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“Jesse?”
He heard the voice, but it seemed far away – somewhere in the distance. It was easy enough for Jesse to think that he was dreaming. He couldn't have been sleeping for long which meant that there was no reason for a specific someone to try and wake him up. However, dreaming of that someone saying his name would make him rather uncomfortable.
Using half of his sleepy consciousness to wonder why he would be uncomfortable with dreaming about Cassidy, he noticed with the other half that said someone was gently touching his shoulder while repeating his name. Jesse groaned.
“Good Lord, Cass, do you know what time it is?” he yawned into his pillow, stretching his arms above his head. He forced one eye open to check the clock on his bedside table and quickly shut it again. The red numbers were still blinking angrily behind his closed eyelids. 2:46
“Do you know what time it is?” he asked again but this time annoyance and anger vibrating in his voice. “I have to be up early tomorrow, Cassidy. Go back to bed, man.”
He heard Cassidy rubbing his arm, a habit Jesse had learned to recognize as a sign of discomfort. “But---,” Cassidy started, however he stopped immediately when Jesse groaned again.
He opened his eyes. Cassidy's frame was illuminated by the moonlight which was shining weakly through the curtains. His shoulders slumped visibly and he turned around. Jesse felt a knot in his stomach. It wasn't the guilt that made him move, though. Cassidy's breath was irregular and shaky. He sounded very much like a person who was close to a break down and tried very hard not to cry. Jesse was familiar with these sounds for he had often made them himself, deep down at the bottom of a lake in a dark coffin.
Before Cassidy had even reached the corner of the bed, Jesse sat up, his bare feet touching the cold ground. “Cass, what's wrong?” he asked softly.
He stopped, back still turned toward him. Jesse thought for a second that Cassidy's shoulders slumped even more and he bowed his head in shame like a dog that had been scolded for barking at night. He saw that Cassidy was rubbing his arm again, more furiously this time.
“'Tis nothin', padre. Sorry fer wakin' ye.”
He tried to leave the room but Jesse was faster and grabbed him by the shoulder. “Come on, Cass. I know something is wrong.” Gently he pushed Cassidy onto the bed until they were sitting next to each other. He couldn't see his face but Jesse was sure that his friend was struggling with himself.
Jesse wanted to help somehow. And apparently his friend wanted his help, too. Otherwise he wouldn't have woken him up in the middle of the night. Unfortunately, Jesse was not great at reading people and he was even worse at it in the dead of the night. If he could have seen his friend properly, he wouldn't be able to say what was wrong with him either. He needed Cassidy to talk.
But Cassidy didn't talk. He was just sitting next to him, face turned the other way. His posture was stiff and he seemed to be very focused on breathing regularly. When Jesse gently touched his shoulder again, he startled and pulled back immediately as if he wasn't worth to be touched like that. Jesse stared for a few seconds until eventually everything started to make sense.
His hand fell back onto the mattress, but he tried to hide his disappointment. Had Cassidy come to confess?
“How much did you take?” Jesse asked calmly. It wasn't the first time. They had argued about this so many times that Jesse had lost count. It wasn't his life and Cassidy was a grown up. He could do whatever he wanted to do. In theory these thoughts would be very rational if there weren't the other part of his brain that felt hurt and wanted to react with anger like all the other times before.
Cassidy snuffled, his breathing suddenly very choked. “N—Nothing.”
He couldn't help but look dumbfounded at his friend, “but... that's good! That is great, Cass.”
“NO IT ISN'T” he shouted back, anger written all over his face when he suddenly looked at Jesse. “YOU DON'T UNDERTSTAND.Y---Ye don't get it...” With every syllable he got quieter until Jesse had to actually lean closer to understand his mumbling.
“I can't without... I was tryin' 'cause I know ye hate it. I don't wanna.... I just.... I need this... it.”
Suddenly his body started shaking and Jesse knew that Cassidy, even though he was making no sound at all, was crying. With every silent sob his body was shaking violently. He had turned his whole body away from Jesse and wrapped his arms around himself, gripping his shoulders so tightly that it had to be painful.
Jesse had never seen Cassidy like this and he was unable to react at first. If this had been Tulip before him, he knew exactly what he would do. He would hug her and tell her that everything was going to be okay. Cassidy was different, though. Not just because he was a man, but also because their relationship was different.
“Cass,” Jesse said gently.
Cassidy seemed to dig his nails even further into his own flesh as though his arms were the only thing that held his body together. “I'm pathetic...I so damn pathetic. I'm sorry...so sorry... if I didn't exist ye--”
“Shut up,” he interrupted firmly and carefully placed his hands on top of Cassidy's, gently easing the grip bit by bit. No, Cassidy wasn't different to Tulip. He needed him now. He needed his help and his support. Cassidy needed his friend. “You're gonna be okay, Cass. I'm here. It's gonna be okay.” he whispered then.
The last time they had talked about Cassidy's drug problem, they ended up fighting, shouting loudly at each other until the vampire had stormed out of the church and was gone for several days. Back then, Jesse had been hurt and angry but also so damn worried.
Cassidy had been in a horrible state. Jesse found him lying in his attic, needle still in his arm, unconscious, lying in his own sick. Never in his adult life had he felt such a panic, such a pain and such an anger. He cleaned him up, he held him down during one of the hallucination trips where he shouted and kicked Jesse in his stomach. He was there for him until the effects wore off and Cassidy had sobered up completely. Jesse knew that if Cassidy had been human, he would have been dead then.
“No big deal, padre. Ye can't get rid of me that easily. Believe me. I tried, “ he had said, giving him one of his huge grins as if everything was just a joke.
Jesse had punched Cassidy then. He shouted that he was wasting his life and how dare he do that to himself and his friends. Cassidy shouted back that it was none of his business and what did he know about his fucking life. And then Cassidy was gone and Jesse punched the wall and cried in frustration. He hadn't cried in years.
Now the tables had turned and Cassidy was crying and Jesse wanted to do something. He knew that anger wouldn't help and that support and comfort were the only useful things here. That is what he needed to do.
He didn't meet any resistance when he pushed Cassidy down onto the sheets. “Legs up, “ he ordered and Cassidy obeyed. Jesse wasn't even sure if the vampire was actually aware of his surrounding. He was still muttering incoherent words and phrases to himself. Only when Jesse threw the blanket over his slim figure, Cassidy's eyes focused on Jesse's.
“Where?” It was a simple question and Jesse knew the rest of the night depended on how Cassidy would react to that little word. He swallowed and closed his eyes with a pained expression.
“.... at the bottom of your underwear drawer, under the mattress in your old bedroom and in the drawer where you keep Tulip's old things...”
Jesse stared. Why would he keep his drugs in places that had something to do with him? Especially his old bedroom and the drawer with Tulip's things were very personal and very private. Jesse rarely set a foot in his old bedroom. Too many memories haunted him in there but it still was a sacred space to him as was the drawer that contained old photos and a box with old toys of their childhood, things that reminded him of Tulip. Cassidy knew that. Jesse took a deep, calming breath.
“Okay. I will be back in some minutes.”
Sure enough Jesse found the drugs in the places Cassidy has named. While flushing them down the toilette, he thought about everything again especially because the drawer had been ajar and the light was switched on when he came down to look for the secret stash. Something was weird.
Cassidy had shown up in his room to ask for help and Jesse believed him when he said that he didn't take any drugs. In his ramblings he had mentioned that he tried not to do drugs because he, Jesse, hated it. Clearly he hadn't been as unfazed by their fight as he had seemed. But why was the drawer open and why the drawer in the first place?
He walked back into his bedroom and saw that Cassidy hadn't moved at all. He sighed inwardly and considered his options for a second. Then he told his religious education to screw itself and climbed into bed, facing his friend who was still lying on his back.
“I got rid of everything.” he said, mentally preparing himself for Cassidy to punch him or at least shout but he didn't do either. Instead he took a long, shaky breath and turned onto his side to face him.
“I'm sorry,” he whispered, “for having been such a dick and a disaster. I'm a sad excuse of a human being.” He pulled his legs up and Jesse could see the tears on his face. “I wish I could stop. I wish I were someone else... someone less.... broken. I'm so weak.”
Jesse didn't think twice. He pulled Cassidy towards him and held him tight, running his fingers through his hair in what he hoped was a soothing gesture. “It's gonna be okay, Cass. It will be fine.”
“I hate myself. I hate what I am..... I don't wanna lose you, Jesse.”
Suddenly Jesse knew why Cassidy had chosen those spaces for his secret stash. His heart started beating faster and a warm smile appeared on his lips. Jesse Custer wasn't a man of words, especially if they were in any way connected to emotions. The only thing he could do was, pulling Cassidy even closer and allowing himself to enjoy the moment while it lasted.
“I should probably leave...” Cassidy said awkwardly after a while and started peeling himself out of Jesse's embrace.
“Don't be an idiot. Just stay,” Jesse said while rolling his eyes. They overstepped the boundaries a while ago and they both knew it.
“But---”
“Shut up and sleep.”
Cassidy allowed himself to smile when he put his head back down onto the pillow, snuggling back into Jesse's chest and he smiled back.
It was quiet for a while. The only noise one could hear was their breathing. The preacher had nearly drifted off, when he heard a mumbled “thank you” and smiled.