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It was a slow day at the Agency. Everyone found themselves sitting around at their desks with nothing to do. So when Dazai pushed his chair out and said he was going down to Uzumaki, the rest of the detectives decided to join him.
“Welcome in,” Belladonna said cheerfully.
Dazai and Kunikida sat at the bar while the other four slid into one of the booths. Jun’ichirō sat beside Atsushi while Ranpo sat next to Yosano. They all chatted idly as Belladonna served their drinks and their conversations died down quickly after.
The atmosphere was lazily relaxed. No one felt like doing much of anything, not even talking. It had been a rough couple of days and they were all happy to just be able to do nothing for once.
Atsushi was probably the happiest out of anyone. He did love the work he did in the Detective Agency but he felt as if he was always just barely scraping by. All of his colleagues were vastly more experienced than him and it quite often showed. He knew there was nothing wrong with needing help and teamwork was important, but he hated feeling like a burden to them all, or that he was just dragging them all down.
Atsushi’s entire existence felt like a joke amidst the presence of the rest of the Agency, but since there was nothing going on today, and no need to prove himself, he was just happy that he wouldn’t be standing out amongst them all for once.
“Atsushi, you’re not a virgin, are you?” Ranpo asked.
Atsushi blinked. The café seemed to fall more silent than it already was somehow.
“Excuse me?” he asked.
“Are you a virgin?” Ranpo said again.
Atsushi blinked again, not knowing how to respond. Ranpo asked him like it was nothing— Like it was a casual question— It definitely was not!
Atsushi glanced around at the other Agency members, silently asking for help. Dazai was staring off into space. Kunikida was writing something in his notebook. Yosano had her head against the table like she was sleeping, and Jun’ichirō seemed to be falling asleep too beside Atsushi. His head bobbed slightly, like it might tumble over and collide with the table any minute, leaving him and Yosano in matching sleeping positions.
Atsushi began to sweat as he realized that no one had noticed what Ranpo had said. Ranpo just sipped on his straw as he waited for an answer.
“Um—” Atsushi cut himself off, exaggerating a few coughs in the hopes of getting someone’s attention.
Jun’ichirō leaned back into his seat as he opened his eyes. He glanced down at Atsushi and saw the flustered expression on his face. He looked at him quizzically, silently asking what had happened and why he looked so shaken up. Atsushi lamented as he concluded that no one had indeed heard Ranpo’s crazy question.
“Are you gonna answer or not?” Ranpo asked, sounding bored.
“Uh, what exactly did you ask Atsushi, Ranpo?” Jun’ichirō tilted his head.
Atsushi sighed. Finally, someone was coming to his rescue.
“If he was a virgin or not,” Ranpo said, just as casually as before.
“Ah. Right,” Jun’ichirō nodded, slightly taken aback. He had a pained expression, almost sympathetic to Atsushi's situation. “Ranpo, you really shouldn’t ask people such personal questions. And plus, couldn’t you just use your Ultra Deduction to find out anyway?”
Why would he say that? Atsushi frowned to himself.
“You don’t need Ultra Deduction to know that Atsushi’s a virgin,” Yosano says, lifting her head up from off the table.
“Yosano!” Jun’ichirō’s eyes widen at her comment.
“What?” She points at Atsushi, “He’s got virgin written all over him. It’s obvious.”
“It is obvious, I fear. I just wanted to know what he would say,” Ranpo says, returning to drink his juice.
“...Oh,” Atsushi looks down, embarrassed.
“Well, it’s okay, Atsushi,” Jun’ichirō places a comforting hand on his shoulder. “There’s nothing wrong with being a virgin.”
“You’re only saying that because you’re a virgin too,” Yosano says.
“I’d argue he’s not.” Dazai suddenly slides in next to Ranpo, and scooches him aside, causing Ranpo’s shoulder to brush against Yosano’s as she's pushed into the wall.
“I’d bet that Jun’ichirō’s done it at least a few times,” Dazai says, looking ever confident.
Yosano shakes her head with a roll of her eyes, “How would he ever be able to get a girl with Naomi always hanging off his arm?”
“Well, he and Naomi both attended their own classes and had their own circles of friends. With Naomi still being in school now, and with Jun’ichirō being able to work full time at the Agency, I’m sure he could find the time to be with a woman if he really wanted to.” Dazai shoots Jun’ichirō a suggestive look. “Isn't that right?”
Jun’ichirō looks away, feeling slightly uncomfortable.
“Naomi’s like an overbearing girlfriend. I’m sure she’d find out if he was sleeping with anyone,” Yosano spoke over Ranpo as she looked at Dazai.
“Men are very good at hiding their secrets, Yosano,” Dazai smiled.
“Maybe you, but Jun’ichirō’s just a kid. He doesn’t know how to hide anything,” she countered.
“His ability is literally creating a fabricated reality,” Dazai raised an eyebrow at her.
The two continued to go back and forth on whether or not Jun’ichirō was a virgin or not. Atsushi couldn’t help but glance between them as they debated, and he felt guilty as he found himself getting lost in the argument, going over the different points they were making in his head and trying to decide for himself what the truth was.
He also couldn’t lie that he was grateful that the focus was no longer on him. And he hoped that Jun’ichirō was a virgin so that he wouldn’t be left out amongst them somehow yet again. He glanced at Jun’ichirō and his expression was extremely telling. He wanted to be anywhere but here.
How long can they go on about this for? Jun’ichirō thought.
“What are you two talking so loudly about?” Kunikida asked, slamming his notebook shut and turning around in his stool.
“If Jun’ichirō’s a virgin or not,” Dazai said, casually.
“We already know Atsushi is,” Yosano added.
Ouch.
“Everyone knows Atsushi is,” Dazai laughed lightly.
Ouch, ouch.
“No offence, Atsushi,” Dazai smiled at him. It felt condescending.
Kunikida walked over to the booth and Atsushi and Jun’ichirō moved over as he sat beside them. He stared into Dazai with the same lack of amusement that he always does.
“Whether Jun’ichirō is a virgin or not does not concern you, Dazai,” he said sternly.
Kunikida to the rescue, Atsushi and Jun’ichirō both thought.
“Stop meddling in people’s lives,” he shook his head.
“What?” Dazai threw his hands up in mock defence, “I don’t meddle.”
Kunikda’s brow furrowed, “All you do is meddle!” He flipped through his notebook. “Do you know how many times you forced me to alter my schedule yesterday?” his voice raised as he reached over the table to strangle Dazai. “Fourteen! Fourteen times, Dazai! I’m never gonna get that wasted time back! How do you suppose I—”
“Do you think Kunikda’s a virgin?” Yosano asked, cutting off Kunikida’s screaming.
He halted in his strangulation of Dazai as they both looked back at her.
“Yosano…” Kunikida said, surprised. He assumed that Dazai was the only one entertaining this conversation.
“Hmm,” Dazai hummed in thought. He looked over Kunikida’s face. Kunikida glanced back to look at him and frowned. “... Yeah, total virgin.”
Kunikida’s grip on his collar tightened as he fumed.
“Or wait— No. He’s actually not a virgin.”
“Huh?” Kunikida’s temper simmered down at Dazai’s words.
“Yeah, I remember setting him up once with this beautiful dark haired woman, and he called me the next morning, screaming, saying that he had woken up in somebody else’s bed,” Dazai said to Yosano.
Kunikida’s tight grip on his collar returned along with his angry expression. Dazai turned back to face him, “Do you not remember that, Kunikida? That night I took you out to the Red Light District?” Kunikida just seemed to get angrier the more Dazai talked. “We went to a few bars and I hooked you up with that woman, remember?” Dazai had a stupid smile on his face.
“Yes, I remember! You got me blackout drunk and I didn’t know where I was when I woke up the next morning!”
Dazai laughed as he choked him.
“Well just because he woke up in that woman’s bed—” They both looked over at Yosano— “doesn’t mean that he slept with her.”
“Oh no, he definitely slept with her,” Dazai grinned.
“Dazai!—”
“Is it time for me to reveal the truth?” Ranpo asked with a yawn. “This conversation’s getting rather boring.”
Kunikida grumbled before throwing Dazai back into his seat and plopping down on his own.
“Are you a virgin, Ranpo?” Atsushi asked, feeling a rare moment of bravery.
Ranpo’s eyes widened ever so slightly. He, Dazai, and Yosano all shared knowing glances with each other. A speck of silence passed, and then the three of them burst out laughing. Kunikida, Atsushi, and Jun’ichirō just watched, feeling confused and left out of the joke.
Dazai slammed his hand repeatedly against the table. Ranpo threw his head back as he laughed even harder. Yosano wiped tears from her eyes as she tried to regain her breath.
Atsushi frowned faintly, feeling stupid for saying anything at all. All their giggling settled as Ranpo began clearing his throat.
“Okay,” he sighed. He took out his glasses and everyone straightened up, watching attentively as he pulled them slowly on.
He was silent as he glanced between Kunikida and Jun’ichirō, dawning a focused expression. His eyes stopped right in the middle of them though, landing on Atsushi. He jolted in his seat a little, once again feeling that same nervousness from earlier, when Ranpo had asked him about his virginity in the first place, causing this whole fiasco that they’re in now.
“So first off… Atsushi actually isn’t a virgin.”
“He’s not?” The four others asked— confused— leaning into the table further.
Ouch, ouch, ouch.
Atsushi couldn't even hide his pained expression.
“No, I’m just kidding,” Ranpo said, casually leaning back.
Dazai and Yosano erupted into laughter again while Kunikida just sighed and checked his notebook. Jun’ichirō looked at Atsushi almost apologetically. Probably for being so surprised when Ranpo said he wasn’t a virgin just two seconds ago.
Atsushi wanted to fade out of existence. He was so embarrassed.
Ranpo snickers, “Okay, okay,” he points, “Kunikida is, in fact…” He holds for dramatic effect.
“Uh huh, uh huh,” Dazai’s on the edge of his seat.
“Not a virgin!” Ranpo says.
“Whoop! Whoop!” Dazai cheers and pumps his fist up.
Ranpo twirls his hat around in enthusiasm.
“Would you quit that?” Kunikida yells.
“You lost it in your early years as a student, and you regret the way that it happened but not the fact that it happened in general,” Ranpo explains.
“Ooh, Kunikida. So scandalous,” Dazai muses.
“Don’t make me hurt you, Dazai!” He leans over the table, glaring at him.
“You wish that it could have been more romantic and not so sudden but these things happen and you barely even think about it all now, am I right?” Ranpo has a smug look on his face.
Kunikida sighs as he settles back into his seat. “Yes, as expected of the best Detective in the Agency.”
“In the world,” he corrects him, “And don’t you forget it.” He places his hat back on. He points once again. “And you, Jun’ichirō, are indeed…”
“Don’t leave us in suspense again,” Yosano sighs.
“...Not a virgin!”
“Whoop! Whoop!” Dazai cheers again. Kunikida grumbles. Ranpo twirls his hat and Yosano laughs lightly to herself. Atsushi sinks further into his seat, knowing that he’s for sure still left out, even in this.
“You actually lost it quite recently, to a girl you knew from your old school. You’re not exactly hiding it, but you didn’t want anyone to find out because you don’t want Naomi to know.” Ranpo’s eyes sear into him. “You were scared that someone in the Agency would slip up and tell Naomi if they knew, isn’t that right?” He has that smug smile again.
Jun’ichirō blushes a little, feeling exposed and embarrassed. He laughs a bit, “Yeah, that’s right.”
Ranpo hums, victoriously, as he leans back in his seat and sips the last of his orange juice. Dazai and Yosano clap. Kunikida feels inclined to join in but doesn’t.
“But I don’t understand,” Atsushi says, “How could you possibly know all of that?” He’s completely bewildered. Ranpo’s ability isn’t even a real ability. Is he even human? Just how is he so talented?
“Well, Atsushi, my Ultra Deduction’s the best ability on the planet,” he taps the side of his forehead as he says it. Dazai lightly rolls his eyes at him. “By compiling little facts that you’ve all left lying around over the course of our knowing each other—” he places his hat back on— “it’s almost comical to think that I couldn’t deduce anything about you.”
Atsushi suddenly feels uneasy. If what he’s saying is true, then that means that Ranpo could simply expose him for anything he’s ever done with just a mere glance. But then he sighs in relief, as he also realizes that he doesn’t have anything to hide from anyone in the Agency, so he doesn’t exactly have to worry about being “exposed” by Ranpo in any way.
He glances over at Dazai, who’s drifting off into space again.
Now maybe that’s someone who has to worry about Ranpo exposing him.
“So the only virgin here is Atsushi,” Yosano says as if she’s thinking out loud. She looks straight ahead at Jun’ichirō and stares at him, almost as if she’s studying him. “I really thought you were a virgin, Jun’ichirō,” she almost sounds disappointed, like she really wanted to be the winner of her and Dazai’s little debate earlier.
Jun’ichirō just laughs awkwardly and looks away. Atsushi fiddles with his hands in his lap.
“Ah, don’t worry, Atsushi,” Dazai says.
Atsushi glances up at him, surprised by his words. Dazai props his elbows on the table and folds his hands in, resting his chin against them.
“I’ll take you out with me to the Red Light District next,” he smiles.
“What did I say about meddling in people’s lives?” Kunikida warns, looking through his notebook.
“Um, but Dazai, I’m not old enough to drink.”
“Pssh,” he waves his hand to the side, “That’s not important. You can get in anywhere if you’re with me.”
“Uh—”
“Dazai, you really shouldn’t take Atsushi anywhere like that,” Jun’ichirō says.
“You’re welcome to come too, Jun’ichirō,” Dazai leans back into the seat, “The more the merrier.”
“You just want someone to go drinking with you again,” Kunikida sighs.
“Yeah, and you’re no fun,” Dazai mumbles.
“What was that? I can be fun.”
“Yeah, like maybe ten shots in. Maybe,” Dazai teases.
Kunikida grumbles, “So what you really mean is that it’s fun for you to watch me go around embarrassing myself when I get drunk.”
Dazai snickers, “I didn’t say that.”
“Your face says it all!” He raises his voice at him.
“And so that’s why I’m taking Atsushi. I’m sure he’ll make a great bar hopping companion, won’t you?” Dazai smiles at Atsushi.
Despite how charming he’s trying to be, Atsushi’s still definitely going to say no.
“If you need a drinking partner that bad, I’ll go with you,” Yosano offers.
Dazai sighs, “But you get scary when you drink, Yosano. I don’t need you getting me kicked out of my favorite spots because you threatened to chop the bartender in half.”
Atsushi frowns, looking on in slight horror. He can totally picture Yosano already doing that and getting them thrown out of somewhere.
She groans as her head falls back onto the table, “Whatever.”
“How’s tonight sound, Atsushi?” Dazai stares at him deviously.
“Uh…”
“Come on, I’ll make it unforgettable,” he wiggles his eyebrows at him.
“If you go with him, you just might forget everything,” Kunikida warns.
“Uh, thank you for the offer, Dazai, but I actually agreed to make dinner for Kyōka tonight,” he smiles, hesitantly. He hopes that was a good enough excuse.
Dazai sighs and looks off into nothing, “Maybe some other time then.” His eyes close as he leans his head against the cushions of the booth.
The café becomes silent once again and Atsushi feels relieved that this crazy scenario is all over. He’s just thankful that no one else was here today so that he didn’t get completely and utterly embarrassed.
The chime of the café door slightly alerts all of them.
“Hey guys,” Lucy says as she strolls in.
Dazai slams his hands against the table. “Lucy! There’s something we need to ask you!”
Oh no, Atsushi thinks as he slides further into his seat.