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There’s something that’s been on my mind for a while now. I keep thinking about it, more and more the closer we get to Erid. I should probably bring it up with Rocky at some point, though technically, it can wait a while longer. Part of me really wants to keep putting it off, just not say anything and hope the problem goes away. If I don’t bring it up, Rocky will never confirm my fears, right?
Unfortunately, I don’t get that lucky.
It’s my own fault, in the end. We’re talking about all the movies I want to show Rocky – there’s a lot of them. I definitely want to see what he thinks of Earth’s portrayal of aliens, and he’s really interested in Lord of the Rings after I mention there’s a giant spider – and I’m not thinking my words through. Of course.
“We gotta trim this down a bit,” I say, scanning the list we have so far. “We only have, what, three more years to get through it? And there’s a lot of other stuff we’ll need to do in that time, too.”
Rocky tilts his carapace to show confusion. Definitely something he picked up from me. “Why, question? Cannot bring thinking machine to home on Erid, question?”
“Well, yeah, I can, but like…” I shrug. “We won’t have as much time to watch movies then.”
“Will be very busy at first,” Rocky agrees. “But once Taumoeba is seeded on Threeworld, once dome is set up, once nutrients synthesized, will have lots of time.”
“But you’ll be spending that with Adrian,” I point out, and this is where I unknowingly seal my fate. “Most of it, anyway. And if I get to spend time with you I’ll probably want to spend it, y’know, talking. Or doing other things. Not watching movies every single time.”
Rocky is suddenly very still, and I have no idea why. Did I say something wrong? There’s a little seed of nausea in my stomach that grows the longer he goes without speaking, and I’m about to open my big mouth to say something, anything to fill the silence, but he gets there first.
“If, question?”
I freeze.
“Why Grace say if, question?” Rocky steps forward and I shuffle back, suddenly nervous. “Grace think Rocky will not spend time together on Erid, question? Or…”
He pauses. My heart is pounding, throat constricted. I can’t breathe.
“Or,” he continues, voice quiet quiet quiet. “Grace not want to spend time together on Erid. Question.”
“No!” I lurch forward, hands against the barrier. One of Rocky’s claws comes up to match mine, but he still seems hesitant. Upset. My fault. “No, of course I’ll want to spend time with you!”
“Have been doing research. Humans in enclosed spaces with others will fight. Not want to be around each other. Hate each other.”
“H – I could never hate you,” I burst out in horror. “Why would you think that?”
“Worry worry worry,” Rocky says, a low, unhappy note under his words. “Try to give Grace space. But can only give so much. Can still hear Grace no matter where I am. No privacy. Worry it is not enough.”
Oh. This isn’t just about this conversation, is it? He’s been thinking about this for a while. Weirdly, that makes me feel a little better. Not that I don’t care that Rocky’s upset, I’m just relieved I didn’t make him feel like I hate him somehow, just from one poor choice of words.
“It’s okay, bud,” I tell him. I tap a finger against the xenonite, tap tap tap, and he returns it. It settles something in me, and I can tell some of the tension is gone from him too. “I know you’re trying. I’m not gonna hate you. I don’t think I could if I tried. It’s – we might fight sometimes, yeah. Especially later on, because I’ll be…”
I hesitate. He hasn’t really wanted to talk about the possibility of me starving, always adamant that I’ll make it to Erid, and the Eridians will easily figure it out from there. So I don’t know if this will just make him feel worse, but… I need to say it, because I don’t want him thinking I hate him if – when – I end up snappy and irritable from malnutrition.
“I’ll be really hungry the closer we get to Erid,” I say carefully. “And I might be… I might not be very nice all the time. But it’s not because I hate you, I promise. Humans just get cranky when we don’t get enough food.”
Rocky lets out a quiet whine that doesn’t translate to anything, as far as I know. Just sad, I think. But he doesn’t try to avoid the topic completely, at least. “... Understand. Will keep that in mind.”
I let my hands drop and smile at him, relieved. Also kind of wishing he’d said something sooner, if this has been bothering him for who knows how long. But I’m glad we got there eventually, at least, so I could reassure him.
He seems like he’s thinking, so I stay quiet and let him process whatever it is. It takes a little while, but finally – “If Grace not hate Rocky, then why think Rocky not spend time together on Erid, question?”
Ah. I sigh. I’d really hoped he’d forgotten about that, but I should’ve known better. Perfect memory and all. Of course he wouldn’t just drop it. I… hadn’t wanted to talk about this, but I guess it had to happen at some point, huh?
“I mean.” I gesture aimlessly with my free hand. “Like I said. You’ll be spending more time with Adrian, you won’t…”
Have time for me, I don’t say, because how pathetic is that? Even if it’s true. Even if it goes without saying. I mean, Rocky’s been with Adrian for over a hundred years. He hasn’t even known me for two. That’s barely anything for humans, and even less for Eridians. And of course there’s no chance I’d be as important to him as his partner even if I had known him for the same amount of time, because that’s not how it works. I don’t expect to be that important.
I shouldn’t want to be that important.
“You’ll be busy,” I finish, lamely. A slightly nicer way of saying the exact same thing.
“Never too busy for Grace,” Rocky says, and my eyes well up despite myself. “Besides. If Adrian still wait for Rocky… Adrian will want to meet Grace too. Grace Rocky Adrian all hang out.”
My stomach lurches a little. “You don’t have to, I – I don’t want to be a third wheel or anything.”
“No understand.” Makes sense. It’s very much an Earth saying. I don’t really want to explain it though. But I know if I don’t, he’ll pester me forever over it.
“It’s – when two people are mates,” I start, thinking as quickly as I can about how to make this not sound pathetic. “And someone else, uh – hangs around when they shouldn’t and makes it awkward.”
“No understand,” Rocky repeats. “Why Grace should not hang around, question?”
He’s – he’s joking, right? “Because I’m not a part of the relationship?”
Rocky makes a frustrated noise and shifts, bonking his carapace against the xenonite next to me. “Why matter, question? Grace important, Adrian important. Both same important. Both should be there.”
I kind of want to laugh. Me? The same level of importance as Rocky’s mate?
A terrifying thought occurs to me – have I missed a cue somewhere? Something I wouldn’t even know how to look for on account of being completely different species? Is – has Rocky been, what… courting me? Flirting with me? This whole time?
I… I don’t know why the thought hurts so much.
It’s not… impossible, I guess. I don’t even know what Eridian courting looks like. So again, I would have no idea what to look for. But I really, really don’t want to think about it, and I definitely don’t want to risk having it confirmed. So I’ll just… sidestep it, for now.
Coward.
I swallow hard and go in a slightly different direction. “That’s – that’s really sweet of you, bud. I just – is Adrian gonna be okay with that? With me being there? Won't they want to spend time with just you?”
“Adrian will understand,” Rocky says confidently. “Will be excited to meet alien. Will be excited to meet person who brought me home.”
“Yeah, and I'm excited to meet them too, but after that!” Is this a translation error? A cultural miscommunication? How is Rocky not getting it? “You're partners. They're not going to want some alien around while you're, like… going on dates and all that.”
“Does not mean no time for Grace.” Rocky’s starting to sound frustrated. Part of me feels bad, but the rest is just as frustrated. “Why think this, question? On Earth, just abandon friends when have mate, question?”
It's so clearly a rhetorical question, to which the answer is obviously supposed to be no, of course not. I freeze up anyway.
“N-no,” I lie, and try not to think about every romance movie ever where the girl ditches her friends to run after some guy she just met a week ago. About everyone saying your partner is supposed to be the most important person in your life, the only person you need. Years and years and years of knowing the immutable fact that any friends I somehow made would inevitably leave, find someone more important and better and not broken and run off to live happily ever after with them. Only a matter of time.
“... Sometimes,” I amend, and then, because it sounds really bad when you put it like that, “But I wouldn’t call it abandoning, that’s a bit harsh. And it’s fine! That’s just… how it is. People get in relationships and that’s – that’s the end goal for most people. And then they spend most or all of their time with their partner. Er, mate. Friends aren’t as important.”
Rocky is silent for a moment. Processing, probably. Then, “All of Earth like this?”
I shrug. “Pretty much, yeah. There’s some exceptions, because there’s exceptions to just about everything. But most people prioritize romantic relationships, and think there’s something wrong with you if you don’t.”
Another pause. It feels heavier, somehow. “Grace like this?”
I nearly choke on my inhale. It – it makes sense that he’d ask. Of course if he wants to know something about humanity as a whole, he’d also want to know it about me, given that I’m the only human he knows personally. But it still kind of caught me off guard.
It’s not something I like to talk about. Mostly because people get really judgy, or assume they know you better than you know yourself, if you so much as imply that you don’t actually think romance is all that great. But this is Rocky. He’s asking out of genuine curiosity and a desire to understand, not judgement. So it’s okay.
It’s still really scary.
“No,” I say finally. “I’m… one of the exceptions. I’m – I don’t know. I’ve never thought it was that important.”
“Grace lonely without mate?” Rocky asks, and some part of me bristles instinctively.
“I – no. I’m fine without a mate,” I snap, before reminding myself again that this is Rocky. He’s not judging me. He’s just curious. “... Sorry. I just – like I said. It’s not that important to me.”
“But,” Rocky says slowly, and I brace myself because that but is carrying a lot of weight. “No have mate. And friends mate more important. Then who Grace have, question?”
“Um.” There’s something lodged in my throat, and I can’t seem to get it out no matter how hard I swallow. “I – that’s – I don’t…”
I have no idea how to answer. I have – had – my kids. But that’s just for a year, every time, before they move on and probably forget all about me. There’s Marissa, but I don’t remember hearing from her once when I was working on the Project, and I don’t know if that’s because of the amnesia or because she finally decided she was done putting up with me. Stratt was probably the closest thing I had to a friend on the Project, and she shot me into space to die. And none of those answers matter now anyway. On account of the being shot into space to die.
All I have anymore is Rocky, and thinking about him getting back to Erid and not having time for me anymore kind of breaks my heart a little. But that’s just how things work, and I don’t want him to feel bad about it. So.
“I’m… some people just do better on their own,” I say, trying my best to keep my voice from shaking.
Rocky studies me for a moment, then lets out a note that somehow sounds distinctly like a scoff. “Maybe. But Grace not one of those people. Statement.”
I shrink back. Okay, yeah, but I’d hoped he wouldn’t catch that part. Or at least that he wouldn’t be so emphatic calling me out about it. “Rocky –”
He acts like I didn’t even speak, barreling on like he’s crashing around my ship in that oversized hamster ball of his. “Grace not want to be alone. Not when wake up on Hail Mary. Not when Rocky hurt after fishing. Not when leave to go home. Not in all time I have known Grace. This different on Earth, question? Rocky does not think so.”
I shift back, away from Rocky’s enclosure, a little overwhelmed. I don’t really know how to answer. Rocky clearly knows the truth, but admitting it out loud feels like losing the argument. Is this an argument? It sure feels like one.
Thankfully, it doesn’t end up mattering, because Rocky just keeps talking anyway. “Grace not need mate. Not a problem. Normal on Erid. But need someone.”
He pauses, and then, much quieter, “All need someone to watch sleep. No ♩♪♩♫. New word. Means something rule does not apply to.”
“Exception, I think. But humans don’t… do that,” I remind him. “It’s totally normal on Earth to sleep by yourself. I mean, mates usually share a bed, but otherwise most people sleep alone.”
Rocky shudders. “Hard to imagine. But does not matter. Grace not on Earth anymore.”
“I’m still human, though. I don’t need someone to watch me sleep like you guys do.” I carefully leave out the fact that my sleep, during the few months we were separated before I found him again, was horrible. That’s not relevant.
“Not need,” Rocky agrees. “But want. Rocky watch sleep. Grace not alone.”
Some part of me distantly wonders if maybe Rocky has started some sort of contest with himself for how many times he can get me to cry on the way to Erid. I don’t actually cry, at least not this time, but I maybe do tear up a little bit. It’s a very sweet thought. Sweet of him to offer. It’s just… “Bud, you can’t watch me sleep every single night. What about Adrian?”
“Grace very stuck on Adrian,” Rocky says.
“Well – yeah? They’re your mate?” It feels like it should be obvious. Or maybe that was rhetorical and not him asking why I keep bringing Adrian up.
“Yes, hope so. But Grace worry I will abandon for Adrian. That is human thing. Not Eridian.”
“I don’t think you’re gonna abandon me! I just – if you’re always watching me sleep, what happens if Adrian and I need to sleep at the same time? I’m not – I don’t expect you to choose me over them. That’s all I’m saying.”
Rocky makes a noise that sounds very much like an exasperated sigh. “Grace not understand. Already said. Grace Adrian same important. Will not choose one over other. Watch both sleep in same place. Will not choose. Understand now?”
I don’t. Not really. Even though he straight up said it, I just can’t imagine the idea of someone refusing to choose between a partner they’ve been with for half their life, and a friend they’ve only known for a fraction of that. But I nod anyway, so he doesn’t feel like he has to coddle me over it.
“Will work on it,” he says, apparently not believing me for a second. Well. I tried. “Start with: Rocky will not abandon Grace on Erid. Still friends.” A pause and then, hesitant, “♫♬♪, if Grace wants.”
He says it like it's something he's thought about for quite a while, but is trying to pretend it just occurred to him right now. It makes me a little nervous, because I don't know what he's asking, and my fear from earlier climbs back up my throat to make itself known again. He… he wouldn't, right? I just told him I don't want a mate. This can't be him asking me out. Right? “Um. New word?”
Rocky looks thoughtful. I have no idea how a giant sentient rock with no face manages to look thoughtful, but somehow he does. “Hard to explain with human terms. Is friends but more important. Similar to mate, but no human romance part.”
That last bit cuts off the panic spiral I've accidentally sent myself down, and I feel like I can actually breathe again. “Okay. Um. Thanks for clarifying. But how is it different from friendship then?”
Rocky makes an annoyed sound. “Is not like – is more important. Is permanent. For life, like mates. Promise to stay forever. Exchange stones, like mate stone. Would be different for Grace since no way to put stone in carapace. We figure something out.”
… My immediate first thought is one of those Best Friends Forever necklaces that split in half. I have to try not to laugh picturing it, because I really don't want Rocky to think I'm laughing at what seems to be an important piece of his culture.
Realistically, though, it sounds more like… just getting married platonically. I think some humans do that, probably. But it sounds like it's a much bigger thing on Erid. Usually on Earth, I'm pretty sure it just happens if the people involved can't find anyone else to be with romantically, or for tax benefits or something. And even then, the whole marriage thing still has romantic associations. But on Erid, there's a specific word for it, so it must be a separate thing. An entirely separate ceremony (if they have ceremonies), different customs and traditions, all to celebrate someone getting permanently bonded to… to their best friend.
It makes me choke up a little, and for the briefest of moments a part of me wishes I was born Eridian. But I quickly brush that away. I like being human. Even if parts of it suck sometimes.
“And – and you're saying you want to do that? With me?” It seems too good to be true. The idea that someone would want to be stuck with me for the rest of my life, with no expectation for any of the things that usually come with a relationship. Rocky can't possibly know how much this means to me. Unless – oh. Something really, really horrible occurs to me. “You're not… just doing this for my sake, are you? Because – because I'll be okay, really! You don't have to get yourself stuck with me forever just because you're worried I'll be – lonely, or something.”
“Grace stupid, question?” Rocky somehow sounds incredibly deadpan. “Would not ask if Rocky did not want. Obvious want. Want want want. Grace is –”
His voice breaks off, and he shuffles a bit, resting a claw against the xenonite. I return the gesture without a thought. It's second nature, by this point.
“Grace is important,” he says quietly. “Most important. Best best best friend. Even with full Eridian language, could not say how important.”
Well, that confirms something I've been wondering for a while, that he's definitely been dumbing down the way he speaks for my tiny human brain. But much, much more importantly, if I wasn't crying before, I definitely am now. He’s way too sweet for me.
Rocky continues, careful. A little sad, maybe. “Know human lifespan is… short. Too short. But Rocky want all the time we have. If… if Grace want, too.”
It really hits me then, full force, now that Rocky has patiently (and sometimes not-so-patiently) dealt with my dumb fears and insecurities. This is – he's asking me to marry him. Platonic alien marriage, which is probably very different from regular human marriage, but still.
I hated admitting it, but Rocky had been right earlier. I've never liked being alone, but there's only so much I can do about it when it feels like I’m missing something fundamental that everyone else seems to have.
I know – have always known – that there's something wrong with me. Multiple somethings, more like. Even ignoring my lack of interest in the whole dating thing, I'd probably never have managed to find someone who actually wanted to spend their life with me. And taking that lack of interest into account?
Yeah. It was impossible. People didn't just agree to spend their life with someone who was just a friend. I'd long since accepted that. I was okay with it.
I thought I was okay with it.
Except right now, with tears blurring my vision, I think maybe I wasn't all that okay with it after all. Like making peace with dying, maybe that's just something you say when you know there's no changing it, ever.
Rocky had saved me then, when I’d been so certain it was impossible. Offered me the fuel to get home, gave me a lifeline. And now he's doing it again, like it's nothing. Like it’s as easy as breathing for him to completely rearrange my worldview.
“Yes,” I choke out. I can hear my own heart pounding in my ears. Which means Rocky can definitely hear it. I can only hope he’ll have mercy on me and not bring it up, just this once. “Oh my god. Oh my god, yes.”
Rocky’s silent for a moment before erupting in a flurry of chirps and trills. He presses up against the barrier and I lean in to hug him, but the enclosure was not made for hugging so I just end up with my arms spread wide over a mostly-flat surface.
Rocky pauses when he realizes, though he still lets out the occasional chirp, like it’s just too much to contain even when he’s trying. It’s kind of adorable. I get it, though; I can’t stop smiling even though my face is starting to hurt from it. “Annoyed. Rocky get ball.”
With that, he scurries off. I take the chance to clean my face of the tears streaming down it – at least for the moment, because it definitely won’t last very long – and Rocky returns in his giant hamster ball a minute later. This hug is so much better. Still wish I could hug him directly, but I know that one’s actually impossible given the difference in our atmospheres, so I’ll take what I can get.
He’s still chirping, and it sounds like… whistling something? Maybe the equivalent of whispering under your breath for a human. If I listen really closely, it kind of sounds like he’s saying “Grace say yes, Grace say yes, Grace say yes,” over and over again. He sounds giddy, and it kind of knocks the air out of my lungs a little bit. I’m not used to anyone sounding that happy over me. Especially someone as incredible as Rocky.
He does calm down a little – or maybe just runs out of steam to keep going – after a few minutes. But he doesn’t seem to want to pull away from the hug, which is more than fine with me. I don’t really want to let go either. I still can’t stop smiling, and there are tears smeared all over Rocky’s ball. He’s gonna be so mad about that when he’s done being happy, I think, and it sends another wave of affection crashing down over me.
Eventually I end up with my arms folded on top of the ball and my cheek resting on them. It’s surprisingly comfortable, actually. Rocky is pressed as close as he can get to me through the xenonite. I think he’s listening to my heartbeat. Sap.
“Rocky ♫♬♪♫♩ Grace,” Rocky says finally, once my tears have run out. Quiet quiet quiet, like it’s a secret for just the two of us.
“New word?” I’m a little scared to ask. Not because I think it’ll be negative. More the opposite, really. I don’t know how much more sappiness I can take in one day.
“Means love.” Rocky immediately proves me right. I think my heart might burst. “Specific kind of love for ♫♬♪.”
I recognize the word he used earlier, that I still don’t have a translation for. I don’t know if there is a good translation for it. At least not one that would give it the proper depth of emotion.
Technically, I could probably just call it ‘marriage’. Who’s going to stop me? I’m in space on the way to live the rest of my life on an alien planet with my best friend, who is one of said aliens. Societal conventions went out the airlock a long time ago. But also, just ‘marriage’ doesn’t feel like enough. Doesn’t feel like it captures the way my whole body feels like I’m in zero g just thinking about it, or the way my heart feels so full that I don’t know how to contain it.
I don’t know. I’ll have to think on it. For now, though, ‘marriage’ will get the job done.
I sit up. “Say it again?”
Rocky does. I pay closer attention this time, then try to hum it, note by note. It’s a mess, but Rocky trills happily anyway. I guess it’s the thought that counts.
He says it again, and I copy it again, until I’ve pretty much got it down. It’s not perfect, because there are some chords that I just can’t make with a single voice, but it’s as close as I can get.
“Grace ♫♬♪♫♩ Rocky,” I say then, and get another chirp for my efforts. Man, a grown adult rock alien has no right to be so cute.
“Happy, happy, happy,” Rocky says softly. I nod in agreement. I’m happy happy happy too. More than I think I have been in a really, really long time. “Glad Grace say yes.”
I almost ask if he actually thought I would’ve ever said no – that there was any universe where I would’ve said no – but think better of it. We did literally have that whole talk earlier about how he was worried I’d hate him because he couldn’t give me enough space, so he probably did think that. Instead, I say, “How long have you been thinking about this?”
Rocky shifts awkwardly. I get the sense that he’s avoiding my eyes, as much as he can anyway. “... Long time.”
Evasive. But I guess I don’t need to know the exact amount of time. “Why didn’t you say something sooner, then?”
“Wanted to wait until closer to Erid. In case Grace said no, was uncomfortable with Rocky after.” That makes sense. See again: that whole talk earlier. I get back into prime hugging position and squeeze tight.
“Okay, then why’d you say something now? We’re still three years out,” I ask, curious.
“Grace being dumb.” Alright. Not beating around the bush, I guess. He pauses, and then, “More dumb than usual. Thought Rocky would leave Grace when back on Erid. Stupid. You did not listen. Did not understand. Needed to make you understand.”
There really must be something wrong with me, if Rocky insulting me manages to trigger a wave of affection. And also a little guilt, because I was trying not to make him feel bad. But mostly the affection. I still haven’t stopped smiling once.
“I love you so much,” I tell him. I know, I already have the specific love word he gave me, and I even know how to say it in Eridian, so I could easily just use that. But I want to tell him I love him in my language, too. Sue me.
“Love Grace too,” Rocky says, and his voice is so fond that I think I might melt. “Love love love. ♫♬♪♫♩ Grace.”
“♫♬♪♫♩ Rocky.” I hum the notes back. “I understand now, I think. I’m sorry it took me so long.”
Rocky hums quietly, bonking the top of his carapace against the inside of the ball. “Good. No hope at all if Grace still not understand. Could not be more clear.”
That’s fair, honestly. Rocky puts up with me being a dumb human so much, he deserves a medal for it. “So, what do we do now?”
“Now?” Rocky pauses, and for a second I think he’s going to start going into some really elaborate cultural ceremony for ♫♬♪, and I’ll have to take notes or he’ll poke fun at me for forgetting everything, and I’ll have to try and figure out how we’re even going to do whatever it is when we can’t enter each other’s atmospheres and we might not even have whatever is needed for the ceremony until we get to Erid, and a thousand other complicated things I kind of want to put off until later, when I’m less emotionally compromised.
But instead, he just says, “Now you show me human movie list again. Need to decide best order to watch everything in. Put one with giant spider first.”
I tip my head back and laugh.