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Sometimes Katsuki Bakugo felt like he was running a race alone, and no matter how fast he went, every step he took got him no closer to the finish line. It continued to move farther and farther away, keeping pace with him, continuously infuriating and unreachable. It was on those days that he felt more like his old self, the short-tempered boy trying too hard to do more than he was capable of and slowly imploding in the process.
Today was one of those days.
Nothing had been the same since the war. He thought that the end of the fighting would bring an end to that constant uneasy feeling that everything he’d ever worked for was about to crumble before his eyes along with the rest of the world, but believe it or not, it hadn’t. If anything, the feeling had only grown with his increase of free time.
After finally being released from the hospital, Katsuki spent weeks confined to his bed with nothing to do but stare at the ceiling and let his thoughts run rampant, allowing that all-too-familiar dread consume him. It had been a rough few months. Who was he kidding, it had been a rough year, almost two years even. First he’d been attacked by the stupid sludge monster before he’d even made it to UA, then on his first week there, the League had broken into the school, and then he got kidnapped. Then, as if none of that had been enough, they had been thrown into a literal war.
And then…Katsuki had died.
In the moment, none of it had really seemed real. To this day, he couldn’t fully recall what had happened in the coffin in the sky, or anything directly after. It was all a blur, a bloody haze of pain and fear and disgusting fingers everywhere. How he’d managed to get up and fight after being dead for several minutes on the battlefield was beyond him, and mystified every doctor he’d encountered.
Katsuki remembered fragments. He remembered being scared, thinking he was going to die, and thinking of everything he’d never get to do. The regret had nearly paralyzed him as he realized all the time he had wasted. Why hadn’t he asked All Might for his autograph? Why had he allowed his pride to keep him from getting closer to the people who cared about him? Why had he wasted so much time being an angry, bitter coward?
But more important than any of those things, why hadn’t he tried harder to reach Izuku’s level? Maybe if he had, he wouldn’t have died. If he’d worked harder, maybe Katsuki would’ve been strong enough to defeat Shigaraki on his own. Then Izuku wouldn't have had to give up One For All.
With the terror of those unanswered questions and the sting of regret fresh in his mind, Katsuki had vowed to do better. He swore to himself that once he was healed, he wouldn’t take his life for granted anymore. He’d make every moment count, armed with the knowledge of the chilling reality that any breath he took could be his last.
Katsuki had been lucky, extremely lucky, to get this second chance, and he wasn’t going to blow it this time. So after months of physical therapy and hopeless days spent drugged and miserable, he was horrified by how far he’d fallen behind and eager to speedrun toward his goals with renewed vigor.
“You are cleared to get back to hero training, but only if you take it easy. You won’t be able to jump back in and do what you used to do immediately, you have to take it slow. It is very important that you listen to your body as you start readjusting to your training regimen. The second something starts to hurt, you have to stop. Do you understand?”
Katsuki was barely listening, thoughts racing with all the things he had to do, all the habits he’d need to pick back up. He had a long way to go.
“Yeah, I get it, whatever.”
His parents, teachers, and friends were all acting just like the doctors, like he was made of glass. Constantly nagging him to “take it slow” and “be patient” and “not overexert himself” as if he didn’t know his own limits. It was incredibly annoying having people always watching him, acting like any second he’d keel over. He couldn’t exactly blame them, some of them had actually seen him die, but it didn’t make it any less irritating to deal with.
“Hey man, whatcha thinkin bout?” Eijirou interrupted his train of thought with a tap on the shoulder.
Speaking of his friends, they’d all become even more affectionate since the war. He didn’t hate it as much as he thought he would, except that they could be so physical sometimes. He’d never understood why people felt the need to grab each other all the time, or what the appeal of sitting so close to someone else that their skin rubbed against yours was. Katsuki couldn’t stand it. Recently he’d developed an almost aversion toward skin on skin contact and he didn’t know why. It was strange and illogical, but every hand on his shoulder or brush against his arm in the halls sent a jolt of revulsion through his body.
There was one thing he could think of that could’ve caused it, but he did his best never to think about that. He had enough fresh traumatic memories to deal with, he didn’t need to get stuck on the less recent ones. It was a stupid fear problem, so he tried his best to ignore it. He had sworn to be better, not to scream about everything and push his friends away for no reason, so he wouldn’t let this get in his way.
“Nothing,” he lied.
The redhead hummed, looking unconvinced, but didn’t push the subject.
“We were thinking of doing a game night tonight, you in?”
Technically Katsuki didn’t have any urgent tasks to do that night, but there was always stuff he could get ahead on. He should probably spend the time training instead, maybe get in some quirkless sparring. Icyhot and Izuku were usually down to spar, and if they weren’t available he could do quirk training on his own. He couldn’t afford to waste precious time doing frivolous things with his friends.
“Nah, I gotta train,” he replied.
Eijirou gave him a puzzled look.
“It’s Friday man,” the boy said, as if this changed anything.
“So? You think All Might didn’t train on Fridays? You don’t become number one by slacking off on the weekends,” Katsuki reasoned.
His friend’s brows furrowed slightly, face morphing into a concerned expression that Katsuki was much too used to seeing on everyone lately.
“You’re taking it slow though, right? You can’t overdo it while you’re still healing--”
“Yeah yeah, I know,” Katsuki cut in sharply, irritation bleeding into his voice. “I can take care of myself, I’m not an idiot.”
Eijirou’s expression was skeptical, but luckily was interrupted by the rest of the group barging loudly into the common room before he could continue to nag. As they got caught up in conversation, Katsuki shot Izuku and Shoto a quick message in their group chat, seeing if either of them could spar. And no, Katsuki did not make or voluntarily join said group chat. It had been started by Half and Half, who had named it “The Big Three” because apparently some students had taken to calling them that, which was extremely corny in Katsuki’s opinion (though admittedly he did take a little pride in the title).
In typical Izuku fashion, Izuku answered within seconds.
Nerd
Sorry we’re going to karaoke tonight! You’re welcome to join if you’d like! I know it’s not really your thing but we’d love to have you :) No pressure though if you don’t want to!! 💚
Katsuki rolled his eyes, a fond smile tugging at his lips. The boy really never changed; he was always trying way too hard to make everyone happy.
Me
Nw. I’m good.
That was fine, he could just train on his own. He could use some solo quirk training time anyway. Katsuki glanced at the time. It was already 4 pm; if he headed back to his room now he could get ahead on his school work before dinner, then he’d make dinner, head to the gym, shower and get to bed. Well actually…if he moved the extra school work time to tomorrow he’d have more time to workout and still make it to bed by 8. But would it be better to do schoolwork now, workout slightly shorter and then get up early tomorrow morning and workout some more? If he made the best of his time he could do his workout tonight and schoolwork, and workout tomorrow morning. It would be tight, but he’d make it work. He needed to, he was catching up on the stuff they’d covered while he’d been out. Yeah, he’d make it work, he had to.
Katsuki couldn’t afford to waste any more time.
After his lengthy training session (or had it really been that long? How long did Izuku train for? Should he be doing longer sessions less frequently or short sessions more often? What would maximize the benefits?) Katsuki strode back to the dorms with purpose, drenched in sweat. He needed to hurry to the showers and get straight to bed, it was already 7:30 pm and he was planning to workout at 5 am tomorrow so he had to be in bed by 8 in order to get a solid 9 hours.
He would’ve made perfect time if he hadn’t been stopped on his way to the stairs.
“Hey look who it is!”
“Blasty!”
“Hey man, wanna join?”
The whole idiot parade had jumped up from their spots on the common room couch to bombard him, Sero quickly pausing their game of Super Smash Bros as the others threw their remotes down haphazardly to greet him. Ashido approached quickly with her arms spread wide, much to his displeasure.
“I have to shower,” he said plainly, gesturing to his sweaty figure, hoping to dissuade the girl from embracing him. Unfortunately this had zero effect, as she pulled him into a bear hug anyway.
“We missed you,” she whined.
“Ugh, get off,” he groaned, shoving her away. “You literally saw me two hours ago.”
Ashido gave him sad puppy eyes, to which he responded with an eye roll. She was by far the clingiest of all of them (rivaled only by Denki) and it drove him crazy. No matter how much irritation he displayed at her affection, she wouldn’t relent. He didn’t know how to be any clearer without blowing her face off.
“Yeah but you never hang out with us anymore!” Denki chimed in.
“You’re so needy,” he scoffed, careful to neither confirm nor deny his claim.
“Come on, just play one round!” the yellow haired idiot begged, attempting to drag Katsuki toward the couch.
Irritation flared hotter in his stomach as he yanked his arm away.
“No. I told you I have to shower,” he snapped, probably harsher than necessary.
As usual, no one heeded the bite in his tone as any sort of warning sign, and continued to push his buttons.
“You can shower after, the bathrooms aren’t going anywhere,” Ashido insisted.
Katsuki let out his breath in a frustrated huff. They were wasting his time arguing over nothing. Why wouldn’t they just take no for an answer?
“I’m going straight to bed after,” he said with a tone of finality, turning to leave.
“Huh? Dude, it’s only 7:35!” Sero exclaimed.
Katsuki grit his teeth, trying not to scream at them. He’d been trying his best to be a better friend lately, but they really tested his patience sometimes.
“I know, I’m going on a run tomorrow morning,” he explained, hoping this would get them off his back.
“But tomorrow’s Saturday?” Denki interjected, looking genuinely puzzled.
He was tired of justifying his decisions to these people. It wasn’t their business what he was doing and why. Katsuki didn’t understand why everyone made such a big deal about the weekend, it was just another day filled with hours that could be spent doing productive things rather than sleeping the day away and slacking off.
“I am aware,” he bit back.
He began to head toward the stairs once again only to be halted in his tracks by a hand on his shoulder, causing him to jump in surprise. As much as he despised ordinary physical contact, he loathed being touched from behind. It had been a problem ever since he’d been kidnapped. Simple touches he wasn’t expecting sent an electric jolt of fear through his body. It was stupid and humiliating, and made anger flare in his chest. There was nothing he hated more than feeling weak and scared.
“Stop touching me!” Katsuki shouted in a blind surge of fury, shoving Denki away hard, “Will you just leave me alone for five seconds? You’re so annoying!”
The boy stumbled back, his bright yellow eyes widened with hurt. The sight caused regret to pool in his stomach like acid, eroding at his insides.The rest of his friends stared silently, looks of shock freezing their faces. Katsuki felt his face burning bright red and quickly turned away so they wouldn’t see. His heart thumped loudly in his ears, chest tightening ever so slightly. Why had he overreacted like that? He’d been doing so much better at keeping his temper in check, and now he just messed it all up.
The voice in his head hissed louder than usual. Classic Katsuki Bakugo, berating his friends over nothing and pushing people away for no reason. What a jerk. He hasn’t changed one bit.
He left the room hurriedly without looking back, unable to explain himself and afraid of the expressions he’d see on their faces.
Katsuki woke up with his heart racing, entire body tense and aching. The content of whatever nightmare had disturbed him quickly faded but the feelings lingered, leaving him in a state of fight or flight. He fumbled for his phone, checking the time. It was 4 in the morning, an hour before he had planned to get up. Thumbing through his notifications, he noticed a few texts from his friends.
Dumb Hair
Hey man, everything okay? It’s not like you to go after Denki like that.
Dumb Hair
You know I’m always here for you right? We all are. Please let me know if you ever need to talk!
Katsuki’s chest constricted as he was reminded of the incident in the common room. Right, he was gonna have to deal with that today. Or maybe he could just avoid them all until everyone forgot about it.
Pikachu
Hey sorry if I crossed a line earlier, I didn’t mean to upset you!
Pinky
You need to talk to Denks, he won’t say it but I think you hurt his feelings.
No, he couldn’t avoid them, he needed to apologize to Denki for blowing up in his face. The thought made his skin crawl. After the war, he’d started making a lot more effort to be a decent friend and take accountability for his actions, but that didn’t make it any easier. He flopped onto his back, exhaling deeply. He’d try to shoot for one more hour of sleep to reach his full 9.
____
When Katsuki next opened his eyes, it was far too light out for his liking. He shot up in his bed, eyes darting to the clock in alarm. To his horror, the digital numbers read 9:00 am. How the hell did he oversleep so badly? He never slept in, not on weekends or even holidays. Even if he forgot to set his alarm, his body usually woke him up naturally, so he had no idea how this could have happened. Had he overtrained yesterday and exhausted himself yesterday? No that couldn’t be it, his session had been just as long as he normally did…
Katsuki couldn’t waste any more time thinking about it than he already had from sleeping late. He swung onto his feet, slipping on his running clothes hurriedly. If he was quick, he could still fit in his run and have time to get ahead on schoolwork.
He thought someone might've called his name as he rushed out the door, but he was too focused on his objective to care. He had to get back on track, he had to make up for his mistakes this morning, he had to stop falling behind. With those thoughts swirling rapidly in his mind, he began his run.
Katsuki’s run went so poorly he almost cut it off early. He was way more out of breath than usual, his heartbeat beating against his ribs like a war drum. He hadn’t gone on a long run in a while but he’d been doing plenty of cardio, why was this so much harder than usual? Maybe he hadn’t been doing enough, and now he was falling out of shape. The thought sent a chill down his spine. He’d thought he’d been doing decently, but he couldn’t even go on a run like he used to without feeling like he was dying. What the hell was wrong with him?
The blonde walked into the dorms with his head swarming, feeling all out of sorts. He was so lost in thought he almost ran straight into Dumb Hair.
“There you are! Dude you scared me!” he exclaimed.
Katsuki shot him a look, continuing toward the kitchen as the redhead followed.
“What are you talking about?” Katsuki replied, struggling to keep the breathlessness out of his voice.
“I’ve been trying to get a hold of you all morning! When you didn’t answer my calls or texts, I checked your room and you weren’t there--”
The blonde patted his pockets, realizing only now that he must’ve left his phone in his room in his rush to get moving. His heart continued to hammer in his chest.
“I was on a run,” he said plainly, contemplating his options in the fridge as the boy continued to follow him.
“Well yeah that’s what I figured but you had said you were waking up early so I thought you would’ve been back by now--”
“Overslept by accident,” Katsuki replied, as he grabbed some eggs and a pan.
“Did the Great Katsuki Bakugo just say he overslept? I can’t have heard that correctly, right? There’s no way,” Tape Face chimed in, meandering into the kitchen behind them.
Katsuki shot him a lethal glare. Did it usually take this long for his heart to slow after a run? He still felt strangely winded.
“Shut up,” he barked.
“Still cranky I see,” the boy teased.
“Hanta,” Eijirou hissed, giving the boy a look.
“What are we gonna pretend he didn’t bite Denki’s head off for no reason last night?”
Katsuki’s chest tightened painfully, the feeling almost halting him in his tracks. What the hell?
“I’m sure there’s a perfectly good reason why Kats snapped at him, give him a chance to explain himself man,” the redhead argued.
He couldn’t bring himself to look at them for some reason, choosing to focus only on the task in front of him: breakfast. Only his head was scrambled and he couldn’t remember what he was making until his eyes grazed the egg carton. Right, eggs.
“He was being annoying,” Katsuki shrugged defensively. “I said I didn’t want to play and he kept pushing it, he never knows when to quit.”
“Well yeah, but you didn’t have to shove him over it,” Hanta said, sounding slightly irritated.
Katsuki cracked an egg with a little too much force, the slimy yoke dripping on his fingers. He felt really weird and he didn’t want to talk about this. Was it his imagination or was his heart speeding up rather than slowing down?
“He’s not five Tape Face, he’ll get over it,” he replied, voice thick with irritation.
The raven haired boy made an indignant noise, sounding ready to fight, but Eijirou cut in before he could say anything more.
“Kats, what’s going on? You haven’t snapped at someone like that in ages,” the boy said, uncomfortably close to Katsuki’s side. “Did something happen between you two?”
Katsuki groaned loudly, temper rising quicker than he could control. His chest was aching worse by the minute and it was starting to freak him out.
“He just pissed me off, it’s not that big a deal,” he brushed off with an aggressive handwave, hoping they’d take a hint and leave him alone.
The room was starting to shimmer at the edges of his vision and it was getting harder and harder to breathe, making him lightheaded.
“The hell’s got into you? You’re acting like the old you again,” Hanta snarled.
The statement was like a physical blow to the chest, knocking the remaining breath from his lungs. The boy was right, Katsuki had gone straight back to square one. He was acting like the cocky horrible first year version of himself again. Had he just lost all his progress in the span of two conversations? He’d been trying so hard to be better, he thought he’d changed, but maybe he hadn’t at all. Maybe there was something wrong with him deep down, something ingrained in his blood that he would never be able to change.
“Hanta! Not cool, man.”
“He started it!”
He could barely hear them arguing as the sound of his heart began to drown out their voices, beating faster by the second. Was something wrong with it? Oh god, was something wrong with his heart? Was he dying again?
A warm hand on his shoulder startled him so badly he dropped the egg he’d forgotten he was even holding. It splattered on the counter, splashing yolk and egg shell everywhere.
“Oh sorry, I-- are you okay man?” Eijirou asked, sounding worried. “You’re really pale.”
Katsuki clutched his chest, breath coming out in heavy pants. He couldn’t breathe, his chest was caving in on itself and his vision was tunneling. Was this it? Seriously? He’d made it through the rest of the battle and all the stupid physical therapy just for his heart to quit on him now??
“Oh crap, is he having a panic attack or something?” Hanta’s frightened voice asked.
No, they didn’t get it, this wasn’t some panic episode– it was different, it was more serious than that. He’d had his fair share of freak outs after everything but this was worse, this was bad. He needed to tell someone, he needed to warn them–
“Something’s…wrong, my…h-heart-” was all he managed to stutter out between gasps.
He couldn’t hear Eijirou’s reply through the ringing in his ears, he could only watch as his friend’s pale, frightened face slowly faded away.
Katuski’s consciousness returned in waves. The first thing he became aware of was the quiet hum of voices, their words muffled and unintelligible. His fingers grazed a soft surface underneath him as he blinked slowly, eyelids sticking together and as he struggled to squint up the blurry figures looming above him.
“....chan? Kacchan can you hear me?” a familiar voice asked, high with anxiety.
“Izuku?” he murmured, finding his tongue was heavy and lips slightly numb.
He rubbed his eyes and the nerd’s freckled face came into focus, along with the pale face of Eijirou. He vaguely made out the dark haired Hanta pacing tensely with a phone up to his ear out of the corner of his eye.
“Do you remember what happened?” Izuku inquired.
Katsuki shook his head sluggishly in reply. Everything felt so weird. His head was heavy and his chest ached. His vision had a strange, shimmery quality to it, the ceiling wavering before him as his eyes shifted in and out of focus.
“You fainted in the kitchen. We’re not sure why but Kirishima said you told him something was wrong with your heart. Does your chest hurt at all?”
Oh, it was sort of coming back to him now. It had been after his run. Katsuki nodded absently, a hand coming up to rub at his chest.
Izuku’s green eyes widened, and he exchanged a frightened look with the redhead. Katsuki groaned as a pair of cold fingers suddenly pressed against his throat.
“Why’re you touching me?”
The green haired boy raised an eyebrow.
“I’m just checking your pulse, it seems relatively normal right now. Was it beating really fast before you fainted?”
Katsuki gave an affirmative hum, hoping that would make the boy stop touching him. The room was beginning to solidify, his friend’s faces coming into sharper focus. He realized now that he was on the common room couch, his feet propped up on the armrest.
“Uh, Katsuki,” Eijirou scratched the back of his neck, looking uncomfortable. “Do you have a problem with touch?”
The blonde tilted his head in question. Why was Eijirou asking him about this right now? He still felt dizzy and slightly out of sorts, the last thing he wanted was to be interrogated. He understood the question but he wasn’t sure what kind of answer the redhead was looking for.
“What?” he ended up blurting.
Izuku’s gaze slid curiously between his friend and back to Katsuki, and he could see the gears turning in the boy’s head.
“You don’t like physical touch very much, right? I think that’s what he’s asking,” Izuku explained.
Katsuki wished he had the energy to come up with a better reply, but his head was still buzzing slightly too much for him to think straight. He wanted to defend himself, to say he wasn’t bothered by touch he just didn’t like it. He didn’t have a “problem” with it like Eijirou said and he wanted to say as much, but all that ended up coming out was:
“Yeah.”
Hanta luckily cut in before the matter could be discussed any further.
“Aizawa and Recover Girl are almost here.”
Katsuki grunted in affirmation, turning his gaze to the ceiling and rubbing his chest idly. He hated just laying there like an idiot but he felt vaguely nauseated and lightheaded, so he didn’t want to risk further humiliating himself by moving. After a few moments of awkward silence, Hanta spoke up again.
“Hey uh, sorry about what I said earlier…that wasn’t cool.”
The blonde looked over to see the raven haired boy fidgeting, a distinctly guilty look on his face.
“I had it coming,” he shrugged, which was completely true, he’d been acting like a jerk.
If anything, the boy’s expression only worsened. Did the idiot think he’d caused Katsuki to faint or something? That would be ridiculous.
“That didn’t make me faint, stupid,” Katsuki scoffed, slightly offended but simultaneously fighting the urge to laugh at his dumb friend.
“Well yeah, of course not,” Hanta replied, face slightly pink but the relief relaxing his features was telling.
“Do you have any idea what did cause it?” Izuku piped up, “Do you think something’s wrong with your heart? Maybe they did something wrong during surgery?”
Katsuki’s eyes met Izuku’s worried green ones, and he noticed belatedly how distressed the boy looked. The blonde had a bad feeling he was thinking of that horrible day. Of the coffin in the sky and his corpse on the ground, laid out for him as a “present.” No matter how much the boy pretended otherwise, he knew Izuku was haunted by that day. He knew Izuku felt responsible, even when he shouldn’t. He could see it in the way Izuku’s gaze would linger on his scars, eyes filled with regret. He knew the reason Izuku would sometimes visit his dorm in the middle of the night, wide eyed, sweaty and breathless.
He felt the strange obligation to reach out and grab Izuku’s hand in comfort. Would that be weird? Yeah, that would be super weird, why had he even thought of that? Katsuki wasn’t a comforter by any means, in fact he was the opposite. He didn’t know how to make people feel better like Izuku did, who spread a sense of warmth and safety to everyone he encountered.
“I’m gonna be fine, Izuku,” Katsuki assured. “I’m not going anywhere.”
The boy’s face screwed up slightly, eyes taking on a glittery sheen, but his attempt to reply was interrupted by Aizawa and Recovery Girl walking through the door. The old woman immediately set to work, examining him thoroughly and pressing a stethoscope against his chest while Aizawa just shook his head, looking frazzled.
“You’re gonna send me to an early grave, kid.”
A smile tugged lightly at the corner of his mouth, but he did his best to maintain his composure, rolling his eyes at his teacher’s dramatic profession.
“Are you feeling well enough to sit up?” the woman asked, draping her stethoscope back on her neck.
Katsuki nodded, pushing himself to a sitting position. He blinked rapidly in an attempt to abate the black stars dancing across his vision at the movement. What the hell was wrong with his stupid body? He hoped he hadn’t been wrong to offer assurances to Izuku.
“Can you tell me what happened?” Recovery Girl grabbed a notepad.
He explained everything, including every detail from the morning, at her insistence. He even recounted waking abruptly at 4 am, much to his embarrassment. Usually he wouldn’t have been as honest as he was being, but the entire weird episode had him slightly freaked out. The old lady hummed, lowering her notebook.
“How long have you been feeling anxious?” she asked out of the blue.
Katsuki pulled a face, bewildered.
“What? I’m not anxious.”
“Will you leave us alone with him for a moment?” she turned to the three hovering boys, who reluctantly exited the room, shooting him worried glances as they went.
“So, how long have you been feeling anxious?” Recovery Girl repeated.
Katsuki looked between her and Aizawa, utterly dumbfounded.
“Why do you keep asking that? I told you I’m not anxious,” he emphasized, beginning to get annoyed.
“Okay, you’re not anxious. But would you say you’ve felt stressed lately, or maybe under a lot of pressure?”
The boy opened his mouth to protest that he’d never felt anything of the sort, but quietly closed it as he realized she was describing exactly how he’d been feeling lately. That edge of the cliff sensation, like he was one step away from plummeting to his death. That voice in his mind constantly reminding him of all the things he had to do and all the ways he’d fallen behind. The ticking clock constantly looming over his head, making him sweat. But that couldn’t be anxiety, right? Katsuki wasn’t anxious, that was Izuku’s thing. Izuku was the worrywart, Katsuki was the brash, confident one. The trait didn’t align with the shallow caricature he’d unconsciously viewed as his true self. Was he anxious? Did he even know himself at all?
“I guess,” he murmured reluctantly, glowering at a spot on the wall behind her.
The woman hummed, her mouth forming a thin frown. She drew back, hanging her stethoscope on her neck.
“Well I suspect you might have Paroxysmal Supraventricular Tachycardia, but I’ll have you referred to a cardiologist to confirm that.”
Katuski’s breath hitched in his throat. So there was something wrong with his heart? His worry must’ve bled onto his face, because Recovery Girl’s expression softened into something more reassuring.
“It’s nothing serious, just a type of arrhythmia. Your heart surgery was very abnormal, so I’m surprised you haven’t had issues with it until now. It’s likely that the operation interrupted your heart’s electrical pathways and made you more susceptible. I know it sounds scary but really it just means you’re more prone to episodes like this one,” she explained calmly.
Her words didn’t do much to ease his growing concern.
“So what does that mean? Can I still train? Is there a way to fix it?” he quickly spit out, unable to keep the nervous edge out of his voice.
“Yes, the cardiologist will tell you more but you’ll likely just be put on preventative medication. The only thing you need to worry about is managing your anxiety, which probably contributed a lot to this episode. Are you seeing a therapist currently?”
Katsuki balked, “What? No. I thought I was done with that crap.”
The whole class had been assigned to therapists and forced to have at least a few sessions right after the war. Katsuki had quit as soon as they’d let him, but a lot of his classmates were still seeing theirs. He’d hated every minute of those sessions. Having that strange lady stare him down and ask “how did that make you feel” made him feel like breaking into hives. Katsuki was working on a lot of things, including being more open about his feelings, but he had his limits. Therapy felt much worse than the slow process of gradually letting his friends in. It was like being forcefully cracked open and having to stare at his insides as they writhed on the ground, then being asked to scoop them up and hand them over to some stranger.
Needless to say, he wasn’t eager to do it again.
“Katsuki, I know you weren’t a fan of therapy--” Aizawa started.
He scoffed, scowling at the floor with his fists gripping the edge of the couch. Understatement of the century.
“--But I think it would be a good idea to give it another chance. Your mind is like any other part of your body, you have to take care of it in order to function properly. You’re so worried about reaching your goals that you’re sabotaging yourself. A big part of being a hero is knowing your limits and looking out for yourself. You won’t be able to perform at your full potential if you keep burning yourself out. You need to slow down and give yourself time to rest.”
Katsuki lifted his gaze to meet his teacher’s eye. His tone was somewhat stern, but his expression was slightly soft with concern. Along with the rest of the class, he used to think the man was incapable of looking anything other than a tired, annoyed scowl, but over time they’d all learned to read his emotions through the subtle creases in his face. He wasn’t the emotionless tough guy he tried to pretend to be, they’d figured that out a long time ago. And as much as Katsuki hated to admit it, he was probably right. Aizawa had always had his back, and typically knew what was best for him. If this anxiety stuff was going to contribute to him having freaky fainting episodes and hold him back from being a hero, he’d have to deal with it.
He sighed heavily, “I’m not going to that same lady again.”
Katsuki caught the tiniest hint of relief light the man’s eye.
“That’s not a problem. There are plenty of other therapists in the area, I can send you the information of a few that I think will be the most helpful.”
The blonde murmured a grumpy affirmation at this. After that, he was given a referral for a cardiologist and instructed to take it easy for the rest of the weekend. Specifically, he was told to “take a break” and “have some fun.” The idea of taking a whole weekend to do nothing productive made him shudder, but if it would supposedly make him a better hero, he didn’t have a real reason not to.
So that’s how he found himself standing at Denki’s door, dread pooling in his stomach as he knocked. His skin prickled uncomfortably as the door opened and his friend peaked out.
“Hey what’s- oh hey Katsuki!” he exclaimed, eyes wide with surprise. “I heard you fainted or something, are you okay man?”
Of course the first thing out of his mouth would be something painfully nice even though Katuski had been a jerk to him. The boy still didn’t understand how he’d managed to befriend the most irritatingly kind and understanding people on the planet.
“I’m fine,” he replied flippantly, not feeling like explaining.
Denki’s brows remained drawn together.
“Are you sure? Hanta said something was wrong with your heart--“
“Yes, I’m sure,” he said firmly, trying with difficulty to remain patient. “You can ask the old hag.”
The blonde’s features relaxed a bit, but his expression remained slightly tense and anxious, golden eyes wide with anticipation. It was as if he expected Katsuki to snap at any moment, like he would have come here just to attack him. The idea of Denki seeing him like that hurt more than Katsuki would like to admit.
“Look, about last night--” the boy began after a moment of awkward silence.
“I’m sorry,” Katsuki cut in before he lost his nerve and left.
Denki’s mouth opened and closed, making him look like a fish. The whole ordeal made Katsuki’s skin crawl and he wanted nothing more than to leave and pretend this never happened, but that was what the old Katsuki would do, as Hanta had so kindly reminded him. He wasn’t that guy anymore, he refused to be.
“Oh, it’s not a big deal man!” Denki replied hurriedly, waving his hands in a placating gesture. “I was pushing your buttons, I shouldn’t have--”
“Shut up. I’m trying to be nice, don’t ruin it,” Katsuki interrupted dryly.
To his relief, that got a genuine smile out of the blonde haired idiot. He took a deep breath, steeling himself for what he had to say next.
“Look, I just…. I don’t like being touched. It’s not just you, the whole group is really touchy and it gets on my nerves,” Katsuki explained, scratching his neck and looking anywhere but his friend’s eyes so he didn’t explode with embarrassment.
“I- it…” Katsuki couldn’t believe he was about to admit this. He had barely admitted it to himself, why was he sharing it with Denki? It was none of his business why Katsuki didn’t like being touched. But some urge inside him was pushing the words out against his better judgment. “It reminds me of when I was… you know…”
Katsuki’s face burned. Did he need to spell it out, or would Denki get it? Everything about this was so humiliating. He looked up carefully to see comprehension dawning on the boy’s face.
“Oh, when the league…”
“Yeah,” Katsuki said shortly. “It’s stupid.”
It was stupid. Stupid that simple touches made him feel trapped and vulnerable. Stupid that a simple hand on his shoulder from behind sent a jolt of fear through his body. The league was gone. Dabi was half dead. It was over now, he was safe. So why did simple touches make him feel like he was back in that bar again?
“What?” The boy looked honestly surprised. “It’s not stupid at all! I mean that was a horrible thing to happen, I’m sure anyone would mess with anyone’s head!”
“My head’s not messed up,” Katsuki glared defensively.
“No, that’s not what I meant--” Denki backtracked quickly.
He was doing it again.
“I know,” he said, through gritted teeth. “It’s fine.”
A tense moment passed before Denki broke the silence.
“I’m sorry man, I didn’t realize or I wouldn’t have--”
“It’s fine,” Katsuki emphasized heavily. “You didn’t know, that’s why I’m telling you now. Just…don’t tell anyone else, I don’t want it to be a thing. It’s really not a big deal.”
Bright golden eyes were filled with guilt.
“Oh man I’m such an idiot, you always got onto us for touching you and I totally ignored you! I thought you were just-- you know--”
They’d thought he had just been yelling at them playfully like he always did. Katsuki was such an idiot, of course they wouldn’t get the message if he said everything in the same tone they’d learned not to take too seriously.
“Yeah,” Katsuki pinched the bridge of his nose. “I realize now that I wasn’t totally clear.”
The boy still looked slightly distressed, much to Katsuki’s rising discomfort.
“But--”
“Just drop it, okay? It’s really fine. We both did something stupid, we both apologized, we’re fine. We’re even now. Are we good?”
Denki’s face softened, eyes shining and lip curling into a relieved smile.
“Yeah, we’re good.”
Katsuki ended up deciding to tell Mina and the rest of his friend group about this particular issue of his. It was painful and he hated every second of it, but he knew it would help in the end. Once the air was cleared and they understood what had happened, they finally respected his space and backed off. They found their own annoying, dumb ways to show their affection without touching him, and never made him feel weird about it.
That night, when his suggestion for a game night was met with a chorus of cheers, Katsuki felt the tension remaining in his chest ease. As they fought animatedly over a game of Mario Party, he found he was the happiest he’d felt in a while. In his haste to speedrun toward his goals, he’d almost forgotten one of the most important promises he’d made to himself after returning from the grave. That no matter how annoying they were, he would never take his idiot friends for granted again.
“Awwww guyss Katsuki’s smiling! Look, he does love us!” Mina cooed.
“SHUT UP I DO NOT!” Katsuki shouted, throwing a pillow at her head.
Maybe slowing down wouldn’t be such a terrible thing after all.