Work Text:
4 words. He’d been staring at 4 words for the past 20 minutes.
I’m not a robot.
All Clockwork had to do was check the box.
I’m not a robot.
He couldn’t bring himself to do it. After all, he was made of wires, circuits, and whatever else Builderman could throw inside a metal shell in the hopes of making it move. That meant he was a robot, right?
The admin might’ve remained there, pondering whether or not he could say he wasn’t a robot, until the end of time, if it weren’t for someone walking into his teapot-adorned office.
“Clockwork! How about we go grab lunch?”
Stickmasterluke didn’t get a response. His coworker didn’t even look up from his computer.
“Is that a no, or… what are you even doing?”
Luke got behind the desk, and took a peek at the screen.
“Oh. It’s just one of those-”
Before he could finish his sentence, the other admin slammed his hands down on the desk, and shouted:
“I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO!”
“Just click it. It’s not like they’ll know.”
“They WILL know! That’s the whole point!”
Stickmasterluke let out a long sigh, as the realization hit him: He wouldn’t be able to drag Clockwork to lunch for quite a while.
“Want me to get Doombringer? He’s gotta know more about this than I do.”
“Fine.”
Luke pulled out his phone, and started typing.
Stickmasterluke: Doom
Stickmasterluke: Doom
Stickmasterluke: Doombringer
Doombringer: I’m busy.
Stickmasterluke: It’s about Clockwork
As soon as Stickmasterluke pressed send, he heard someone sprinting down the hallway, heading towards the room he was in. If the door hadn’t already been open, Doombringer would’ve crashed through it given how fast he was going.
“WHAT’S GOING ON?”
“Clockwork’s trying to do a CAPTCHA test.”
“It’s trying to get me to say I’m not a robot!”
“So, I was wondering if he would be allowed to just say he isn’t one, to get through this.”
Doombringer shook his head.
“Sorry, but if you lie on one of those, then I legally have to kill you.”
Everyone went silent for a moment, until Stickmasterluke broke the silence and shattered it into countless fragments.
“You w h a t?!”
“Sorry. It’s the law.”
Clockwork slammed his head down on his desk in frustration.
“I’m just gonna be stuck here forever…”
Then, Doombringer had an idea.
“Are we sure you’re actually a robot? I mean, if we can prove that you aren’t, then you technically wouldn’t be lying.”
“Ok, cool, but how are we gonna find that out without vivisecting me?”
Luke pulled out his phone once again, and said:
“I’ll get Dusek! He can figure it out!”
Stickmasterluke: Oh, wise and all-knowing pumpkin, we require your services.
Dusekkar: Are you mocking me, child?
Stickmasterluke: Maybe
Dusekkar: This had better be of high importance.
Stickmasterluke: It is! We’re in Clockwork’s office.
Dusekkar floated into the office with a book in his hands, and a “I am so done with all of you” expression on his face. Nobody knows how he does that, because his head is a pumpkin.
“What is it?”
“Clockwork needs to prove he isn’t a robot.”
Dusekkar summoned a dictionary using his god powers, and opened it to a seemingly random page.
“It says here that a robot is defined as: a machine that resembles a living creature in being capable of moving independently and performing complex actions.”
“Well, that’s what I am, so that gets us nowhere.”
“But he has free will. He can think. Doesn’t that count for something?”
“Possibly, Doombringer, but I haven’t read any definitions that suggest so.”
“Uhhh, guys?”
Everyone turned to look at Clockwork, who was deep in thought.
“Are we even totally sure I’ve got free will?”
Oh fuck, here we go again, Doombringer thought to himself.
Stickmasterluke gave Clockwork a pat on the back to try and reassure him.
“Of course you do! Right?”
Nobody said anything, and the possibly robotic admin took this as a sign they had some doubts.
Wait, why do I hear boss music? And why does the boss music sound like an annoying guy talking?
“Hey! Heard you guys were having a meeting without me!”
It was Telamon, here to Telamake things way Telaworse.
The stupid little bird boy quickly noticed the tense atmosphere in the room, and made an educated guess to what was happening:
“Are you complaining about me behind my back again?”
Dusekkar whacked Telamon with his staff, which the winged admin took as a no.
“No, John, we’re here because-”
Stickmasterluke was cut off once again by Clockwork, who started yelling:
“I DON’T KNOW IF I HAVE FREE WILL! FOR ALL I KNOW, I COULD JUST BE SOME KIND OF AI!”
Telamon had to suppress a laugh.
“Look, man, you’re too weird to be an AI. Who would actually program something to be obsessed with teapots and be snarky to everyone?”
This did not help. What may have helped was Dusekkar deciding he’d had enough, and hitting Telamon with his staff once again. This time, however, the blow landed on the back of Telamon’s head, sending the admin to the ground and knocking him out cold.
While Clockwork was starting to cry over the fact he’d just been insulted and been provided with evidence that his life was nothing more than a system of decisions made by a computer at the same time, a horse trotted through the door.
Reesemcblox jumped down from the saddle, and the horse disappeared. Thank god for that, because the office was starting to get a little cramped.
“What’s up?”
“Oh my fucking god, we are NOT going through this whole thing again.”
Everyone agreed with Doombringer’s statement, except for Clockwork and Telamon, the former just mumbling to himself incoherently and the latter still lying on the tile floor.
“Clockwork, my friend. Just say your body is of flesh and bone, and we shall just leave thee alone.”
“I CAN’T! I don’t even care about the CAPTCHA anymore! Why should I, if I’m not actually conscious?!”
Just then, Stickmasterluke made the decision to use the nuclear option.
Stickmasterluke: Builderman, is it possible you could make time in your schedule to come to Clockwork’s office?
Builderman: Why?
Stickmasterluke: No time to explain. Just come down here, please.
Builderman showed up with a toolbox in his hand, expecting a leaking pipe or something.
He didn’t get a leaking pipe.
Instead, as soon as he walked in, Clockwork jumped on top of his desk, and pointed straight at him.
“BUILDERMAN! AM I REAL?!”
Builderman had to process whatever the fuck he’d just walked into quickly.
“Whaddya mean, are ya real?”
“DO I HAVE FREE WILL?! PLEASE, TELL ME!”
“Clockwork, please, take a breath, this is not a matter of life and death.”
“EASY FOR YOU TO SAY, MATT!”
Clockwork showed no signs of chilling out anytime soon, so Builderman knew he needed to end this, and end it fast. It should be easy, right? I mean, Builderman was the one who’d created him, surely he knew whether or not Clockwork was-
“Ta be honest with ya, Clock, I dunno.”
The room suddenly fell silent, as if time had stopped completely.
“You- what?”
“I mean, ya weren’t s’posed ta, but somethin’ happened along th’ way.”
Clockwork jumped down from the desk, almost landing on Telamon’s unconscious body, and moved closer to his boss.
“SO YOU’RE SAYING YOU CREATED THE FUCKING UNIVERSE, BUT YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT MY DEAL IS?!”
Builderman really didn’t want to get into the whole creating-the-world thing today, so he turned to Stickmasterluke, the one who’d actually called him here, and asked him:
“So, what’d ya drag me in here for?”
“Yeah, uh, Clockwork was trying to do one of those CAPTCHA tests, y’know, like the ones that make you say you’re not a robot, and somehow we got here.”
“Oh. Why didn’t ya say that earlier? I can answer that!”
Before the words fully left Builderman’s mouth, Clockwork grabbed him by the shoulders, and shook him, saying:
“Tell me, PLEASE!”
“Ok, ok, let go of me!”
Clockwork did, in fact, let go, and Builderman started to explain:
“Technically, th’ word “robot” didn’t even exist when I made ya, so yer off th’ hook.”
“That’s not how it works!”
“Yes, yes it does, Doom, I said so.”
Clockwork immediately darted over to his computer, and checked the box.
I’m not a robot.
Dusekkar let out a long sigh of relief, and desummoned his dictionary.
“Are we allowed to leave, now that an answer has been received?”
“Yeah, su-”
Suddenly, Brighteyes sprinted into Clockwork’s office in a panic.
“WE’RE UNDER ATTACK!”
Everyone quickly drew their weapons, with the exception of Telamon, who remained on the floor. Just as Stickmasterluke was about to break open the window and make his escape, Brighteyes started laughing, which is generally considered a weird response to this situation, unless, of course-
“SIIIIKEEEEE!”
“Oh my fucking- Bright ya can’t just say that-”
“Whaaaat? I’m just keeping us alert! Anyways, I was wondering if any of you wanted to go get something to eat, I’m starving…”
“Hey, Luke, didn’t you have the same idea?”, Clockwork asked, to absolutely no one because Stickmasterluke was mysteriously absent.
“Wait where the hell did he go?”
Doombringer pointed to the broken window in the back of the room. All of the admins just stood there for a moment, unsure of what to do now.
“Builderman, shall I call 911?”
“Yes, Duse. Call an ambulance.”