Chapter Text
2006
The winter season always had a special place reserved in my heart, although this isn’t to say that the other three don’t deserve recognition. They’re all equally beautiful and highlight the infinite perfections of the universe in their own unique ways, but winter always had a note of familiarity to it that no other season could fully replicate. I found a certain nostalgic comfort in the idea of it acting as an omnipresent entity throughout my childhood, which continued to grace me with its presence right into adulthood. Ever since I moved away from Vorkuta-5, it became a much less frequent phenomenon than I would have liked, but it continued to leave its mark throughout my life one way or another. With winter being one of the only things left to connect me to my distant past, I hoped that it would continue being part of my life until the very end.
Those were the thoughts going through my mind as I stared thoughtfully out of the office window. I always had a tendency of getting into a melancholic and contemplative mood whenever the winter season rolled around, especially at a time like this. Life at the university quietened down significantly ever since both students and teachers went on their winter break, which gave me a lot more time to think. The primary subject of my thoughts these past couple of days had been Vorkuta-5, especially since the weather outside was very much reminiscent of my childhood home.
I observed the street below as the footpaths, road and cars parked on both sides of the street were being sufficiently buried by the endless torrent of rapidly descending snow. The magical glow of the street lamps contrasting against this violent onslaught made the outside world look strangely peaceful and serene. I observed all of this with awe, feeling eternally grateful to the universe that I could behold such a beautiful scenery. It was a kind of view that I was all too familiar with growing up, and it never fails to evoke a sense of longing in me whenever I’m blessed with an opportunity to witness it.
It wasn’t until I traveled to Leningrad for my entrance exams that I experienced my first real change of scenery. The thing that stood out to me the most in the few weeks that I spent there was just how warm it was... which made me realize that I was too ill-equipped to deal with this kind of weather. Aside from the field trip to the Lenin Library in Moscow, it was my first time traveling outside of Vorkuta-5 for an extended period of time, and in my excitement I neglected to bring any season appropriate clothing. Not that I had a very extensive wardrobe anyway. It was made much worse by the fact that I arrived there in early August, at the tail end of summer. My first time experiencing the warmest of the four seasons was one of constant sweating, panting, and nearly passing out from heat exhaustion on multiple occasions. I’m baffled to this day that I managed to get through all four exams without fainting a single time. All my efforts seemed to have paid off, as a week after my final exam, I read my name on the notice board with the official list of successful applicants. I remember staring at my name in pure disbelief, all the while other applicants were looking over my shoulders to find their own names on the list. The disbelief turned into excitement as I looked for the earliest train that would take me back home. I wanted to share this wonderful news with my parents as soon as possible.
As soon as I stepped into my apartment with my luggage at hand, I was immediately pulled into a hug by my mom who was waiting for me by the front door. She pulled back and asked how it went and if I got accepted. I wasn't expecting her to be waiting right by the entrance, although I did call her from Leningrad to let her know what day I'd be back. Still, even if she knew on what day she could expect my arrival, she couldn't have known the exact time. It made me suspect that she was waiting by that door all day, which is an idea I found cute and endearing... although she probably shouldn’t have bothered wasting such thoughtful gestures on someone like me.
“Asya? What’s wrong? Did something happen? Did the exams not go well?” my mom asked with worry when I hadn't spoken in a while. I was so engrossed in my own thoughts that I never even answered her question, so I scrambled to give her a reassuring answer.
“N-no mom. The exams went okay.” I responded. “Actually, I made it onto the list!” My mom visibly brightened up at that as she gave a sigh of relief.
“I knew you could do it! You were always my smart little lisichka.” she praised me. “I think this calls for a celebration. How about we get some dessert at Zvezdochka?”
I wasn’t too excited about the prospect of going there of all places, but before I could come up with a counter-suggestion, my mom happily announced that she would go tell my father about it, and that we should be ready to leave in about an hour. There was no way I could raise any sort of objection after that, so I reluctantly went along with the plan my mom set out for us. At least I'd get to spend some time with my parents.
By the time we reached our destination, the cafe was already quite crowded. It wasn’t that surprising as evening was fast approaching, and most people were already off from work and school by that time. Despite that, we were able to find a spot for ourselves quite easily. From where we were situated, I could clearly see the area where myself and Marina used to sit. I half expected to see her sitting there, sipping on her coffee, joking with her friends, and enjoying her kartoshka. What I saw there instead was a group of boys from a grade or two below me talking and laughing amongst themselves. One of them noticed me staring at them and I quickly looked away, all of a sudden feeling like a total creep.
I’m not sure why I held on to this naive notion that I would run into Marina there. It didn’t make any sense, given that she moved away from Vorkuta-5 over a year earlier to pursue her own dreams. I stopped going to Zvezdochka after Marina left, as it wasn’t a place I enjoyed going to anymore, especially not alone. We tried keeping in touch regularly over the years, but our calls became less and less frequent with each new milestone in Marina's life.
The first drop in frequency came shortly after meeting her future husband. The second drop came when they eventually got married, while the third drop was marked by the announcement of her pregnancy. The final nail in the coffin came when she gave birth to her child, and our calls had practically stopped after that. She would often either be too busy with something, or our calls would be untimely interrupted by the wailing of her child. At some point, I stopped trying to call her altogether, since I didn’t want to disturb her anymore and cause her unnecessary stress. Now that she had a family of her own, I was of no use to her anymore, and I wasn’t one to overstay my welcome. I was happy that she was able to find someone that was actually worth her time, instead of wasting it on someone as useless as me.
On the day I went to Zvezdochka with my parents, I decided to order Bird’s Milk soufflé again, the very same one I ordered on my first hangout with Marina. I’m not sure what compelled me to order it, since I’ve been meaning to try out the kartoshka Marina recommended to me a long time ago. She was on my mind a lot that day, so perhaps I ordered it to remember what it was like to still have her around. Our orders were delivered to our table a short while later. While we ate our desserts, we chatted amongst ourselves about how cozy this cafe was and how we haven't been there together in a while. The focus of our conversation then shifted towards my upcoming move to Leningrad to begin my studies. It was a pleasant enough distraction, but Marina's absence was still too profound for me to ignore, which made it difficult for me to enjoy my food... and yet I continued munching on the tasteless soufflé while we spoke. Despite how heavily her absence weighed on my heart in that moment, I still enjoyed spending my time here with my parents, and I was most of all grateful for the opportunity to share my hopes, as well as my worries, about moving so far away from home.
Once we finished eating, we made our way towards the exit, and I glanced once more at the spot Marina and I used to occupy. The boys that were sitting there earlier were noticeably absent, and the spot was left completely vacant. The only evidence of it ever being occupied was a single unfinished, but still steaming, cup of coffee.
About a week after my “hangout” with my parents, I was just about ready to leave for Leningrad. We were huddled together at the train station while waiting for the train which would mark the beginning of a new chapter in my life. I found the prospect of moving away exciting as well as terrifying. Not only would it be my first time living outside of Vorkuta-5, but also my first time living alone without my parents. At least I could look forward to fully experiencing all four seasons in all their glory.
As my train began to pull up, I started saying my goodbyes to my parents, which is when my mom enveloped me in a tight hug. Her grip on me was so intense that for a moment I thought I’d get crushed to death before I got a chance to attend my first lecture. The mere memory of it made me feel like I was in her embrace all over again, and I couldn’t help wishing she hadn’t pulled away so soon. If I may be so bold, dying in my mother’s embrace would not have been the worst way to go. To die while being held and comforted by a loved one... no other kind of death could possibly come close to that. There was one other person whose arms I wouldn’t have minded dying in... but... but the chances of that ever happening have been irrevocably lost. I don’t deserve that kind of comfort anyway, especially not after what I did.
Buh... I probably shouldn’t be thinking about death and dying right now. I tried getting my thoughts back on track, as the words my mom spoke to me that day reverberated in my mind.
“I still find it hard to believe that you’re already an adult, but I know you’ll do alright out there. Just try not to forget about us, and remember to call often, okay Asyenka?”
My father on the other hand didn’t say much, but at the same time, conveyed a lot more emotion than what was expected of him. He gave me a slight nod and wished me good luck, all the while a subtle smile graced his usually stoic face.
I smiled at the memory of it. Even if my father’s goodbye was a bit reserved, I still appreciated the sentiment all the same, as it must have taken him a lot of willpower to say even that much. Both of my parents always had their own unique ways of expressing their love and support for me, and that was alright with me.
My thought process was interrupted and I was brought back to reality when I caught something moving into my field of vision. I diverted my attention towards the source of this movement, which turned out to be a man trudging through the snowy footpath, all the while attempting to tuck as much of his face into the collar of his coat as possible. Most of the faculty would have left by now, which is why I haven’t been seeing much activity outside aside from the occasional car carefully driving along. I didn’t expect to see anyone else on the street tonight, so I was surprised to see someone brave enough to venture out in these conditions, especially considering that it was a Friday afternoon in late January. Well, in the winter it might as well be called evening, since the sky was already pitch black by 17:00. A classic symptom of the winter season. I didn’t immediately realize how dark it got outside, since I usually keep my desk lamp on while working, even during the day.
With my little daydreaming session interrupted, I instinctively lifted my left arm from the windowsill and pulled up my sleeve to check the time. I had to do a double take because according to my wristwatch, it was already 17:57. I briefly took my half-moon glasses off to thoroughly wipe them just to make sure that I was seeing correctly. It didn’t seem to make much of a difference however, because the watch read 17:58 by the time I put them back on. I began thinking that it might be malfunctioning because the second hand seemed to hang for a little too long, but then it started moving again and counting away the seconds the same way as it did before.
So it wasn’t malfunctioning after all, and yet I found it difficult to believe that I’ve been standing here and daydreaming for close to an hour. When I decided to take a short break from my work to admire the view outside, it was only 17:10. It was very strange. When I was out doing other work related tasks throughout the day, time seemed to slow to a crawl, but as soon as I entered my office, it was as though it had been fast-forwarded tenfold. It didn’t matter if I was working or daydreaming, since time always seemed to behave differently here. Ah... time works in such amazing and peculiar ways, and it’s one of the many things that I came to love about this wonderful and unpredictable universe.
I turned around and rested my elbows on the windowsill behind me. I gazed from a short distance at the mountain of exam papers currently occupying my desk. Even though students were already away on their break, the winter exams concluded only a couple of days earlier. I wasn’t all that surprised when I entered my cramped little office at around 16:00 only to be met with a stack of papers patiently awaiting my arrival. What I did find surprising however was the sheer size of this stack. Last time I checked, there were only twenty-two students registered in my literature class, but to the naked eye it was clear that there were at least twice as many papers as I had students. Further investigation proved that I was right in my suspicions as I ended up with a final count of sixty papers on my desk. As I was flipping through them, I recognized the names of some of the students that were in the other literature classes taught by Ivan and Vlad. It looked like their papers got mixed up in mine again. This wouldn’t be the first time, as it happened a couple of times already in the three years that I’ve been working here. It’s not like I really minded it that much anyway. I was more than happy to help out, even if I could sense a hint of impatience in Vlad’s voice whenever he asked me about how the grading was going. I never took that to heart since I know how demanding our jobs can be at times, and that would put almost anyone on edge.
It was time to get back to work, so I stepped away from the window and sat back down at my desk. I got myself settled in my chair as I looked at the large ungraded pile to my right. I still found the size of it intimidating, but I didn’t let that discourage me... until I diverted my gaze to the left and looked at the pitifully tiny pile of graded papers. Buh... I’ve been sitting at this desk for over an hour, and it feels like I barely got anything done in that time. At this rate, I’d be lucky to even get through a fifth of the ungraded pile by midnight. I really need to get it together and start focusing if I want to make any meaningful progress tonight.
I sighed as I grabbed the next exam paper from the top of the ungraded pile. I read the name and recognized it as one of Ivan’s students, and as I began the grading process, I couldn’t help but wonder why my colleagues’ papers kept getting mixed up in mine and sent to my office. It happened on three separate occasions already, so I guess this is the fourth time. Surely this wasn’t being done on purpose, right? I never liked accusing anyone of anything, but this has happened enough times for me to believe that it wasn’t a coincidence. They somehow always knew I had their papers, otherwise they wouldn’t have assumed that I was the one grading them. They hang out fairly regularly, so they may have confirmed beforehand that they hadn’t taken each other’s papers. Through the process of elimination, they would have eventually figured out that I was the one in possession of them.
But if all of this was unintentional, why wouldn’t they simply ask me to return them straight away? Why would they insist on getting them back graded instead? Maybe they were embarrassed, and didn’t want to admit that a mistake was made as the papers were being collected. Perhaps from their point of view, it was a lot more convenient to pretend that everything went as planned to save themselves from further stress and embarrassment. If that was indeed the case, then it’s perfectly understandable, and I’d be happy to continue playing along to save them some trouble. After all, they’ve been working for much longer and much harder than I have, so they deserve to have at least some of that pressure taken off of their backs.
I found this theory comforting as it avoided accusing anyone of being actively malicious. I really wanted to believe in this theory and accept it as fact, but my heart was telling me that it wasn’t just a silly little mistake that my colleagues were too embarrassed to admit to. My heart was telling me that this was closer to being a deliberate and premeditated act rather than an accident. Ah... I probably shouldn’t say ‘premeditated’ as it implies that they committed some unforgivable crime, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. Even if all of this was done on purpose, I’m sure they had valid reasons for it. I just had to figure out what they were.
So if this is deliberate, what reasons could they have to do this? Maybe it’s some sort of test? I am the youngest one to teach literature at the university after all. Both of my colleagues are between ten and fifteen years older than me, and have been teaching here for over a decade. Being a university professor can be quite challenging, so maybe they wanted to make sure that I’m up to the task? That I can handle working under pressure gracefully and do my job properly? Then I hope I passed all their tests with flying colours. Although, if I did truly pass them, why were there multiple tests? Wouldn’t one test be enough to prove that I can handle it? Oh no... maybe I didn’t pass any of their tests at all! Maybe they keep testing me until I get it right, but I keep failing miserably to meet their criteria over and over again. Could this be the final straw? If I fail one more time, will they deem me not worthy enough to teach? No, that can’t be. I know that I’ve always been a spoiled greedy brat, and that attitude unfortunately hasn’t changed much in my adult years, but even this is too much! I know that I don’t deserve to ask for anything from you, but I beg you not to take this away from me. I beg you I be-
My thoughts suddenly stopped in their tracks and my heart sank as the realization hit me. This wasn’t a test. This was never a test. Occam’s razor stipulates that the simplest explanation is usually the correct one, and that explanation has been staring me right in the face this entire time. What is the one thing that both of my colleagues have that I don’t? What’s the one thing that many people have by the time they reach my age?
A family.
It makes so much sense, and I scolded myself for not realizing this sooner. Both of them have a wife and kids. They both have to drop their kids off at school in the morning and leave the campus early to pick them up. Whatever free time they get has to be spent taking care of their families, which includes bonding with their kids, spending time with their partners, running various family related errands, and making sure that everyone is happy and in good health. Maintaining a balance between doing university work at home and giving enough attention to their families must be a very stressful undertaking. Not only would it be detrimental to themselves, but also to their family members.
Meanwhile, I have neither family nor friends depending on me in any way. My parents are the only family I have left, since all of my grandparents became one with the universe a long time ago. I only get to visit them a few times a year, but I still feel that I depend way too much on them, so I doubt they could depend on me for anything. They’ve already given me so much and I have yet to pay them back fully, although I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to. That’s so typical of you Asya. All you do is take with your greedy little hands and give nothing back. You’re so arrogant and greedy. You should really be ashamed of yourself and show a little more gratitude for all that you have.
Ultimately, the only people I have any sort of responsibility over are my students, and this responsibility doesn’t even extend beyond anything academic. I teach them the course material, answer any questions they may have as best as I can, and grade their assignments. They don’t expect me to take care of them, or to feed them, or be there for them at their time of need. Nobody looks to me for any material or emotional support, and it’s not like I’m qualified to give this kind of support anyway, so I’d be very surprised if anyone asked for life advice from a lonely weirdo like me.
So unlike me, my colleagues have people depending on them every day and looking to them for guidance. It’s an incredible responsibility that they must uphold every single day, so being under any amount of stress would inevitably trickle down to everyone else. The more I think about it, the more it seems to make sense to me. They must know by now that I’m all alone and that I have no partner or children waiting for me at home. It’s more practical to offload this work onto me, since a loner such as myself has a lot more free time to spare compared to them. It makes perfect sense from a utilitarian perspective, given that nobody depends on me, so the only person that would be directly affected by my stress would be myself. It’s a simple solution which aims to minimize the number of people that would become stressed or unhappy as a result.
I suddenly felt an immense amount of guilt and shame for ever suspecting my colleagues of any wrongdoing. How could I be so ignorant as to think that they did it for anything other than noble reasons? How could I be so selfish as to try and deny them this respite, and take away their precious time with their families? Their demeanour may have been rough at times, but now I’m certain that it was never anything personal. It’s probably from all the stress of trying to maintain this very delicate balance, a balance that I’ve been threatening to disrupt just now. They’d probably never admit any of this to me willingly, but I could never force them to admit to something so personal. Maybe the best solution would be to approach them myself during the next exam season, and offer to take that burden off of their backs entirely. Yeah... that would probably ease many of their worries away, and they wouldn’t feel the need to justify themselves, so that’s exactly what I’ll do next time.
Feeling satisfied that I more or less figured out the mystery of the misplaced papers, I felt more determined than ever to finish grading as many of them tonight as possible. This time it wasn’t just for the sake of the students however, but also for the sake of my colleagues, and by extension their families. Everything happens for a reason and everything has its underlying patterns. The pattern of my colleagues' papers consistently getting misplaced in my office is one I should have recognized a long time ago. It seems so obvious in hindsight that it was the universe itself that set me off on this path. How did I not connect the dots sooner? How come it took me until the fourth time to notice it? Perhaps I’m getting old and my mind isn’t as sharp as it used to be, the implications of which scared me just a little bit. Nevertheless, I was able to recognize it in the end, and that’s all that mattered to me. After all, patterns can only be a good thing, as they’re proof that the universe is in a healthy and balanced state, free from any disruptions that would threaten its equilibrium. Once a pattern is firmly established, going against it would be akin to a sin. If I were to stray from this path that was set out for me, then it could lead to dire consequences, no matter how trivial it all may seem. I might cause a bend, or a distortion, which is not something I wanted to happen... especially considering what happened the last couple of times I deviated too much from my predetermined path.
Still, I’m honoured to even be allowed to have these moments of recognition at all. It always fills me with such a profound love and appreciation for the infinite complexity of the universe. I hope I don’t sound arrogant when I say this, but it makes me feel like I’m being let in on a secret that many people aren’t privy to. I wondered for a long time why I of all people have this sort of awareness, and if there are other people like me out there. I’ve spent my whole life trying to find anyone who thinks like me, but I’ve so far been unsuccessful. Maybe it would go against the will of the universe, because if everyone were aware of these patterns, wouldn’t that lead to chaos and entropy, which is the antithesis to balance and equilibrium in the universe? That could very well be the case, and it would explain the lack of success in my search.
Even though I know it may go against your will, I still wish I could share these fascinations of mine with other people, with someone who might understand me, or at least try to. Over the years, I tried sharing these thoughts and feelings with many different people who would either brush me off in some way or scoff at me, as if I had lost it. There used to be people who were willing to listen, a long time ago. People who were willing to at least tolerate my incoherent ramblings, even if they never fully understood me, although not for a lack of trying. Tolerance is the least I could ever hope for, and for me that’s already more than enough, even if it’s way more than what a spoiled brat like me ever deserved.
If only I could talk to them, to her, just one last ti-
No. Stop. That ship has sailed a long time ago already. All these years living on this ancient planet, and I still haven’t fully learned to appreciate what I already have, to not be so greedy and wanting. I guess thirty-four years on this beautiful ball of blue and green were simply not enough to teach someone as thick-headed as me this lesson. I knew that my time with them would be cut short, because it was all too unnatural, and too convenient. It only made sense that you’d nip this anomaly in the bud sooner rather than later. I only wish I knew just how soon it would all come to an end, or I would have tried to make the most out of that brief window of time where I had the closest thing to a ‘friend’. Someone I could talk to candidly, someone I could hug, someone I could share my passions with as well as my fears.
Someone I could lo-
Ah... there I go complaining again. How many more times does this lesson need to be taught to me? Perhaps it will elude me for the rest of my life... till the moment you bring me back into your fold.
Buh... I’m constantly falling into a deep contemplation and getting distracted. This trip down memory lane was not helping me focus on my work either. Any attempt at clearing my mind from all of these distracting thoughts ended with failure. My head was simply too much of a mess at that moment. I tried getting back into reading the paper in front of me, which is the moment I realized just how much I’ve been straining my eyes without blinking. I briefly took my glasses off to give my eyes a good rub, but it did very little in making the text any easier to read. Trying to comprehend individual words, let alone entire sentences, felt like fighting an uphill battle. This continued on for a couple more minutes before I eventually gave up and leaned back into my chair with a sigh. One final look at my watch told me that it was now 21:08.
The exhaustion hit me all at once when I realized that I’ve been cooped up in my office for a little over five hours now. This impromptu flash flood of difficult memories really did a number on me, as I felt the first telltale signs of an incoming headache. I compared the two piles of papers on my desk, and I realized that the graded pile had barely increased in height over the last few hours. I wouldn’t be able to get anything else done tonight anyway, so I’d have to continue my work over the weekend. It’s not like I ever have any weekend plans anyway, so it’s a sacrifice I was comfortable making. I think.
I looked out the window once more and saw that the snow had picked up in intensity since I last checked. It now looked like a full blown blizzard outside, and I frowned when I realized that I’d have to walk back to my apartment in these conditions. It’s probably nothing that I wouldn’t be able to handle anyway. After all, I’ve had to endure much worse weather conditions when I walked to school as a little girl.
I sighed again as I put the graded and ungraded piles into separate drawers in my desk. I turned off the lamp, fully expecting to be engulfed in darkness, but instead I looked in awe as the moonlight filtering through the window shined its rays directly at the door, as if to guide me on where I should go next. I forgot it was meant to be a full moon tonight. I grabbed my coat from the rack, alongside my scarf and woolly hat. I promptly got myself dressed in preparation for the blizzard outside and walked out into the corridor. I made sure to gently close the door behind me to avoid disturbing the peace. Once I locked the door and put my noisily jangling keys back into my pocket, the corridor fell into a deathly silence. It was so silent that I could hear my own heartbeat in my ears, which I found slightly unnerving. I looked down both sides of the corridor, and once I was sure that nobody was around, I turned right and began my trek towards the main exit.
The only thing disturbing the silence now was the sound of my sneakers tapping against the floor as I walked. I almost never stay this late at the university, so I wasn’t used to seeing it this quiet, dark and deserted. I reached the end of the hallway and turned the corner to the right, which brought me into another corridor. Despite the ceiling lights being turned off, this part of the hallway was just as brightly illuminated as my office, as moonbeams striped the floor through the windows on the right hand side wall. The left hand side wall was made up entirely of classroom doors. As I walked down the corridor, I looked through the glass pane of each door and saw nothing but darkness. There was no point in me doing this, but I suppose it was a force of habit. Whenever I walk these corridors, I usually see a teacher giving a lecture or leading a practical session. Of course, now that it was the dead of night, there were neither teachers giving lectures nor students attending them. And yet, I continued looking through each door that I passed, not sure of what or who I was exactly hoping to find.
As I walked past the final set of doors, I could see in front of me the staircase leading down into the main lobby. Once I climbed down to the bottom of the steps, I looked around the spacious and dark lobby, and found not a single soul in my direct line of sight. I wasn’t standing in complete darkness however, as the moonlight helped illuminate the area at least to a small degree. The chatty receptionist who usually sat at her desk was unsurprisingly absent. Another thing that was noticeably absent was the constant stream of people entering and leaving through the revolving glass door. I looked through the floor-to-ceiling windows to assess the situation outside, and confirmed that the blizzard showed no sign of letting up. It only occurred to me at that moment that the door was most likely not functional at this hour. I tried it anyway, and just as I expected, it refused to budge.
Thankfully, there was a handicapped door right next to it, which was a relatively recent addition to the building. I gripped the handle and pushed forward, fully expecting the door to give way, but instead I was met with a stark resistance. Right... silly Asya strikes again. There was no good reason for this door to be unlocked either. After all, no reasonable person has any business being here so late, especially since everyone was already away on their holidays. I heaved a deep sigh in resignation, as I slowly accepted that I’d have to spend the night here. The doors should be unlocked tomorrow morning.
I felt my heart sink as a scary realization hit me. Today was Friday, which presumably meant that nobody would be working here tomorrow morning. Would nobody come to unlock the doors? Would nobody come to check if someone stupidly got themselves locked in? I felt my heart begin to race as I realized that I’d have to stay here until Monday morning, and I began planning a survival strategy. The water situation wouldn’t be too difficult to deal with, since I could just drink tap water in the communal kitchen of the teacher’s area. I was much more concerned about the food. Even though the building had vending machines, they were few and far between, and I didn’t have that many coins on me anyway. Even if I did, I didn’t think I could subsist on just chocolate bars for an entire weekend. My fellow teachers usually leave some food in the fridge in our communal kitchen, but I didn’t want to resort to stealing. They probably cleaned out the fridge before going away on their break anyway. There was also the cafeteria, but on top of stealing their food, I’d have to resort to breaking and entering. Committing crimes was the absolute last thing on my mind, so that option also went out the window. In a desperate last measure, I mashed the push-to-open button for the handicapped door several times, hoping that it would magically open, but to no avail.
My breathing quickened and my headache exploded in intensity, as I fully grasped the gravity of the situation I was in. I closed my eyes as I tried to get my breathing back under control. Thinking about the things I cherish the most always helps me put my mind at ease. I started by thinking about the infinite beauty of the universe and how grateful I am to be part of it. Then I thought about the books I read, the poetry I occasionally write, and the students I teach. I thought about some of the most precious moments of my life. I thought about the day I got my first job after graduating, about the day of my graduation itself, and about how excited and proud my mom was when I told her I passed the entrance exams. I shifted my thoughts towards my family and all the friends I used to have. I thought about my late grandparents and how much I miss them, about my elderly parents who I’m going to miss once they’re gone, and about my group mates from my college days. Finally, I thought about the people who proved to me that I’m capable of making friends at all. I thought about my classmate Masha, who did a lot to help me adjust to university life. I thought about Marina, my first real friend who I’ve regrettably not kept in touch with over the last decade. At last, I thought about the one person I had the most regrets about, the person who stood up for me the way no one else ever did, the person I was a horrible friend to and who I never deserved. I thought about I-
“Hey!” shouted someone with a sharp and commanding tone from a distance behind me.
My eyes shot wide open and my breathing hitched as my thought process was interrupted by this unexpected break in silence. I turned around sharply in the direction of the voice, and I became blinded by the beam of a flashlight held by whoever was approaching me. I couldn’t make out their features clearly because of the glare, but judging by the sharpness of their tone, I assumed it was a security guard.
“I swear! What is it with you kids? This is the third time I’m finding one of you loitering here! Don’t you have better things to do?” said the guard in frustration, while the sound of boots stomping against the linoleum flooring echoed in my ears.
As I began to calm down, relieved that someone found me after all, I noticed that the voice belonged to a woman. It had a slightly rough edge to it, as if it were caused by a lifetime of smoking, but I still thought it was a pleasant voice nonetheless. Having met many smokers throughout my life, it’s something that I came to recognize very easily. The voice also sounded... somewhat... familiar? That couldn’t be right. I thought the university only had day shift guards, so I wasn’t even aware that we had any night shift guards until now. Given that, it was highly unlikely for me to have met this person before, and yet I couldn’t shake the thought that I recognized the voice from somewhere. Buh... I was still hypersensitive from the initial panic and subsequent relief, so it was probably just a figment of my imagination.
“Didn’t you hear my question?” she demanded.
“Huh?” I was so distracted by my own thoughts that I hadn’t even noticed that she was already right in front of me. She was pointing the flashlight directly at my face in an interrogative manner as I squinted against the brightness.
“I was asking what you’re doing here so late. Are you here just for the thrill of it? Maybe you’re here to pull some prank, or looking to steal something?” she suggested with an accusatory tone.
“NO!” I shouted indignantly when she dropped the stealing accusation on me, worried that she had somehow been reading my mind. Before the guard could scold me for my little outburst, I quickly regained my composure and spoke again, but this time with a much calmer tone of voice.
“S-sorry. I mean, no. I’m not here to cause trouble. I was just doing some work in my office and I lost track of time.”
“Oh, so you’re a teacher here?” she asked with a note of mild surprise.
“Y-yes.” I confirmed, hoping that she would believe me. Even though I was telling the truth, everything I said felt like a lie, especially under her scrutinizing gaze.
“Hmm yeah, now that I’m getting a closer look at you, you don’t really look like a student.” she concluded after briefly inspecting me from top to bottom. “Well, either way, you’re not supposed to be here after closing.” she said with a much calmer, but still slightly firm tone of voice.
“I know... and I’m very sorry! I didn’t mean to cause trouble...”
“Relax, it’s fine. Just try not to let it happen again in the future, okay?”
“I’ll keep that in mind. Thank you.”
“Anyway, I guess there’s no point keeping you in here. I’ll open up the door so that you can get going.”
She diverted the flashlight away from my face and made her way towards the handicapped door. I was still seeing spots in my vision, but after blinking a couple of times, I was able to discern the outline of a person. It was a woman with long hair, and I confirmed that it was a security guard when I could vaguely make out a uniform, although it was still too dark for me to identify most of her features. She reached into the back pocket of her trousers and pulled out a set of keys. I could hear them jangling as she fiddled with them to find the right one. Once she found the one she was looking for, she inserted it into the keyhole, but before turning it, she hesitated and looked out the front windows. She examined the situation outside for a couple of seconds before turning around to face me, leaving her key set dangling from the keyhole.
“Listen... do you live far from here?” she asked with some hesitation, with her hands placed firmly on her hips. Right, I completely forgot that I’d still have to walk home in this weather, which seemed to be a lot worse now compared to just half an hour ago.
“It’s not too far. It usually takes me around twenty minutes to get home.” I replied. Despite the horrible weather, I still didn’t think it was that big of a deal, but even in the darkness I could see a frown beginning to form on her face.
“Hmm and I don’t suppose you own a car...” she asked seemingly rhetorically, but I felt the need to answer anyway.
“Ah... no. I never even learned to drive.” The guard maintained her analytical gaze on me for a couple more seconds before facing the door once again. After a moment of deliberation, instead of twisting the key to unlock the door, she pulled it back out and put the keys back into her pocket. I was utterly confused by this. Was she not going to let me out? Could she have changed her mind about letting me off the hook? I was technically trespassing after all, so maybe she wanted to call the police on me. I shuddered in fear at the thought. She turned back to face me again, but this time she kept her flashlight pointing downwards to avoid blinding me.
“Tell you what. I don’t feel like kicking you out into whatever the hell is going on outside. It’s been a while since it last got this bad, so just this once, I’ll let you stay inside.” she relented. “But I’ll still need to keep my eye on you, so don’t go running off doing your own thing, okay?”
I was relieved that she didn’t actually want to call the police on me, but I didn’t want to continue being an intruder either. “Ah... no... I really shouldn’t stay. I don’t want to get you into any trouble. It’s really not that bad. I can manage!” I tried to convince her, but I don’t think she believed me because she gave an amused snort in response. I don’t blame her for it. I probably wouldn’t believe me either.
“No offence to you, but you’d get devoured by that blizzard before you even got a chance to leave the courtyard. I’d hate to finish my shift in the morning only to find you turned into a frozen statue.” she said with amusement.
I blushed ever so slightly at the comment. As much as I hated being a thorn in her side, I had to admit that she was probably right. Staying here and waiting for the storm to blow over was the best option at my disposal, so I reluctantly accepted her offer.
“Okay... I suppose I could wait until morning.” I said hesitantly. “But where should I stay in the meantime?”
“There is a place. Come with me.” she said, and without waiting for a response, she began walking towards the receptionist’s desk while I followed her closely.
She went behind the desk and opened the door labelled SECURITY. I heard the flick of a switch and light seeped out of the room, which led to a portion of the lobby being illuminated. I followed her into the room and made sure to close the door behind me before taking in my new surroundings. It was a small security room with walls painted dark blue. The source of the light turned out to be an exposed lightbulb hanging from the ceiling. I spotted a desk on the wall opposite the door and a set of security monitors, both of which took up most of the width of the wall. A trash can was shoved into the far left corner which appeared to be filled with various food wrappers, empty cans, and some pieces of paper. It was flanked by the desk as well as a dark green couch which took up the remaining width of the left hand side wall. Directly opposite the couch was a medium sized LCD TV, and it appeared to be broadcasting some police drama which I did not immediately recognize.
Overall, this little room had a cozy vibe to it, and I felt a lot more at ease being in here. Feeling satisfied that I made a thorough enough analysis of the room, I set my eyes on the person that had led me here in the first place. With the light turned on, I could make out many more of her features than before, with her uniform consisting of a long-sleeved grey shirt and a pair of black pants. I couldn’t see her face as she had her back turned to me, but I could see that she had long black hair with some grey strands added to the mix. She was analyzing the wall of monitors with her hands placed back on her hips, presumably to make sure that no other stragglers were hanging around the building. While she was diligently performing her duty, she acknowledged my presence in the room for the first time.
“It’ll be nice to have some company for a change. It can get a bit boring here, even with a whole ass TV to myself.”
“O-oh I’m sure we can find something else to do umm...” I began confidently, but my voice trailed off as I struggled to remember her name... which is when I realized, to my utter horror, that I never even asked for it.
I was equally horrified by the fact that I hadn’t even introduced myself yet. This person was kind enough to not only let me off the hook, but to also let me stay in her little office for the duration of her shift. How could I have forgotten about such basic formalities!? How incredibly rude of me to not know the name of the person who bestowed upon me this undeserved kindness. I must remedy this situation immediately!
“Ah... I know I should have asked you earlier, but what’s your na-” I started, but my voice got stuck in my throat as the nameless security guard turned to face me, and I was able to see her face clearly for the first time. My jaw hung open as I stared in disbelief into the eyes of the one person I thought I had lost forever.
No... this simply couldn’t be possible. How could it be possible? The universe made it clear all those years ago that it was never meant to be... that she was sent away for a reason... and yet here she was. I looked for anything in that face that could prove me wrong... that this wasn’t who I thought it was... but the more I analyzed every aspect of the person standing before me, the more difficult it became for me to deny reality. She changed quite a bit over the years, but I still had every contour of her face etched into my brain, as I wanted to keep her memory alive even if she wasn’t around anymore. It made it a lot easier to recognize her despite not seeing her for over two decades. Although her hair was now greying in some places and she had heavy bags under her eyes that weren’t there before, there was no mistaking those fierce green eyes and that bemused expression on her face for anybody else’s. Even her hairstyle was almost the exact same one she wore back then, minus the braiding which now rested over her left shoulder.
Most of all... she was just as beautiful as I remembered.