally turned towards her, his expression still neutral. “Have you told him yet?”
She shook her head then hung it, feeling the shame wash over her. “No. How can I? Like I said, it's not possible for us to have kits. I mean, I know science is changing and they’ve been trying to see if different species can reproduce, a-and I’m sure he would have agreed to us getting a donor…” She sighed and pressed her palm to her forehead. “I just…I can’t.”
“He deserves to know.”
“I know…”
The fennec sighed and turned around, leaning back against the bar as he stared up at the ceiling. “I had a sister who was the same way. Couldn’t have kits. She found out when she was around twenty-one, so it woulda been…nine years ago, I think.” He shook his head, letting out another sigh. “It broke her heart.”
Judy looked over at him. “So…how did she deal with it?”
“She didn’t.” He looked over at her, his expression grim.
Her ears shot up. So, the place that had looked like a nursing home…was that where…? “I’m sorry.”
“It was years ago,” he waved a paw at her before crossing his arms over his chest. “She was never a strong mammal. Not like you.” He looked over at her, real emotion in his eyes for the first time as he leaned towards her. “Don’t let this consume you, kid.”
“I-I’m not,” she protested, but even she knew that she as lying.
“It’s okay to be upset by this,” he went on. “Just because we may not want kits doesn’t mean we don’t want the ability to have them. It doesn’t make you weak or any of that shit you’ve been sprouting in your head.” He reached over to tap her forehead with a claw, fixing her with a look. “It’s okay. Really. It’s not the end of the world if ya cry about it.”
She stared at him for a few moments before she felt tears welling up in her eyes. This time, she didn’t try to fight them. She leaned into his paw and closed her eyes, letting herself cry for the first time since she had found out. She raised her paws to cup her face, biting her lip to try to choke back any loud sounds that wanted to come out.
I’m fine, I’m fine, I’m—
…I’m not fine.
“I feel like such a failure,” she wept softly, not wanting to draw any extra attention to them. “The one thing bunnies are known for and I can’t even do it. What kind of rabbit am I?”
She felt his paw run over her ears, soft and soothing. “It’s alright, kid, just let it out.”
She curled into herself as she wept, mourning for herself, for the kits that never would be…for Nick, who was sure to be just as devastated as she was when he found out. She allowed herself this, allowed this weakness because she had bottled it up for too long and it needed to come out. She allowed herself to focus on her pain, on her heartbreak, to focus on what she was feeling. Just this once.
“That’s it, let it out,” Finn’s voice soothed in her ear, his paw still stroking gently. “It’s gonna be okay, Judy, you’ll be okay.”
She nodded, lifting her head and wiping her eyes on her paws. He handed her a napkin and she accepted it with a weak smile. She wiped her eyes and blew her nose before trying to get herself back under control.
Focus on your breathing. Out and in.
It’s gonna be okay.
“You know what you need?” Finn said suddenly, turning back around to face the bar. “You need one of those fruity drinks, ya know, the ones that come with those little umbrella’s. Hey Barry! Two sex on the beaches, with the umbrellas.” He looked at her with a grin. “We’ll have a few of those and then I’ll take you home. How’s that sound?”
She smiled, her first genuine one in days. “That sounds great.”
When he dropped her off at her apartment building later, after she was sufficiently tipsy and thus more ready to face Nick, she turned to him. “Hey, Finn?”
“Yeah, Flopsy?” He raised an eyebrow at her.
She leaned over across the console of the van and kissed his cheek, just a quick peck to show him that she was thankful for everything he’d done. She leaned back and gave him a smile. “Thank you. Really.” She unbuckled and opened the door of the van. “We should do this again.”
“But next time a little less crying and a little more talking about your boy. I have a whole slew of stories to tell ya.” He grinned at her then reached across to grab her wrist, his face serious. “Remember what I said. You’re gonna be fine. You have plenty of time and plenty of other options.”
She nodded, pulling her arm back so she could grasp his paw in her own, giving it a squeeze. “I will. Thank you.” She got out and closed the door, waving as he drove off. She sighed and perked up when she heard the door of the building open, turning around to see Nick standing there. His face was haggard, his expression worried and irritated. Before he could say anything she ran to him, jumping up so that she could wrap her legs around his waist and her arms around his neck.
The fox caught her immediately, staggering back a few steps before holding her tightly to him. “Where the hell have you been?! I’ve been texting you for hours! And—was that Finn? Were you with him? Bastard told me he hadn’t seen you!”
“I asked him not to, Nick,” she told him, not wanting him to blame the smaller fox. This was her fault, after all.
“And why do you smell like alcohol? Have you been drinking?” Nick pulled away enough so that he could look at her, his eyes searching hers. “Judy, what is going on?”
“I’m sorry,” she sniffed, feeling herself getting choked up again. This was okay, it was okay for her to cry. It was okay. “I’ll tell you everything, I promise. I love you.”
“I love you, too.” He kissed her then held her tightly to him, turning around to go inside. “Just don’t do that again, okay? Please.”
“I won’t,” she promised, burying her face in his neck as she remembered what Finn had said.
“You’re gonna be okay.”
“I’ll tell you everything,” she promised again as they got in the elevator, clinging to her fox. “And I’ll be okay. I promise.”