Work Text:
"Fuck, fuck, fuck, FUCK—"
Liam's voice built up to a yell as soon as he entered his driver's room, the race still blaring outside cars loudly running as their rubber tires melted and ran over the asphalt track.
Another DNF in Miami, and with an Alpine as well. Same as last year, the very year that beat him down to a pulp as he scratched at figurative metal walls with bloodied and broken nailed hands to stay in such a hard-cut sport.
Though the difference this time being his car decided to break on him, sending him into Gasly who was just trying to do the usual overtake. He couldn't fault the French man for that, he was only blaming himself, his reaction time, him not being able to deal with the antistall quick enough, and so much more.
"Maybe I, don't deserve to be in this sport."
Liam mumbled to himself, his voice quiet and uneven as he nervously pulled at the fabric of the tight longsleeved undershirt for his racesuit, his legs gave out on him, putting him curled up, against a bench, and the wall.
He was like a scared dog, curled up, shaking, but on guard. His metaphorical teeth bared and ready to bite into anyone who grew too close.
"I, fuck, everyone's fucking right."
Liam continued to mumble, his voice barely there as sobs wracked his frame, tears coming down his face, and his breath short. His shaky hands scratched at the back of his neck and head, trying to scratch out all the thoughts, the horrible comments made by people saying he didn't deserve to be here, that he was slow, that he was too angry and too egotistical, and so on. It just built and built and built. He wanted it to stop, his nails continued to scratch, he didn't even notice his breathing getting more dangerously uneven and blood and skin now sinking under his nails.
Then everything went black.
——————————————
When Liam blinked his eyes open again, everything hurt. But, he was looking up at his hotel room roof. Did the race end already? How did he get here? He didn't really know. And he wasn't sure if whoever put him here did it out of obligation or some unknown form of pathetic pity. At least that's what Liam's somewhat drowsy mind was thinking.
He'd slowly turn his head on the pillow to the left, looking in the direction of his hotel room door, and notice a somewhat blurry but tall figure in the small kitchenette a bit away from the bed. Seeming to be making, tea. He'd blink a few more times silently, before the blur slowly came together. It was Alex. Liam blinked again.
"Alex?"
Liam managed to croak out, forcing his hoarse from crying voice to speak. It hurt to talk, so he quickly grew silent once again. Though Alex seemed to quickly spin around at Liam's voice, nearly sending the cup of tea he was about to make onto the floor. Though he missed it with a quick movement.
"Liam? Oh god, I,"
Alex quickly just sort of, let the items he had in his hands clatter to the small bench of the hotel kitchenette, as he went over to Liam, his hands shifting to prop the man up on the bed.
Liam's body protested at that, though he didn't mind if it let him stay close to Alex. He'd slowly move his eyes to look over at his reflection in the decorative mirror off to the side. His neck, it, was wrapped in bandages, not much, but enough to confuse him. He'd move his left hand up to touch the bandages but it was quickly held and stopped by Alex's brown and warm hand, in a quick snatch.
"Why, why can't I touch it?"
Liam quietly asked, his voice meek as he peered up at Alex who was stood next to his hotel room bed, still holding his hand hostage in a sense. His eyes were obscured by strands of his dark blonde hair, making him look much more of a mess.
"You, just can't right now. You were in bad shape when they found you. Arvid that is, after the race. You uh," Alex paused, which confused Liam. Alex was always easy with words, and knew what he wanted to say most of the time. Hesitance usually wasn't in Alex's book, according to Liam at least.
"You scratched most of your neck open. To leave scratch marks. It, there was a lot of blood, and you weren't breathing well."
"What? I, I just got upset earlier that's all. I didn't think,"
Liam trailed off, looking down at the blanket on him as Alex continued to hold his hand or now, both of his hands. For him, he was only upset a few moments ago, meaning he probably blacked out, which was normal for him. But, he must've not woken up immediately this time.
"Liam."
Alex's voice made Liam's head come back up, as he now looked over at Alex, who'd taken to being sat on the edge of the hotel room bed.
"You had a panic attack so bad it nearly stopped your breathing. You clawed your neck open love. That, that isn't normal." Alex insisted, leaving Liam feeling exposed. Like Alex had gone and opened his chest up to expose his insides to the world. He, wasn't sure how to feel about it.
"I was, handling it fine before. It must've just been a bad one this time."
Liam eventually replied, somewhat hesitantly. He could feel Alex's shocked eyes staring right through him, and he didn't know wether to bite like the violent dog he was perceived to be, or let Alex in more.
"What do you mean before? Liam, have you been having panic attacks in the past? All alone?"
Alex asked, carefully holding both of Liam's hands now, his thumbs went against the clammy and peachy palms of Liam's hands, as the man tried to put together a reply, something to, he just wanted Alex to be happy. Not to worry about him.
"Since uhm, post when I had that incident with Checo a few years ago."
Liam mumbled, looking down again, only to bring his head back up at Alex's exclamation.
"Since then? Liam that's years of panic attacks, my god, you, you should've said something."
Alex exclaimed, his hands moving to cup both sides of Liam's face. He'd shift over, getting closer to Liam. Liam wasn't sure how to feel about Alex's reaction, he'd made Alex worried, he didn't want him to worry.
"I, I didn't want you to worry. It comes and goes really. It was, just, it got bad last year. But I was okay."
Liam tried to reason, trying to shove it all back into a box Alex didn't have to open again.
"Liam, love, you," Alex paused, shifting to sit beside Liam before pulling the man into his arms, placing Liam's head under his chin.
"You need to tell me this stuff. We're in this together. It's gotten bad enough, you nearly lost your breath today. And you were a bloodied mess." Alex would say, before gently kissing Liam's forehead.
Liam always liked forehead kisses, but, he didn't know how to feel about this one. He didn't want to worry Alex, but Alex wanted to be there for him. He wasn't sure what was correct anymore.
"I, thought I'd get better. Then, the car broke, and, I'm going to get those same comments again for weeks no matter how well I do—"
Liam managed to let everything tumble out, before stopping as a sob left him, and he'd hide his head under Alex's chin. He didn't want to deal with this alone anymore, Alex just, opened him up like a simple snaplock bag filled to the brim with water.
"Oh Liam,"
Alex would say, carefully bringing the man's head back up, wiping away Liam's tears and gently kissing the edges of the man's eyes. Liam's eyes shut each time Alex gave kisses to the worn edges, and he'd slowly quiet, his body curled in Alex's arms. He liked kisses from Alex, they were always warm to his cold to the touch skin. He'd sniffle a little, staying in the man's arms.
"I, please stay. Till' I fall asleep at least?"
Liam quietly asked Alex. He knew his boyfriend would eventually have to pop out of the hotel room for a short moment, to deal with team meetings, but Liam at least didn't want to be alone until he dozed off.
"I can very much do that. I'll stay right here."
Alex replied, a gentle but worried shut lip smile coming on his face as he gently kissed Liam, before making the man more comfortable in his arms.
Liam would shift about a bit, but he eventually found a comfortable spot, his eyes slowly blinking, as he allowed all his defences to fade away. At least while Alex was here.
Alex was safe.
Alex was warm.
He's home.