Archive of Our Own

If Alucard wanted to place blame, he could have placed it on the young child who technically started the whole thing, with his bright and eager, "Mr. the Alucard, when I grow up, I want to be just like you!" He wasn't about to blame a child, though, even one who inexplicably refused to drop the article from his name; he wasn't a monster.

He supposed he could blame himself, since he was the one who'd smiled at the boy and replied with a gentle, playful, "Well, you won't have to wait long until you're my age, anyway." But he wasn't going to blame himself for answering the boy truthfully, and anyway, this whole thing was absolutely not his fault.

If he wanted to place blame, he decided, the best person to place it on would be Greta. That wasn't an uncommon situation for him, and he imagined it would only get worse the longer he spent with her. This time, it was her fault because she was the one who overheard his comment and asked, "What's that supposed to mean?"

And Alucard - innocently! just trying to be truthful! - replied by saying, "Dhampirs mature more quickly than humans. Technically, I'm nineteen."

And that, although he wouldn't know it until later, was when all hell broke loose.

The villagers mostly started out small. At least, Alucard thought they did; he would freely admit (to himself, at least) that he had little experience in dealing with people, especially on this level, and the villagers could actually act very strangely before he would notice. He didn't think they were acting too strangely, though, at least not at first. Yes, some of the women adopted a new tendency of patting his head or shoulder and calling him a sweet boy whenever he helped them, but he figured that was just gratitude. And if some of the men started trying to teach Alucard things whenever they saw him, he figured it was just them wanting to pass on knowledge as much as possible, for the good of the village.

It was a little strange that so many of them kept inviting him to stay for dinner, but he knew that pretty much everyone still found the castle unnerving and couldn't understand why he wanted to live there, so it was probably just people thinking they were being kind by giving him an opportunity to stay away from it longer.

If the villagers had stuck with that, Alucard wouldn't have noticed that they were up to anything, and his life could have continued uninterrupted. Unfortunately, they stepped it up.

"Did she just call me son?" Alucard asked Greta, watching the middle-aged woman who had patted his cheek and definitely called him son as she returned to her home with the medicine he'd made for her husband's bad knee.

"She did," Greta agreed. Given her lack of follow-up, she didn't seem to think any explanation was necessary. Alucard vehemently disagreed.

"Why?"

Greta snorted. "Probably because you're a baby."

"I'm a what?"

"You're only nineteen," Greta said in a voice that was a bit too amused to be as helpful as she was pretending to be. "You said it yourself. That's hardly old enough to be on your own."

"That- I also said that dhampirs mature faster than humans. I've been an adult for years. And nineteen is absolutely old enough to be on your own, fuck you."

"So you're saying that, in nineteen years, when your kid says they want to go out on their own, you won't have any problem with that?"

Alucard thought about that for a moment - thought about the child that Sypha and Trevor had created, the child he was privileged enough to also be able to consider his own, the child who was due in just over a month but was already so, so loved - and scowled at Greta. Given the smug look on her face, she knew exactly what his answer was.

"That's a parent's prerogative," he stated in his most superior (or, as Trevor called it, prissiest) voice.

Greta gestured widely at the village. "They think so too."

"Yes, well, that doesn't explain why they're acting like that towards me. My parents are dead."

"And I think at least half the village wants to change that."

"They want to bring my parents back to life?" Alucard asked, baffled. "Did we not just go through a battle that showed exactly why that would be an incredibly bad-"

"Oh my god, Alucard," Greta groaned. "You are so incredibly thick sometimes. Half the village wants to adopt you."

Alucard gaped at her. It was definitely undignified. He quite possibly looked like a fish. Greta had seen worse.

"They want to what?"

Greta patted him on the shoulder. "Congratulations on all the new parents."

It was official; Greta was the worst, and Alucard never, ever should have befriended her.

Trevor and Sypha were, predictably, absolutely no help.

"You're going to stab yourself with your knitting needles," Alucard told Sypha sourly as she doubled over in her seat, laughing so hard she looked like she was about to cry. One of the women in the village had recently taught Sypha how to knit. Alucard wondered if she was one of the people who apparently thought he was a child who needed raising.

"I'm just surprised it took you this long to catch on," Trevor said, smirking as he oiled his whip. "Some of the villagers were really not being subtle."

"I'm sorry I took their kindness at face value," Alucard huffed. "I thought perhaps they were grateful for the fact that I've saved all their lives at least two times over, not that they thought I'm an infant."

"Oh, Alucard, I think it's sweet," Sypha said, reaching for his hands. Alucard let her take them, but he wasn't going to let her make him feel better about this. "They're all just trying to help you."

"I don't need help! I'm perfectly fine!"

Trevor made a disbelieving noise.

"Oh, are you trying to say that you're a more functional adult than I am?"

"At least I'm a proper adult," Trever countered. "Sypha, are we cradle-robbing?"

"I'm not a baby!"

Sypha giggled. "You are sort of a baby."

"Even if we set aside the fact that dhampirs mature more quickly than humans, I'm nineteen. That's not a baby!"

"Eh, you're still a teenager." Sypha patted him on the head. Alucard swatted her hand away with a scowl. "That makes you a baby."

"You're not that much older than me."

"Yes, but I'm not a teenager, so I'm not a baby."

"You know," Trevor mused, "you did spend a full year sleeping beneath Greșit. Does that year even count?"

"I was still alive in that year, wasn't I?" Alucard countered. "It counts. I was born nineteen years ago, so I'm nineteen. Which might be on the younger side for humans, but is completely fully-grown for dhampirs because, as I have said a million times, we mature more quickly than humans!"

"Yes, but you're also immortal, right? Probably? So nineteen is nothing, compared to how long you could live. You're absolutely a baby."

"Trevor Belmont, I am going to end you."

Trevor shrugged. "You can try, but if Death itself couldn't manage it, I don't know what hope you have."

Alucard tried to remind himself that he did actually love Trevor very much, and he would be sad if he died. It was difficult.

"I'm going to go back to Greșit," he grumbled, aware that he sounded petulant and probably like the child he absolutely wasn't, "and I'm going to go back to sleep until everyone's come back to their senses."

"Aww," Trevor cooed, an incredibly obnoxious smirk on his stupid face, "does the baby need a nap?"

Well, Alucard thought, that settled it; Trevor Belmont had to die.

And Sypha would be next, if she didn't stop giggling.

The problem with being the sort-of head of the local village was that there was always something to do and always someone who needed you. Alucard minded this less when he wasn't actively trying to avoid everyone who was being stupid and/or annoying, which was unfortunately most of the village.

The only people he didn't mind spending time with were the children, who were treating him much the same as always. He'd been a bit worried that their parents would have poisoned their minds, but most of the ones he spent time with didn't have parents at all, and the children had always treated him as something between an older brother and a father anyway. None of them thought he was a baby. Given that most of them were highly offended at the idea that they might be babies, he doubted they'd turn that around on someone who was certainly older than them.

He briefly wondered if that meant his insistence that he wasn't a child was, in fact, childish, but dismissed the idea. He wasn't a child, it was just a fact. He wasn't being childish if he was simply stating a fact.

You keep believing that, Trevor's amused voice murmured in his mind, but Alucard pushed it aside. He'd spent quite enough time imagining what Trevor or Sypha would say to things; he had the real things now, and they were invariably more irritating than he'd imagined them (Trevor especially), so he didn't need them in his head like this anymore. Arguably, they shouldn't have been in his head like that at any point, but Alucard was well past worrying about that. He was an adult, he'd die on that hill, but he'd never argued that he was a particularly well-adjusted one.

When he wasn't spending time with the children, Alucard decided it was best to do work in the areas where no one else was working. There was rubble on some of the upper castle balconies where no one but him ever went, so he cleared it. Some of the rooms deep within the castle, rooms that Trevor and Sypha may or may not have known even existed, were a disaster, so Alucard cleaned them up. Since Trevor bequeathed it to him, Alucard had spent more time working on the Belmont hold than the castle, but there were other people in the hold, so he decided it was the castle's turn.

He couldn't entirely avoid people, as much as he may have liked to - Trevor and Sypha would absolutely track him down if he disappeared for too long, and Greta wouldn't be far behind - but he was definitely avoiding them more than usual. He wondered, hopefully, if the villagers would take the hint.

They did not.

"What is that?" Alucard asked flatly as he looked down at the basket left on the castle steps. It was clearly addressed to him, but he had no idea what he was supposed to do with a basket full of… socks? And blankets? And some other clothes, he thought, although there was too much covering them for him to be sure without looking through the basket more thoroughly.

"A gift from the villagers," Greta said. "They all put it together. I think they're worried about you getting cold in the night, or not having enough clothes to wear."

"Why?"

"Because your castle is drafty as fuck, and you always wear the same outfit."

"I like this outfit," Alucard countered, trying to keep his voice from sounding petulant. "And I do wash it. I'm not an animal."

"Oh, good. I figured you knew how to wash your own clothes, but a few of the village women have been asking if you needed help with laundry," Greta said. "I told them you probably had it under control."

"Of course I can do my own laundry! I'm not-" Alucard cut himself off and groaned loudly. "Is this another attempt to adopt me?"

"Well…"

"How can I convince them that I don't need to be adopted?" Alucard asked, aware that he sounded a bit like he was begging. "I'm an adult, I swear."

"Oh yeah, that's a super adult thing to say."

"Greta."

"Look, you might mature faster or whatever, but you're still nineteen. You only have nineteen years of life experience. You're a good decade younger than me. You're a baby, admit it."

"I will most certainly not, because I am not a baby." He shot Greta a wary look. "You're not going to start trying to adopt me now, are you?"

"Oh, no way. I'm too young to have a nineteen year old son, and you're too much of a mess anyway. You'd make any parent pull their hair out, and I happen to like my hair where it is."

"I would not," Alucard grumbled. He'd been a perfectly well-behaved child.

"Really? With all your death-defying stunts, and the way you throw yourself into danger every five seconds?" Alucard opened his mouth to respond, but before he could, Greta added, "And before you start whining, think about how you'd feel if your child did the crazy things you've done, like throwing themselves off a moving horse and attacking night creatures in the most dramatic way I've ever seen."

Alucard scowled. It was entirely unfair that Greta kept using Sypha's unborn child against him. Besides, it was different; he was a dhampir, while the child would be entirely human. He could take risks that humans shouldn't take, and, as he'd said a million times, dhampirs matured faster.

"You appreciated my dramatic ways at the time," he accused sulkily. "Seeing as I was saving your village from complete destruction."

"I can appreciate that you saved my village and think you were being dramatic and reckless at the same time."

"I don't need to listen to this," Alucard huffed, sweeping into the castle. He'd been planning to go do some hunting and foraging in the woods, but the castle was much better for avoiding people, and their stores would be alright for another day.

"Don't forget your basket!" Greta called after him, and it was only because Alucard didn't want to insult anyone, no matter how ridiculous the villagers were being, that he picked up the basket - with great dignity - and brought it inside.

He was, though, absolutely petty enough that he wasn't going to use anything inside it. He'd redistribute things to the children, or he'd offer things to Sypha and Trevor, but he didn't need babying, and he didn't need anything from the basket.

He hoped that might put an end to the matter, but he knew that it absolutely wouldn't.

"So," Trevor asked, "when are you going to be done with your books so we can do something interesting?"

"Get your feet off my desk," Alucard said without looking up.

"Even with my nice new socks?" Trevor asked, wiggling his toes in the socks that he'd gleefully stolen from the basket the villagers gave to Alucard. He hadn't actually had to steal them, given that Alucard had offered Trevor and Sypha their pick of anything they wanted, but Trevor seemed to be delighted by the thought that he'd stolen them, so Alucard would let him think it.

"I appreciate that your feet don't smell as awful as they usually do," Alucard drawled, ignoring Trevor's indignant hey! "I still don't want them on my desk."

"Cruel, heartless vampire," Trevor grumbled dramatically as he took his feet off the desk. "Cruel, heartless, boring vampire."

"Go bother Sypha."

"She's with the midwife." Trevor pouted. "They kicked me out."

"Not surprising," Alucard said, turning a page in his book. He'd more or less accepted that reading time was over now in favor of entertaining-Trevor time, but he wasn't going to let Trevor know yet that he'd given in. "Men tend to be more trouble than they're worth in the birthing room."

"They'd probably let you stay," Trevor countered petulantly.

"Yes, but I know enough medicine from my parents that I'd be helpful," Alucard countered patiently. "I've assisted in childbirth before, actually."

"You have?" Trevor asked, startled out of his sulking enough that he actually sat up properly.

"Mmm." Alucard finally closed his book and set it aside. "My mother was out helping a farmer who'd had an accident, and a local woman showed up at the door, halfway through labor. It was her first child, and I believe she was about a week early, so by the time she realized she was actually giving birth, her contractions were fairly regular and frequent. I didn't have time to fetch my mother, so I convinced her to let me help instead. She wasn't entirely sold on the prospect of a male midwife, but since the only other option was me leaving her alone, she agreed in the end." Alucard shot Trevor a look. "The father was panicked and completely useless."

"Yeah, yeah, men are more trouble than they're worth, you already told me that," Trevor dismissed. "You're still dating me though."

"More fool me, apparently."

"And I'm still dating you."

"Of course you are, I'm exceptional."

Trevor snorted. "Sure you are. So, how was the childbirth, then? Once you got rid of the useless man?"

"Smooth enough. My mother arrived before the actual delivery, but since I'd already been helping, I stayed. The baby and mother were both healthy, and the father managed not to pass out. Actually, I take back what I said before, he was good for something. His wife held his hand during the delivery. Nearly fractured it, if I recall correctly."

"Sypha can hold your hand," Trevor declared. "You're more durable, and you'll heal faster."

"I'm not the one who got her pregnant."

"I did my part. Your part is letting her shatter your hand during delivery."

"One of our 'parts,' as you call them, is far more pleasant than the other."

Trevor shrugged. "With the way the midwife was acting, I might not even be in the delivery room, so I won't even have the option of letting Sypha crush my hand."

"We'll have to assign someone to make sure you don't drink yourself stupid in your worry," Alucard said. "You wouldn't be the first man to do it."

"I'll hang out with the villagers," Trevor replied. "They'll all be celebrating their new collective grandchild."

Alucard sighed. He was only surprised it had taken Trevor so long to start teasing Alucard over his new favorite topic. "Unless you or Sypha is willing to be adopted, it won't be anyone's grandchild."

Trevor grinned his most shit-eating grin. Alucard wondered what he'd ever seen in him.

"The village's baby is going to have his own baby!"

"I am not-!" It wasn't worth lowering himself to Trevor's level, but it was still tempting to argue. "I'm going back to my book," Alucard declared instead, opening the book and pointedly raising it in front of his face.

"What are you even reading?" Trevor got up from his seat and walked around to stand behind Alucard, leaning very close to read over his shoulder. "Childhood development?"

Alucard pursed his lips. "My development was different from a normal human child, so I'm making sure I know what to expect."

Trevor hummed his agreement, then he leaned forward and pointed at an illustration of a toddler. "That's you."

Alucard was entirely right; men were more trouble than they were worth.

It was true, Alucard supposed, that no good deed went unpunished. He'd just wanted to catch a few of the fish Sypha was craving, and he'd caught some fresh meat for the village while he was out, and then he'd brought it to Greta so she could distribute it. Unfortunately, Greta hadn't been alone, and that meant that Alucard was now caught in a conversation.

"You're such a sweet boy," the older woman cooed, patting Alucard's hand. "Husbands should always spoil their wives when they're pregnant."

"Sypha and I aren't technically married," Alucard replied stiffly. Sypha had shown little interest in marriage as an institution, and given that she was a Speaker magician, Trevor was a Belmont, and Alucard himself was a dhampir, no church would probably wed them anyway, even if there weren't three of them. Alucard had suggested that just Sypha and Trevor get married for the child's sake, but neither of them seemed particularly concerned. Given that neither Sypha's nor Alucard's parents had been legally married, he supposed they knew well that it didn't actually matter when raising a child.

"You live with her, you care for her, you provide for her, and you love her," the older man declared. "Those are the most important parts of marriage anyway."

His wife cooed at him. Alucard shot Greta a desperate look that she entirely ignored. She could have gotten him out of the situation if she wanted to, but she was clearly far too amused by his plight to come to his aid.

"I'm glad the baby will have such devoted parents," the woman declared. Alucard tried to remember her name, but no one had said it since he entered Greta's house, and he knew he'd been introduced to her before, so he couldn't ask. The man, he was fairly certain, was named Stefan, unless he was mixing up Stefan and Filip, which was entirely possible.

"Indeed," Stefan or Filip agreed. "All children deserve parents who love them and care for them."

The conversation was beginning to get a little pointed. Alucard shot another panicked look at Greta. "I… I agree, of course."

"It's wonderful when people have parents they can go home to, even when they're grown up," Greta added, which was the exact opposite of helpful. "Especially when they're barely grown up at all."

Alucard wished he could kick Greta, but he couldn't do it unobtrusively. "Adults will always move on from their parents eventually."

"Oh, not entirely," the woman countered earnestly. "Our daughter got married five years ago, but she still comes around at least once a week to ask for advice."

"How old is your daughter?" Alucard asked, wondering if he could divert the conversation to her.

"Twenty-four," the woman replied. "She's pregnant with her third child now, but only two months in."

"It's nice to know that there will be multiple children in the village around the same age," Alucard said.

"Indeed!" Stefan - Alucard was almost positive he was Stefan - agreed. "It'll be lovely to have all the little children running around the village. And hopefully the ones born now will never know the suffering of their elders."

"We'll do everything we can to make sure they don't," Alucard promised quietly.

"You already take care of the little ones enough," Greta said, winking at Alucard. "They've got a better life here than they would in most villages."

"Many of the families have been taking in the little ones with no parents," the woman said. "But they all seem to prefer you, Alucard. The children rave about you."

"Ah, Mihaela, you're embarrassing the boy," Stefan scolded. "Look at him!"

"I enjoy spending time with the children," Alucard said, hoping his face didn't look as red as it felt. At least he'd learned the woman's name. "As you said, they all deserve parents to care for them."

"All children do," Mihaela agreed. "Even the ones who don't think they're children anymore."

And that was finally too pointed for Alucard to ignore. "I should get these fish to Sypha," he declared, standing. "It was lovely to see you. Greta, will you distribute the meat?"

"I've got it, Alucard," Greta agreed. "You're free to flee back to your castle."

Alucard wondered if Greta would ever be anything other than spectacularly unhelpful. He wondered if he'd ever stop expecting anything else.

"If you or your Sypha or your Trevor need anything, just come find us," Mihaela said. "The first child is the hardest, but everyone would be willing to help if you need it."

"Thank you," Alucard said, inclining his head.

"If you need anything," Mihaela reiterated, taking Alucard's hand, "we will help."

Greta was visibly barely holding back a laugh. Alucard wished he could make a face back at her, but unfortunately, both Mihaela and Stefan were looking at him very earnestly. For the first time, he thought he understood what Trevor meant when he said some people were so earnest that it made him break out in hives.

"…Thank you," he finally managed. "I appreciate it."

Mihaela patted Alucard's hand before letting it go. Alucard took the chance to flee. He didn't use his vampiric speed, but it was a close thing.

Truly, no good deed went unpunished. See if Alucard would ever bring fresh game back for the villagers again.

(Well, he absolutely would, but maybe he'd bring it right to the butcher instead of Greta next time.)

"I am so ready not to be pregnant anymore," Sypha groaned, leaning back against the sofa. "If Trevor ever tries to get me pregnant again, I'll light his dick on fire."

"You only intend on having one child, then?" Alucard asked, taking Sypha's feet into his lap and beginning to massage them.

"Oh, absolutely," Sypha replied, shifting slightly into a more comfortable position. Alucard knew how hard it was for her to get comfortable in any position, so he just did his best to keep massaging her feet seamlessly, even as the angle grew a bit more awkward for him.

"From the way Trevor's spoken about his siblings, he might be interested in having more than one."

"There are enough other children in the village," Sypha dismissed. "Anyway, you and I are both only children, and we're fine."

Alucard had always assumed Sypha was an only child, given that she'd never mentioned siblings, but she'd never confirmed it before. "Do Speakers generally only have one child?"

"We tend to raise children communally," Sypha replied. "So all children around the same age are sort of like siblings. Or cousins, maybe. But everyone pitches in with raising the children, whether they're their biological children or not. Some people have more biological children than others, but normally the families aren't too big. The caravans only have so much space."

Alucard tried to picture it, growing up with other children in a cramped caravan. It was practically the polar opposite of his own childhood, lonely in the cavernous castle.

"What about your parents?" Sypha asked. "Do you know why they didn't have any other children?"

The thought of his parents brought a familiar pang, but Alucard ignored it. "Pregnancy with a dhampir is difficult for human women. My mother was very ill before I was born. My father wasn't sure if she could survive a second pregnancy, so I was an only child."

Sypha made a sympathetic noise. Alucard focused on her massage, not daring to look up at her face.

"Did you spend time with other children when you were growing up?" she asked gently. "I don't imagine there were many children running around in the castle, but your mother was from Lupu, right? Did you spend time there?"

"It wasn't safe for us to spend too much time among humans when I was young," Alucard replied. "I grew too quickly, and we couldn't risk anyone noticing. And it took a while before I learned how to hide my fangs properly."

"So it was just you and your parents?"

"And my father's occasional guests," Alucard agreed. "Once I was old enough, I started accompanying my mother to Lupu sometimes, but that wasn't until I was around ten years old. And then, once I was fully grown, I started traveling, like my father."

"Well, our child will have friends in the village," Sypha declared. "And perhaps I'll let Trevor have one more. Or… Do you know if half-dhampir pregnancies are as difficult as dhampir ones?"

Alucard blinked. "I don't even know if dhampirs can have children. Many hybrids are sterile."

"Well," Sypha said with a slight smile, "it's something to think about, at least."

Alucard thought for a moment of a child made of him and Sypha, with her blue eyes and his blond hair, and his brain spluttered to a halt. Luckily, he heard the crashing of the castle doors below, which was a welcome distraction.

"ALUCARD!" Trevor bellowed at the top of his lungs, just loud enough for Alucard to hear. "SYPHA!"

"Trevor's back," Alucard reported. "And yelling, unsurprisingly."

"Would he even be able to hear you if you yelled back?" Sypha asked.

"Given that I can barely hear him, I doubt it. But if he thinks yelling like that will make me come find him, I'm afraid he'll be disappointed."

"He'll find us eventually," Sypha said, leaning back a bit. Alucard continued to massage her feet and didn't move. If Trevor wanted to find them, he could look for them like a civilized person. Alucard wasn't a dog who would come when called.

Eventually, Trevor did enter their sitting room. "This castle is too damn big," he declared, dropping into a chair. "How am I supposed to find you when you're holed up somewhere?"

"We don't use that many rooms," Alucard countered. "There are many others that you've never even entered."

"It could be worse," Sypha agreed cheekily.

Trevor groaned and slumped in his chair. "Too damn big," he repeated. "What are you two talking about?"

The fertility of dhamphirs, Alucard didn't say, although he was definitely thinking about it.

"How much I want to pop this baby out," Sypha replied. "I'm counting down the days until I can give birth and get it over with."

"Yes, then comes raising the child, which is widely considered to be the easy part," Alucard replied dryly.

"At least you two can help with that. If I could make you pregnant instead of me, I'd do it in an instant."

"Yeah, I'm glad you can't," Trevor replied with his customary complete lack of tact.

Sypha threw a pillow at him.

"It isn't long until you're due," Alucard remarked. "We ought to set up a nursery."

"Do we have any baby furniture?" Sypha asked.

Alucard thought for a moment. He wouldn't be surprised if his parents had kept his own baby furniture, but there were a lot of storage rooms in the castle, and he had no idea where such furniture would be.

Honestly, there was possibly an excessive amount of storage rooms, because the castle was perhaps bigger than it strictly needed to be. He wasn't going to admit that to Trevor, though.

"Perhaps," he finally decided on. "We'd have to find it, though."

"Or we could ask in the village," Trevor suggested. "We've got a whole bunch of people who'd love to do anything for their new grandchild. I bet someone can make a crib."

Alucard rolled his eyes as dramatically as he could, which was, if he said so himself, very dramatically. Sypha was good enough to mostly smother her giggle.

"As I already told you, unless one of you two is willing to be adopted, our child will not be the grandchild of anyone in the village."

"So cruel to your multitude of parents."

"Sypha, would you mind particularly if I killed Trevor?"

"No killing one of the fathers of my child."

"Even if he's highly irritating?"

Sypha made a show of considering it, then shook her head. "Even then."

"Drat," Alucard replied flatly. "I suppose I'll have to make him regret his actions another way, then."

"You're both hilarious, you know that?" Trevor said. "Honestly, Alucard, I'd say it's a bit childish of you-"

Alucard was very careful not to dislodge Sypha from her comfortable position as he lunged for Trevor. He'd wouldn't kill him, but he would make Trevor regret all of his life choices.

"Are you honestly flying away from me right now?" Greta called in amused surprise, which meant Alucard hadn't taken off fast enough when he heard her call his name. "I promise you, if you fly away from me, I'll tease you about it for the rest of your life, and it'll definitely be worse than anything you think you're escaping by flying away."

Alucard sighed, but he did lower back to the ground. "Maybe I have something important to do."

"Do you?"

"I could."

"I thought we friends," Greta said, putting a hand to her chest. "And you try to fly away from me when I call your name. I don't have to put up with this, you know."

"If anyone is 'putting up' with things, it would be me," Alucard retorted.

"You don't even know what I want to talk to you about."

"I know you well enough to know that I probably won't like it."

"You probably actually will this time," Greta replied. "It's a message from the carpenter. He said the crib will be ready in a few days."

"Why didn't he come to tell me himself?"

"Because he's scared of your big ugly castle, and I wanted to annoy you anyway."

"And you wonder why I tried to fly away from you," Alucard sighed.

"He also said you seemed really awkward when you asked him about the crib," Greta added. "You could have sent Trevor or Sypha to talk to him instead, if you were going to be weird about it."

"I was bringing him the wood for it already," Alucard countered. "Neither of them could carry it, so it made the most sense for me to talk to him."

"And be awkward about it?"

"It's the villagers' own fault if I'm awkward around them! I wouldn't be if I didn't have to worry that they were all thinking about adopting me every time I spoke to them!"

Greta looked at him for a moment, then burst out laughing.

"It's not funny," Alucard grumbled. "And don't you dare say that I'm a child who should respect my parents, because I've already had to fight Trevor over that this week, and I don't feel like fighting you over it too."

"The carpenter is younger than me," Greta told him. "He doesn't want to adopt you. He might have a crush on you, because I think most of the people who are within a decade of you in age have a crush on you, but he's not old enough to want to adopt you."

"Well, how am I supposed to know that? I'm old enough that none of them should want to adopt me, and yet they do!"

Alucard was also, to be honest, very bad at estimating human ages, but he wasn't about to admit that to Greta and give her one more thing to tease him about.

"I could make a list for you," Greta offered. "Or two. One of the people who want to adopt you, and one of the people who want to bone you."

Alucard was about to thank Greta for her uncharacteristically helpful suggestion, then he noticed the way her mouth was twitching, and he scowled. "I suppose you think you're very funny."

"I know I'm hilarious."

Greta was wrong, but it wasn't worth arguing with her about it. Alucard knew that from experience. Instead of bothering, he straightened his shoulders and lifted his chin. The effect would have worked better if he were wearing a cape or his long jacket, but he was adaptable.

"Tell the carpenter that he can send word to me when the crib is finished and I'll pick it up. Now, unless you have anything else to discuss, I do have other things to do."

"Sure you do," Greta agreed, disbelief heavy in her voice. "Other things like hiding from the villagers because you won't accept that you're a child who could use taking care of?"

"No, actually. Goodbye, Greta."

He was definitely flying away again, but Greta didn't call after him, so he didn't go back down. He was pretty sure she was laughing at him, but she laughed at him a lot, and he couldn't worry about it every time.

He wished she would make him that list. It would help him figure out which villagers he did have to hide from. He'd just have to keep hiding from them all, to be safe.

"Alucard, good news," Trevor said as he entered the kitchen.

Alucard eyed him warily. Trevor's idea of good news and his own didn't always overlap, and often, what Trevor thought of as good news was specifically and intentionally embarrassing for Alucard.

"Yes?"

"The villagers all seem to be focusing on Sypha's baby more than on you," Trevor said. "Maybe because they see him as their collective grandchild-"

"Belmont-"

"-but at least it should mean they'll lay off you."

"And how do you know this?" Alucard asked, narrowing his eyes.

"Because I had three people stop me and give me things for the baby," Trevor replied. "They're in a basket in the nursery. Everyone seems to think we're unprepared."

"Aren't we?"

It was something Alucard had thought himself, particularly in the last few days. They didn't have any baby furniture, he doubted they had baby clothes, and they lived in a massive deathtrap of a castle. They were entirely unprepared for a baby, and he couldn't believe it had taken almost until Sypha's due date to realize that. They couldn't even use most of his childhood things, because most of them had been in his childhood bedroom, and that hadn't survived Saint Germain trying to declare himself God inside it.

Perhaps, he mused, they wouldn't have used it anyway. Would a baby Belmont want to play with toys that were handmade by Dracula? What did baby Belmonts play with anyway? Baby whips?

If Alucard was even thinking the phrase "baby whips," he probably shouldn't be allowed anywhere near a real baby.

"Eh, we'll figure it out," Trevor dismissed, not sounding nearly worried enough about the fact that they were going to be responsible for a new life. "There are plenty of shittier parents out there. We can at least get points for trying."

"You do not get points for trying when you're raising a child."

"Sure you do. Besides, even if you don't want to call them your parents, we've got a village full of people who are definitely happy to act as grandparents and help out with the kid. Isn't there a saying about that or something?"

"How am I the one panicking about this when the child isn't even biologically mine?"

"Are we really surprised that you're getting nervous about something and I'm not?" Trevor countered. "And it doesn't matter who the biological father is, it's still your baby too."

"Yes, which is why I'm panicking!"

"You don't need to panic. You'll be a great dad. Besides, from what the villagers said, I think it's normal for new parents to start freaking out right before the first baby is born. You're just the one who's freaking out because you're the one who's the most likely to freak out in the first place."

"Fuck you."

"If you want, but maybe we should wait until you're done cooking."

Alucard had sort of forgotten that he was cooking. Nothing seemed to be burned, though, so at least his absent-mindedness hadn't done too much damage. He busied himself over the stove and pretended to ignore the way he could hear Trevor behind him, sitting down at the table and stretching.

When the stew was bubbling gently in a simmer, Alucard turned to Trevor. "What did the villagers give you?"

Trevor shrugged. "Mostly clothes and toys, I think. And the crib will be ready tomorrow, right? And Sypha's done with her baby blanket, so we're ready."

"We are not-"

"What else do we need?"

"We- Well-"

It wasn't that Alucard could think of any specific thing they were missing, it was just that he knew they couldn't possibly be ready. This was a baby, a new life, and they had to be prepared beyond a shadow of a doubt, and Alucard was doubting far too much for that to be the case.

"Look," Trevor said, "I know they're not your parents or whatever, but maybe you should talk to the villagers. It might be nice to get some tips from people who have done this before. It might even help you be less neurotic about it."

"I am being exactly the right amount of neurotic about this," Alucard huffed, but he had to admit Trevor's idea sounded like it could be a good one. It did, of course, require knowing the right villagers to ask for advice, but he could ask Greta for help with that. She'd never turn down an opportunity to laugh at him.

It would also require talking to the villagers, but hopefully if they had a conversation about a real baby, they would realize he wasn't one, right?

"Do you want to fuck me?" Trevor asked. "Might help calm you down."

"You are the worst," Alucard stated, but he checked that the stew would be alright unattended and then headed for the door, grabbing Trevor's arm on his way.

Trevor laughed at him the whole way to the bedroom, and even more irritatingly, Alucard did feel calmer afterwards.

Greta, once she'd stopped laughing, had suggested that Alucard talk to Stefan and Mihaela's daughter Ioana and her husband Andrei. "They're not too much older than you," she told him, "and they have two children. And they probably won't try to adopt you, so they won't be too scary."

"It doesn't scare me," Alucard tried to convince Greta, as he had tried to convince her many times before. "It's just irritating."

"Uh huh. Well, in case it did scare you, Ioana and Andrei won't scare you, because they're not going to try to adopt you. And they probably don't even have that big crushes on you, since they've been married for five years and they're very happy together."

"Do you take joy in being annoying?"

"Have you seriously not figured that out already? We've known each other for months."

Alucard didn't even dignify that with a response, just swept away to find Ioana and Andrei. It would have been easier, probably, if he'd let Greta introduce him, but that would require letting Greta start the conversation, and he had the feeling that was an awful idea. Instead, he asked the children who invariably would start to follow him around like ducklings every time he left the castle, and they took his hands and dragged him through the growing village until they deposited him outside a front door that they insisted belonged to Ioana and Andrei. Alucard wondered for a moment if he was stupid to trust small children, then figured he had no better options and knocked.

The woman who answered the door was pregnant, but only just barely visibly so. Alucard noticed the two heartbeats before he noticed the gentle swell of her stomach. Mihaela had said her daughter was pregnant, Alucard was fairly certain, so he hoped this was a good sign.

"Ah, are you Ioana?"

"I am," Ioana replied. "And you're Alucard, aren't you? What are you doing at my door?"

Alucard wondered if Greta had sent him to Ioana because they were friends; he had a feeling their bluntness would be compatible. "I wanted to ask about, er-"

Now that he was actually in front of her, the question seemed stupid, but she was watching expectantly, so he mumbled, "I don't know how to be a parent."

"Ah, your wife is about to give birth, isn't she?" Ioana asked. "You look about as panicked as Andrei was when I told him I was pregnant the first time. Come in, we can have tea while we talk."

Alucard stepped inside tentatively. "You have two children, I've heard?"

"Maria and Florin," Ioana agreed. She placed her hand on her stomach and added, "I'm hoping for another girl."

"Sypha is hoping for a girl as well," Alucard said. "Trevor hasn't said it, but I think he's hoping for a boy."

"Husbands normally do. And you?"

"I…" To be honest, Alucard hadn't thought too much about gender. "I want the child to be healthy and happy."

"And you're worried they won't be?"

"Not exactly, but…" Alucard resisted the urge to pace and sat instead. "I don't think I know how to be a parent. How do you figure it out?"

"You don't," Ioana replied, settling the kettle to boil and sitting across from him at the table. "No parent knows what they're doing. I'm going to have my third, and I still don't know what I'm doing."

"But… How do you decide what to do, then?"

Ioana shrugged. "You take your best guess. You talk to people who have done it before and listen to their advice. They can tell you what worked and what didn't."

"None of us have people to talk to," Alucard admitted. "Sypha's caravan is far from here, and Trevor and I…"

"It doesn't need to be family that you talk to," Ioana replied. "You can talk to me. Or you can talk to my parents, I'm sure they wouldn't mind. They've helped me a lot. They helped Andrei too. His parents died not long after our wedding. My parents took him in."

Alucard pressed his lips together. "Your parents are a bit… enthusiastic about helping."

"Oh, they're probably trying to take you in, aren't they?" Ioana asked. "Is it just them, or is it half the village?"

"It is a… not insignificant amount of people."

Ioana snorted. "I'm not surprised. We're a tight-knit community. We always have been, and then fighting off the night creatures only made us more so. And part of that means that anyone who doesn't have anyone ends up with a whole village full of people to rely on." She shrugged. "It's not the worst thing. They can definitely help with parenting tips, if you need them."

"I do not need to be taken care of," Alucard countered. "I'm not a child, no matter what everyone seems to think."

"It's not about being a child," Ioana replied. "Andrei wasn't a child when his parents died. Marcu came to the village alone when he was almost thirty, and everyone still took him in. It's about having a community, and having people who are there to help you when you need it."

"I have… never had much of a community before." Vampires were solitary creatures, and to be entirely honest, Alucard hadn't spent much time with humans until recently.

"That'll only make them worse. Look, if you want my advice, stop fighting it and just let people take care of you. And if you want my advice about having kids specifically, no one knows what they're doing with their first kid, but people who have done it before can help. Generally, just make sure your kid knows they're loved, and you can figure out everything else from there."

It sounded far too simple for that to be it. For half a second, Alucard wished he could talk to his own parents and ask them how they'd known what to do with him. For all their flaws, they had been good parents, up until their lives fell apart. But his parents were gone, and speaking to them wasn't an option, and it didn't do any good to dwell on it.

"Thank you," he told Ioana. "You've been very helpful."

"You think my advice was shit and you're wishing I'd given you a written manual," Ioana said. "First, that doesn't exist, and every kid is different, so it couldn't. And second, I don't know how to write."

"We're going to set up a school, for both children and adults," Alucard told her, grateful for the chance to speak about a slightly less emotionally fraught topic. "You're welcome to join, once we're able to get it started."

"You'll have to learn how to redirect people better than that once you're a parent. There, some advice for you."

Alucard felt his lip twitch upwards slightly. He was fairly certain Ioana and Greta did indeed have to be friends, and despite himself, he found he liked them both. Between that and his feelings for Trevor, he'd entirely despair of his taste if not for his attraction to Sypha. At least he wasn't completely hopeless.

Ioana stood and made them both tea, then she slid Alucard's mug over to him. "Ask me your questions, and I'll do my best to answer. I can't promise answers to everything, but I'll answer what I can."

"I… have quite a few questions."

Ioana snorted. "Yeah, I could have guessed that. Do your worst."

Alucard took a sip from his tea, then he began.

"Greta told us you were out talking with people in the village today," Sypha said that night, as they ate the leftover stew from the night before.

"Are you sick?" Trevor asked. "Or possessed?"

"You are not helpful," Sypha told Trevor firmly. "But… is everything alright, Alucard?"

"Everything is fine," Alucard assured her. At her slightly skeptical expression, he elaborated, "I was speaking with Ioana. Mihaela and Stefan's daughter."

Trevor frowned. "Are we supposed to know who that is?"

"I know who it is," Sypha said. "What were you talking about?"

Alucard spun his spoon in his stew. "I was asking for advice about… raising children."

"Wait, you actually took my advice and asked the villagers?" Trevor demanded. "I figured you'd just blow me off and keep stressing by yourself."

"Loath as I am to admit it, you do occasionally have good ideas," Alucard sighed. "And this one was… not awful. Ioana has two children and a third on the way, so she was able to provide me with many tips and suggestions for parenting."

"That's good," Sypha said with a smile. "At least one of us should be prepared."

"Oh, I'm certainly not prepared, but I'm slightly less unprepared than I was, I suppose."

"Alucard's been freaking out about the baby," Trevor told Sypha. "Getting all panicky. You know how he is."

"It would be nice if you could sound sympathetic and not dismissive," Sypha told Trevor firmly. "Besides, I've seen you worrying about the baby too, even if you won't admit it."

Trevor scowled. "I'm not worried about the baby. We can handle a baby."

"Can we?" Alucard asked.

"Well, Sypha can handle anything, and she always drags us along behind her, so probably."

Sypha rolled her eyes. "As flattering as that is, I don't really know what I'm doing here either. I've never had a baby before."

"Ioana suggested that we might ask the other villagers for support, when necessary," Alucard said. He carefully didn't look Trevor in the eyes as he added, "Some of the older members of the community would likely be willing to help."

"All the ones who want to adopt you?" Trevor asked. "You're actually willing to ask them for help?"

"I still don't think I need to be adopted, but Ioana made some good points about the importance of community, and I… I could perhaps be less… stubborn about accepting assistance."

"We could have told you that weeks ago," Trevor told him. "Months ago. Years ago."

Sypha smacked Trevor's arm. "It'll be good for all of us to have a community, especially the baby. Among the Speakers, we would always-"

She cut off mid-sentence, her eyes going wide. Alucard reached for her immediately. "Sypha? Are you-"

"My water just broke."

Alucard thought Trevor's eyes were going to bug out of his skull. "Your water- You're having the baby? Now?"

"The baby certainly thinks so," Sypha replied. "Someone should go get the midwife."

Trevor and Alucard stared at each other. "I'll go," Trevor said after a moment. "You actually know what you're doing with childbirth, so- I'll be right back."

He fled the castle like he was being chased. Alucard knelt next to Sypha's chair, reaching for her hands.

"How do you feel? Have you already been having contractions?"

"A few, but I thought it was false labor again." Sypha looked down at her wet robes and made a face. "I hadn't realized this would be quite so dramatic."

"We should get you up to the bedroom," Alucard said. "Walking around can be helpful during labor, but it's best to do it near a bed, just in case."

"You'd carry me if you had to," Sypha dismissed.

"I would, but it would be best if it didn't come to that. Shall we?"

Sypha stood, leaning slightly on Alucard, and they headed towards the bedroom. "You seem calmer than I expected," Sypha remarked. "I knew Trevor would panic, but I thought you would too."

"Ironically enough, this is the part of the process I have the most experience with. I've helped deliver a baby before, and I've had enough medical training from my mother that I know how to act in an emergency. Once the child is actually born, I imagine it'll be a different story."

Sypha laughed, then she hissed and tightened her grip on Alucard's arm. "I think the contractions are getting closer. They're still not very close, but they're getting there."

"We ought to track them as best we can," Alucard replied. "That was one, I assume?"

"Still having it," Sypha said through gritted teeth, her fingernails digging into Alucard's arm. "Ow."

Trevor burst into the hallway as if he'd been summoned by Sypha's pain. "The midwife is on her way. She said she had to gather some things, but she'll be here soon. That's okay, right? You haven't had the baby yet?"

"Labor normally takes hours," Alucard said. "It'll be some time until the baby is born."

Trevor looked from Alucard to Sypha. "Hours? It's going to take hours?"

"Why are you upset about it? You're not the one who's going to have to slowly push a human being out of your vagina!"

"No, but he will be panicking for hours," Alucard countered.

"And you won't be?" Trevor demanded.

"I'm perfectly capable of delaying panic until the baby is born, thank you very much."

"I swear to god, if you two argue through my whole labor, I will light you both on fire."

"Sorry," Trevor said quickly. "Sorry. Do you, uh, want to hold my hand?"

Sypha looked at him in confusion. "Why would I want to hold your hand? Not that I'm against it, necessarily, but…"

Trevor looked over at Alucard. "Alucard said that the last time he helped a woman give birth, she held her husband's hand."

"I believe I told you she nearly broke it," Alucard corrected.

"Yeah, but…" Trevor looked at Sypha. "If it would make you feel better?"

Sypha patted his cheek. "I'll do my best to break your hand later, okay? For now, we should probably go to the bedroom so I can pace the hall outside it until I can't move anymore."

"You're going to walk around?" Trevor demanded. "You're not going to lie down?"

"Walking is beneficial at this stage of labor," Alucard told him. "But we'll stay near the bedroom, just in case."

There was the sound of footsteps, and Trevor reached for his whip before realizing it was just the midwife. He was certainly jumpy, and while Alucard couldn't blame him, it definitely wasn't helping anyone else's nerves.

The midwife must have agreed, because she took one look at Trevor and said, "Go. You can come back later, but go calm down now."

"I-"

"Go." The midwife looked at Alucard appraisingly and added, "You go with him, but don't go too far. Keep him from drinking himself stupid, and stay close enough that you'll be able to hear if I call for you."

Alucard nodded, then he gave Sypha a kiss and passed her off to the midwife. He hated to do it, everything in him screamed not to go anywhere, but he knew it was for the best. The midwife knew what she was doing, and even with Alucard's medical knowledge, he would probably just get in the way.

He grabbed Trevor by the arm and dragged him down the hall, deciding that if he couldn't be with Sypha, he'd focus on keeping an eye on Trevor. Trevor would probably need it.

"Where are we going?" Trevor demanded.

"The kitchen."

"To get a drink?"

"The midwife just told me not to let you drink yourself stupid. You must have heard it."

"I can have a few drinks without drinking myself stupid."

"You're already stupid without drinking anything at all."

"Hey!"

"We," Alucard declared, "are going to clean up in the kitchen, and then we're going to finish dinner, and then we're going to wait until the midwife calls us. We are not going to drink, and we are not going to do anything stupid."

"I'm going to lose my mind," Trevor moaned.

To be entirely honest, Alucard felt similarly, but he wasn't about to admit it. Trevor was panicking, and Alucard knew what to do, so he had to be the stable one. He'd fall to pieces once this was done, he knew it, but he could hold it together for a while, at least.

They reached the kitchen, and Alucard pressed a mop into Trevor's hands. "Start cleaning."

"And then what?" Trevor demanded, although he did obediently start to mop. "Alucard, she's having the baby. She's having the baby."

"She is," Alucard agreed. "And if I think too much about that, I'm going to start screaming, so we're cleaning the kitchen."

Strangely enough, the confession made Trevor relax slightly. "I thought you weren't panicking at all."

"Oh, I'm simply better at putting it off, like I said. That hardly means I don't feel it. Now come on, let's get to work."

Trevor looked down at the floor. "Right. A nice clean kitchen for Sypha and the baby."

"Precisely."

"We're going to end up panicking down here until the midwife calls for us, aren't we?"

"Oh, most definitely."

Alucard was just about at his wit's end when the midwife finally yelled for him. He grabbed Trevor, who was attempting once again to sneak off to find a drink, and marched them towards the bedroom as quickly as he could go. He'd been able to hear Sypha the whole time, and her grunts of pain had gotten much closer together. In all likelihood, the baby was coming, and fast.

Alucard pushed down his panic, called on every bit of medical training his mother had bestowed on him, and entered the bedroom.

"Good, you both came," the midwife said. She pointed to Trevor. "You, comfort your wife."

Trevor moved forward immediately, not even putting up a token protest about Sypha being called his wife. "How close are we to the baby?"

"Very," the midwife replied.

"I think I'll hold your hand now," Sypha said, and Trevor let her grab it without hesitating for even a moment.

"Now, you," the midwife said, turning to Alucard. "You're going to be my assistant. Give me things when I ask for them, and do what I tell you to do, and soon enough, your baby will be born."

"Of course. Whatever you require."

"First, I need warm water." The midwife handed Alucard a bowl. "Your wife says there's magic in the castle that should make that easy to get."

Alucard could sometimes be perhaps a bit pedantic about the fact that the pipes in the castle were the product of science, not magic. This time, he took the bowl and ran.

The labor took hours. Sypha cursed her way through it, and Trevor let her do her utmost to shatter his hand, and Alucard followed the midwife's every instruction as quickly as he could. In the end, he was the second person to hold their daughter when she was born; the midwife eased her into the world, and then she passed her to Alucard, and Alucard brought her up to show Sypha and Trevor.

"Our baby," Sypha whispered, trailing her fingers along the baby's cheek. "Is it a boy or a girl?"

"A girl," Alucard said quietly, "and she's perfect."

Neither he nor the midwife had checked her over properly yet, but he knew she was perfect. She was their child; how could she be anything but?

"Guess we can't name her Trefor, then," Trevor said with fake disappointment, then he yelped as Sypha squeezed his hand again.

"I need to clean her and check her over," the midwife said, stepping up next to Alucard. "May I?"

Alucard passed the baby over, although he hated to let go of her. He watched as the midwife began to wash her, then Sypha took his hand and he turned to her.

"We agreed on Ann for a girl, didn't we?"

"I believe we did," Alucard agreed quietly. "Ann Belmont."

"I'm still fine with Ann Belnades," Trevor said. "Ann Belnades of Belmont. Or even Ann Țepeș of Belmont."

Sypha and Alucard shared a look, then they both shook their heads. "I have cousins to carry on the Belnades name," Sypha said.

"And I have no desire to carry on the Țepeș name," Alucard added.

"So Belmont it is," Sypha finished. "Ann Belmont."

"And here she is," the midwife said, bringing the baby back over. Little Ann was washed and swaddled in a fresh blanket, her wide eyes taking in the world around her. "Everything looks normal. I'll be in the next room if you need me."

She passed Ann to Sypha, who cradled her to her chest. "Hello, little one," she whispered, kissing her forehead. "Welcome to the world."

"It can be a shit place, but we'll keep you safe," Trevor promised.

Alucard didn't know if he'd ever been as happy as he was there, with his partners and their new baby, in a home he'd made full of people he could trust. It was a memory he knew he would cherish for as long as he lived.

"Hello, Ann," he whispered. "You will never be alone, and you will always be loved."

It was the best promise he could think to make, and he would do whatever it took to keep it.