Work Text:
6th June
Hyacinth named the conversation “Pig Party 🎉”
Hyacinth: have I ever told you that you’re all like sisters to me?
Colin: perhaps the greatest compliment you’ve ever given me
Colin: which begs the question… what do you want 👀
Hyacinth loved perhaps the greatest…
Hyacinth: what makes you think I want anything?
Hyacinth: maybe i’m just a girl’s girl
Eloise: whatever this is, leave me out of it
Penelope laughed at whatever this is…
Hyacinth: i’m afraid that won’t be possible, dear sister(s)
Hyacinth: it’s a decree from mum herself 😌
Penelope: Honoured to be counted among the sisters, Hy!
Penelope: You’ve both flattered me and piqued my interest
Penelope: How can we help you 👀
Hyacinth: as you know i have two distinguished guinea pig gentlemen, anne and alice, that apparently aren’t allowed to accompany us to aubrey 😡
mum said the housekeeper can just watch them while we are gone but these boys need more attention and a stimulating environment than that!
Colin: sorry hy, my heart says yes but my landlord says no. pet free building, i’m afraid.
Hyacinth: great news i wasn’t going to ask you anyway
Hyacinth: soooooo el and pen could they pretty pretty please stay with you while we are gone? 🙏🙏🙏
Colin will of course be covering while you busy working women are…well…busy
Colin: oh he will, will he
Colin: what if Colin is busy?
Hyacinth: you’re my funniest sister, Colin
Penelope laughed at “you’re my funniest…”
Eloise disliked “you’re my funniest…”
Eloise: actually incredible that the jobless one is getting away with this instead of us. will the plight of woman never cease?
Hyacinth: unemploymentmaxxing
Colin:
Hyacinth loved an image
Hyacinth: great so it’s sorted then? I’ll bring the boys and their palace by yours tomorrow! Thanks so much!
Hyacinth: oh btw there is a camera built into the enclosure hope that’s ok 😘
Eloise: a camera? are we to infer that you’re making us do this and don’t even trust us???
Penelope: Always glad when Bridgerton banter makes decisions for us
Penelope: But as the only adult in this chat, sure Hy, we can watch your pigs
Penelope: Probably. Almost definitely.
Hyacinth loved “But as the only…”
Colin: wtf just happened
Penelope: Things I ask myself in every single group chat I’m in with this family
Eloise: sorry you’re wondering wtf just happened? it’s our flat these guinea pigs are apparently moving into… with their cameras!!!
Today 10:14 AM
Penelope: Hold on, did you say *palace*? How big is this thing we’re housing and where in our little flat is it meant to be going?
Penelope: Hyacinth?
Hyacinth & Eloise
Hyacinth:
Eloise: you’re scaring me
Hyacinth: i need you on board with the pig plan
Hyacinth: i’ve got pig pig plans
Eloise: can you stop using pig as an adjective? it offends my vegan sensibilities
Hyacinth: 🙄
Hyacinth: idk why seeing as the boys are more vegan than you. how were all those prawn crackers on Chinese night last week?
Eloise:
Eloise: ok, i’m warming to these fellas a lil. do they like prawn crackers?
Hyacinth: forget prawn crackers for a minute
Hyacinth: how sensitive are your hay fever sensibilities? coz we are locking in on Polin
Eloise: you cannot be giving them a couple name already omfg
Eloise: also this isn’t going to work
Hyacinth disliked “also this isn’t going…”
Hyacinth:
Hyacinth: do you want to help me or would you rather just watch from a front row (and given the size of the flat a very close up seat) as our brother continues to be blind to his feelings?
Eloise: i guess i want to help youuuu 😞
Hyacinth: all you have to do is make yourself scarce and let them do all the work
Hyacinth: and update me on our project’s progress
Hyacinth: you in?
Eloise: i’m in
Hyacinth loved “i’m in”
Eloise: but if this ends in me having to move out of my BEAUTIFUL flat to let colin live here instead, i'm never getting you birthday gift again
Hyacinth: nxjdhsgshsudjfkfirn it’s Colin, he will be buying them their own flat and proposing by Christmas
Hyacinth: I love love 🥹
Eloise: you know what i once loved? peace
Hyacinth: Bridgertons when we lie
Hyacinth: good thing you love me more
Eloise:
Eloise: whatever, let’s get this show on the road i guess
Pig Panic 🗣️ 🐾🧎♂️🐹
Colin named the conversation “Pig Panic 🗣️ 🐾🧎♂️🐹”
Colin: here is the thing
Colin: i know fuck all about guinea pigs
Eloise: you know fuck all about anything
Penelope: Let’s be fair, El. He knows at least three things
Penelope: Probably not about guinea pigs though
Eloise: eating, sleeping, and… no, i can only think of two
Colin: your confidence overwhelms me
Colin: the point is, i have no idea how to babysit any non-human entities.
Eloise: no idea how to babysit non-human entities 🤨🤨🤨🤨? you did alright watching greg that one time
Penelope laughed at “no idea how…”
Penelope: Three things is at least two more than I would allow for Ant and Ben 😘
Colin loved “Three things is at…”
Penelope: To your point, I’m not sure any of us know about guinea pigs—but if Hyacinth can do it, we can? Right?
Colin: i don’t know if that’s true. hyacinth has powers which are not for us mortals to understand
Colin: i fear she was never punished as a child
Penelope: Were *you* ever punished as a child???
Colin: this is a trick question, as i was a flawlessly behaved youth
Colin: hyacinth, on the other hand…
Eloise: sorry, i cannot in good conscience let you lie to a sweet and innocent darling like penelope. you were not a flawlessly behaved youth
Penelope: Have either of you met these guinea pigs? What are the odds Hyacinth has raised her own hellions?
Colin: my god. what if she’s trained them to attack us???
Eloise: i hope she has lmao
Penelope: That’s unlikely…
Penelope: *Can* you train guinea pigs?
Colin: these are the kinds of things I would know if I knew anything about guinea pigs! ffs!!!
Eloise: ok dear bro, i think you’ll be okay. they’re actually just guinea pigs, and google is a free resource
Colin: i just don’t want to fuck up. i’m already barely around as it is and i’ve never had to take care of a pet and imagine if i did something to hy’s guinea pigs and everyone would think i’m an even bigger screw up than they already do and i’d just be proving them right and hyacinth would never trust me again and actually no one would ever trust me again when you think about it and where would i go for christmas if anthony banned me from aubrey hall. where.
Eloise:
Eloise: colin, omg. please don’t make me feel bad, you know im no good at it. you’re going to do amazing sweetie 🤏🏼
Eloise: @penelope back me up
Penelope: Colin, you’re not a screw up, and no one thinks you’re a screw up, and you aren’t alone in this—it will be a team effort, so if you get banned from Aubrey for Christmas the three of us will have our own little celebration here
Penelope: It’s going to be fine and maybe even good! Trust me
Colin: okay. i trust you.
Colin: not sure how i feel about Eloise calling me sweetie but
Colin: thank you for the pig me up 🙏
Penelope loved “thank you for…”
7th June
Pig Party 🎉
Hyacinth:
Hyacinth: the palace is ready! thank you all!
Hyacinth: please don’t forget the camera also picks up sounds (for socials content purposes) so behave yourselves
Hyacinth: @colin
Colin: what exactly do you think i’m going to be doing in someone else’s flat
Colin: my little sister’s flat btw
Hyacinth: penelope’s flat too btw
Colin: k?
Hyacinth: i do maybe have one other teeeeeny tiny request
Penelope loved an image
Penelope reacted 👀 to "Penelope's flat too..."
Penelope: As long as the request is *actually* teeny tiny, I’ll allow it
Eloise: pen, it won’t be 😭😭don’t fall for this
Hyacinth:
Hyacinth: i’ve prepared The People for a bit of a lull in content but I’m worried if there’s nothing for 2 weeks it will be a hard hit on pigtok engagement. i tried to get some content banked but i’m worried it won’t be enough.
Hyacinth: i’m hoping maybe their lovely aunties could film just ooooooone little tiktok while they’re with you??
Colin: by aunties i am going to have to assume you mean me because it’ll be a cold day in hell before peneloise learn how to make a tiktok
Eloise: peneloiseeeeee 🥹 i love us. but also yes, only fair you put your ‘skills’ to use somehow
Hyacinth loved “by aunties i am…”
Hyacinth: seeing as i taught you everything you know about being an influencer you would assume correctly
Penelope reacted 👵 to “by aunties i am…”
Hyacinth: and i’ll take that as a yes 🥰
Penelope: *pigtok* 🤣
Penelope: I can’t tell if this is a reason to stay off tiktok or a reason I should join…
Penelope: Either way, if Colin is going to handle it then who am I to deny your request
Pig Panic 🗣️ 🐾🧎♂️🐹
Penelope: Why am I worried about what else Hyacinth is going to ask us to do??
Eloise: probably because you know she’s sniffed you out as a pushover. saw the first hurdle and didn’t even try to jump?
Penelope: You know I like to say yes when I can—makes it feel less bad when I have to say no
Penelope: Also, @Colin do you want to come over and get a key and organise a pig schedule and duties?
Colin: i can come around lunch, do you want me to bring something from the pho place across the road from your flat?
Colin: in related news i will be coming over around lunch a lot
Eloise disliked “in related news i will be…”
Penelope: Pho sounds *amazing*! @Eloise will you be here for lunch?
Eloise: not today kids ):
Colin: okay one (1) spicy broth pho with grilled pork, no onions, and extra limes for pen and nothing for eloise
Eloise: pho-ck me i guess
Colin reacted 🥰 to “pho-ck me…”
Eloise:
Penelope loved “okay one (1) spicy…”
Penelope: To have your order known is to be loved or whatever they say lol
Penelope: Thanks, Colin! see you in a bit!
8th June
Pig Panic 🗣️ 🐾🧎♂️🐹
Eloise: ok don’t tell hy but i’ve watched every single one of her pigtok videos ten times already. what if we just kept them forever? but like, you two did the caretaking and I just reviewed all the cute surveillance footage
Colin: i have already spent a collective eight million hours cleaning their poop. why did i get poop duty again? we can’t pignap them unless someone else helps with the poop.
Colin: but apart from that i am qualmless
Eloise: did you know you’ve always been my favourite brother?
Eloise: my hands are not made for picking up guinea pig poo, tho, sorry. and you’re soooooo good at it already
Elosie: why disrupt greatness, i think
Penelope: And of course it’s down to me to have enough qualms for all of us
Penelope: We are NOT pignapping your little sister’s guinea pigs
Eloise disliked “We are NOT pignapping…”
Eloise: when did you get so strait laced?
Penelope: Besides we couldn’t even get away with it it’s *Hyancinth* remember—she would destroy us all
Penelope: They *are* really cute though (especially with someone else on poop duty ☺️)
Colin: brain blast
Colin: what if we hired hyacinth to clean up the poop after we pignap her children
Colin: this solves all problems 🙂↕️
Penelope: Oh, I see, he has a death wish
Eloise: yeah you might be flying a bit too close to the sun with that one…
Colin: betrayed by my co-conspirator ???
Colin: fine then. tabling the pignapping until you two get some vision.
Pig Party 🎉
Colin: hyacinth when i hold them they make the greatest noises i have ever heard???? what is happening??? i would dedicate my life to these gentlemen??????
Hyacinth: 🫧
Hyacinth: omggggg loml are bubbling 😭 my angels
Colin: BUBBLING
Hyacinth: bubbling 🙂↕️
Colin: !!! my nephews!!!!
Hyacinth: they must love their uncle Colin 🥹
Colin:
Hyacinth: are you obsessed? are they your new hyperpigsation?
Colin: i am deeply hyperpigsated
Colin: in fact i was planning on asking eloise and penelope if they would mind me building a little guinea pig race track in their living room
Eloise laughed at “in fact i was planning on…”
Colin: due to the fact that i am unemployed and, as previously mentioned, obsessed
Eloise: alright piggy smalls. could you not do something actually useful with all this time you’re spending at our flat? like, idk, take the bins out?
Eloise: or better yet, maybe just go home? you don’t have to be here when we are. you know this, yes?
Colin disliked “or better yet, maybe…”
Penelope: It is pretty adorable to watch him with the boys, El, you’ve gotta admit (reader, she will never admit it)
Colin loved “It is pretty…”
Hyacinth: race track sounds like great enrichment for anne and alice and great pigtok content
Hyacinth: the princess is pleased
Eloise: stop encouraging him
Colin: if it helps, i will also take out the bins
Penelope loved “if it helps…”
Colin: additionally will be taking out your sofa because i need the space for my race track
Penelope laughed at “additionally will be”
Colin: zoom zoom motherfuckers
Penelope: I’ll see if I can help you clear out some zoom room tomorrow!
Hyacinth: @Eloise make sure you’re not taking up any of the zoom room tomorrow
Eloise: make sure you’re not taking up any of the zoom room? in my flat, you mean? my flat. again, m y f l a t
9th June
Pig Panic 🗣️ 🐾🧎♂️🐹
Colin: popping in to feed them and clean the cage before i take the niblings to footie
Colin: bringing coffee, worry not
Penelope: I want to say you don’t have to always bring something when you come over
Penelope: But actually I like the things, keep them coming
Penelope: Do you need coffee orders or??
Colin: please. do you think me an amateur? please.
Hyacinth & Eloise
Hyacinth: noticed an interesting bump in views on my early days pigtok videos while i’ve been at aub
Hyacinth: very interesting
Eloise: colin is better than we thought at influencing i guess
Eloise: probably
Hyacinth:
Sure.
Eloise: btw they’re being insufferable about this already. the obliviousness is extra annoying when it’s sitting on your sofa and giggling about being “piggy parents” five days a week
Hyacinth: it’s been less than 48 hours this is great news that it’s felt like a week already
Eloise: longer 😞😞😞
Hyacinth: i swear it’s going to work this time
Hyacinth: and not that I’m spying…but….there is a camera
Hyacinth: when content farming i maaaay have heard them flirting a bit. maybe.
Eloise: hyacinth you little creep, you’re not supposed to be watching all of that. im smashing the pigcam to smithereens when i get home
Eloise: also does this mean you’ve heard…
Eloise: nevermind
Pig Party 🎉
Hyacinth: proof of pigs please
Colin:
Colin: they’re my best friends
Penelope: I’m fairly sure he likes them better than he likes Eloise and I
Penelope: Well, definitely Eloise, but I think he likes them better than me!
Hyacinth loved a photo
Colin: it’s giving
Hyacinth laughed at “it’s giving”
Hyacinth replied to “Well, definitely Eloise…”: not only is that utterly impossible i’m now worried i won’t be getting custody of my pigs back if he likes them THAT much
Hyacinth: @colin please confirm you’re not this level of in love with anne and alice
Penelope: All I’m saying is he was never over this much when it was just mine and Eloise’s flat
Eloise: penelope don’t lose sight of reality. it IS still just our flat
Colin replied to “@Colin please confirm…”: i am their papa and they, my progeny
Colin replied to “All I’m saying…”: well now that you’ve given me a key i no longer have to answer riddles three when i get to the door
Penelope: Only until you point it out to Eloise, good sir
Eloise: you gave him a key???? is nothing sacred?
Eloise: i’m never going to know peace again am i?
Penelope: You were literally in the chat when I asked him if he wanted to come pick up a key, El
Eloise: but i don’t pay attention to things like that!!!
Eloise: and i didn’t know he’d be keeping the key
Penelope: Anyway, I’ve suppressed as much pignapping talk as I can, but for good or ill you’d better be prepared to see a lot more of your brother when you’re back, Hy
Hyacinth:
Hyacinth: i have not thought this through
Eloise: so you’re beginning to understand how i feel? cool
Penelope laughed at an image
Colin: so what I’m getting from this conversation is that my favourite sister a.) doesn’t want to see me, and b.) doesn’t want me to see my best friends anne and alice
Colin: and you wonder why i travel
Colin:
Hyacinth: exactly what a pignapper would say
Hyacinth: ….favourite you say?
Hyacinth: wait you have a key to their flat now?
Eloise: hyacinth i implore you to spend one (1) day in my shoes
Eloise: this is all your fault
Eloise:
Colin: and this is why @Eloise is not my favourite sister btw
Eloise: negging will not work, i know you hold me in incredibly high esteem
Colin: curse mum for teaching us all to love out loud
10th June
Pig Party 🎉
Hyacinth: if i’d known the racetrack was going to take this long i’d have ordered the boys the custom racing jackets i wanted
Hyacinth: it’s been 84 years dot jpeg
Colin: custom racing jackets? i’m up.
Hyacinth: up finishing their racetrack? I need pigtok content
Penelope: If you come in here making racetrack assembly noise before 10 AM your sister *will* murder you and I’ll be helpless to stop her
Penelope: Just for the record
Colin: for real hy, do you know how much these guys poop? it’s slow going because I keep having to take breaks from building my masterpiece to clean up all the shit. and peneloise are of NO help because they won’t touch it.
Penelope: Hey, we hold the boys while you’re cleaning! That’s not *nothing*
Colin: it’s basically nothing
Colin: i am elbow deep in never ending tiny poops
Hyacinth: are you picking poos up individually with tweezers or are you just inept with the pooper hoover?
Colin: did you just say pooper hoover
Colin: hyacinth bridgerton
Colin: was there a pooper hoover that you MAYBE neglected to mention to us
Penelope reacted 👀to “was there a…”
Hyacinth: ……..did i?
Hyacinth: oops
Colin:
Hyacinth: it’s a small flat
Hyacinth: perhaps it was left behind the sofa so as to take up less space?
Colin: @Eloise… @Penelope…did you know about this? how betrayed should i feel rn?
Penelope:
Eloise: if i’d known there was a poover, i would absolutely have hidden it from you, yes
Eloise: quite sad i didn’t actually
Eloise: @penelope hide it somewhere else pls
Penelope:
Hyacinth replied to “quite sad i…”: are you proud of me 👹
Elosie: nothing has ever made my heart so full
Colin & Penelope
Colin: I have a gift for you.
Penelope reacted 👀 to “I have a…”
Colin: No, hang on. I’m underselling.
Colin: Miss Penelope Anne Featherington, I have the greatest gift of all TIME for you.
Penelope: Okay, colour me *very* intrigued
Colin: https://www.bloomsbury.com/uk/guinea-pig-pride--prejudice-9781408865514/
Penelope: Colin that’s
Penelope: It’s perfect
Penelope: Granted, it’s just the product page *but* I can tell it’s perfect and I need a copy
Penelope: Oh my god—did you see the note about Mr Darcy pig in the description??
Colin: i always love learning bts details about The Talent 😌
Penelope: I do think our little Anne would make a pretty good Mr Darcy actually
Penelope: I have more good news
Colin reacted 👀to “I have more…”
Penelope: It’s a *series*!!
Penelope: Watch our future nursery be filled with guinea pig versions of classic books
Penelope: nurseries*
Penelope: Separately, obviously
Colin: we could share a nursery
Colin: i just don’t know how much plants like to read guinea pig versions of the classics, pen
Colin: but I’m never one to say no to a shared gardening venture
Penelope: Now that we’re experienced at babysitting non-human entities, plants ought to be no problem!
Penelope: But Eloise will *not* let us have a nursery here—you saw her when we were just clearing room for the race track earlier and she *likes* the guinea pigs
Colin: when’s your lease up
Colin: i’ll take you away from all of this
Penelope laughed at “i’ll take you…”
Penelope: I’d like to see you try to steal me away from Eloise
Penelope: Your best bet is worming your way in as a third roommate, tbh
Colin: i’ll sleep curled up around the boys’ cage. it’s perfect. no notes.
Colin: i had a lot of fun today, pen
Colin: like, more fun than i’ve had in ages
Colin: thanks for helping with the track. genuinely.
Penelope loved “i had a lot…”
Penelope loved “like, more fun…”
Penelope: I had a lot of fun today, too!
Penelope: I always have the most fun with you ☺️
Colin loved “I always have…”
Colin: the feeling is wildly mutual.
11th June
Pig Party 🎉
Colin: babes wake up, it’s race day
Colin:
Hyacinth reacted ⚡️to a photo
Hyacinth: finaly. ive been wainting for years
Colin: here is our masterpiece btw
Colin:
Colin: i feel like rafiki presenting simba on pride rock
Penelope: I’ve been giving Anne a pep talk, and he’s READY to go
Penelope: Team Pannelope is going to destroy you all
Colin: if you’re pannelope does that make us… calice
Penelope laughed at “if you’re pannelope…”
Penelope: I think it does
Penelope: So clearly we’ve already won in the naming department
Penelope: Just an indication of future victories
Eloise: kind of annoying how excited i am to see this
Eloise: what have you people done to me???
Penelope: @Eloise can you please be proud of my shit talk? I’ve been practicing 😌
Eloise: i’m always proud of you, angel
Penelope loved “i’m always proud…”
Eloise: best shit talker in the world
Colin: @hyacinth I’d like it noted that they’re making googly eyes at each other whilst I set up a trail of delicious lettuce pieces for the boys to follow across the maze
Penelope replied to “i’m always proud…”: This feels slightly untrue, but I’m going to accept the compliment anyway 🥰😘
Penelope: @Colin we are opponents, rivals, nay *nemeses* today—you can’t expect me to help you
Hyacinth: is this the before picture of the track? the work in progress?
Colin: no, it’s finished
Hyacinth: this looks like something Greg the family pet could have made in 30 min
Hyacinth: yet he’s here at aub with me so I know that’s not the case
Hyacinth: here we are days later…
Colin: it’s a maze!
Colin: do you not see that it’s a maze?
Colin: it’s a maze 🙂↕️
Hyacinth: amaze-ing how long it took you. i do see that
Penelope laughed at “amaze-ing how long…”
Hyacinth & Eloise
Hyacinth: how did this cardboard…situation take so long to make
Eloise: beats me. probably the endless flirting, but i can’t be sure bc i had to leave the room more than once to save myself actually throwing up
Pig Party 🎉
Hyacinth: send me play by plays
Colin: we just put them in their starting positions… they smell the lettuce… they see the lettuce… they are blocked off from the lettuce by penelope’s hand while eloise counts down…
Colin: AND THEY’RE OFF
Colin: we have arrived at the first bridge of the night!!! Will they choose the Right Lettuce or the Lefttuce?
Penelope:
Penelope: The crowd wonders if he’s a better coach than commentator—his poor team can only hope so
Penelope: (Okay, I chuckled at lefftuce, but I’m in Rivalry Mode)
Hyacinth: make that heated rivalry mode and I’ll ignore how long this cardboard project took
Hyacinth: love a love story
Hyacinth: who’s team shane and who’s team ilya
Penelope: I am *only* Team Pannelope at this moment
Colin: I’m team “Hyacinth is too young to watch heated rivalry” unless by heated rivalry you mean the one between teams Pannelope and Calice.
Penelope: This is the only version I’ll accept
Penelope: But team Calice is hardly competition
Penelope: Anne is smoking Alice 😌
Colin: stop that. alice is doing his best. he’s just really focused on eating his lettuce.
Colin: hy, eloise can’t type bc she’s recording but she says to tell you that you’ve parented the two laziest guinea pigs in the history of guineas pig.
Hyacinth: they work smarter not harder
Hyacinth: perhaps it’s the “race track” that’s confounding them
Penelope: If you didn’t let Alice actually *have* the lettuce, he would keep moving, @Colin
Penelope: It really all comes down to the coaching
Colin: and am I to deny my nephew the lettuce that he so rightly deserves?
Colin: AND NOW LOOK AT HIM GO. HAVING COMPLETED HIS LETTUCE JOURNEY, ALICE CONTINUES INTO THE TREACHEROUS MAZE, HIP-CHECKING HIS BROTHER AS HE MANEUVERS DEFTLY TO THE NEXT SNACK
Penelope: Truly his uncle’s nephew actually
Penelope: I feel like I’ve seen Colin do a similar thing to Greg on more than one occasion
Colin: greg knows better than to come between me and a little treat by now
Colin: just like anne is learning not to get between alice and a little treat
Colin: HYACINTH, PENELOPE IS CHEATING. STOP HER IMMEDIATELY.
Penelope: I just want your nephew to have all the little treats he deserves
Penelope: COLIN PUT MY PIG DOWN
Colin: anne said he wanted snuggles
Colin: he was also confused about why you put a piece of lettuce BACKWARDS on the race track
Colin: answer for your crimes penelope featherington
Penelope reacted 😇to “answer for your…”
Eloise: well that was a massive waste of time
Eloise: and my arm is killing from recording the whole thing 😒
Eloise: @hyacinth i hope you’re happy
Hyacinth replied to “@hyacinth i hope…”: happy with u for getting all the content mwah
Hyacinth: dying over the editing to be done due to neither pig winning or even finishing the competition. @colin i expected more competitive edge from a bridgerton but i suppose you were distracted
Hyacinth: anyway thanks for……whatever that was. kisses to the boys
Hyacinth & Eloise
Hyacinth: colin when he’s going to your flat to see pen
Eloise: did you make anne into a gif?
Hyacinth: of course not. someone on pigtok made it from the race day content
Eloise: don’t, i’m still recovering from that farce. you should have seen them omg
Hyacinth: endless flirting you say
Hyacinth: i love it when my plans come together
12th June
Colin & Penelope
Colin: i can’t believe we had to stop watching mid-conflict. i’m panicked for them. this is going to do a number on my nervous system.
Penelope: I would like it on the record that it’s the *natural* stopping point because that’s the end of the episode
Penelope: I wasn’t specifically *trying* to torture you
Colin: then why am i curled up on the floor of the tube, rocking back and forth with my knees pulled up to my chest?
Colin: i ask thee
Penelope: Do you feel as though your life is a perfect graveyard of buried hopes, perhaps?
Colin: she’s laughing
Colin: anne and diana may never see each other again and penelope featherington is laUGHING
Colin: oh why did i ever let you convince me to watch anne of green gables
Penelope: Once more for the record—it took very little convincing
Colin: i was confused. i thought it was a cute little children’s show after which my nephew was named. i didn’t yet realise i could be emotionally decimated by some raspberry cordial.
Colin: PLUS YOU PROMISED ME SNACKS
Colin: and who am i to say no to your sourdough cinnamon rolls? at the end of the day im still just a man, penelope.
Penelope: It *is* a cute show after which your darling nephew is named, but you have to remember that not all childhoods are as charmed as you Bridgertons’
Colin: major character death notwithstanding, of course
Penelope reacted 🫂to “major character death…”
Penelope: It was such a comforting show to grow up with, to be honest
Penelope: AND you got snacks 😌
Colin replied to “it was such a…”: i bet baby pen loved having a little redhead to watch growing up, too
Colin: and once you had eloise, you had a built in diana!
Penelope: You would think so
Penelope: And the redhead representation *was* very nice (spoke to a lot of my issues with the way my mum dressed us when we were little)
Penelope: But I never really considered myself an Anne character—she’s got far too much main character energy
Penelope: I related more to Diana, actually
Colin: wait wdym
Colin: do you think that you don’t have main character energy?
Colin: you????
Penelope: You try having main character energy growing up in the Featherington household!
Penelope: Portia is The Main Character, obviously
Penelope: I’m not even sure I’m the main character of my own life sometimes
Penelope: But being a supporting character has its charms
Penelope: I’ve never had a bad time being the Diana to Eloise’s Anne
Colin: it’s just funny because i feel like i see you everywhere when i look at anne
Colin: not just the ginger thing
Colin: the verbosity alone!! both of you seem to catch fire sometimes when you speak. like you’ll have an idea and it’ll just take over you and suddenly you’re going a mile a minute and saying the best things. nobody thinks quite the way you do, pen.
Penelope loved “the verbosity alone…”
Colin: (you and anne, ofc)
Penelope: Oh
Penelope: That’s such a lovely thing to say, Colin
Penelope: It’s…different with you, though
Penelope: Or with your sister, or when I’m writing
Penelope: I’m comfortable in those situations
Penelope: But then other people are around, and…it’s like deep down I *know* I can be clever and amusing, but somehow, my character gets lost between my heart and my mouth, and I find myself saying the wrong thing…or more likely nothing at all
Colin: you deserve to be comfortable all the time. You deserve for everyone to know that you’re the main character, Pen. Not Portia, not Eloise. It’s you.
Colin: And one day, when you realise that, they’ll be lining up in the streets just for the privilege to hear one of your jokes or quips or opinions, or just to have the extreme pleasure of sitting next to you binge-watching a glorious 1980s children’s miniseries.
Colin: You’re Penelope Featherington. Don’t forget that.
Penelope: I will do my best.
Penelope: And maybe sometimes if I forget, you can be there to remind me?
Colin: it would be my honour
Colin: new objective unlocked!!! love this game.
Colin: i think I’ll keep playing
Penelope loved “i think i’ll…”
13th June
Colin & Eloise
Colin: Hey. So, I know I’ve been coming round a bit more lately, and I just wanted to check in and make sure that you were fine with that. Should I try to spend less time over there?
Eloise: yes. you smell and i want you gone on the morrow
Colin: i mean, of course
Colin: but aside from my terrible scent. really, do you want me to fuck off?
Colin: i don’t want you to feel like im encroaching upon your life or anything
Eloise: i don’t, you know
Eloise: it’s been nice having you
Colin: it’s been nice being there. I really like your flat
Colin: mine’s all quiet and then i go over to yours and everyone’s always laughing and smiling. it’s nice.
Eloise: you make pen smile. I love seeing her smile, and i even like seeing you smile sometimes
Colin: you sometimes want me to smile?? my little sister eloise bridgerton roots for my happiness??
Eloise: yes well, try not to let your head get too big
Colin: it’s just nice when someone i love wants me to hang out at her flat and experience occasional joy
Eloise: love you too (begrudging)
Colin: can’t believe anne and alice brought this out in you
Colin: gonna start telling people you love me more than them, even
Eloise: don’t get carried away
14th June
Pig Party 🎉
Penelope: @Hyacinth, do you know how fast guinea pig teeth grow??
Penelope: Also, fun fact, guinea pig teeth *never stop growing*
Penelope: So if you don’t feed them enough hay you have to trim them? Or they get so uncomfortable the poor things can’t eat?
Penelope: Just making sure we’re providing enough hay
Hyacinth: pen my dear sis fear not as I would never allow for a scenario where the boys might have to have their teeth trimmed
Hyacinth: they’re sufficiently hayd at all times
Hyacinth: Colin don’t even think about saying hay girl hay or whatever you’re about to
Colin: what is the point of being the master of puns if you all keep making my jokes before me??
Colin: also, penelope featherington, you are a nerd
Colin: 😍
Penelope: I’m just trying to maintain my status as the only adult in this chat
Colin: never mind the fact that I’m older and therefore indisputably wiser
Colin: how quickly they forget my wisdom
Eloise laughed at “how quickly they forget…”
Penelope: @Hyacinth @Eloise I’m going to leave this one open for one of you
Eloise: you have got to stop lining these up for us colin. do you not respect yourself at all?
Eloise: “my wisdom” 💀💀
Colin: Make fun of me all you want, but I’m currently sitting on your couch watching a film with your roommate while a perfect guinea pig bubbles in the crook of my neck, free from society’s strictures
Colin: and do you know where you are? teaching whiny undergrads that you hate.
Colin: so tell me who’s really wise here and get back to me
Eloise: consider the list of whiny people hated by eloise increased by one 😒
Penelope: Just a boy and his pig
Hyacinth: i think u mean my boy and a pi[gunshot]
Penelope: You’re gonna have to be the one to remind him
Colin: which one needs reminding? me or anne?
15th June
Eloise & Penelope
Eloise: penelope, my dear penelope?
Penelope: Yes, Eloise, my darling flatmate, who is very likely texting me from the other side of a wall
Penelope: What’s up?
Eloise: i’m just… like hyper aware that my family’s chaos has completely taken over our nice, quiet lives. and it’s one thing for them to do it to me, but you never agreed to all this
Eloise: worried we’re sort of collectively taking advantage of your kindness a bit tbh… as per
Eloise: you would tell me if it was too much, wouldn’t you? i’d gladly tell them all to piss off if you wanted a bit of peace (we could keep the pigs, just change the locks and refuse to come out)
Penelope: For the last time, we *cannot* keep the pigs because that’s pignapping and Hyacinth would burn our entire building to the ground
Penelope: But seriously—I love your family, and I love being part of the Bridgerton chaos, in (almost) all of its forms
Penelope: You know it’s like getting to live out the childhood I never had with my own sisters
Eloise: you’re sure? you’re sure you’re sure?
Penelope: I am cross-my-heart positive
Penelope: But I really appreciate you checking in about it
Eloise: okay, as long as you’re happy
Eloise: it’s sort of nice actually, isn’t it? having colin around. reminds me of when we were all little
Eloise: don’t tell him i said that
Penelope reacted 🤐to “don’t tell him…”
Penelope: My lips are, as always, sealed
Penelope: But yeah, it’s been really nice having him around more
Penelope: Feels like it’s more than he’s been around collectively in a while
Penelope: Like I’m getting to know him better these days, you know?
Eloise: yeah, i know what you mean actually. i don’t always realise how long he’s been gone until he’s back
Eloise: fucks sake. looking after those guinea pigs is making me soft
16th June
Transcription — Piggy Cam #1, Tuesday, 16th June, 2026, 17:52.
“Oh! Hello! Fancy meeting you here. You’d think I’d be used to seeing you around by now.”
“Sorry to disappoint! How was corporate hell?”
“Another day in paradise or whatever they say. What have you been up to today?”
“I got here a few hours ago, fed and watered the boys, made some snacks for our Anne-sequel watch party. Now Alice and I are reading together.”
“Oh snacks sound heavenly—are they now snacks because I’m starving. And then back to Avonlea?”
“Yeah! Can you get it started while I heat some of the food up? Just give me five minutes.”
“…”
“…”
“In those moments alone… as my fingers trace freckles from cheek to collarbone… or as I watch starlight dance across skin… I marvel at how one can feel such intimacy but also such great distance…”
“…”
“What are you doing?”
“Colin! I–Nothing!”
“Really? Because it looks like you’re reading my journal, Penelope.”
“I didn’t mean to. I just wanted to know what you were reading.”
“And once you realised that it was my handwriting you just… kept reading?”
“I should have stopped, I know, but I couldn’t…”
“Couldn’t what? Respect my privacy?”
“Couldn’t stop reading, Colin.”
“Do you not understand how humiliating it is to have someone look at your writing when your back is turned? What the fuck, Penelope?”
“I know it was out of line to invade your privacy, but why is this humiliating for you? If anything, I’m the one who’s mortified.”
“Because… because now you saw my shitty fucking writing, and that’s the last thing I wanted.”
“What do you mean shitty? Why do you think I couldn’t stop reading?”
“Because it’s embarrassing? Like watching a traffic accident. You were rubbernecking my fucking journal.”
“You’re right that I couldn’t look away—because it was amazing. I only read two lines of your fucking journal and I couldn’t put it down.”
“Gee, thanks. And I’m sure that would mean a hell of a lot to me if I’d asked you to read it instead of catching you with it.”
“What difference does that make?!”
“If I’d asked you to read it and you told me you liked it, I would know you were being honest. Right now you could be chatting shit because I’m angry and you don’t want to make me angrier. How am I supposed to know either way?”
“So after all these years of knowing me, you think I’m a liar? Is that why me specifically reading it is the last thing you wanted?”
“What? No, no I–”
“No, I’m not a liar? Or no, that’s not why you didn’t want me to read it?”
“No, I don’t think you’re a liar. Christ, Penelope.”
“Then tell me why you specifically didn’t want me to read it.”
“Because… because… I… you know what, Penelope, if you’re going to try to turn this around on me you can fuck right off, actually. I’m leaving.”
“Fine!”
“Fine!”
-End of Transcript-
17th June
Pig Panic 🗣️ 🐾🧎♂️🐹
Eloise: gang what’s happening? hyacinth is chomping at the bit for new pigtok content. i said you were handling it @colin
Colin: sure. i’ll take care of it.
Eloise: well where are you then? why am i suddenly taking the bins out again, and hoovering up guinea pig poos?
Colin: i need a bit of a break. maybe i can get there tomorrow. not sure.
Eloise: this feels anti feminist
Eloise: in the sense that i’m a woman and i don’t want to do it
Today 4:09 PM
Eloise: wow, tough crowd today
18th June
Hyacinth & Eloise
Eloise: something is wrong
Hyacinth: shit wdym
Eloise: idk what
Eloise: they’re being weird. and not like, flirty, normal, makes-me-feel-a-bit-sick-to-watch weird
Eloise: colin hasn’t been around in days, and penelope is barely coming out of her room
Hyacinth: wtf?!?!? this. i’m panicked
Eloise: i did a quick temp check on penelope a few days ago to see how things were going and they were both seemed fine. something must have happened.
Hyacinth: is it too creepy for me to check the pig cams for
Hyacinth: research
Eloise: yeah? idk… isn’t it a bit 1984 to start looking at that? and won’t there be hours of it to go through?
Hyacinth: sry have we met? do you forget who i am?
Eloise: ok fine you’re right. tell me if you find anything
19th June
Colin & Penelope
Colin: I was wondering if I could come over to talk?
Penelope: Eloise isn’t here. I don’t know who you’d talk to.
Colin: I was hoping to talk to you, actually.
Colin: I have some things I want to apologise for.
Colin: You don’t have to forgive me now or anything, but if I came round would you let me in?
Penelope: You still have a key
Colin: I wasn’t sure if you wanted me to use it after what I said.
Penelope: It’s fine, Colin. You can come over. I’ll see you when you get here.
Colin: Great news for me because i’m already outside your building
Transcription — Piggy Cam #1, Friday, 19th June, 2026, 21:13.
“Hey. I’m… I’m sorry I haven’t been over in a few days. Have… have you guys been alright dealing with the boys by yourselves?”
“We are actually capable of caring for them on our own.”
“Yeah. In hindsight I’m not really sure why Hyacinth got me involved. This was not a three man job.”
“Which is probably why there was only one man involved.”
“Okay, well, first of all… good one.”
“...”
“And secondly, I mean, well, more importantly—I want to say that I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have exploded at you like that about the journal. I just… I really care what you think about me. Probably too much. And then I fucked it by acting like a twat.”
“I wasn’t exactly in peak form either. I shouldn’t have continued reading once I realised what it was—and I don’t think I apologised for that, so I’m also sorry.”
“Thank you. I mean, it’s okay, really. I never would’ve acted like that if I didn’t… it’s just that it’s felt like these past few weeks we’ve been getting really close, you and I? With the boys and the texting and the meals and a truly ridiculous amount of Anne of Green Gables. And I didn’t want you to read my shitty writing or even shittier innermost thoughts and… and find something that you decided you didn’t like about me. I want you to want me around, y’know? I don’t want to… stop being here. With you.”
“Okay, I will say again that it wasn’t shitty writing, it was very good writing. But, Colin, short of you saying that you hate me or something, nothing you wrote in that journal would make me decide I didn’t want you around or didn’t want to keep spending time with you and getting closer. I’ve really loved having you around these last couple of weeks.”
“So maybe we could… keep watching Anne of Green Gables? Even after Hyacinth takes the boys back tomorrow? Or, you know, it doesn’t have to be Anne of Green Gables. I’m open to anything. Educate me on all beloved Canadian children’s programming.”
“Of course we can finish the series. And, if you want to keep spending time together once the boys aren’t here to give us a reason…there is technically a third miniseries. But you have to really want to spend time together if we’re gonna watch it.”
“Why’s that?”
“It’s…universally known to be terrible.”
“I think I still want to watch it if I’m watching it with you.”
“As long as I’m allowed to make snarky asides, I can sit through it one more time.”
“Look, Pen, it’s… it’s not actually about telly or the pigs or anything like that. The other day I was thinking about how we grew up together and I realised that I can actually remember the first time we met. I don’t know if you recall, but you were wearing this yellow hat and it blew off of your head and I fell off my skateboard, and… well, the point is. I remember it. And the more I thought about it, the more I realised that I remember so much about growing up with you. You’re in so many of my best moments, you’ve always made me… made me smile, and laugh, and see the world in ways I’ve never considered. And I think it means something. That I kept those memories for myself. That I didn’t, y’know. Let them go. I think it means something that you’ve been stuck in my head my whole life, even when I didn’t realise what it meant.”
“What…what does it mean?”
“Well. I… I think it means… God, I think maybe it means I love you? Not ‘you’re my little sister’s best friend’ love you. I think I really, properly love you. I think I have for a long time and I didn’t let myself feel it because I was away and then I put myself in your vicinity for, like, two weeks and couldn’t run away from it anymore. I think it was always on the edge, waiting to tip over. And I know I’m always too intense, and maybe this feels too fast to you, but I really think—”
-End of Transcript-
Hyacinth & Eloise
Hyacinth: lads and ladies we’ve got snogging sounds on bloody tape
Eloise: WHAT?
Eloise: WHAT? WHAT?
Hyacinth: you’ve got to be a mole but i’m nearly certain it’s them going at it
Hyacinth: they also got in a big fight but WHO CARES as it ended in them snogging and i am the world’s greatest matchmaker
Hyacinth: thrilling as I love being a puppet master and pen shall be our sister but also ick
Hyacinth: coz colin
Hyacinth: you’ve gotta go on recon I’m BEGGING
Eloise: hang on, let me see if i can squeak it out of them
Eloise: SQUEEZE
Eloise: my auto correct is pig pilled now thanks to u btw
Hyacinth: it’s fine to just admit you love the pigs btw
Pig Party 🎉
Eloise: @colin @penelope are we doing dinner tonight? our last supper before hyacinth comes home and takes the babes from us
Eloise: i just bought so much fucking lettuce from the corner shop
Eloise: helllooooooooo?
Hyacinth: and they were never heard from again
20th June
Pig Party 🎉
Hyacinth: actually dying over how excited I am to see my boys!!
Hyacinth: be there in 20
Today 9:48 AM
Hyacinth renamed “Pig Party 🎉” chat “so it’s guinea be forever 🐹🩵”
so it’s guinea be forever 🐹🩵
Hyacinth: so happy for aunty pen and uncle colin but -8/10 recommend walking into the flat without knocking @eloise
Hyacinth: anyone have an in on guinea pig therapy?
Today: 17:58 PM
Eloise: add me to that therapy session
Eloise: the horrors i have just witnessed
Eloise: can i sleep in your room tonight hy?
✨El Fin✨