Archive of Our Own

January 2nd, 2016

Dear Jisung,

It seems silly writing letters to a dead boy, doesn't it? To a dead boy who made space in my heart for just a few months without any intention of leaving?  A whole year has gone by and I still can't let go. You wouldn't be very proud of me.

Another summer has passed, and the world keeps turning, just as you knew it would. It still stings, reading your last words. There are days, more than I want to admit, when I pull out that crumpled piece of paper and trace the ink with my fingers, trying to feel your presence. And there are days when I'm forced to relive that day – spending every waking minute haunted by the image of you lying motionless on the grass.

Time continues to move forward without you. And yet, I'm stuck here – trapped in the same endless cycle of wishing that I could somehow turn back time and stop all this from happening.

I miss the boy who saw me as Minho, instead of "Minho, the sick kid." I miss the sudden smiles by the lake, all teeth and sunshine with light whipping through your hair. I miss your stupid grin right before you'd slap those massive headphones around my ears and shove another "life-changing" song my way. I miss you.

Before you died, I made you a promise that I wouldn't give up on my treatment. And I'm trying, Jisung. I really am.

Dr. Kim... Well, she was right. The new treatment plan worked, and I'm still in remission. Yay me, I guess. It's strange. I wanted to stop chemo, convinced I was going to die. And then, after meeting you – after your insistence that there was more beyond cancer – my body finally started to cooperate. It feels almost cruel that I got this chance, yet you didn't.

I keep wondering if I did enough. If I said enough. Back then, I had enough depression in my system to paint the whole world gray, so I'm not sure. I hope you really knew how much you meant to me. God, I hope you did.

Your band – Stray Kids? – were wrecked after they got the news. I don't know if you knew how much you meant to them, either. How much you meant to so many people. They wrote a song for you called "Star Lost," and I wished you could hear it because it's a song I know you'd love. It's playing on the radio quite often nowadays, which is a bit sad since it digs up memories of me sobbing profusely at your funeral.

"Star Lost." I've listened to it about a hundred times already, but the lyrics still manage to rip apart my insides. "I imagine you in the night sky / You comforting me somewhere." Is this the magical part of music you felt? Where you can relate so deeply to words that you never wrote?

"I even miss you in my dreams, I keep looking for you / I was wandering on the road and yet again end up going back to the same place."

Sometimes, I go down to the lake. The one we used to sit by. I listen to the wind, the birds, the water lapping against the rocks, and I pretend you're there. I have your chunky, rainbow headphones clasped over my ears and I listen to "Star Lost" for the millionth time. Then, I talk to you like you're still here. Maybe you hear me. Maybe you don't. But I like to think that a part of you is still watching, listening.

The most painful part of it all is that you carried the weight of the world on your shoulders with a smile on your face. You just wanted a little normalcy, a little joy. And you gave that to me, even as you were fading away.

I could have loved you, Jisung. Why did you have to die?

I swear that I still see you sometimes, you know? In the way the stars shine so bright even though they're so far away. Maybe I need to be locked in a psychiatric ward next, but I swear I talked to you through a star once. I don't know if it was real or just my mind trying to find you, but it gave me something to hold onto. So, next time I'm looking at the stars, give me a holler alright?

There are so many things I want to tell you. Like the fact that I'm in university, and that I decided to major in performing arts. Since I'm in a good place in my remission, I'll be taking a gap year to dance for TXT. You wouldn't know them, since they only debuted recently. But you'd like them a lot. It's crazy that I get to pursue the dreams I thought would remain as just that. Dreams.

Oh! One more thing! I adopted a new cat. His name is Sungie and he wears rainbow cat sweaters around the house. My mother spoils him. Sometimes, when I look at him, he reminds me of you. I wonder what you'd think of this comparison. Are you a cat person?

I miss you, my ephemeral friend. I hope you've found the peace you were searching for. And I hope, wherever you are, you know that I'm keeping my promise.