Chapter Text
It was the first time in a lifetime that Remus had pulled the picture out willingly. It was the first time in a lifetime that he had turned it in his hands, studying the face that grinned up at him. He didn’t know if it was fate or coincidence, but the year had been full of firsts.
The photo was frayed on the edges and lightly creased with age. For years, Remus had shoved the picture away, unable to look at it without his face clouding over and a rope pulling tight over his chest. He had hidden it in the pages of books; slid it into the depths of cluttered drawers; locked it away in cases and cabinets and closets. Remus did not want to see that face. He did not want to see that convict so young and beautiful and whole.
If someone like Severus found him with a memento like this, Remus knew that no one would trust him. No one would keep a picture of a young Sirius Black, would they? No one who was on their side. Remus sighed deeply and sat down at his desk.
Why did he keep it? Why did he keep a picture that was nothing more than a lie? Remus in all honesty didn't know. He didn't know why he let such things muddle his mind the way they did. But something about the way Sirius smiled, the way he looked straight into the camera and winked dramatically, the way he laughed with his pointy teeth showing… Remus hated to remember that Sirius Black, and to compare it to the pictures he saw in the newspaper. Yet, he wanted to remember him just the same.
For a while, Remus sat quietly in his own company, turning the photograph between his fingers. Drafts from the office window occasionally displaced the still air, but everything was perfectly, peacefully quiet. For the first time almost all year, Remus rested his mind, slowly memorizing the man in the picture. Sirius has grey eyes, he thought absently. Then came the familiar flickering of sorrow: November 1st, 1981. The day Remus heard what Black had done. The day everything fell apart. How could he have known that those eyes were hiding terrible truths? How could anyone have known?
It must have been hours before anything disturbed Remus and his thoughts. It was as quick as a shadow, but for an instant, Remus felt a stare burrowing into his back. He turned to the window, looking out over the grounds, and there, for a split second, was a giant black dog. It moved like the wind, nothing more than a blur with a single faltering step. Remus had barely taken a breath and it was gone.
It couldn't be him. Or could it? Remus’ immediate thought was to go inform Dumbledore, but he shook his head for the same selfish reason as always. If he told Dumbledore anything, he would have to tell Dumbledore everything , and Remus wasn't quite sure if he could bear it. Running his finger along the perimeter of the photo, he realized what a greedy thing it was, to withhold truths. But Remus was determined that his secrets remain secret, even through the passage of time. In a way, he was hardly better than the escaped prisoner himself.
Remus glanced down and noticed that the picture was crumpling and bending in his hands. With great circumspect, he flattened it on the table, right next to a blank Marauders Map. He turned back to the window a second time, searching again for the hulking canine. Peeves the Poltergeist glided through the partly-opened door and into the room, bobbing up to float along the ceiling.
“Why if it isn't Looney, Looney Lupin!” Peeves smirked.
“Go away.” Remus ordered, rolling his eyes, “I'm warning you, Peeves…”
Peeves gave a nasty grin in response, looking down at the old picture on the desk. “Looney Lupin’s looking for something, isn't he? Looney Lupin’s lost something, hasn't he?”
“Wouldn’t you like to know, Peeves?” Remus commented lightly, his voice sour with sarcasm.
Peeves was laughing now, as if Remus’ misfortune was the best joke he'd ever been told. “Looney, Looney Lupin!” He cackled in an awful, singsong voice. “LOONEY, LOONEY LUPIN! LOONEY, LOONEY LUPIN’S LOST HIS LOVER!”
Remus inhaled sharply from shock, seizing his wand and casting a spell at Peeves, who dodged it with glee.
“WHO WAS YOUR LOVER, LOONEY?!?” Peeves jeered, a devilish expression building on his face. “WAS YOUR LOVER SIRIUS BLA -- ”
Remus pushed his suitcase aside, trying to cast another spell, and the items on his desk toppled into a pile. Ink spilled and spread along the table, dripping and staining the floor. He was breathing hard, shaking his head, as if to shield himself from the onslaught of suppressed memories.
Peeves had disappeared from sight, but his voice still crooned throughout the office. “I remember, Looney. I remember you at school. You were in looooove.” Peeves drawled out each word tauntingly. “You and that Sirius Black. You two were in looooove… Must be awful to see what he turned into. A criminal… a murderer...”
Remus’ voice shook with anger. “It wasn’t my fault.” He clutched one fist hard on the desk, trying to get a grip with himself. He had never acted this way before, not in front of Harry, not in front of Dumbledore, not anyone. Why didn’t he just curse the bloody poltergeist? Why was he still listening? “It wasn’t my fault,” he repeated. But it was his fault; he knew it. He was so sure that he had known Sirius, so sure he had known Black’s intentions were good. But he had been wrong, and now James and Lily were dead, and he should have known all along.
"No one remembers Looney and Sirius Black at school, now do they? Tried to keep it quiet, you two did. But Peeves knew, yes sir! Peeves found out your little secret!”
Remus’ throat had turned dry. “It seems like you would have had more productive things to do, Peeves, than follow two students around and weasel your way into their own personal business. ” He put heavy emphasis on the last three words and cast the spell again. Peeves grunted from around the corner, the curse sending the trickster tumbling out of the room.
“Go tell Snape about that picture of yours, I should,” Remus heard Peeves threaten joyfully as he swooped away, laughter echoing up the corridor. “Go tell everyone that Looney misses his boyfriend! ”
Remus sank down in his chair, not bothering to clean up the momentary chaos around him. Closing his eyes, he wished for the world to just melt away around him. There was nothing you could do, he told himself desperately. Sirius fooled everyone… Remus paused. The photo lay open on the desktop, seeming very small and fragile. In one swift motion, he picked it up and shoved it in his pocket, turning away from the cloudy grey eyes that stared up at him. LOONEY, LOONEY LUPIN’S LOST HIS LOVER! sang the mocking tone of Peeves, etching itself painfully into Remus’ mind.