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Colin knew he shouldn't have come.
He knew, in his heart of hearts, that it was a bad idea meeting Anthony at Bridgerton House so late at night without their mum or any of their siblings as a buffer. The text he received from his older brother inviting him for ‘drinks to catch up’ had every sign of being a trap, and Colin, being the naive boy Anthony still believes him to be, fell for it.
Truth be told, naivety has very little to do with why he said yes. Colin never learned how to say no to Anthony, probably due to him being one of the only male figures he had in his life. He was responsible for his well-being and education like a father ought to be, except Colin remembers having a father, and Anthony was anything but.
He was just his brother, who before being forced to care for him, would go hours a day pretending he was invisible just to get a rise out of an eight year old. So Colin never quite outgrew that side of him that still so desperately wants to please Anthony, living in this weird mix of ‘make your father figure proud’ and ‘being cool enough for your older brother’.
Colin shakes his head as he reaches the back kitchen door that leads to the garden, thinking to himself that that's a point he should bring to the therapist when he hears footsteps coming down the hallway. Once he turns around, not at all in the mood for a second dressing down from Anthony, Colin finds, instead of his enraged older brother, his sister-in-law Kate in a long, jewelled teal dressing gown and her dark hair braided.
“Colin? What are you doing here?” she asks, while looking at the clock above the stove, “And why are you leaving through the garden?”
“Hey Kate,” Colin waves, already standing on the threshold outside of his childhood home. “I came in to…”
He hesitates, unsure on how to define what just happened in the study.
“Ant asked to come over so we could have a chat, but I'm already on my way out.”
“Oh so those agitating voices were the two of you?” she questions, gesturing to the dark hallway..“I thought Anthony was in a bad late night business call.”
“Yeah, I guess we were just revisiting our old ways.”
“Of verbally abusing each other?”
Colin shrugs, really not having anything to say on his or Anthony's behalf.
“Sorry if all that yelling woke you or Neddy up.”
She waves him off.
“No, I was still up. It's hard getting back on a normal sleeping schedule after months of pulling all nighters with a newborn baby.”
“I can imagine,” Colin replies.
He remembers how difficult it was to get any sleep when his siblings were babies but how it was especially taxing on Mum. If he already didn't feel bad enough thinking he was disturbing their sleep, now knowing he was keeping Kate from finally resting after caring for his nephew almost put him through the floor with guilt.
Looking back to the wisteria-covered gate like it's a liferaft, he apologises once more. “Again, I really am sorry, Kate. I was already showing myself out.”
As Colin resumes his walking, he hears Kate stepping out into the garden.
“Is everything ok?” she asks while approaching him.
That stops him in his tracks.
“I don't think I'm the person you should be asking that question,” Colin says, pointing back to the house. “Your husband is in there.”
“Yes, but my baby brother is out here looking like a kicked puppy, so I think I'm exactly where I should be,” Kate rebuts, having caught up to him.
“Besides, you know Ant,” she continued, putting a hand on his shoulder and guiding him toward the set of swings that hang from the old oak tree. “I have got to give him some time to decompress before reaching out to him, otherwise we would just start another argument.”
Kate sits in one of the swings and wraps the dressing gown tightly around herself, attempting to shield herself from the night breeze.
“So, do you want to tell me what that was all about?” she said, signalling with her head to the swing on her right, in a silent plea for him to join her.
Colin had always liked Kate. He actually met her before Anthony, by the refreshment table at the annual gala hosted by Bridgerton Holdings when she was first hired as a solicitor by his family company a few years ago.
Kate clearly had even less interest in being there that night than Colin did, and she made no effort to hide that as her every word dripped with sarcasm when he first made himself known, but they were both bound to make themselves present for the grand event, so they put up a front.
They bonded over hors d'oeuvres, the nostalgia of having good sambar made by someone who actually knows what they're doing and their almost desperate need to go home. He liked her right away and immediately understood why the company had chosen her for their new opening: She carried and expressed herself exactly like Anthony, the purposefulness and responsibility behind their eyes eerily similar. Which is why Colin was so surprised to learn the two hadn't been properly introduced yet, so he took it upon himself to make the introduction.
And that was totally the wrong thing to do. Not only did Anthony manage to make a complete fool of himself in front of his new employee, but he had also spent the entire night flirting with Kate's younger sister Edwina, who came as her plus one and whom she was extremely overprotective of.
But even with the whole mess that came after that first meeting, Kate never held anything against Colin. She was always nice to him. Patient, carefully understanding, but never not teasing. Just like Daphne is with Gregory. He could never walk out on her.
So, he sits.
“Same old, I guess. Ant thinks I'm not doing anything with my life and doesn't consider what I do an actual job. He thinks I'm just gallivanting around the world on the inheritance dad left for me.”
“Which I'm not, by the way!” he blurted out. “My gig for Refinery29 pays well, and the few sponsored posts I do on socials generate good revenue. And I also have a few solid investments, like -”
“Bhai,” Kate interrupts, with the nickname only she calls him. “You don't have to give me a run-through of your finances, I'm not your accountant.”
“Right,” he says in a rush, scratching the back of his head. “Sorry, force of habit I guess.”
Kate has it in her to give her brother-in-law an understanding glance.
“Look, I know how overbearing Anthony can be, but believe me it's not just with you,” she stated. “He goes full helicopter mum with Hyacinth, and the girl is about to take her A-Levels.”
“But it's different,” he replies quietly. “He has always been more stern with me, I guess.”
Anthony always seemed to harbour a patience with his siblings that just didn't reach Colin. He was more understanding of Benedict's tendencies to the arts than of Colin's writing. Was as comprehensive as he could be when Daphne announced she was marrying Simon Basset (ten years her senior and Anthony's old friend from university, mind you), but in the same year when Colin told the family he was thinking about proposing to his then girlfriend, instead of a begrudged congratulatory handshake, what he got was a long dressing down about how ‘he didn't need to get married to bed the first chit who gave him the time of day’. (It goes without saying his brother was right to be against the union, but for all the wrong reasons.). He was even sympathetic to Francesca's desire to live away from the family but not to his traveling, even if he always comes back.
Albeit Colin was a difficult child (or as difficult as a kid who lost a parent can be) but not enough to justify the contrast among their relationships. He did his part; stayed mostly out of the way, did well in school, was nice to his sisters - even when they didn't deserve it - and made Mother laugh when she could muster some strength to leave her room. And that didn't change while the years passed and they grew up. Colin went to the family's alma mater and got a practical degree, against his wishes, but he walked the line dotted to him by his older brother.
And it still didn't seem enough.
“Our relationship is just different. And I think it always will be.”
His sister-in-law hums a noncommittal sound.
“But I don't want him to coddle me or something like that. I just wish he would understand I'm not his responsibility anymore,” he resumes, looking at Kate with earnest. “He doesn't have to supervise my every choice and move. His days of being forced to care for me are long gone, but because he doesn't see me as a functional adult, he thinks he can still treat me like a child.”
A beat passes before Kate answers Colin's confession.
“He doesn't care for you because the responsibility was given to him, he cares because you're his little brother and he loves you.”
“Oh yeah, I felt all that love in there,” he scoffs.
“And he worries, far too much even,” she proceeded, unfazed by his sarcasm. “And he misses you. It's hard, you know, to let you go out into the world without being able to be there for you every step of the way.”
For all the respect and affection Colin has for Kate, he makes the utmost effort to not laugh in her face.
“Oh I hardly think that’s where his displeasure with me lies.”
“He’s not displeased with you!” she reiterates.
“How can you be so certain?” Colin questions. “Did he mention anything to you?”
Kate goes quiet for a while. After taking a deep breath, she answers.
“No. I just assumed because that's how I feel too.”
And that just confused Colin further.
“What do you mean?”
Almost averting his gaze, his sister replies softly.
“I fear I'm the same with Eddie.”
“How so?” he inquires, taken aback. “I thought you two talked everything out before the wedding and were on good terms now.”
“And we are! Great terms even,” Kate says, rather enthusiastically. “But after our abba died, I made my life's mission to make life as easy as I could for her. Not because I didn't trust her or because I didn't think she had in her to cruise through life on her own. But because I love her and I want her to have good things.”
Besides their close personalities, Colin was more than aware of the similarities between Kate and Anthony's life too. He just never noticed the parallels of their sibling relationships.
“We already had been through such horrible heartache; if I could spare Edwina from any more pain, I would. And with having all the family's responsibilities laid on me, I thought I knew what was best for us at all times, taking the lead and making all the decisions without consulting Mary or Eddie, first by circumstance and later for convenience.”
She takes a moment to gather herself, maybe overtaken by memories from the past, and then continues.
“And I know it was the same for Ant. I don't imagine he paid for Benedict to be admitted into Goldsmiths because he didn't think he had talent, but because he knew it was what his brother wanted, and he was willing to do anything to give him that.”
Colin winces at the mention of the prestigious art university. Since, Anthony and Benedict have made peace and the latter regained confidence in his work and talent, but the matter created such a rift between the close brothers that the subject simply wasn't spoken of.
“I’m not saying it was the right thing to do, but his heart was in the right place then, and it is now with you too.” Kate searches his eyes before carrying on. “He doesn't think you're incapable of taking care of yourself or that your work is meaningless, he just wants to know and understand more in order not to worry so much.”
Colin remains quiet, gazing up at the stars, but the look behind his eyes shows that he heard everything Kate said.
“He reads your articles, you know.”
His head snaps back in her direction.
“What? No, he doesn't."
“He does, and he sends them in the Sharma family group chat for Mary, Eddie and Fred to read too.”
“Well, he never said anything,” he murmurs. “Why doesn't he say anything?”
Kate shrugs.
“I guess you will have to ask him.”
Colin simply hums and resumes his stargazing, lost in thought. Kate turns towards his swing before making a final comment on the matter.
“I’m not asking you to look the other way when he's being his infuriating self. Everybody knows I'm the last person to tell anyone to give Anthony an easy time,” she jokes. “But I’m asking you to take one moment at a time for both of your sakes. You two clearly love and care deeply for one another to just give up entirely on your relationship over some miscommunication."
A beat passes. Then another. And Colin finally replies.
“Can I think about it?”
Kate can hardly contain her smile. Even though he's mostly known as ‘Chaos Colin’ among the family, Kate has yet to meet someone as thoughtful as her little brother. He likes to sit with things, study every possibility and consider all variables before making a decision.
So she gladly nods when answering.
“Of course.”
After that, Kate and he just sit in the swings for a while, enjoying the cold breeze and the quiet of the night until Colin breaks it.
“Well, I've already taken enough of your time so I should head out and let you get some rest.”
“It is late but I didn't mind. It's always nice to catch up with you, Col.”
“Yeah, you too.”
As he gets up to leave, Colin turns to Kate one last time.
“You know, this used to be Eloise and Benedict's spot before we all moved out,” Colin says, glancing back at the swings. “Where they would come to hide, to plot, to have a chat.”
“To have a cig when they thought your mum wasn't looking.”
“Yeah,” he laughs. “I was always a bit jealous that they had such a close relationship that they had their own hideout, even if it was right in plain sight. But tonight, even after everything, I feel like I got a bit of that with you. Thanks, Kate.”
She reaches out to his left hand and gives it a tight, reassuring squeeze.
“Anytime, bhai.”