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Buck doesn't want to jump to any conclusions, but he's almost certain that Eddie's avoiding him.
Plausibly, Eddie could just be busy. He's a sociable guy, has a lot of hobbies, likes to spend as much time with Christopher as possible, always makes time to visit his Aunt Pepa or lend a helping hand. But Eddie's giving nature has never stopped him from seamlessly slipping Buck into his life without a thought.
Now though, Buck feels like an after thought at best, a distant memory that Eddie's trying to forget. It hurts in a way that's stings, makes him think of a little boy desperate to be seen, a teenager too angry to know better and a man sick of being left behind. He'd never thought Eddie could leave him feeling like that. No matter what was thrown at them Eddie always found his way back to Buck's side, stood by eachother as a team regardless. Even the move to Texas wasn't enough to keep them apart, with constant calls and texts Buck could almost imagine Eddie was still there.
Almost.
Because Buck's willing to admit he might have gone slightly insane whilst Eddie was gone, falling apart whilst the gaping cavern in his chest grew wider. He'd spiralled spectacuarly and then been thrown violently into the realisation that not only was he in love with Eddie, but he had been. For years. He'd tried to make it better, hiding behind the 'we're best friends' excuse as though that made things simpler and rattling on about him to anyone in his sight as though he could keep the ghost of Eddie alive through sheer force of will.
He owes a lot of people a lot apologies.
Safe to say he'd been a mess so, when Eddie finally came back with Chris in tow, Buck had felt like he could finally breathe again, the emptiness in his chest filled. Despite the weight of his feelings, things had started to feel normal again.
Until they weren't.
Somewhere in between of a roadtrip gone bad, a messy recovery, one too many close calls and the acquisition of a child things had been different. Everything had been slightly off, Buck feeling like he was missing a step on the stairs and having to stumble to get back on his feet.
It had started with things so small they could've been ignored at first, things Buck could've played off as him looking too closely. The weight of Eddie's gaze trailing him a bit too long, the something unidentifiable shining in the brown of his eyes, the way he stumbled over his words.
Soon, Eddie was fleeing the rooms that Buck was walking into, was taking the seat furthest from him in the loft and only speaking to him when other people were there. Once, Buck had walked into the gym, started to use the punching bag and had been there all of three minutes before Eddie was racing out with a tantalising pink flush spreading down the back of his neck and disappearing into the collar of his t-shirt.
Another person probably wouldn't be catastrophising the way Buck is considering his theory of Eddie's avoidance has spanned barely a week, but for them, this is abnormal. Buck hasn't stepped foot in the Diaz household in seven days, it's practically doomsday.
Instead of Buck initiating a very grown up conversation which would probably only expose the codependency they're always being accused of, Buck let's his thoughts run wild. Builds terrifying possibilities in his head, even starts to convince himself that somehow, Eddie knows how Buck feels and this is his way of letting him down gently.
But Buck misses his best friend. Whether it's seven days or seven hours, it's time that Buck wants to share with Eddie, he always wants to be in the presence of him, wants to do even the mundane parts of life together.
So, when just last night, Theo had looked up at him with wide eyes and a quivering lip desperate to know the next time they were going to see Eddie and Chris, something in Buck had snapped.
The next morning, after dropping Theo off to spend the day with Jee (they became fast friends and Buck is not emotional about it) he'd barely thought about it before racing to Eddie's with determination. He's not sure what he's going to say when he sees Eddie but he doesn't really have the time to plan considering he's already storming up the driveway and letting himself in with a slam of the door and a stomp of his feet.
"Buck?" Eddie's head pops up over the back of the couch, his hair ruffled into a tangle like he'd been sleeping before Buck had invaded his home.
"Is Chris here?"
"I dropped him off at his friend's an hour ago. Why? Is everything okay?"
"Everything's peachy," he grumbles. "Now get up, cause I have a bone to pick with you."
Eddie's brows ruffle in confusion before he stands up like he can't help listening to Buck. "If this is about that mug I smashed when I was watching Theo I swear it was an accident."
"That was you? I've been blaming the ghosts for weeks."
"Ghosts aren't real."
"For the last time Eddie, ghosts are definitely—" Buck pauses. This is definitely not what he came to talk about it, even if he had been missing his shark covered mug. "That's not what I mean, I mean this whole being weird business."
"Being weird business?"
"Yeah."
"Okay bud, as much as we joke I can read your mind, I'm gonna need a bit more than that."
"Oh really?" Buck scoffs.
Eddie looks baffled at Buck's sudden petulance. "Yes really."
"You know, the leaving every room I walk in, not answering my messages, sitting as far away as possible?" He let's out a bark of laughter that sounds raw in a way he wishes it didn't. "It's like you can barely look at me anymore Eddie."
"I—" Eddie's tried to start but Buck won't let him. Everything comes spilling out now he's started.
"It feels like you're so far away and I don't get what I've done. Did I overstep? Did I say something I shouldn't have? Was I being too much?" Then, quietly, the real concern slips out. "Is this about the feelings?"
"What?" Eddie breathes out.
Suddenly, Buck's angry. How can Eddie act clueless, act like Buck is the one acting out of the ordinary as though he hasn't been disrupting their careful routine all week. It's the kind of bitter anger that boils in his blood and drags out the most wretched parts of him that wishes didn't exist.
"Don't play dumb. It's like you can barely tolerate the space I'm in, always running away, always finding an excuse to be anywhere I'm not. When was the last time you spoke to me hm?" Buck should stop, he knows he should, but he doesn't. "And I mean actually spoke to me, not just a passing word in a group conversation. You're a lot of things Eddie, but I never thought you were a coward."
The silence after he says it is suffocating, choking in a way that tells Buck that that might have been too far. Eddie's eyes are filled with a scalding fire that looks dangerous, his fists tightening at his sides and his shoulders a rigid line.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"You know what I mean."
With that, Eddie joins him in the ugly mess of their anger.
"Are you really throwing this in my face right now?" His voice bounces across the walls, his hands waving in frantic circles. "You said you got it and now what, you're just changing your mind cause it suits you? That's not how this works Buck, if you wanted to talk about it again you could've just asked."
Hang on.
The retort he had lined up falls away. He's starting to think him and Eddie aren't talking about the same thing here.
"Wait. Throwing what in your face?"
That makes Eddie pause. "Um, what?"
"Eddie," he says slowly, "what do you think I'm annoyed about?"
"That conversation we had about..." Eddie clears his throat awkwardly, his ears taking on a pink tinge, "you know."
"I really, really don't know."
"The last time we were all at yours for dinner, after the boys had gone to bed, we were talking about um—" he clears his throat again as though he's not sure what to do with himself, "about, my feelings for uh, you."
"Your feelings for me?" He says incredulously, pointing at himself to check Eddie's sure that he's talking about Buck.
"Why are you acting like this is new information?" Eddie asks, his voice panicky and rushed.
"Because this is very much new information!" Buck's voice has reached a pitch so high that if he wasn't having a life changing conversation, Buck would be humiliated about it.
Eddie's eyes take on a certain crazed quality, "It is not! We spoke about it last week I'm telling you. We were watching TV and you asked me what I was thinking about for the future and—"
"Oh my god," Buck cuts him off. If Eddie's talking about what Buck thinks he is, then they definitely need to work on Eddie's definition of talking about his feelings for Buck because that is not what happened at all.
Buck remembers sitting on his couch, their legs brushing and shoulders knocking. Theo had fallen asleep hours ago and Chris had retreated not long after, too drained after trying to keep up with the constant buzzing of Theo's energy. He remembers asking Eddie where he saw himself in the future, the mix of beer and sleepiness leaving him loose lipped and philosophical in the late hour. What he doesn't remember is Eddie giving any sort of confession.
What had actually happened was that Eddie's eyes had softened into something intimate as he leaned his weight further into Buck's side, a blush spreading across his face. "I think I've spent a lot of time trying to want what everyone else saw for me, but, I know what I want now. And I'm gonna get it, I will, I just— It's hard for me, it doesn't matter how badly I want something, it doesn't seem like that's enough for me to go for it. But I'll catch up, I need more time but I promise you Buck, I'm gonna get to where you've been."
Buck had assumed, wrongfully apparently, that Eddie was talking about the mess of his past relationships. He'd assumed that this was another one of those times where Eddie wistfully wondered how different things would have been if he hadn't been forced into a marriage he didn't really want or if he hadn't spent the last thirty years of his life punishing himself for a sin he'd never really commited. Being the supportive best friend he is, Buck had reassured Eddie easily. "Of course, Eddie. Take all the time you need."
Eddie had given him a private kind of smile and settled as though Buck's words had taken a weight off of his shoulders.
But there had been no mention of feelings.
"Eddie. I say this as your best friend and someone who cares and respects you deeply. You did not tell me about your feelings in any way, shape or form."
"I did! I was communicating."
"Eddie," Buck whines, "that was not communicating. What you said that night would have to be decoded and translated so many times to find where you mentioned feelings."
"So you just found out about the whole um— feelings thing?"
For lack of better words, he nods his head wildly.
"Right. Great. That is— that is just perfect. Really, really perfect." Eddie sinks back down onto the couch, his shoulders slumped and his head hidden between his hands.
So. Eddie has feelings. For Buck. And if Buck's using any of the common sense he has, these are romantic feelings - the kind of feelings Buck has been yearning for Eddie to reciprocate for years. The stolen glances, the tripping over his words, the sudden distance - it all starts to make sense. Despite the chaos of the conversation and the pitiful state of Eddie on the couch, Buck has kind of just been given everything he could've ever wanted.
Oh.
And Buck, instead of taking what's right in front of him is standing like an idiot with his mouth gaping and Eddie undoubtedly spiralling.
Shit.
"Hold on, don't panic yet."
A muffled, "I don't panic," makes its way through the prison of Eddie's hands.
"Right. I forgot." Buck cautiously takes a seat next to Eddie, carefully pretending he doesn't notice the way Eddie stiffens at the feel of the couch sinking at his side. "Look, just because I'm only figuring it out now, doesn't mean it's a bad thing. I was shocked sure but, it's not bad information. In fact, it's pretty fantastic."
Eddie peeks out from his hands. "It is?"
"God Eds, of course it is. Even if I'm a bit confused at how you thought I'd worked it out from the absolute puzzle you'd given me."
Eddie groans loudly. "I'm a bit of an idiot aren't I? I thought I was being so clever, speaking around it so you could still get the confession you deserved. I didn't want you to think I was clueless to it all, I just wanted time to be ready to get it all right."
"Eddie. There is no world where you could do it wrong."
"I got all in my head about it, like always, thought we needed space so I could figure out how to make sense of it all. I just made things more complicated. Again."
"Eddie, it's—"
"I'm just gonna say it now."
"Woah, what?"
Eddie takes a breath to steel himself, brings his eyes up to meet Buck's. "I'm serious. We've wasted all this time already and if I don't just say it now I'll freak out again and make a whole situation again and you said I can't do it wrong so."
"I thought you needed time? Seriously, you don't have to rush into anything, even if I didn't know what I was saying I meant it, take all the time you need. I can—"
Eddie cuts him off by cupping Buck's face in his hands and pulling him in for a kiss.
Their lips clash in an aggressive meeting, their noses pushing against eachother. It's no more than a press of mouths but it's still better than anything Buck could've ever imagined. Eddie's hands are calloused in all the right places, his fingers gentle as they move to play with the soft curls at the base of his neck. Buck slides his own up to finally grab at the slim curve of Eddie's waist.
Eddie pulls back abruptly resting his forehead against Buck's taking a moment to catch his breath. "I love you."
Buck knows that this is what they've been dancing around the whole time but hearing Eddie say it - hearing the words spill from his lips like he can't help it, devotion and reverence dripping from the syllables - makes things feel real. Less like something Buck has built in his head and more like the start of the rest of his life.
Buck pulls their mouths back together quickly, desperate to learn Eddie in a way he never has before. He catalogues every tightening of Eddie's hands, every hitch of his breath, every way to make Eddie understand how much he feels.
This time Buck pulls back, placing a series of gentle pecks on Eddie's lips as parting. "I love you too."
Eddie's face lights up, a wide smile spreading across his face that brings out the dimple hiding in the corner of his mouth. "Yeah?"
"Yep." He punctuates the word with another kiss. "Even if you can't communicate to save your life."
Eddie groans, hides his head in the junction of Buck's neck and shoulder placing a few gentle kisses there. "We can't tell anyone about that. Especially Chris. He'll try and hit me."
"He knows?"
Eddie hums into his neck. "Told him as soon as I worked it out. Immediately regretted it when he informed me that I've been extremely embarrassing with my supposed heart eyes and he was waiting for me to figure it out."
"Aw sweetheart," Buck coos delighting in the sudden red flush of Eddie's skin, "you had a big fat crush on me."
"Don't look so smug." Eddie takes a moment to pull Buck's head down to place a lingering kiss over the shape of his birthmark that has his heart fluttering. "He also told me that I should just tell you since according to him, you're obsessed with me."
Buck gasps loudly, pressing a hand to his chest. "Lies. I am not obsessed with you."
"Okay Buckley." Eddie scoffs.
"You don't sound like you believe me."
Eddie shrugs playfully.
"You're acting awfully bold for someone panicking two minutes ago."
"Oh my god Buck I was not panicking."
"Right. Just having a minor breakdown on the—"
Eddie cuts him off again sealing their lips together in a slow and soft kiss before pulling away delicately.
"You can't just kiss me every time you disagree with me."
"Can't I?"
"Pretty sure that's how it—"
This time, Eddie cuts him off by tackling Buck to the couch with a force that has the air rushing out of his lungs in a loud huff. Eddie squirms for a moment, clearly trying to get comfortable, before resting his head over Buck's heart and wrapping his arms behind his back with a content sigh and a soft squeeze. "Let's nap. You woke me up when you got here."
Buck can recognise a conversation change when he sees one, but considering his has an armful of Eddie, he's not going to complain. Instead, he places a tender kiss at the top of Eddie's head and drags his hands across the span of Eddie's back in mindless patterns that has him sighing peacefully.
Buck doesn't want to jump to any conclusions, but he's almost certain he's never been happier.