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Hanako-san, Hanako-san, make my wish come true...
The people came. No matter the season, no matter the weather, even if it storms like crazy or rain falls like stones.
Little girls came to make their little wishes from broken hearts.
And after waiting seconds for seconds, hands crossed, their shoulders relax and their breath becomes steady. "It's not real."
And then they're gone. Never looking back.
On the wall a shadow, keeps watching them.
Hanako-kun was always there. Hanako-kun was never gone.
Humans sure are stupid. Believing in their dumb wishes for boyfriends, money, and whatever. Sometimes there are even small things like getting a new eraser.
It's kinda getting boring here, isn't it?
~Amane had a wish too. Amane was the most stupid~
1.
One of the first wishes he ever made was a silly one. The one he dreamed of on those nights when the stars shine bright,
where the moon glows like a big light in the darkness.
If only he could go there...
The first wish of Amane was the one he ~lost after death~ in his heart that could never be erased.
He can't exactly say why for sure, but a wish is a wish, right? Nothing more, nothing less.
~He clung to it until the end~
If Amane really could have gone to the moon back then, he wouldn't have had to sit on the toilet for decades. He wouldn't have lost it. He wouldn't have stabbed the kitchen knife – the big red one – into his little brother's chest over and over again.
Maybe it would have been different then.
But when his heart stopped beating...
Well, Hanako-kun was born.
Hanako-kun knows that nothing would change at all.
Because there is no such god to grant your wishes. So he became his own god.
~Even that wouldn't change anything~
After all, Tsukasa wouldn't come back.
And neither would he.
Tsukasa became his Yorishiro. His seal. His promise.
His biggest regret.
2.
He was fine.
But the doctors said he was sick.
Months went by.
Amane could no longer stand up.
That was the first time he realized how much living can hurt. The medicine Kaa-san gave him tasted bitter and sharp. He wanted to spit it out, vomit the whole bitterness out of his stomach.
The only thing that could help was when his parents held him tight. "Everything will be fine," they whispered in his ear.
Amane believed them. ~He didn't.~
So did Tsukasa. He would bring plants he found back to his room. It would always be more fun.
When Amane couldn't play, Tsukasa would make him play. When he cried, Tsukasa would lick away his tears. "There, there, pain pain fly away! Do you feel better, Amane?"
He did. That's how things worked. That's how things worked even after years.
~Where Amane stabbed Tsukasa and then stabbed himself~
One time, he took a nettle by accident. Kaa-san bandaged his hands. "Be more careful next time, Tsukasa-kun," she told him.
Days when his fever broke out were the worst.
Amane can't really remember anything.
It was blurry.
Hot.
The air roasted him.
Did he scream? The day after, his lungs hurt. His lungs were way too weak to ever scream, so how could he?
And that was the most painful.
Would he die?
He didn't want to.
~He did.~
So, the nights before it would happen, god granted him a wish.
And Amane didn't die.
~That was his first regret~
3.
One month after that,
on the night of their fourth birthday,
Tsukasa vanished. On that night, the night after, the night after that, Amane prayed. He prayed with all his heart, with all he had left, for Tsukasa to come back.
Jumping right out of the next corner and screaming:
"Found you!"
Like this was nothing more than a game.
Like it wasn't a disappearance, a miracle – Tsukasa would just return to his crying parents, back to Amane.
~Back to Hanako~
At that point – what does the moon matter?
All he wanted was for him to return.
All he wished for was playing with his brother, rolling in the yard, and searching for flowers.
But again, no one heard him. No one cared, no one saw. He was just a little kid whose twin got lost or kidnapped. When adults saw their parents, they hugged his mother tight, they said, "We will find your son" to his father. And when they looked at Amane,
they had that expression on their faces.
Poor kid.
He doesn't understand anything.
Are we sure we'll find his brother back?
It must be traumatic for him.
He'll grow out of this.
None of these words were ever said. And yet, still echoing between his eyes, the emotions he read, the emotions he didn't understand back then.
~But now he does.~
All of a sudden, half a year went by. They still hadn't found him.
But then Tsukasa came back.
Out of nowhere, just standing there.
Everything was fine again; everything – they could play in the yard, pet little kittens...
It was the second time his wish was fulfilled.
He wished it wasn't.
4.
Without him knowing, years passed.
The plants in the garden grew older, bigger, stronger. The windows were now dirt-stained, where the light fell through the glass and lit the rooms inside the house.
Without him knowing, everything changed.
People say time flows like a river. The water swirled around him and washed him away without him knowing.
But Amane noticed.
Of course he did.
Maybe it began when Kaa-san went crazy.
She would scream something about an evil demon or ghost. He didn't understand any of that.
He just wanted things to be back the way they were.
But they didn't.
Tou-san left. Probably because he couldn't bear his wife, his family, like that anymore.
There were only him and Tsukasa left.
How did it come to this?
But that's okay.
Change is meant to bring good luck, people say.
Amane decided that change wouldn't bring him fortune.
But that's okay... after all, Tsukasa didn't change.
Amane wished for him never to change.
5.
He was thirteen. And so was Tsukasa. Thirteen was the age when he changed.
Thirteen was the age when he took the knife and stabbed it into his brother's chest over and over and over again, until there was no one left to breathe, until the blood dyed his entire hands red, until the blood dripped from the walls until –
Amane is alone, all alone by himself, and he wishes he weren't, he wishes he hadn't made that stupid decision, he wishes it could be different, he wishes everything would be different –
But it isn't.
It wouldn't be.
The echoes of Tsukasa laughing hang on his ears, laughing when the blade pierced his stomach.
"I knew it! I knew, Amane! You still love me!"
And the most terrifying thing in this whole disaster is: Tsukasa isn't even lying. He isn't crying. He isn't doing anything except getting killed, and that's it.
Amane loves him – that's it.
So? So what? It still didn't change a single thing.
He loves him, so Tsukasa has to die.
It would be better if Amane didn't.
The truth is, Amane really, really hates him ~for loving him.~
Things are much easier if he does.
~Much more painful.~
So, Amane wished for Tsukasa to die. Because there isn't a god; he has to make his own wish come true.
~It didn't ever.~
6.
And then his world turned red. Everything lost its color, its sense; the flowers turned to ash and – why did he do it? A sorrow was heard, then a scream – no, it wasn't – he had no reason to –
He had every reason to die.
He killed Tsukasa.
The dead eyes watching him.
The cold body lying on the ground.
Tsukasa promised not to go anywhere.
Amane took the promise and tore it with his own hands. The knife.
Everything.
On that day, the world was cruel. On that day, Amane was cruel enough to kill his own brother with his own hands.
So cruel, cruel, cruel, cruel.
He hears a voice in his head. The angels were howling. They were crying for the cruelty of the life that was taken.
Amane was the sin. Tsukasa was the regret. The wish.
His life.
So Amane took his own.
The one filled with wishes, with regrets, and all the sins.
His burden.
He wouldn't wish for anything ever again
7. Hanako-san of xxx
On the lonely roof of a school sits a silhouette. You can guess who it is.
Only the blurry light of someone who is long forgotten.
After all, Amane is dead. He is dead and he won't come back.
What you see is only the shadow of something, like a ghost.
Hanako-kun of the toilet isn't lonely.
People pass by; they stop but then turn their backs and leave.
But that's okay.
After all, the dead don't hold grudges. They don't hold regret. They don't hold hope.
Because they no longer hold a future.
On that night, when the moon hits the horizon line, Hanako holds long-forgotten memories.
Maybe he is already dead. Maybe the memories are.
If only he could forget them.
Hanako-san of the toilet doesn't hold any desires.
Because Amane Yugi held every one for him.
Because Hanako wears the dead corpse of Amane.