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Cold air was breezing through the trees, the forest in front of them was huge, the pines were aligning, one after the other, creating one of the nicest views you could see in this part of the kingdom. The moon was so bright anyone could see without lamps or fire, it was a nice night. The whole house was asleep. Zuko was alone on the balcony, or so he thought.
Let's take everything back to a few days before. The gaang had taken vacations in the earth kingdom on a remote island, just to relax a bit before going back to actively rebuilding years of trust, burnt away by the past fire nation's rulers. Restoring the economy, peace, and healing minds has not been an easy task so far, but Aang was convinced better days were ahead of them. Still, these past few months had been heavy, and they all needed a fresh start.
Zuko had been the one to suggest it. He didn't quite know how to admit to the others he actually felt uncomfortable in that, big, shiny palace that was now his. It had always been his home, but everything had changed, the meaning it used to bear when he was only just a kid... Living there was different then; the transition was hard. He often woke up, drenched in sweat, haunted by his own memories of the place.
During the last two months especially, he had felt lonely. It didn’t use to be a problem, until he broke up with Mai, and he started to feel like the place was too big for one person. It was one more reminder that his entire family had been locked away or worse. Even though he had been a bit busy to think about that a lot, he did, occasionally.
What if he hadn't been born as royalty? What if he had had a normal family and a normal life away from all of this? He could've had all this if it weren't for the war... And still, now that it was over, he felt like he had nothing else to hold onto. He had never been left feeling so empty before, even at his worse, he at least still had a target, a thing to do, a motivation to wake up every day.
Not anymore. It wasn't that bad, he felt at peace for the first time in a long time, but he was lacking something.
Then, on a cold night not unlike this one, came this vacation idea, relaxation seemed like it was an easy and fitting answer to the question "what do I lack?"
He was startled by a voice breaking the silence abruptly.
"What are you doing out here by yourself? Trying to see how long you can stay out before catching a cold? If not, I think you could use this." Sokka handed him a blanket. Zuko declined by shaking his head gently, he could control his body temperature himself. Sokka wrapped it around in a way that clearly said “No takebacks”
"Can't sleep." Zuko quietly exhaled, looking up again.
Sokka settled next to him. Up close, the "blanket" seemed more like a very old tapestry. It for sure at least smelled like one. Where did he even find this? He was at a reasonable distance, but he was still close enough so that Zuko could just reach his hand up to Sokka's. Not that he'd do that, he wasn't thinking about doing that, why would he be thinking about doing that?
...
Why was he thinking about not thinking that? It wouldn't be weird just normal friendly behaviour, like a handshake would be, because he, firelord Zuko, can still shake hands with his great friend Sokka if he wanted to. Nothing fishy here, he could still think and do things freely right? Right. He swallowed with difficulty. He could keep up the lie as long as it was only in his mind.
"Yeah. Tell me about it." Sokka sighed loudly, then slung his legs over the balcony, letting them dangle in the wind freely.
"Tell you about what?" Zuko snapped his head around, in a way that was way too unnatural to be qualified anything near smooth. The inner monologue stopped immediately.
"Huh... Not sleeping? Are you okay?" Sokka raised an eyebrow, looking back at Zuko.
"Oh yes, perfectly good. I'm fine, I’m completely fine. I'm just tired." Zuko laughed awkwardly.
"Sure... If you say so..." The other turned his head back to face the moon, still eyeing Zuko, the same look he’d give a bomb ready to explode in his face at any moment.
They stayed together in comfortable silence looking at the stars, Zuko couldn't tell how much time had passed when he spoke again, maybe it had been 15 minutes, but, to be honest, it most likely had been an hour. Sokka was staring at the moon, his elbows on his knees, his head in his hands, Zuko had been staring at him quietly since he started, just observing the rise and fall of his chest as he breathed, looking at every imperceptible emotion on his face, trying to decipher each of them.
It was a mix of melancholy and tiredness. He looked like a painting. Not the kind of painting you'd see in the palace, those were just old portraits of royals and murals depicting diverse conquests, they didn’t even come close to being as beautiful as this and they never would, it was the kind of masterpiece you'd see in an artist's workshop. It had been coloured of this quiet shade of beautiful and sadness that could only be achieved with the right amount of love and hard work.
He itched for something to talk about, something to break the silence, to give him a reason to appreciate the moment, something to snap himself out of it. He risked a quick glance at the moon before turning back to Sokka.
"Do you think a lot about her?" The words escaped Zuko's mouth despite himself, his eyes focused on the moon again rather than on Sokka, he couldn’t see his friend’s face anymore but he could picture it easily.
"Yeah..." He paused, then sighed "Actually, no, not really, at least not anymore. Nights like this one I do, but it's been a while since I've had time to myself and thought about any of this. Thanks to these vacations now I do. It's okay though, I'm starting to move on I think. I feel better now than I did then that's for sure."
"Oh." Zuko cursed himself for even bringing this up, he was so bad at comforting people, small talk, the normal things everyone ought to know, it drove him crazy.
"But let's not talk about my love life which is obviously catastrophic and focus on yours, how are things going with Mai?" Sokka attempted a laugh, but it's like he had to spit out the last words, Zuko knew he didn't like Mai but he could at least try pretend.
"Didn't I tell you? We broke up two months ago."
"FOR REAL? THAT’S GR- I mean that's terrible what happened" Sokka was very, very obviously trying to refrain a smile and he was not doing a good job at it, even in the dark, Zuko could tell.
When actually meeting Mai -of course Sokka had met her already but under far less pleasant circumstances-, he had tried, and of course, failed miserably at keeping up appearances. Unfortunately for him, Zuko wasn't a fool, not in this instance at least. He understood why Sokka didn't like her, he held a grudge against her. It was fair, Zuko just wished he'd give her the same chance he gave him. Now that he thought about it, it wasn't like Sokka to be this resentful, but what else could it be anyways?
"I um... Let's say it's complicated. You said your love life was catastrophic, what about Suki?"
"Well then, let’s say it's complicated too, if you keep your mysteries, I have to keep mine as well, can't have you thinking the great warrior Sokka is an idiot.” Sokka smiled even wider, Zuko could tell he was starting to cheer up already.
"You know I’m aware you're an idiot already."
“Okay, then I’ll have you know, I’m a lot smarter than I let on. Also; I can’t have you thinking I’m an idiot and a lovesick fool can I?"
“Sure you are Sokka, sure you are.”
"How about this, if you tell me why you broke up with Mai, I'll tell you what's going on with Suki." Sokka flopped onto the floor, laying lazily on the balcony's cold stone structure.
He didn't really want to tell him, or, rather, he did, but he was so scared he thought he would throw up at any moment now. He had to tell everyone at some point anyways right? It felt right to begin with Sokka, he didn't quite know why but it just did. He felt like he could tell him anything, in facts, he felt like he should tell him everything about himself until Sokka knew Zuko better than he did himself. But most of the time, he tried to ignore the voice whispering such things. It was a foolish pursuit, and for what?
"I like guys." It was out, just a bunch of letters that formed such a scary sentence. The words were hanging on between them, dancing in the short silence. What would he say? Something like "Okay, makes sense." or "That's not right, you're a freak.". Probably the first one, but still, anxiety was bubbling up in his stomach.
"Oh." This weirdly neutral answer was making him freak out more than anything, couldn't Sokka just say what he meant?
"...How did you realise that?" His gaze shifted, it was hard to actually tell what emotions laid behind it. He was genuine, Zuko could tell that much, a bit intrigued and what resembled hope sparkled in his eyes, but now, that seemed a bit far-fetched, so he’d stick with intrigued and genuine.
"What?'' Zuko was confused, how come this was the first thing that came to his mind?
''I'm sorry, Nevermind, that's a stupid question-''
"No, I'm just surprised is all, I can tell you it's not a top secret story. I think I already told you how I stole food from the captain's cabin when me and my uncle were heading to Ba Sing Se. Well I wasn't alone." He laughed awkwardly, then, him too, let himself fall onto the ground of the balcony, laying down, face to face with the other.
Sokka just nodded along patiently, waiting for Zuko to go on with his story. He started whispering, because it just felt right.
This whole instant had this one unknown thing - this feeling to it, that was floating around, like a smell he couldn’t quite identify, something gorgeous and undefined.
"See I never told you guys precisely because I didn't know how to handle this subject but I was working with three other people. I think they used to be some kind of activist group or something. The freedom fighters I believe? And there was this guy, Jet."
"YOU MET JET?!" Sokka whispered-yelled in his ears, and Zuko blushed aggressively, if only Sokka could take a hint.
"Well yeah. He's the one that huh you know... helped me realise I guess." Zuko laid down next to Sokka, he felt really hot.
"YOU DATED JET?! I can't believe this, Katara, now you?!" Sokka waved his arms around to signal his despair.
"Well I don't know what to tell you, I think he wasn't that bad, honestly I only have good memories with him. Except that one time when he discovered me and my uncle were firebenders and tried to kill us."
"I don't even know what you guys find him. You’re all gonna be the death of me.” He shook his head in disapproval.
“He has good principles. He’s pretty good looking too.” Zuko said, even lower.
“Yeah, yeah he’s the perfect guy we get it...”
“That’s not what I’m saying.”
“It kind of is though, it sounds like you still like him a lot.” Sokka sounded kind of hurt weirdly enough.
“Sokka. I don’t. He attacked my uncle. Twice actually. I couldn’t possibly like a guy after that.” Zuko insisted, looking at the other in the eyes, it was important he got it.
“Well I never did that.” Sokka voiced out every syllable clearly. He was staring right at him; he was trying to say something.
“Right. Um... Yeah.” What was he trying to say? Best to redirect the discussion elsewhere, or this would end badly. "Now tell me about you and Suki."
“Dang it, I was hoping you’d forgotten about that.”
“No, unfortunately my memory is still pretty good.”
At first, relationships and gossip hadn’t interested him a lot, he never had a lot of time for it anyways. He had had no reason to change that in the past years, but this time, this time, he was invested. He wanted, so, so, so badly to know if they were still together. He knew why. He had just always pretended not to, because there was (maybe?) Suki, and there used to be Mai, and Sokka was his best friend, and, of course, he couldn’t allow himself to admit it. He’d been pretending for a while now, he could go on, one or two more years and then maybe he’d have forgotten about it by then.
"I don't think I want to actually, I changed my mind.” He plastered a fake playful smile on his face, when he did that, it was obvious why, especially to Zuko who had learned to read him like an open book, he was scared. The question was, why was he scared? What could be going on that he didn’t want anyone to know? What could he have to say, that he wouldn’t want Zuko to know?
He tried to ignore the quiet hope, the door faintly open in his mind, because he was sure if he ever crossed it, he wouldn’t come back. His fantasies had to be locked away, if they weren’t, maybe they’d bleed a bit too much into reality, and he would make a mistake. Maybe it would become real, not an abstract idea in his head floating around.
“That’s not fair! I literally just opened my whole soul for you to look into!” He laughed, just a bit, but of course Sokka noticed.
“The world isn’t fair Zuko, you ought to learn it” Sokka shrugged in defeat. He was still smiling, a bit more genuine though, he was messing with him, putting off saying what he had meant to.
If Sokka wouldn’t tell him it wasn’t a problem, he’d have to dig the answers out by himself.
“Why don’t you want to tell me though? You know I can be trusted; I won’t tell a soul.” Zuko sat up, positioning himself in front of Sokka, looking right at him.
“It’s embarrassing.” The other sat up as well.
“I chased you and your team across the entire world before realising it was wrong, what’s more embarrassing than that?”
“It’s not the same kind of embarrassment though, you had your reasons.”
“Then surely, you must have yours.”
“Not really?”
“For agni’s sake, Sokka, just tell me, you know I won’t say anything.”
“Right. I promised Suki I’d tell you anyways.”
“Why me specifically?”
“It’s kind of about you.” He laughed awkwardly, his gaze wandered over Zuko’s shoulder, looking everywhere but at him.
“What? Did you kiss Azula or something?” Zuko joked, he had thought about that joke for the past minute, rehearsing it in his head. It sounded funnier when it was still there. Now that it was out here, the idea didn’t seem that funny to him anymore.
“...” Sokka tensed up.
“DID YOU?” Zuko stepped closer, staring with intensity at Sokka, he was starting to be actually worried.
“Nah I’m just messing with you.” He relaxed again, or rather he should have been, but instead, he seemed more alert than he had faked being just a few seconds ago, he looked down at Zuko’s lips, for such a short time he could have sworn it only happened in his imagination.
“I hate you.”
“Shut up, you love me really.” Sokka declared, the only answer he got was a snort from Zuko. He felt even warmer now, glad he had declined the blanket. Why did he have to say that? Of all the things he could’ve said, of all the wordings he could’ve chosen, he decided that surely, this was the best thing to tell him.
“Sure, keep telling yourself that buddy.”
A few minutes passed before Zuko decided he’d give up on knowing, it had been hard but he had learned when to stop pushing, sometimes it was best to back off. Even though he was dying to know, if Sokka didn’t actually want to tell him he didn’t have to. And then, Sokka looked right at him, and spoke.
“I like you.” He blurted out, out of the blue, he looked more worried than before fighting the fire lord. It had come out in a rush, like you would confess a lie, a certain sense of urgent anxiety tainting his words, like he wanted to get it over with. Like he expected immediate rejection.
“Oh. Me too.” Zuko’s mouth moved on its own, not asking for permission or forgiveness before he could even process what had been said.
Sokka looked like he had been hit in the face with a reinforced mace. Or like he had just won the lottery and couldn’t believe his luck. Something in between. Maybe the price to the lottery was being hit by a mace, and, in that case it made perfect sense-it did not, but Zuko was willing to overlook that as there were more pressing matters to attend to right away. He opened his mouth, then closed it again, then it popped back open “I’m serious. I mean I have feelings for you. I broke up with Suki because of you.”.
“I know. I’m serious as well.”
Sokka was visibly and audibly confused at that. “It’s not funny.”
“I’m not trying to be.”
“Oh.” His eyes found Zuko’s, for the first time, he was really looking at him. Zuko tried to communicate everything he wanted to say, everything he had wanted to tell him for a long time now in a single look. Turns out, it was harder than expected.
Sokka closed the distance between them, he was close now, and Zuko suddenly became aware of everything.
He heard water flowing in a slow rhythm in the distance, an owl-lizard hooting from high in the branches of a tree, Sokka’s earrings dangling slightly as he slowly leaned in, the sound of different kind of fabrics rubbing against each other, his respiration; inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale.
He felt the silent caress of the cold night air, but also, Sokka's hot breath reaching him, being closer and closer, his skin heating up so much he thought he might as well catch fire, his own heart thumping menacingly in his chest, Sokka’s hand coming closer, asking a question.
Zuko wet his lips, looking down at the other’s, then back up again into his eyes, blue as ever, full of uncertainty and something else he couldn’t quite place his finger on, the doubt slowly bleeding out of Sokka’s face, to leave something more gentle in its place, and then Sokka was asking for permission to kiss him, and he heard himself say yes, quietly, so much so that Sokka might as well not have heard him.
But he did.
Next thing he knew, everything he had been so aware of faded away, to leave only the taste of somebody else’s mouth against his, the brush of Sokka’s long and cold fingers on his neck and their knees touching, his lips parting open, a soft gasp, the spike of adrenaline. Fast and gentle at the same time, he was slowly learning to map the interior of Sokka’s mouth, there was nothing to rush, they had all the time in the world for them right now and it would last forever as long as they believed hard enough.
Zuko launched himself forward a bit too brutally apparently, because Sokka lost his balance and they both fell over, Sokka’s back landing on the stone cold floor.
“Oi! What was that for, am I not a good kisser?” Sokka laughed, talking a bit too loudly in his opinion, as if they weren’t having a make out session on a balcony in the middle of the night, a fleet of stairs and a half away from their sleeping friends.
“I’m sorry. I got carried away I guess.” Zuko was out of breath, and so was Sokka.
“Right.” A long pause followed, during which none of them moved, they just stayed close, Zuko’s face hovering a few centimetres away over the other’s. He lowered himself a tiny bit more
“Does this mean you’re my boyfriend now?” Sokka whispered shyly.
“I sure hope so.”
“Cool.”
“Hmhm.”
Just this was enough, he didn’t need anything else, the fire nation could disappear for all he cared, because, right now, he wasn’t the firelord, he was someone’s someone and it was beautiful to be loved in such a way.
Someone’s someone.
Now this, was something for the stars to remember.