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<AU of Ocean’s 9-1-1; Buck finds out he was a savior sibling from the cops and spirals.>
“I’m so confused, can you start over?” Buck asked, looking between the detectives in the interrogation room. Because of course their shift had been accused of robbing a bank, complete with money hidden on the trucks that none of them knew about. It was so dumb and he just wanted to go back to work or get some semblance of sleep on someone’s couch.
“Your sister obviously doesn’t need the money, not after what she’s set to gain from her late husband’s estate.” The man said, and Buck tried not to react. The fact his sister survived something like what Doug did was amazing and not a trivial fact.
“But what about your own medical expenses?” The woman asked curiously.
“Don’t have any.” Buck shrugged.
“Not that you’re currently aware of, no, but having been a test tube baby to cure a brother with cancer could have plenty of unseen issues.” She shrugged. Buck blinked at her, his mind going entirely blank and quiet. He would have thought he was lucid dreaming if it weren’t for the fact the detectives were still watching him expectantly, only moving to shuffle papers in a file or blink or breathe and there weren’t any rainbows or any insane kaleidoscope effects happening. It also told him he wasn’t breathing so he sucked in a breath.
“Come again?” Buck’s voice cracked.
“You underwent testing and even donated at a year old. But the file is so slim they had to have left some things out. Allergy tests, x-rays, CT scans, whole slew of things, really.” The woman said sadly, shaking her head as she walked behind the chairs. “That money could go a long way-”
“I don’t have a brother.” Buck blurted out. “I’ve only ever had a sister, what the hell are you playing at? Seriously? Because this is a really cruel prank.”
“No prank.” The man said, sliding some papers over, one of which was a picture of Maddie, another little boy, and who could only be Buck since the baby had the same birthmark as him. Three kids. “You, Firefighter Buckley, were born to heal a brother. His name was Daniel. Only it didn’t work.”
“How you-”
“Shut up.” Buck cut off the next line of questions or statements when the woman detective opened her mouth to say something else. “No, no. Shut the fuck up, this is- this is bullshit. You can’t get the answers you want so you’re making shit up? Not even anything mundane either, no, you had to specify this kid had cancer and that I was, what? Created to heal him? That I’m a savior baby? Fuck you.”
“Whoa, calm down, Buckley.” The man said firmly.
“Me calm down? You calm down! What the fuck is all this? I don’t have a god damn brother, I’ve never had a fucking brother. Is this to make me feel worse? To get emotional? It fucking worked. I don’t have a brother who died of cancer. I don’t. Someone would have told me.” Buck shook his head and threw the papers back at the detectives angrily. “This is bullshit! My sister wouldn’t have hidden anything from me like this!”
“What about your parents?” The woman asked, stepping back when Buck stood up, because he was not listening to this anymore. He tugged a hand through his hair, but the man detective was up and blocking him from getting to the door. “You don’t think they would hide something so dark? Something they blamed you for? You left home and moved around, you were homeless for nearly six years-”
“Shut up!” Buck screamed, pointing at her maybe a little aggressively. Apparently it was aggressive enough that the man detective got behind Buck and got his arms pulled back and cuffed because Buck struggled. Of course he did. “You’re lying!”
“Ok, you’re gonna go cool off in holding.” The man behind him said, pushing him through the hall and toward the cells. “Maybe a night here will get you ready to tell us the truth.”
“I told you the god damn truth!” Buck shouted. “You’re making shit up! None of what you said is real, it isn’t! It can’t be!”
“Sure kid, whatever you gotta tell yourself.” The man nodded to another officer who opened an empty cell that Buck was pushed into, the cuffs undone and the door slammed in place before he could do more than rub his wrists and try to breathe.
“It can’t be true.” Buck finally muttered to himself as he fought to get and keep his heart rate under control. “No. I don’t believe it. I won’t.”
Buck really did stay there all night. He didn’t get a minute of sleep, his mind too frustrated, running through everything he knew about his family in his head. And then that one memory replayed in his head. That one fucked up memory of when Maddie was teaching him how to ride a bike without training wheels. Because that bike had a name plate on it, hanging from the seat. And it wasn’t his name or even Maddie’s. It said ‘Daniel’. And the way his parents reacted to it? Not the fact that Buck was hurt and bleeding, no, they got in a fight over the fucking bike. His dad even went and bought him a new bike the next day. He never saw the red one again. His mom had avoided him for at least a week after that ordeal. And that was when he made that fucked up connection that his parents paid attention to him and showed they cared when he got himself hurt. When he had an accident, they paid attention.
Having a brother who had died of cancer made a stupid, twisted, insane, depressing amount of sense. The detectives tried arguing with Buck about messages he and Maddie had been sending about getting the deposit back from the apartment she moved out of after Doug attacked her. How had they gone from that to accusing him of needing the money for unknown medical issues for being- for being a fucking savior baby? So what if he fought with his parents constantly? So what if he ran from them as soon as he had the means to do so and lived out of a car? It didn’t mean anything. The fact he hadn’t talked to his parents in nearly eight years meant nothing. Maddie talked to them, she could do whatever she wanted. They were her parents more than they were ever his because Maddie chose to be his parent AND his sister.
“You’re free to go.” The man detective said, unlocking the cell door and telling Buck that it was morning already. He’d spaced out the entire night with his complete and total mental spiral. “For what it’s worth, I’m sorry.”
“For what?” Buck huffed, walking out and following the man to the front of the precinct.
“For telling you some dark family history that you genuinely didn’t know about.” The man said sincerely. “We asked the others what anyone knew of each other’s families. They all had answers for everyone aside from you. They know your sister, but only because she showed up out here, running to you as a safe space when her late husband threatened her life.”
“Right.” Buck nodded, signing the stupid forms to get his keys and wallet and everything back that had been in his pockets. He didn’t say anything else, neither did the cop, when he was done. Buck just walked out to his jeep and climbed in and sat there. He had no idea what he was meant to do now. He’d been staying with Maddie occasionally, but he didn’t think he could even look at his sister at the moment without breaking.
He pulled up several apartment listings, cheap, definitely temporary, things that he could afford and would leave plenty of money left over for the amount of therapy he was about to need. He set up a few viewings and finally left the police station. He got a strong coffee and then went through the day. The last place he toured would work, and it actually seemed pretty great. He had the deposit, hell, he had the first six months rent already since he’d been couch surfing. His credit wasn’t awful, it just was also barely existent. Because he was able to pay for everything, the deposit and first month’s rent right off the bat, he was able to sign and get the keys right away. He didn’t message anyone to tell them what he was doing, not wanting to deal with them yet. He just went to a few stores and got some boxed furniture that he could put together, along with a mattress that was a boxed, rolled up, sealed deal that would expand once it was out of the vacuum sealed bag.
He was annoyed that he went back to work and Marty, the mechanic, was the one who had set up the robbery along with the bank manager. He also didn’t really want to go to Athena’s house where she and Bobby were hosting a dinner for everyone, for making it through everything mostly unscathed, if annoyed. But everyone was going to go, so he felt like he had to. It had been a few days, so maybe he could see his sister in person finally and just … try to figure out if she knew about it all. If she could assure him it was wrong or if she’d admit that it was true. He’d done some internet searches and found that there had been a Daniel Buckely, eight years old, of Harrisburg, PA, who had indeed died of cancer and was survived by his parents and a brother and sister of unlisted ages. It was all coincidental, it didn’t mean anything. But the kid died when Buck would have been just past his second birthday. According to the article he found, Daniel had been diagnosed when he was five and had managed to undergo surgeries and treatments that worked for the next nearly three years.
Buck did his best to not be stuck in his head when he got to the house, and he definitely wasn’t drinking, that would just end with him blabbing without thinking. Granted, he was pretty sure he’d do that anyway. It was on the tip of his tongue and had been for the better part of a week.
“You’re quiet.” Eddie said softly, watching him. “What’s goin’ on in that head?”
“Too much.” Buck said too honestly. Eddie seemed a little surprised by his answer, too.
“Wanna talk it out?” Eddie offered.
“I know I do.” Maddie said, leaning closer to them since she was across the table. “You’ve been quiet since you went in to be questioned. I didn’t even hear from you, or get a text, actually, since you didn’t call or come by, until the next day. Where are you even staying?”
“You’ve never been worried about that before.” Buck blurted out, pinching his lips together to shut himself up when he realized what he said.
“Meaning?” Maddie just arched an eyebrow at him.
“Can we just drop this? For now?” Buck asked with a sigh.
“No. We can’t.” Maddie argued, and everyone was definitely watching them. “You aren’t staying with me anymore, I know you aren’t staying with Howie, and he says you aren’t staying with anyone else here. So where are you staying? And why did you say I never worried about it before?”
“Because we haven’t seen each other in almost eight years.” Buck said quietly. “We went eight years without seeing each other, half of that not speaking, and you have never brought up my living arrangements before. I got an apartment the other day. I’m tired of couch surfing and I needed a place I could decompress and be alone in.”
“You hadn’t seen each other in eight years?” Bobby asked confusedly.
“Before the, maybe a half an hour long conversation when I went to her ER,” Buck stated, “it had been around five since I’d seen her.”
“I was taller than you before you showed up in my ER.” Maddie agreed. “But I knew it was you.”
“I’m … I’m confused now.” Hen said, looking between them. “You saw him at, what? Eighteen? Before you came to LA? And before that he was maybe 12 or 13?”
“He turned 19 not that long after he left Pennsylvania.” Maddie nodded.
“When you gave me your keys and told me to go.” Buck agreed a little darkly.
“I couldn’t go with you. Not then.” Maddie said softly.
“I get that. Now.” Buck shook his head. “But where do you think I went?”
“All over.” She frowned and shrugged. “You sent me postcards from pretty much every state for the next six years, even some from Central and South America.”
“You were homeless.” Bobby said, wiping a hand over his eyes. “Oh my- that’s why you didn’t have an address history on your application and only one job that was longer than six months.”
“No. No, you had places to stay.” Maddie shook her head, giving Buck a pleading look, asking him to say that Bobby was wrong. “You knew people, you had money to- to get a motel. Something. Tell them.”
“You gave me what became my home for six years.” Buck said tiredly. “I had enough money to drive across the country and get job after job, earning enough for food and gas. I didn’t have anyone to go to. So no, Maddie, I didn’t have places to stay. I was fucking homeless, but I survived. And this whole fucking thing, the- the interrogation shit, of course they brought it up. How I could have used the money to have a home, something.”
“Why didn’t you ask mom and dad for help?” Maddie asked sadly.
“Your parents are alive?” Several people asked at once. Maddie blinked at them like they were idiots, though.
“Do you really think,” Buck asked softly, “that if I hadn’t seen or heard from you in years, that I would have mentioned our parents to anyone? As far as the LAFD is concerned, I’m a single guy, in his 20s, with no immediate family. Aside from you being here, anyway, which I only corrected when you decided to stay.”
“They would have helped you. They would have sent money, even if it was after a lecture from hell.” Maddie said so sincerely that Buck couldn’t help the self-deprecating laugh that came out of him.
“They have hated me my entire life.” Buck said flatly, standing up, needing to be ready to leave sooner than later. “Tell me this, alright?” Maddie frowned but nodded at him. “Tell me they were wrong. Tell me those detectives were wrong. Tell me right here, right now, that I’m not a fucking failed savior baby.” The quiet that fell over the room was the same as what Buck felt in that interrogation room, but he was just watching his sister who had gone pale. “I swear to god- Maddie, tell me. Tell me I’m not some twisted, failed science experiment to heal a brother I never fucking knew I had. A brother who was dying from cancer, and our parents decided to have another kid to try to heal him, to use for parts.” Buck waited, but his patience was wearing out because he was still too strung out about it. “Tell me!”
“You-” Maddie swallowed thickly, tears pooling in her eyes and slowly leaking out. “You were never meant to know.”
“Fuck that!” Buck exclaimed, shoving his chair in at the table and shaking his head. “No- no you don’t get to decide that. Philip and Margaret Buckley don’t get to fucking decide that! I only exist because they had a sick kid, so fuck them! I’m- no. No, I can’t do this right now.”
Buck shook his head and left behind a table of baffled and shocked coworkers. He didn’t slam the door when he left, but he did hurry to his car. He drove to his apartment and locked his door. He put his back against it and just slid to the floor and sat there. His phone started going off like crazy but he wasn’t in the mood to talk to anyone. He sent a message out to leave him alone, to give him space for a few days, and they finally stopped.
It wasn’t surprising that when he went into work two days later everyone was watching him worriedly. He tried to ignore it, but it wasn’t easy. He also knew it was only a matter of time before anyone said anything. Which actually didn’t take as long as he was expecting it to. Bobby asked him to help make breakfast and while he was busy cutting things, Bobby brought it up.
“Wanna talk about it a little? Tell me where your head’s at with everything?” Bobby asked gently.
“I’m really pissed off.” Buck sighed. “And just … pissed and hurt and sad, I guess.”
“You know it isn’t your sister’s fault.” Bobby said encouragingly.
“No, I know.” Buck shook his head. “I guess the way I said and did things at dinner the other night made it look like I blamed her, but that’s not it. I just-” Buck set the knife he was using down and took a breath.
“Take your time.” Bobby said gently.
“She said I was never meant to know.” Buck said quietly. “It means that our parents have manipulated, gaslit, and coerced her into pretending a brother she knew and loved didn’t exist just so they could move on.”
“Not following.” Bobby said cautiously so Buck finally looked at him and saw Hen, Chimney, and Eddie hovering nearby, listening, out of the corner of his eye.
“I never would have remembered him on my own. Never. The information I was able to find said he died before I was even two years old. So they had no threat of me remembering another family member, a brother, or ever bringing him up just to get on their nerves. Which, yeah, I might’ve done just to purposely piss them off and get them to- get them to remember I was even fucking there. That I existed. I didn’t get affection or really anything from them when I was a kid. Any parental affection or lesson I ever got was from my big sister. Because they couldn’t even look at me. Until I figured out how to get them to.”
“How’d you do that?” Hen asked gently.
“How do you think?” Buck asked tiredly. “You all complain about how reckless and wild I am. When and how do you think I became that way? I was detained after my interrogation because I got emotional and sort of blew up. So I stayed in a holding cell overnight. I sorted through all the memories I had as a kid and got stuck on one. The earliest one I could really remember. Maddie teaching me how to ride a bike. Because of course it was Maddie who taught me. It was this older red and black bike that was hidden in the garage that I didn’t even know we had. But she taught me, took the training wheels off and everything. I eventually got it, but I crashed when I turned at the end of the block and got closer to the house again. Mom and dad came out, worried at first. Until they saw the bike.” Buck shook his head. “Mom went pale, like she was looking at a ghost or something and ran back inside while dad yelled at us for touching the bike. He didn’t care that I was bleeding, that Maddie was defending me or what we were doing. He just cared that the bike was probably scraped up. Maddie got the first aid kit when we were inside and patched me up. And then dad … he bought me a new bike. I got hurt and they were suddenly paying attention, giving me things. And it just … it became this twisted pattern that I could rely on. They would argue about shit, almost always involving me, behind closed doors, but acted like we were some perfect family when we were in public.”
“So Maddie learned that family secrets were a behind-closed-doors situation and in public was a smile through the pain, thing.” Chimney said sadly.
“They taught her that. They are the ones who are responsible for her feeling trapped for so long.” Buck said firmly. “So I’m pissed off because they are the reason Maddie had to go through what she did, that she felt like she had to play pretend for so long because that is what our parents did and what they manipulated her into doing when she lost a brother. It wasn’t her place to lie to me, but it’s what they forced her to do. She got so used to secrets and lies because of all the shit they did that she still can’t get out of it.”
“Have you told your parents?” Eddie asked quietly.
“I haven’t talked to them since the day I ran away.” Buck shook his head. “And no, Maddie doesn’t know that.”
“You haven’t talked to your parents in eight years?” Eddie said in disbelief.
“No.” Buck shook his head again, letting his shoulders drop.
“I haven’t talked to my mom since I was probably the age you were when Maddie moved away from you the first time. Barely a teenager.” Bobby admitted quietly. Buck looked at him and blinked. Bobby had never talked about his parents, only his wife and kids. It made him feel a little better about the idea that he could be fine without them.
“I haven’t talked to ma since she didn’t come to my wedding years ago.” Hen added. “I couldn’t, it hurt too much.”
“I haven’t talked to my dad in person since I was 15.” Chimney said. “We talk over video now and then, or really he talks and tells me I’m ruining my life, and I wait for it to be over, but same thing.”
“I talk to my parents once a month because they want to know how Christopher is doing. They never ask about me.” Eddie stated, clearing his throat. “Not like I’m their son or anything.”
“Super. We all have really shitty parental relationships.” Buck stated, unsurprised when they laughed.
“Seems so.” Bobby said, still chuckling. “For what it’s worth, I think your sister would appreciate hearing from you that you don’t blame her. She loves you. She stayed here for you.”
“Yeah, I know.” Buck sighed. “I’ll talk to her. Just needed some time alone with it.”
“Why was that brought up in your interrogation, though?” Chimney asked. “The homeless part, yeah, I can see the twisted relevance there, but not the savior baby part.”
“They said I could use the money for potential medical expenses because I was a test tube baby, made specifically to heal a brother. I don’t know what else they said, I couldn’t tell you. I was too overwhelmed to do more than scream at them that they were lying.”
“While I don’t believe you’ll have some hidden medical surprise, it wouldn’t be a bad idea to request your childhood records just in case.” Hen commented.
“I’ll figure it out.” Buck sighed before the alarm went off.
It took a few days, and updating his address with Bobby for his official file with LAFD, and even Bobby being suspended before Buck felt like he could talk to his sister. He’d gotten copies of his medical records, and made sure the hospitals he was usually seen at for a work accident got copies as well. It probably wasn’t great that he had files at most of the hospitals in LA. Eddie had announced that he and Shannon were getting a divorce. He seemed really anxious about it and sort of stuck to Buck, asking him inane questions to distract himself before he finally told him, very quietly when everyone was asleep in the bunk room, that he felt like a failure for it. He and Shannon both knew they only got married for Chris, but they also knew they cared about each other. It would take time to work through the guilt about it, but Chris was able to see both his parents and he was going to be able to go back and forth between them, to see that it could work. Buck told Eddie he was proud of him for doing it. He also admitted he was glad they figured out their relationship wasn’t good but that they both still wanted to be Chris’ parents. Eddie had given him a grateful smile for it. So Buck counted it as a win.
Apparently it also took being blown up to be able to have a quiet, somewhat private, conversation with his sister. Buck didn’t even care that she’d known about Daniel their entire lives and never said anything. He didn’t. He needed his sister when he had thought he was going to lose his leg and might never be a firefighter again.
“I’m so sorry.” Maddie said, blinking rapidly to hold back tears when she saw he was awake and watching her like a weirdo.
“Shut up.” Buck huffed, smiling a little when she laughed. “This is so not your fault. I just … attract disasters.”
“Clearly.” Maddie sniffled. “I’m sorry we haven’t had time to talk. That I lied to you for so long. All of it.”
“I blame mom and dad, not you.” Buck shook his head. Maddie looked at him in confusion though. Like she didn’t understand. “Mom and dad taught you to hide shit, Mads. They manipulated and gaslit you into being accustomed to hiding family shit behind closed doors, no matter how unhealthy it was. I mean, you didn’t go to them. You came to LA, to me. You got away from a manipulative bastard, and instead of going right back to another set of manipulative, self-centered assholes, you came to your overly honest, completely unfiltered, occasionally arrogant, somewhat narcissistic, baby brother.”
“I did.” Maddie laughed, squeezing his hand between hers. “Of course I did. Maybe I’ll use your phrasing when I have to go back to that dumb mandated counseling. I haven’t talked about Daniel in 25 years, so it’ll …. It won’t be easy.”
“Probably not.” Buck hummed tiredly. “But you can’t fix something without starting at the root of it all. We’ll just … we’ll heal together, ok? United front.” He held a pinky out to her and felt her link hers with him. His eyes were too heavy to keep open though.
“Get some rest, honey. I’ll be here when you wake up. Promise.” Maddie said, carding a hand gently through his hair. It had to be gross, but she still did it. Waiting on his leg to heal was going to suck, but he could at least work through his mental issues with his sister. He could always count on her.
She was his home, and he felt, as he drifted off to sleep in the haze of so many pain meds, that she maybe finally understood that. That maybe he got her to understand she was his family, his home, his strength. Everything he was was because of how much care and love and everything that she put into him. He was who he was because of Maddie.
He’d remind her when he woke up again.