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“So why Buck?” Buck looked up and found Hen and Chimney watching him curiously. It felt like every few weeks they were coming up with new random questions to ask him.
“It’s a nickname.” Buck shrugged. “Same with Hen and Chimney.”
“Ok, but Hen is literally a shortened version of her actual name.” Chimney argued. “Mine’s from a story. So. Is Buck from some weird interaction with a deer?”
“No.” Buck said hesitantly. “It’s from my last name.”
“How do you get Buck from Grant?” Hen frowned.
“You don’t. Grant’s my middle name.” Buck said quietly. “I’ve been using it since before I got to LA because I don’t need certain people searching me out.”
“Certain people.” Chimney blinked. “Are you running from the mob or something?”
“Or something.” Buck wobbled his head. “I’m not involved in anything illegal, I just didn’t … I didn’t want my biological family trying to find me. And if Evan Buckley doesn’t technically exist, then they can’t.”
“Buckley.” Hen said curiously. “Yeah, I think I like Grant better. Buck Grant. It suits you.”
“Why don’t you want your family to find you?” Chimney was still frowning. “Are you running from a spouse? Wait, are you married to the Mafia and never told us?!”
“No, just overbearing, spiteful, negligent parents and a sister I haven’t seen since I was a teenager.” Buck admitted. “Look, this has been a super fun conversation, and all, but I’ve got shit to do.”
Thankfully, they let Buck walk away and finish his chores without interrupting again. He’d put a lot of effort into making sure Evan Buckley wasn’t traceable. That he hadn’t really existed past 19. Not really. And most places he worked over the years hadn’t cared that he preferred a different name. It didn’t matter. Even when he applied for the LAFD, he made sure they understood that for all intents and purposes, his name was Evan Grant. End of story. Not even Bobby had questioned him about it. But Bobby was also dealing with his own shit.
They always all talked about Buck when he wasn’t around. Or not visibly in the area, anyway. No one was brave enough to ask him face to face about anything, or they were tired of how he could talk around a question and leave them more confused than when they started. He was also a bit of a hot head. Which unfortunately came out on calls from time to time. And that drew attention. Because of course one of the main officers they were running into on calls was Sergeant Athena Grant. She always gave him disappointed looks when he did something stupid or reckless. Usually both.
“You off shift?” Buck turned and found Sergeant Grant looking at him expectantly.
“Pretty sure that’s obvious.” Buck said carefully.
“Good, let’s go.” She gestured for him to follow her and Buck felt like he was being walked to the principal’s office.
“Where’m I goin’?” Buck asked petulantly.
“Grant family meeting.” She arched an eyebrow at him in a very unimpressed manner. “We both know there’s no relation between us, but that does not change the fact you are wearing the same name in a similar enough field that I have people telling me to get my pasty, hot headed son under control.”
“I am 25 years old.” Buck argued. “You tellin’ me you didn’t do a ton of shit wrong at 25?”
“Baby I did not have the luxury to get anything wrong when I was 25.” She said, very much unimpressed with him. Buck grimaced as he realized how shitty and dickish he probably sounded. Sergeant Grant was a black woman cop in Los Angeles. Of course she didn’t have the same luxury he did. “You can sit in the front, or I can sit you in the back.”
“I’d rather not feel like I’m being arrested.” Buck grumbled, walking around the cruiser and getting in. “I’m guessing telling anyone that we aren’t related didn’t do anything to stop people complaining to you about me?”
“It did not.” She agreed, pulling away from the firehouse where Bobby, Chimney, and Hen were watching them in confusion. “I looked you up. I know full well that Grant is your middle name. But if we are going to be put under the same microscope, wearing the same name on the uniform, you are gonna learn what it means to be a Grant. Capiche?”
“Why? So I can disappoint you as much as my actual parents?” Buck argued.
“What I think I’m most disappointed in,” she said carefully, as if making sure he was listening, “is that every time I see you doin’ the job, when you’re on a call, you’re focused. Especially if you have direction and guidance. I’m disappointed that I can see you making connections and deductions in your mind, you do not hide what you’re thinking, honey, it is all over your face, and you never do anything with it. When you work big emergencies, I see you’re completely calm and collected. It’s the small stuff you struggle with.”
“I know.” Buck frowned.
“You need to find a way to balance.” She said firmly. “What watching you work has shown me is that you have been alone for a very long time. Meaning you’ve not been able to rely on anyone or trust anyone to have your best interests in mind. That is changing.”
“You don’t believe that whatever you have planned is too little, too late?” Buck asked a little sarcastically.
“No.” She said certainly. Buck blinked at her before looking out the window and thinking. No one had ever been that certain about him before. Not since he was a little kid. Here was this random cop who happened to actually have the last name Buck was using and telling him she wanted to help him be better by showing him how. The house they pulled up to was actually really cool. It was definitely a home. It felt inviting even from the driveway. He followed her to the front door and inside. “I’mma put my weapon away and get comfortable. Sit at the table and I’ll be there in a second.”
“Yes ma’am.” Buck said quietly, following where she had pointed. There was a young boy and an older girl, still a teenager, though, sitting at the table and looking at him curiously.
“Who’re you?” The boy asked as Buck pulled out a chair to sit down.
“Be nice.” The girl said, swatting affectionately at her little brother. “I’m May. This is Harry.”
“Buck.” Buck gave them a small wave. “Your- uh, I mean, Sergeant Grant is your mom?”
“Yeah.” They both smiled as May answered. “We tend to just call her mom, though. Dad calls her Athena or some other cutesy name.”
“Not that he has in a while.” Harry muttered. “They’re trying not to scare us by telling us they’re getting divorced.”
“It’s kinda a heavy topic.” Buck shrugged. “Because the truth is that it has next to nothing to do with you.”
“Doesn’t feel that way.” May muttered just as quietly as Harry had.
“Your parents have known each other a long time.” Buck said carefully. “At least 20 years, if I had to guess.”
“Pretty close, yeah.” May tilted her head at him curiously.
“So they figured out that maybe they don’t make the amazing partners they thought they would be.” Buck continued. “For each other. They’re career driven people who happen to be parents. They gotta figure out a whole new dynamic more quickly than you guys do. Yeah, you’ll probably end up with two bedrooms and two of every holiday if they want to keep things separate, but that’s more about them relearning how to be just friends again, not a married couple.”
“Are your parents divorced?” Harry asked interestedly.
“No, they’ve … they had me kinda late in life.” Buck admitted hesitantly. “I have an older sister. Except she’s, like, 11 years older than me. My parents were never actually interested in my life and I don’t know why they didn’t just hand me over to the state or child services after my sister left for college in another city. They agreed on a lot of things. Mostly how much they disapproved of my sister’s boyfriend-turned-husband, or literally anything that involved me. They liked to yell, but not at each other. Sure, they probably argued quietly, but I always knew it was about me. So just … trust me when I say that whatever is going on seriously has nothing to do with you. You would know. Because …”
“Because they’d take it out on us instead of acting like everything was fine.” May finished for him. “You’re pretty smart. For a guy.”
“Wow.” Buck laughed. “Thanks, I think.”
“So what are you doing here?” May pressed, sliding around the table to sit closer to him for some reason. “The only people mom usually has over, or, I guess that only person that she usually has over is Hen. Sometimes Chimney. She’s known them for like forever.”
“Buck Grant needs to learn what it means to be a Grant.” Buck turned and saw Sergeant Grant walking in looking much more comfortable. “Harry, you almost done?”
“I was done a while ago.” Harry admitted bashfully.
“Baby, you know how much your teachers hate when you work ahead so far.” She gave her son an amused smile. “Go put that way for now. We’re gonna make dinner and when your daddy gets here, we’re gonna have a family conversation.”
“So you’re getting a divorce and giving us a white big brother?” May asked, making Buck laugh again. Even Harry was laughing as he collected his homework.
“He needs family, and as a Grant, he’s gonna learn what that means.” Sergeant Grant shook her head and walked into the kitchen. “Buck, why don’t you come help me while the kids take care of the table.”
“Uh, sure.” Buck got up and went into the kitchen.
It was nice cooking with Athena, as she’d eventually told him to call her. She was calm and collected while directing him and her actual kids before her husband showed up. Or soon to be ex-husband. He looked a little confused, but still did his part to help with setting the table. There was still some obvious tension between them, and Buck found himself drifting closer to May and Harry. Not because he was expecting animosity or anything, but he didn’t want to be pulled into an issue. He was still pretty anxious about being there to begin with.
“So, Firefighter Grant,” Athena’s husband said with a smirk, “what made you choose firefighter?”
“Uh, jus- it’s just Buck.” Buck cleared his throat and tried not to fidget. “I don’t really have a good answer. I was working at a bar in Peru-”
“Peru?” May asked interestedly. “What was it like? Why were you-”
“Let’s start with becoming a firefighter, ok?” Athena said, giving Buck an encouraging look.
“Right. Um. There- there was this old movie that was always playing behind the bar. A firefighter show. I had the dialogue pretty much memorized, but never actually watched it. Not until some random American college kid said it seemed pretty cool. The camaraderie and everything that came with it. Having a team. I was curious about it because I’ve never actually had that or thought I could. The guy and his friends convinced me to come back, to come to LA. To give it a shot. I’d been there long enough, so I figured, why not? I’d been down there for eight months already, and the tourist season was pretty much over, the timing worked. So I came back. Went through the academy and I’ve now been a probationary firefighter for the better part of six, almost seven months.” Buck answered.
“Never wanted to go to college?” May asked with a curious frown.
“I tried once.” Buck shrugged. “Except the professors and school aid station nurses all said I needed to be tested for ADD or ADHD and that I should be medicated. I didn’t have health insurance that covered that, and I was honestly so sick and tired of someone telling me the way I learned wasn’t good enough. So I left.”
“When was that?” Harry asked.
“Twenty-twelve.” Buck tilted his head as he thought. “I graduated high school in ten, and got a football scholarship. Figured I’d give it a try since it was the expected thing to do. God I hated it, though.”
“Ok but it’s 2018 now.” May frowned at him. “Thats a good six year gap.”
“You guys are all really interested.” Buck said quietly, frowning down at his plate. “My life isn’t anything impressive or anything. It’s nothing to brag about and even less to aspire to.”
“Alright.” Athena cleared her throat. “The kids already know, but I was originally in school to be a lawyer.”
“What made you switch?” Buck asked curiously.
“Lot of things.” She shrugged. “Met a man who was an officer and he made a compelling argument for the police force. I still got a degree in criminal justice, I just applied it differently. My mama was none too happy to know I’d become a cop, I’ll tell you that much.”
“Understatement.” Her husband says, smiling when Athena rolled her eyes.
“Micheal’s been the steady one and went to school for engineering and has had his dream job since he graduated.” Athena said somewhat affectionately. At least she was kind enough to say his name since Buck hadn’t actually gotten it before.
“Sounds like you had good support systems.” Buck said.
“Yes and no.” Athena wobbled her head a little. “We were both around your age when we found our paths and were settling into the careers we are still in today. And as I told you earlier, we did not have the luxury to be assholes or to mess up like you have.”
“I know.” Buck groaned, covering his face with his hands. “I realized that nearly as soon as the words were already out of my mouth. It’s a problem. Blurting shit out before thinking about what I’m saying.”
“It’s not a problem.” Athena said with a chuckle, and he peaked between his fingers at her. “It isn’t. But you live in a very diverse city now. One you might call home. That means you are going to have to figure out that everyone you meet has some sort of struggle going on. Everyone. I remember when Chimney first started and the crew he worked with harassed him and asked why the delivery man was still there.”
“They did not.” Buck gaped at her, his hands dropped from his face.
“And you know that a strong, black, lesbian woman in a male dominated field like Henrietta was treated worse than he was.” Athena continued. “So going into everything, leaning into this cocky, arrogant, asshole frat guy persona is not going to win you any favors.”
“You didn’t buy it.” Buck grumbled.
“No. I didn’t.” She agreed. “Because I know a mask when I see one. The question is, is the mask you wear worth the career you could build? The friendships you could have?”
“You mentioned you had sister earlier.” May said carefully. “What’s she think about this?”
“No idea.” Buck huffed a tired sounding sigh. “Last time I talked to her was when I turned 22 for maybe five seconds .”
“What about your parents?” Micheal asked, looking as concerned as the kids.
“They haven’t answered a call from me in years. The last time I actually spoke to them was the day I left. Or ran. Whichever. I was 19. They yelled a lot, so I took off. I was never going to be what they wanted so why stay? I didn’t actually want to die, but they always paid attention when I was hurt. It was the only way I got them to notice me and remember I was even fucking there. It’s how I was able to get any affection or attention from them for as long as I can remember. If I would’ve stayed I’d have probably gotten myself killed somehow. Got run over on my motorcycle, but that was way too close of a call for me. Decided it- their version of attention- it wasn’t good for me. I didn’t want to die, I still don’t. I just … I struggle with it sometimes. I struggle with the whole being part of something without getting hurt. Without it being a way to get affection or attention.” Buck shook his head. “Sorry to bring the mood down, I guess. You had actual struggles and I’m just some dumbass, unwanted kid that ran away from home at 19 and discovered living in a car was infinitely better than with my parents. Pretty fucked up, but-”
“But nothing.” Micheal said firmly, making Buck look up at him since he’d just been staring at the table. “No child deserves to feel that way. Not ever. We’re all still healing, but we know what that looks like from the family perspective.”
“You do?” Buck asked hopefully. He hated that he sounded hopeful. He hadn’t meant for it to come out that way. He turned his head when he felt someone take his hand and found May watching him, looking teary eyed.
“I got pretty low.” May admitted. “I’m still in some decent therapy about it all. I knew I was wanted at home, but teenage girls are brutal. Mom found me. Got me the help I needed. Sorry you went through what you did alone.”
“Oh.” Buck breathed out, and felt his eyes burning as May’s watered more. He swallowed thickly and tried to hold himself together. He nodded and squeezed her hand a little so he wouldn’t cry. “You … you get it. You really … you get it.”
“I do.” May sniffled. “We all do. But you gotta want to talk to someone about it. You gotta want to get better for you. Not for anyone else. Leaving was your way of taking yourself out of that bad place. That’s half the struggle.”
“Felt like a hell of a lot more than half.” Buck huffed, smiling a little when May chuckled. “So I guess being a Grant means we’re all disasters, but we’re all disasters together?”
“Of course that’s what you took from this.” Athena sighed heavily, but she winked at May. “The point is we may have various highs and lows, but we support each other. We lean on each other. We all know this family is changing. With the divorce and figuring out a new normal, all of it. You will start coming to family dinners at least once a week. I don’t care if it’s here or with Micheal. He doesn’t either.”
“I don’t.” Micheal agreed, making Buck laugh a little. “If you’re going to be a Grant, then you’re going to be one of ours.”
“Alright.” Buck nodded. “I just- um. You might- might need to give me some time? T- to adjust. I don’t really, uh, I don’t know how to do this,” he gestured to all of them, “the whole caring, loving family thing. I’ve never really had it.”
“Buckeroo, we are not going anywhere.” Athena said firmly. “I think this dinner was a good start. We’ll work up to more and you’ll figure out that we are very protective of our family. When you’re ready, when you’re more comfortable, you’ll be able to open up to your coworkers. You all depend on each other to make it home at the end of the day. Hen and Chimney are good people. I’ve known them a long time.”
“Yeah. They seem alright.” Buck nodded. “I’m just … I guess I’m not used to people actually wanting to know anything. Nothing beyond surface level.”
“You’re protecting yourself.” Athena shrugged. “But you’ve been doin’ it a long time. You won’t know what you’re missing until you allow yourself the chance to actually experience staying.”
“I’ll … I’ll work on it.” Buck cleared his throat.
At the end of the night, Micheal was the one who took him back to the station to get his car. He also made sure Buck had his, Athena, and May’s numbers and that he was required to let them all know when he made it home. From then on out, Buck found people who decided he was theirs. Whether it was their problem or big brother, or hyperactive puppy, it kinda depended on the day. It was nice having family meals and even doing some training seminars that Athena walked him through for dealing with certain intense situations they might come across.
That proved infinitely more helpful than reaching out to a department counselor, Buck found. Granted, as soon as Buck quietly told Athena what happened the one time he saw one, she showed up to the station with some other guy who had a badge but was wearing plain clothes, and they went into Bobby’s office for a while. They didn’t talk to him, thankfully. He’d already filed a report with Bobby (at his insistence), and he told Athena he refused to be involved in anything further. He put it behind him, and it was going to stay there.
At least he hadn’t mentioned the dispatcher who called him after getting his number from the system. That would have ended in another visit and the woman potentially getting fired, which would weigh on him even if it was her fault not his. He wasn’t even talking to her anymore. After one phone conversation, he made sure she knew whatever she was thinking wasn’t going to happen. Not if she couldn't say how they met without losing her job and any potential retirement benefits.