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It was a particularly lethargic day for both Jett and Mark, who were lazed together in Jett’s race car bed, legs tangled together intimately. They were both alike in the sense that bad days weighed down on them entirely, rendering them completely incapable of leaving bed. Lately, since they had officially gotten together, their depressive tendencies had begun to lessen. Mark was completely sober, and Jett began to show more of himself. That didn’t mean they didn’t have their off days, however.
Right now, it was 2pm and neither of them had done anything or even left bed. Nor did they intend to. It wasn’t completely bad. Mark was glad he was with someone who could understand how he gets and not judge him. A year ago, before him and Jett had grown so fond of each other, when Mark got like this he would demand to be left alone for hours on end, shrouded in darkness until he was safe to come out. Now he felt like he had someone he could share his vulnerability with without feeling shame. Someone who he could spend whole days with and not feel drained from all the interaction.
Mark lifted his head up from off his boyfriend’s chest wearily, gazing up at the snoozing man in front of him. Jett really did nap a lot. His mouth was slightly parted as he let out obscene snoring noises. The rise and fall of his chest was a huge comfort for Mark as he laid on top of the large man, basking in the feeling of familiarity.
Looking up to see his boyfriends beautiful face rather than his helmet made Mark’s heart swell with affection. It took a long time for that boundary to be broken down, to the point where he had pathetically fallen for Jett before he even knew what he looked like. Despite this, there was still so much Mark was yet to see. The rest of his body remained covered most of the time apart from his face and hands. He had never seen his boyfriend from the neck down. Mark had realised that it less to do with physical insecurity, and more to do with shame. Despite this, they were making progress, such as Jett going out into public without his helmet on some days. He even said he wants to eventually come into school without it. That part of the healing process seemed quite distant, however.
Jett’s reserved nature when it came to how much of himself he showed people made Mark feel like he was maybe showing too much. Jett had seen him in his most shameful moments and at some of the lowest points in his life. Jett had woken up in the middle of the night numerous times to Mark’s body shaking in distress because of the intensity of his withdrawals. Back when they were simply friends, he had witnessed Mark hyperventilating at the sheer thought of going to rehab. Jett has seen all his scars, emotionally and physically.
He will never forget how Jett had reacted to seeing his heroin track marks along his forearms and scattered across his neck for the first time. Mark shudders at the memory. Having a constant reminder of his past had taken a large toll on his recovery journey, and showing the reminder to someone else was the most vulnerable he had ever felt his entire life.
Jett had traced his fingers up and down the bumps and red marks on his arms sweetly and kissed the cluster of track marks located on his neck. It may have been the gentlest way anybody had ever handled him. He remembers Jett had said something ridiculous whilst buried in the crook of his neck along the lines of ‘I’m gonna take away the pain and give it to Damon.’ It was a childish thing to say during such a serious conversation but for just a second it made Mark’s tears come to a halt as a weak laugh escaped his lips.
After a while of gazing at Jett’s peaceful sleeping expression, he suddenly felt a shift in his boyfriend’s breathing patterns before he began to stir, his eyes fluttering open. In a desperate attempt to not be caught staring, Mark frantically returns to his previous position, burying his face in Jett’s warm chest. However, by the sounds of his boyfriends soft knowing laugh, he had been caught anyway.
Jett lazily threads his fingers through Mark’s hair, who peaks out from his hiding spot to meet his boyfriend’s gaze.
“Morning Broskii” he chuckles groggily, scratching the top of Mark’s head.
“Pretty sure it’s the afternoon”
“It is?” Jett questions, not entirely bothered by their laziness. “Aw man, our sleep schedule sucks.”
“Our?” a breathy laugh escapes Mark “I’ve been awake since this morning.”
Which is entirely true. While Jett is the kind of person that can easily fade in and out of consciousness, once Mark is up he can’t fall back asleep. He had spent hours doing nothing, just lounging in his sleeping boyfriend’s presence.
“Oh really? So, you were staring at me like that for how long?” Teases Jett daringly.
It causes Mark to shrink back into his hiding spot groaning as Jett snickers and wraps his big arms around the smaller boy’s scrawny back.
“Ngh…leave me alone.” Mark retorts with no real malice, though his demands are muffled as he refuses to show his face.
Jett decides to stop his taunting in favour of gently combing Marks hair through his fingers, causing Mark to hum in approval. They lay in comfortable silence for a while, as they often do on days like this where there is nothing they can really bring themselves to do. After some time, his hands travel from Mark’s scalp, to his shoulders, then to the more wary territory of his arms, which are both either side of Jett’s torso. His touch always remains extra delicate when he goes near his arms, like he’s holding fine China that he’s terrified of breaking.
Jett stops in his tracks as his boyfriend suddenly looks upwards facing him, as if there’s something he’d like to say. He feels a pang of fear enter his chest, worried he’d overstepped his boundaries. This was always something that Jett struggled with- for him it’s hard to understand whether he’s being pushy or intrusive towards people. Luckily, he’d taught himself how to read Mark’s body language pretty well.
His worries are short-lived as Mark finally says what’s on his mind.
“Was thinking about getting some tattoos or something” he states timidly, unsure of what Jett would say.
The sentence is unexpected, and it kind of throws Jett for a loop. His Broskii had never mentioned anything like that before. He was also pretty sure Mark had the worst pain tolerance known to man. Not that he didn’t think he would look rad. Mark could probably get a huge obnoxious forehead tattoo and he’d still support it.
“Tattoos?” Jett questions, his head perking up curiously “that’d be pretty dope!”
There is a beat of silence between the two. Mark seems pleased at how easily Jett encourages, a half-smile growing on his face, but it feels like there’s something else on his mind. It makes Jett want to further enquire.
“But…aren’t you scared of needles?” Jett sits up scratching his prickly beard thoughtfully.
“…yep.”
“So, then you’re just gonna thug it out?”
Mark exhales deeply avoiding eye contact.
“Yeah. I just want something to cover these up.” He explains turning his arms around to give Jett a better look.
It clicks in his mind that Mark only wants tattoos on his arms. To cover his track marks. The sensitive subject being brought up makes Jett’s mind short circuit, unsure what the best encouragement in this situation would be.
Immediately, Jett can empathize with him. He knows what it feels like to want to hide yourself entirely. He’d spent so long hiding himself whilst internally battling his depression and insecurities. Him and Mark had known each other for so long before he had even had the guts to reveal his face. He understands Mark completely but knowing that he’s having the same insecurities as he once had (and continues to have often) makes Jett a little anxious.
After quite a while of silence, Mark speaks up again, backtracking on his previous statement.
“Doesn’t matter…It’s dumb. I don’t even know what I’d want a tattoo of” his voice is uncertain, making his vulnerability very evident.
Jett’s expression gets quite determined as he quickly jumps at the chance to reassure him.
“No, it’s not dumb Broskii! Not dumb at all!” he consoles frantically. The sudden enthusiasm is the most energy he’d shown all day, a big change from his previous idle state.
“I think you should totally go for it if that’s what you want” he encourages “but you know…I think your arms are cool with or without tattoos”
Maybe cool wouldn’t be the right word, but Jett tries his best to say something thoughtful. Apparently, it had worked because Mark says nothing in reply, looking deep in thought. He rubs a thumb across Mark’s right forearm- Jett had always been better at showing affection physically rather than through words. Then suddenly Jett remembers something, and an idea pops into his head on how to make Mark stop doubting himself.
“I have tattoos you know”
At this, Mark shifts to meet Jett’s eyes. He’s overtaken by surprise and intrigue, shuffling a bit closer to Jett.
“Huh? Since when?”
“Since, like forever Broskii” he explains “They’re all from before…you know.”
Before the life changing accident involving Jett and his brother, Jett had been quite open about his appearance, not yet overcome by shame and insecurity. Just before the accident was the last time he had been in front of anyone shirtless, or in a tank top, or in shorts.
Mark remembers that there is good portion of Jett’s body that he has never seen, in there whole six months of dating. It makes sense that Mark wouldn’t have seen any tattoos, but the idea of Jett having any makes him a little excitable and curious.
“Where do you have them? How many?” Mark questions, showing an uncharacteristic amount of eagerness. It makes Jett chuckle fondly.
“Just two, one on my back and one on my bicep. I wanted to get a whole lot more but then.” he shifts a little, “…the incident happened”. His breath hitches, as though mentioning his accident out loud still doesn’t come naturally to him.
He quickly shoves his tone of discomfort aside, focusing on uplifting Mark “but hey, they didn’t hurt all that bad! Nothing Jett Dawson can’t handle!”
Mark sinks back down, resting his chin on Jett’s firm chest, his short-lived excitement dissipates at Jett’s anxious tone.
As though reading Jett’s mind, Mark speaks in almost a whisper “you don’t have to show me them.” He is perfectly content with just knowing they exist.
Now, it’s Jett’s turn to be lost in thought at Mark’s words. He trusts his Broskii more than anyone else in the world- certainly more than he trusts himself. Mark has entrusted him with so much, showed him all his flaws and has waited patiently for Jett to do the same. Now could be a good time to show his trust of Mark in return. He sits up slowly, giving Mark time to move his resting head off his chest and also sit up. He’s a little alarmed by Jett’s sudden movement, his expression changing to a look of confusion. He’s about to complain about the change in position, wanting to lay on his chest for longer, until he sees him reach for the bottom of his hoodie as though he’s about to take it off.
“wait Jett..!” he softly takes hold of Jett’s wrist “I didn’t mean to pressure you or anything…”
While it’s true that he is hesitant to show so much of himself, he knows it was going to happen eventually. Maybe it’s too soon for sappy thoughts like this, but if Jett sees a future where he wants to marry this man, he needs to be totally open with him.
He laughs a little nervously “I know that Broskii. I want you to see.”
Mark can’t quite believe his ears. He had learned to live with the fact that Jett may never want to be so open with him, may never trust him on that level. He wasn’t charismatic, he couldn’t gently probe the truth out of Jett in the same way Jett was able to do for him. All he could really do was wait. Wait and hope that eventually, Jett will see him entirely as a safe-space in the same way that he views Jett as a safe-space.
Well, it seems like that was finally happening, and all he could do was nod at Jett’s words like an idiot, anticipating how Jett was about to lay all his vulnerabilities out in the open. Jett grabs the bottom of his hoodie, clearly hesitating with a worried look on his face, remaining unmoving for a moment.
In a weak attempt to make Jett feel safer, Mark whispers under his breathe “It’s only me Jett” whilst reaching out to touch the side of his face lovingly. A reminder that nobody else is there to judge him, and Mark wouldn’t dream of doing so. Jett smiles softly and without further ado, begins to slowly pull his hoodie over his head. Mark removes his hand and watches intently. It feels like he’s watching unseen footage of his favourite show. Or listening to a demo version of his favourite song.
Once his entire torso is bare, Mark is left to take in the sight in front of him. His chest and strong arms are covered in a lot of hair, and he notices healed scars, paler than the rest of his dark skin, littered across his stomach, shoulders and left arm. They’re clearly self-inflicted and the realisation makes his heart ache. Despite the implications of that, Jett is still the most perfect thing he’s ever seen. Mark thinks everything about him is beautiful.
Jett avoids looking Mark in the eyes like the plague. He looks to the side, as though there is something particularly interesting about his nightstand all of a sudden. His breathing quickens and he lets out a sound that is close to a whimper, uncharacteristically. Mark knows hardly anything about comforting people, but he knows how Jett usually comforts him when he’s upset. In an attempt to mimic this he cautiously reaches out to Jett’s left arm rubbing his thumb across the bumpy scars.
Getting closer, he sees ink on the bicep of the same arm he is caressing. He’s unable to fully work out what the tattoo actually is, his arm trailing upwards to touch it.
“Can I see?” he asks in his softest possible voice.
Jett looks up and his eyes widen, as though he’s only just remembered the reason why he took of his hoodie in the first place. He nods slowly, finally looking at Mark in the eyes and relaxing when he sees no hints of disgust or malice on his face. He rotates his body so that his arm faces Mark, finally revealing the tattoo. His eyes lock onto it as he immediately stares in awe- the tattoo is so typical of Jett that it makes Mark smile fondly.
The tattoo shows two small coyotes jumping around and playing with each other. The drawing itself is incredibly well done and its so distinctly Jett that it makes him sad that he had been hiding it for so long. His fingers passively trace along the outline of the tattoo as he admires it, and Jett squirms a little like the feeling of his partner’s fingertips tickles him. In all fairness, it’s been so long since anyone had touched him in that area without there being a barrier. He’s also just noticing quite a lot of cute freckles across Jett’s shoulders and the top of his arm.
“woah…it’s cool.” Mark approves “I like it.”
“Yeah?” asks Jett weakly “Do you wanna see the other?”
“Mhm” Mark nods in intrigue, and Jett turns around to show his strong back. He moves his white locs out of the way to show the tattoo that starts at his neck and ends between his shoulder blades. The top of it is a vertical wiggly line that looks like a flame, leading downwards down his spine where it meets something that looks like a star or maybe an exploding sun. Mark isn’t entirely sure what it is, but he thinks it looks cool.
“It’s a dying star.” Jett explains, as if his silence had allowed him to read his mind. “They explode in space for years when they die. At the time I thought that was pretty cool”
Mark is a little taken back by the explanation, he didn’t take Jett for a guy that was into astronomy. Even so, he thinks a ‘dying star’ is perfect for someone as explosive as Jett, if a little ironic at the same time…
“It is pretty cool.” Mark easily agrees, before leaning forwards and pressing a delicate kiss against the centre of Jett’s back tattoo affectionately. It makes Jett yelp in surprise and straighten his back, clearly still not used to the skin on skin contact, but after another brief kiss he settles into the feeling and allows it.
“I like them a lot.” He mumbles against Jett’s back “you should get some more.”
“Rehehe” he lets out a goofy laugh, like he’s ticklish from Mark’s lips murmuring against his back “Maybe I will.”
They sit in silence for a while; Mark’s scrawny arms wrapped around Jett as he kisses up and down his back. Jett’s previous discomfort and fear fades away, replaced by the feeling of being worshipped. After a while, they lay back down, much to Mark’s joy as he gets to rest his head on his boyfriend’s chest once more and listen to his heartbeat. It’s at this point that a dumb idea pops into Jett’s head.
“Hey Broskii” he grins “I know what my next tattoo can be”
Mark can already tell by his tone that something absolutely ridiculous is about to leave his mouth. He sighs, mentally preparing himself for Jett’s tomfoolery.
“…What might that be Jett?” he asks flatly.
“I’m gonna get ‘MARK’ in big bold letters!” he declares, seeming awfully proud of himself.
“…you must be joking.”
“Nyehhh..I’m not joking Broskii!” he whines “wouldn’t that be cool??”
Mark scoffs at the notion of his name looking cool on anyone. “Not at all…” Mark tries to hold in a giggle, trying not to encourage his boyfriend, but he can’t stop the smile that grows on his face.
Jett seems at least satisfied that Mark finds it amusing, his grin growing tenfold.
“You don’t see the vision Broskii! I’m gonna get it right here!” he exclaims, moving his locs out of his face to show his forehead. He’s trying and failing at stifling his own laughter as he tries to get a reaction out of Mark.
“Alright, now you’re just making fun of me.”
“I’m not! I’m not!” he claims, “you don’t like the forehead idea?”
Mark finally breaks and laughs at his boyfriend’s foolishness.
“You already know the answer to that.” He giggles whilst shaking his head.
“Aw, man…” Jett sulks, pretending to be disappointed.
The pair sit in comfortable silence again, basking in the presence of one another. Once again, Jett’s hand finds it’s way into Mark’s hair, who melts into the touch. Whenever the hand threatens to leave, Mark glares at his boyfriend making irritated groaning noises until it returns. Some days this is all they do together. Cuddle, talk about nothing and nap. Mark assumes that at some point the recovery process will make the both of them more productive, however, they’re definitely not at that stage yet. Maybe when they are at that stage, they can do more romantic things like go on actual dates. Mark feels fine right where he is for the moment, though.
“I’m not totally against matching tattoos you know.” Mark blurts out.
Jett’s head perks up, like a dog hearing the word ‘walk’. He sits up in intrigue, his face lighting up.
“Actually? You actually mean it Broskii?” he asks in excitement.
“Yeah. Just not something idiotic like our names on each other’s foreheads.”
Jett nods eagerly agreeing “I hear you loud and clear Broskii! We’ll get something epic!”
For a moment, Jett looks like he might have something else to say, but when he opens his mouth a huge yawn escapes him and his eyes go half-lidded. The yawn is so obnoxiously loud that it startles Mark.
“You can’t seriously be sleepy again…” Mark sighs.
“You know how it is..! It’s just one of those days!” Jett defends himself drowsily. Funnily enough, Mark does now how it is.
“Yeah, I understand. You can go back to sleep if you want” Mark tells him in a soft voice.
“Hm…Night night Broskii…” his sentence is cut off by another, less loud yawn “We can go somewhere tomorrow, I promise.”
And just like that, Jett is out like a light. Mark smiles as his boyfriend dozes off and presses a light kiss against the corner of Jett’s mouth.
Their recovery process wasn’t perfect, but it was something.